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Embracing Happiness

RisingFromTheAshes posted 12/12/2017 10:25 AM

So often on here we read stories of 2nd (or 3rd/4th/5th/etc.) DDays, false R, and other trials/tribulations. This is a place of support, so it makes sense that we post in our time of need. That's what I've done.

I also know that it can be scary as hell to read those things, especially as you're trying to navigate R.

And it can be scary as hell to post positive updates, lest we jinx ourselves.

But, alas, I'll take a risk here and mention that things are going well. R is going well.

WH is working diligently and consistently on FOO and other issues in IC. The skills and things he's learning are flowing over into the marital relationship in a positive and beneficial way.

I'm in IC working hard on myself and knowing I'm enough and making the right choices for me, regardless of what others might think.

We stopped MC a while back. It felt forced. It felt like it took my energy and attention away from myself, which is where I need my energy at the moment. Since we stopped, we have actually gotten stronger by focusing on ourselves and being our true selves in the marriage. It's kind of nice.

There's a lot of learning happening. By both of us. A lot of growing. A lot of being open to hard conversations, hard realities. And that is a good thing.

It's not perfect. There are still hard days where the reality of what WH did, what he said, the lies he told, and everything else hit me like a semi. But WH is there with his love and support and patience any time that happens (without any defensiveness or excuses or explanation).

We still don't know what will happen down the road...but I suppose we never know. There is no guarantee that this won't happen again. There is no guarantee that this isn't false R. But there's no guarantee that we even get a tomorrow so I'm appreciating the good in today.

I guess I wrote all of that to say, if you're in R, and if your WS is truly remorseful and willing to put in the work, it can get better. You can get through this. You can have good days. Happy days. And that's ok. And just because you have a hard day, it doesn't mean it's hopeless, it doesn't mean all the work is for naught. The hard days are an opportunity for you to focus on yourself and your pain and your reality and figure out what you need to move forward. The hard days are an opportunity for your WS to step up to the plate and support and love you.

For so long, I feared happiness. I feared the vulnerability that came with happiness. But the reality is, bad things are going to happen, no matter what. Being miserable isn't going stop bad things from happening or make it any less miserable. Being happy isn't going to make bad things happen or make it any more miserable.

Misery is a part of life. So is happiness. Our time here is finite. We need to take advantage of and embrace the moments of happiness, joy, and love.

Oldwounds posted 12/12/2017 11:15 AM

Misery is a part of life. So is happiness. Our time here is finite. We need to take advantage of and embrace the moments of happiness, joy, and love.

So very true.

That's an awesome update Rising.

I was afraid of the 'happy' as well, but it turns out only so many chances for joy among the potential moments for misery from any aspect of life.

I hope that healing stuff continues.

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/12/2017 12:05 PM

Love this update. I agree with every word you wrote. I am not sure how to word this. In reconciliation; I can’t guarantee he won’t cheat again. I do know the more years that tick by...the more he has to pay me out. Soooo.... this isn’t a negative to me. It’s part of the balance on my end.

sisoon posted 12/12/2017 16:48 PM

That's great, Rising. Thanks for sharing.
********************************

So many of us don't post about a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th d-day because we don't have them.

About 14 months out, I thought my W gave me a major piece of TT. She made me bring up the timeline on my screen, though, and showed me that I had the info already; I was just putting it together in a new way.

Many WSes continue to damage their Ms after d-day, but some don't. Some WSes definitely see the way to heal is to become authentic and honest on or shortly after d-day.

BlackHeartBroken posted 12/12/2017 18:36 PM

I love this. Thank you.

I've yet to have a good day. I have good moments, or a hour. I want to stop having the A pop up all over. I know it takes time, but I don't think I can have a good day until I can go one without thinking about and getting upset or down. I also fear happiness, though. I worry that feeling happy means he's getting away with it I guess. I know that need to let that go in order to go forward for myself, but I'm not there yet. I'm think once I get past the first year or so and all the first this and that I will be able to. That's my hope, anyway.

Geranium posted 12/12/2017 19:45 PM

The day I decided to count my blessings and be happy, I started to heal. I consciously focused on (a) things that nourished my soul and (b) things I enjoyed. I vowed to put myself first, but also to do everything I could to save our relationship. I was very clear that if punch came to shove, the former would have priority.

I found that my happier demeanor and willingness to engage with my husband in a positive way really put us on the road to reconciliation. We still had ‘frank’ (and sometimes heated) discussions, but these no longer took over our life.

