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Repulsed by my wife...what do I do?

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GangstaJesus posted 11/4/2017 11:42 AM

It's been 18 months since D-Day and it still comes and goes. I am still attracted to my wife physically but it can be hard to be intimate. For me, it's more about how I feel about myself than her. It's hard for me to believe her attraction for me is real when she preferred someone else for 14 months, someone who is completely my physical opposite but yes, it does fade if you are truly committed to R. Does it ever go away? No clue, guess we'll both find out.

STBXH posted 11/4/2017 18:50 PM

GangstaJ and Pfft thanks fo your replies...

I'm just kinda freaked out by all this I suppose. It doesn't go away apparently just less intense. I'm leaning towards an affair myself. I know that's a completely different topic. My head is all over the place. I shall remain calm and keep my seatbelt fastened.

And this guy was my physical opposite as well... Gangsta Jesus, let's keep in touch for the next year to see...

ramius posted 11/4/2017 21:27 PM

Before considering the revenge affair I would suggest you take thatbpguy's advice and separate for a while.

IMO you need to get your head on straight and that is going to be very difficult with having to face the trigger that is your wife, every night when you go to bed and every morning when you wake up.

It's not about her doing everything "textbook" and following the recipe for R. It's not about her regret, remorse, tears, crying, apologies, promises, therapy sessions etc. It's not really about her at all right now.

It's about you. What you want. What you can live with. And what you cannot.

Get some distance. Get some clarity. Detach a bit. She is not going anywhere.

soulhurt posted 11/5/2017 05:45 AM

You are having the mind movies from hell. It's not fair that you have to deal with it. They say the ws has to do all the heavy lifting, what a bunch of fantasy crap. The BS has to do all the heavy lifting, trying to stop the minding movies is some serious heavy lifting.

Some people can mentally block the mind movies, mentally picturing their spouse having sex with another person, and some can't.

Time does heal wounds, so maybe you can ride it out and things will get better, or maybe not.

Best of luck to you.

Rollercoaster214 posted 11/5/2017 08:32 AM

When you stated you had sex last night but woke up repulsed, what that immediately brought to my mind was that it isn't the sex you're having issues with, otherwise you wouldn't be performing. It sounds to me like you're having afterthoughts/morning after guilt because it makes you vulnerable and maybe even emotional, and since this woman shat on that part, maybe that's where you've got disconnect.

While this isn't an answer for you, sometimes identifying the why of a feeling is the key in getting it to go away.

[This message edited by Rollercoaster214 at 8:32 AM, November 5th (Sunday)]

Unhinged posted 11/5/2017 13:15 PM

Don't have an affair. It's not revenge and it won't help.

Your head will be all over the place for a while, but it does get better.

Focus on you and your recovery and you'll be okay.

Crazymixedupkid posted 11/13/2017 14:35 PM

Do not have a revenge affair, in your case it will solve nothing and likely cause further anguish. I would tell your wife that her touch literally causes you revulsion. Let her get prepared for the next onslaught: You need to give yourself a few months, and if you are still repulsed, then separate, and file for divorce. This is her final consequence for her actions. Let her know that she brought this on herself, and let her deal with it.

My former colleague was in the same boat. She could not bear for her XWH to touch her. Frustrated, she could not stomach his touch. He was doing everything right, the perfect remorseful spouse. He finally gave her a "hall-pass". In desperation, she used it. She was absolutely fine with another man, she tried once more with her husband, said that it made her puke, and sought a divorce. She is re-married, and fine. Her ex learned his lesson the hard way. You play with fire when you are unfaithful. And the shit storm you cause may just fall on you.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 11:00 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

mizunomead posted 11/13/2017 15:25 PM

If i remember right this is all pretty new for you, your Dday was only a month or two ago i believe...

With that in mind, I would say that your feeling s are a fairly normal response to what has happened. And its going to take time, alot of time for you to heal, no matter what happens in your marriage.

My advice for your particular questions. Don't be hard on yourself and be patient with yourself. If you feel repulsed and have lost respect for her...Don't push yourself to do things that make you feel that way.

You don't owe her anything, you need to heal, you need to work on yourself. She needs for work on herself.

Those feelings may go away after a while, or they may fade some but linger, or they may not go away at all....Only time will tell really. Each person is different in that regard.

For R to work she has to be all in and doing the work. And you have to do the work yourself and actually want it. It does take two. And honestly your feelings over everything are going to change multiple times over the next months or years even. Things will start to fall together as time goes on. But its a fresh wound for yourself now. Just work on you, and don't worry about the respect or the sex right now.

Frankly you don't need it right now. I believe you can't force it. Give yourself a break and some time.

