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Why do good days trigger me?

RaindropsTricks posted 11/11/2017 12:58 PM

We're having a great morning and all I can think of is how he could have jeopardized all this...which then led me to a rabbit hole and I looked up his Waze history. I came across two hotels, one of which I know he stayed at for his ONS and now I'm feeling awfully hateful.

Oldwounds posted 11/11/2017 13:04 PM

For me, early on -- I questioned the good days and it felt like I was letting my guard down and no longer protecting myself.

Your brain is still trying to figure out what is real or not and will always kick in to protection mode first.

It takes a while to trust enough good days, as they pile up to feel better about them and be able to enjoy the moment.

TheCaterpillar posted 11/11/2017 14:01 PM

For me, I think the good days playin insecurity. There's a part of me that resists feelings of safety and happiness. Partly, I think this is not feeeling worthy and that I don't deserve it. I think another asoect could be my brain trying to protect me. Kind of "well, you were happy before and it made the pain so much worse when you found it was a lie".

I'm a natural worrier/pessimist (even before the A) so my default setting is "I'm not worried about anything, Imust have forgotten or missed it" and I will worry about not being worried.

Just a few ideas based on my own experience.

As oldwounds said, the hope is that one day the good to bad ratio will change and you will feel safe enough to enjoy your M

TX1995 posted 11/11/2017 15:31 PM

Great days are hard for me as well. A few weeks ago, my WH and I strung together 3 entire great days. I barely thought of the A, I was actually happy for the first time in months. And for some reason, during a party, at my home, with our friends, I went pain shopping and found a reason to fight with my WH. This sparked a crappy night, weekend, and actually we still haven't recovered fully.

We have discussed it, and he thinks that I am scared to be happy, and that is why I purposefully went out to find a reason not to be. That I don't trust him, and don't trust myself when I am happy because I am just waiting for him to take me down. I tend to agree.

It's like I won't let myself let him in because he screwed me over once and I won't let it happen again. (All subconsciously of course!)

As my IC would say, don't avoid those hateful feelings, just feel them, do whatever you need to get through them, and carry on. Until the next round hits of course.

hopefulkate posted 11/11/2017 21:13 PM

Even though I totally had the same issue this morning, I just wanted to say that they don't always. Life is so much better now compared to the beginning...but I am just in a place of processing again, so I dive right into it!

There have been lots of great new memories made, and then I didn't get sad after. It took me a long time to get there, and it happened in bits and pieces, but it did happen.

destroyed1 posted 11/11/2017 21:39 PM

for the first 6 months I couldn't even smile. After that, when a random chuckle would happen, it would be immediately followed by tears.

1 year out and it still happens to me about 50% of the time.

I just cant seem to find happiness and when I do, for some reason, it triggers me into sadness.

Superesse posted 11/11/2017 22:09 PM

Totally normal. PTSD type reaction.

Oddly enough the opposite happens too. If I get into a major upset with my WS, I have noticed that I might go to bed feeling agitated but the next day, we both avoid any upsetting topic. It's like the calm after the storm, and for no reason I can think of other than emotional exhaustion.

Several posters said it's the brain staying hyper-vigilant, a trauma reaction. Because we were traumatized by someone we are trying to Reconcile with, on top of that, so the 'flight' option in our primitive brain is not the option we choose. It's a form of paralysis for the primitive defenses of fight-or-flight.

I think that's why this see-saw keeps on happening for so long.

kaygem posted 11/11/2017 23:44 PM

YES! THIS! I have been wondering what part of bat shit crazy this I'm-happy-I'm-triggered now this is!

I have a few great days and them WHAM! My brain goes into shock mode, which leads to mind movies, pain shopping, anger and depression.

When I am happy with him and I see how sweet and kind he is now (and used to be before the EI crap) I think I get so angry that he gave all this up for....random whore pigs? what the hell? And I wonder HOW THE HELL DID HE BECOME THAT MONSTER? And...is that monster totally gone or just latent because he is desperate not to lose "us"?