My husband was so relieved that I was no longer sad all the time. My crying and ‘looking grim’ had made him feel that the situation was hopeless. Once I opened up, so did he, and we reconnected.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/13/2017 07:45 AM

And it can be scary as hell to post positive updates, lest we jinx ourselves.

I have heard this from a lot of people. I'm so thankful you posted this though...very uplifting !!!

You know...you could be on page 18 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" FOREVER if you just copied and pasted this post into there !!! You could also help to move this thread to page 19 by doing this too!!!

There is so much HOPE in this post...it may be THE story that will HELP someone who is going through all of this pain to make it through just a little while longer by reading THIS post in THAT thread .

RisingFromTheAshes posted 12/13/2017 11:08 AM

The day I decided to count my blessings and be happy, I started to heal.

^^Yes! I feel the same way.

I also fear happiness, though. I worry that feeling happy means he's getting away with it I guess. I know that need to let that go in order to go forward for myself, but I'm not there yet.

^^I had the same feelings. It's good to recognize you're not there yet. You can't force it. You can't force yourself to let that go. It just takes time and hard work. I will say, the letting go of the feeling that he's getting away with it happened slowly, and not all at once. It would be gone for a day or two, and then back again. But as I started to enjoy the happiness (rather than fear it), and as WH continued to work even when I was happy, it became easier to accept reality and move forward.

Want2BHappyAgain, I never even thought about posting in the positive R stories section, ha! Never thought I'd fit in there. But perhaps now is the time...

Alynn0728 posted 12/13/2017 11:19 AM

Wow! What timing on this post. I rarely post in here and mostly read, but I had to respond here. I am almost 5 months post DDay #1 and only 3 months post DDay #2 (affair continued between the two), and yesterday, I felt happiness for the first time. It started after my WH reached out to a friend to apologize for how he had disclosed the A. To see him do something for him, that he wouldn’t have done before that had nothing to do with US, showed me he’s starting to really take stock of himself in his life as a whole and trying to grow.

So while feeling happy, I finally had to text friend because I felt I “shouldn’t” feel happy already. My worry immediately kicked in that I’d find out down the line this was a false R (like the 7 weeks between D Days), despite the fact that I told my therapist every week for those 7 weeks it was off and my WH didn’t get it and hadn’t hit bottom. I worried my feeling happy would somehow let him believe this was “ok.” However, despite feeling that way, we still worked through a worksheet and talked about aspects of A yesterday evening, and I realized feeling ok, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop doing the work. And if he does, well I’d have my answer that way. And the only person I’m hurting by NOT allowing myself to feel ok when I feel it, is me. So, I am trying to embrace happiness when it shows up, and this post was perfectly well timed. So thank you!

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/13/2017 14:39 PM

Alynn0728...having so much insight this soon after DDay2 is a very positive sign .

RisingFromTheAshes...THANK YOU !!!

Bpulli posted 12/13/2017 14:46 PM

I love seeing positive reconciliation post. Lets me know that there is hope for us if we put in the work. Thanks.

OneTimeisEnough posted 12/13/2017 16:31 PM

Awesome post. And it's nice to hear the good. I, myself, have been in a very good place for going on two months. I can count on one hand the bad days I have had in those two months. But like you said, I decided to embrace happiness. I had been angry, resentful, hateful, mean, miserable, sad, grieved, and it was exhausting. I focused A LOT on me and made some changes, still working on myself, but I got to a point where I was able to say, I need to embrace being happy. I need to try. I can continue to hate this person, but that will not change what happened or my situation. I wanted to be happy, I wanted it to work, so I pulled myself up and out of the hard exhausting emotions and let myself feel happy again. It was hard, very hard, but ever since, things have been great. We have had a lot of amazing days.

So CHEERS to embracing Happiness...we damn deserve it!!!

kaygem posted 12/13/2017 23:58 PM

Thanks so much for posting! I'm trying to get up the courage to post my own R story, even though it's only ten months. I do have some things to say that I hope will encourage others...but I am one of those worried about speaking it out prematurely I guess?

But this, this is profound, this is wisdom.

For so long, I feared happiness. I feared the vulnerability that came with happiness. But the reality is, bad things are going to happen, no matter what. Being miserable isn't going stop bad things from happening or make it any less miserable. Being happy isn't going to make bad things happen or make it any more miserable.

I've been pondering exactly this for a few weeks. I made a choice to "allow" myself to be happy..and it's working!! I'm actually feeling happier.

Thanks for this post! btw, when was your Dday?

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