STBXH posted 11/13/2017 15:34 PM

mizunomead thank you. These are very kind words. I am definitely working on myself. And she is definitely all in. She's really working hard on herself and I'm doing the same for me. I guess I just don't like the idea that my life, in my mid 40's with small kids, would be put on hold for an indefinite amount of time while I heal. And you're right...I change my mind about staying in this thing everyday, every hour. It's a psychological mind-f.

Thanks

STBXH posted 11/13/2017 15:43 PM

Crazymixedupkid that is exactly the plan. She's well aware of the consequences here. Just a sad situation all around.

Crazymixedupkid posted 11/14/2017 11:39 AM

Do yourself a favor in the meantime, get yourself into individual therapy. DO NOT go into marriage counseling, that is for the future, if at all. You are now concerned only with yourself and your healing. Seek out a lawyer, and find out what your responsibilities will be should you separate or divorce. Find out what the requirements of divorce are in Southern California. I believe that jurisdiction has no fault divorce. You may want to start discussing separation of assets, etc. I would also explore a post-nuptial agreement, in case you lean toward reconciliation. This would impose some personal penalties on your spouse should she decide to step out once again. I have seen these enforced in the last few years, and I have seen cheating spouses stripped of their assets, children and careers due to this. PS, please do not feel as if you are imposing on your family to put their lives on hold while you heal...your wife caused this mess, it is all on her head, do not EVER blame yourself for any of this, it is up to her to REMAKE herself and it is up to her to EARN her way back into this marriage. SO YOU ARE HEALING BECAUSE SHE STUCK THE KNIFE IN YOUR BACK. LET HER KNOW THIS. LET HER DEAL WITH THE SHITSTORM SHE CREATED. You need to heal, she needs to make conditions optimal for that, and she is to be put on notice that you can walk at any time.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 11:43 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

mizunomead posted 11/14/2017 12:27 PM

Yeah, you will change your mind all the time. Your emotions are going to be a "rollercoaster" for quite some time.

Just take care of yourself, and your kids. You don't need to worry about sex pressures or anything like that. Don't put pressure on yourself to get to this point or that point to complete R. Their will be a time to start a road map to your new life, no matter what the road is...Right now though you are in the mental ER mode. and you need time to move through it before you can start processing other things....
IC is a great idea. I would say just let the marriage go, that does not mean you have to get a D, i mean just work on healing yourself right now. Marital things can wait. When your starting to feel better and more in control of yourself. Then you can start dealing with the rest of life.

W3IRZ posted 11/15/2017 05:34 AM

Don't focus on the repulsion. What we focus on snowballs. Why are you staying? There must be good traits about your wife that are making you try. Focus on why you are there. Every human makes bad choices. Their bad choices aren't what define them. What defines them is how the recover from their bad choices. Focus on those points not the bad choices.

Look to the future. Do you feel that your life will be better with your wife in it? Then you have no choice than to eventually move forward from this roadblock. In the early days, weeks, months, I realized that my husband and I being apart for the rest of our lives would be a tragedy therefore somehow I'd have to get over things that trigger me. My best advice is to not think about them. I'm not boxing them up. I acknowledge them but I don't focus on them. Instead I focus on the good stuff.

Finally talk to your wife about your feelings. I still do this. I need to vent my feelings and my wonderful husband has to listen. Sometimes after I tell him and he responds empathetically, the intrusive thoughts just fade away. Sometimes I have to tell him more than once. Keep in mind, however, you should not be doing that as a way to punish your wife. I don't believe spouses should punish each other. We are equals/partners. Of course at this moment you may not feel like equals, that is what you should be striving for. You should do it to help you heal. I hope that makes sense.

W3IRZ posted 11/15/2017 05:36 AM

Don't focus on the repulsion. What we focus on snowballs. Why are you staying? There must be good traits about your wife that are making you try. Focus on why you are there. Every human makes bad choices. Their bad choices aren't what define them. What defines them is how the recover from their bad choices. Focus on those points not the bad choices.

Look to the future. Do you feel that your life will be better with your wife in it? Then you have no choice than to eventually move forward from this roadblock. In the early days, weeks, months, I realized that my husband and I being apart for the rest of our lives would be a tragedy therefore somehow I'd have to get over things that trigger me. My best advice is to not think about them. I'm not boxing them up. I acknowledge them but I don't focus on them. Instead I focus on the good stuff.

Finally talk to your wife about your feelings. I still do this. I need to vent my feelings and my wonderful husband has to listen. Sometimes after I tell him and he responds empathetically, the intrusive thoughts just fade away. Sometimes I have to tell him more than once. Keep in mind, however, you should not be doing that as a way to punish your wife. I don't believe spouses should punish each other. We are equals/partners. Of course at this moment you may not feel like equals, that is what you should be striving for. You should do it to help you heal. I hope that makes sense.

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