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A little bit of my story

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Unhinged posted 2/8/2018 22:58 PM

Hi there, MrsWalloped. Welcome to SI! Thank you for reading and joining and letting it all hang out there. You're getting a double 'round the world two snaps up from me! You've handled yourself, and these questions, quite well, I think.

I don't have any questions, btw.

I just wanted to stop by and check out what Walloped's wife had to say for herself. I've known your H for about two years now. That is, I've followed his story and we've helped each other out when we could. He's a good man, isn't he? And yes, your H's shared quite a bit of himself and his story. He's told us a lot about you, too. That's pretty much par for the course, you know? Don't let that scare you, though. Unlike many of us, me included, he's shown quite a lot of class and restraint, which, if you ask me, has always belied a deep and abiding love for you.

Okay, I do have one question. Why did you join and then start posting? Okay, that's really a two part question. I'm curious to know what you think of SI. Oh... jezz... now that's really three questions. Okay. So I just have threeee questions...

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:58 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 23:57 PM

ThisGuy,

We work through it together. Iím not my MIL and heís not his father (who was a very sweet man and I loved him dearly). I donít think Iím going to discuss this further. Ask him if itís truly bothering you.

it seems the best outcome for your husband would be to get a divorce.

Thankfully, my husband seems to disagree with you.

Hopeful4life posted 2/9/2018 00:17 AM

Iím so thankful for your posts even though itís too late for me. I came to SI afraid and alone and worried my BH would read my posts and it would make things worse. My question to you is how do you stay honest and truthful here and put your heart out there and your H can read it and process it and stay? Tonight my H told me he couldnít do this anymore. That heís been suffering and angry for 4 years yet we have had many periods of time when he told me how he was finally happiest with me, that he no longer had to talk about the A in therapy and he would never leave me? I think he reads the replies and realizes his needs are unmet and I can slowly see that I havenít done all that I need to do for him. I love him so much and cannot see life without him. I look here for strength and I thank you for your story.

Sharkman posted 2/9/2018 00:23 AM

I donít want to make it sound like compartmentalizing meant that I never thought about my husband. I did. But not often. Thoughts of my family would interfere with what I was doing.

You are unquestionably a smart woman. You Ďthought he loved youí. What was your logical evolution of a loving relationship? You thought the AP was single at the time. When we you planning on ending it? Iím challenging you because there are no easy answers like you were caught up in it. You obviously had thoughts with more clarity than others which need to be addressed head-on or reconciliation will never, ever, ever happen. Limbo and fear stasis are what happens.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 12:26 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

ohvienna posted 2/9/2018 00:51 AM

You are very brave, inspirationally so. Thank you :)

I'm wondering (and could be completely off), the stuff with your mom (I'm so sorry you had to endure that btw.) Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like she kind of saw you as a proxy, or at least.. offshoot? manifestation? of her, and she expected perfection? She needed you to represent her "perfectly" or else it was reactivating this devestating w/I her? So she loved you, or rather, treated you with love only when you performed her definition of perfect?

This is just an idea I'm toying with and it may not apply at all, but maybe it's like equating being loved with not being seen? If someone loves you, it's not *you*, it couldn't possibly be *you*? So if a partner loves you you sort of equate it with being automatically conditional, or inaccurate, and there's a weird cynicism and resentment? And maybe guilt that you can't be what they want? And fear/resignation that they'll eventually figure it out and leave? Idk just thinking

MrsWalloped posted 2/9/2018 01:12 AM

Hi Unhinged.

Why did you join and then start posting? Okay, that's really a two part question.

Iím glad you said it was a two part question because I wasnít sure if you were just asking why Iím here or why I lurked for a couple of months before I started posting. Or both? Okay, both.

May I please give you a long answer? Iím writing really for me, but itíll answer your questions too, I hope.