So yes, sometimes a really good day triggers me badly.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 11/12/2017 00:13 AM

I used to wonder the same thing. The reason I came up with was because I WAS happy before DDay...yet MY reality was a LIE . So...when I got happy again...it was like my brain was telling me that THIS was not REAL either.

As time goes on...and things become more consistent...this will be a thing of the past also . Once you see your reality IS real...then your brain will calm down and accept what is .

Datura posted 11/12/2017 04:38 AM

At least you guys have made me feel a little more 'normal'. It's so exhausting.

When we're happy it's like 'before' and then I get crazy thinking WTF went wrong if we were so happy. And if things are 'good' why can't I accept that they are good and be happy? why do I feel so damn miserable still.

Round and round.

I've just come back from a holiday. Which was lovely family time. A place dear to us that we had not been for 3 years.....lots of memories from 'before'. I desperately want a time machine. I feel flat. Deflated. Sad. And frustrated it's still in my head what feels like all the time. I know I want to stay together. So what is my option? Just to accept this is my reality and live with it. But then my brain freaks out and I feel I can't 'live with it'. I don't want to live with it. blahhhhh. See. I feel freaking crazy!

[This message edited by Datura at 4:40 AM, November 12th (Sunday)]

Want2BHappyAgain posted 11/13/2017 12:29 PM

You are NOT crazy dear Lady...I remember very well going through the SAME thing. I would get to a point where being around my H was just too painful...all I wanted to do was RUN!!! I didn't care WHERE...I just wanted to be gone from where I was . It didn't help...it just made me buy more fuel for my car...because...I didn't actually run...I drove !!! Thankfully...I didn't stay in that place...and I have truly moved on to a more enjoyable life...and a stronger M .

RaindropsTricks posted 11/13/2017 12:35 PM

Want2BHappyAgain

You are NOT crazy dear Lady...I remember very well going through the SAME thing. I would get to a point where being around my H was just too painful...all I wanted to do was RUN!!! I didn't care WHERE...I just wanted to be gone from where I was . It didn't help...it just made me buy more fuel for my car...because...I didn't actually run...I drove !!! Thankfully...I didn't stay in that place...and I have truly moved on to a more enjoyable life...and a stronger M .


I hope so!!!!

DevastatedDee posted 11/14/2017 13:55 PM

I used to wonder the same thing. The reason I came up with was because I WAS happy before DDay...yet MY reality was a LIE . So...when I got happy again...it was like my brain was telling me that THIS was not REAL either.

That's exactly it. The scary part is that we could be right or we could be wrong to feel this way and only time will tell. I could be feeling happy while he screws me over again or I could be feeling happy while we're reconnecting and building a better marriage. I don't yet trust myself to know which is reality.

This is our big risk and it's incredibly difficult to navigate it. Count me on in the getting triggered by good days.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 11/15/2017 09:59 AM

For ME...the 1st year was triggery as HELL. My mind was racing everywhere...questioning everything. Adding that to the sleep deprivation because of the mind movies and nightmares...well...I don't envy y'all having to go through this .

BUT...it DOES get better...I promise . I can't guarantee that ALL M's will survive infidelity...but I can guarantee that Y'ALL will SURVIVE infidelity . Getting on SI shows a certain character trait...a survival instinct so to speak...and y'all are here...so y'all have it !!!

Just hang in there...and ALWAYS trust your GUT !!! This site is a Godsend...but we all have different perspectives. So we take the advice we NEED off of here...and leave the rest .

RaindropsTricks posted 11/15/2017 12:45 PM

Want2BHappyAgain - I love your response

Chaos posted 11/15/2017 15:07 PM

My first thought reading this post and all the responses is Yes! I’m not alone!
This has been hitting my hard lately. I finally have a day where I feel good. And we had a good day or even good few days And then BAM! The little voices tell me “if you were really happy and the days were really good this wouldn’t have happened”. And the pain and panic and hurt and mind movies start all over again.
I get one step ahead and knocked 3 back. And clawing my way out gets harder and harder. I keep going though.
The holidays approaching aren’t helping. The reality that I thought we were happy all during the A is haunting.

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