I joined at Wallopedís encouragement. We, and specifically he, went through a very hard time this past summer. We talked about getting divorced. I donít know how serious he was but it was serious to me. He just wasnít feeling like we were making progress. He didnít blame me for that but he said it is what it is, which he says a lot. He sees his therapist only semi-regularly now but they talked a lot about his acceptance of my affair and what his life is now and that heíd have to make a decision about how he wanted to live it and whether he wanted me in it or not. But he felt I was too distant when talking about my affair and what it meant to me and to him. I guess it was a coping mechanism of mine. If I thought of it clinically then maybe it was as if it happened to someone else? It came across that way to him and he thought that I needed a better understanding of what a BS goes through and what pain and heartache a WS really causes. So he told me about SI and how it helped him. He wanted me to read peopleís stories and see what they were going through. So I did. I lurked for about two months. I read and read. I read in this forum but I read mostly in the Just Found Out, the General, and the Reconciliation forums. I discovered so much pain and destruction. I read how people were dying for a chance to save their marriage but their spouse wouldnít give them that opportunity. And that was true for a BS and a WS. I read the harsh voices and the soft ones. I read so many people telling a new member to just kick him or her out. I read about all the lies people tell. And I learned so much. Lots of acronyms, but I learned about TT and how hurtful it is. I learned about regret versus remorse. I learned how similar my affair seemed to others and how stupid I was. I saw how member after member would come here and people would say theyíve seen the exact same thing a million times before. I recognized some things my husband did after I was caught as advice given to others. That was interesting to me. And I read about people celebrating small victories and big ones. I read about people who know there is no hope and their marriage is over. But for some thatís a new beginning and thatís something good too. I was a wreck for weeks. I donít know if thatís what Walloped wanted, but I was a mess. You always hear about cheating scandals in Hollywood or in politics or about someone in the community, and of course I was the perpetrator of our own scandal, but these were real people who were suffering and in despair. It hurt so much. And it made me appreciate my husband so much more. I donít know that I truly understood what he went through and how much he put up with by staying with me. Iíve lived with him these past two and a half years and of course Iíve seen his pain. Iíve comforted him and loved him and held him and cuddled him and made love to him and him me. I saw him struggle and I saw him cry by himself. I felt his anger and his hate. I saw him hate himself for staying and struggle with his decision. I saw him at his best, being a rock for me and for our children. I saw him be so selfless and be so strong. But I didnít really know. How could I? And now I had a glimpse into what it was like to be him and understand a little bit what he went through. I was so emotional Iíd find myself crying random times during the day, folding the linen or cooking. One day I sat in the bathroom for an hour just crying. So I told him all of this and how sorry I was that I did this to him. He didnít reveal much to me but said that he was glad Iíve been spending time here and if I was ready for it, maybe it would be good for me to register and start posting. Maybe Iíd find some help and some answers.

There are questions I have but Iím not ready to ask them yet. Right now I find it easier to answer questions or talk about my past than to talk about my issues or ask for help. I will one day soon though.

I'm curious to know what you think of SI.

Iím pretty overwhelmed by it all and I certainly didnít expect to get so many responses to my post! Finding out that so many people know my story and know all these details about us, about our girls or my in laws, my sister, what I did. Iím not upset about it but itís a little disconcerting and very intimidating. Iím scared to find out what else people know!

I also think this place is a blessing. Itís amazing and a gift. My husband told me that SI was started by a couple who reconciled and that the WS was the wife. Thatís so beautiful. He said she passed away. I would have loved to have met her. The way he talked about her, she must have been someone special. I think most people here are either looking for help or want to help others. There are some who project their pain onto others but I understand that. One thing that struck me was that so many people who were hurt by infidelity are still here helping other people deal with their pain which cannot be easy. Itís like reliving your nightmare over and over again. And you do it voluntarily. Youíre all amazing.

All in all Iím grateful that my husband found this site and made a home here. I donít know what will happen in the future, but Iím certain we never would have made it this far if it hadnít been for SI.

Told ya I was gonna be long! I needed to write this down so I could refer back to it when I needed to and your question was timely cause it gave me a good place to do it. So thanks!

Trying2copeinMD posted 2/9/2018 07:13 AM

I think you hit the nail on the head on a lot of points there about the site. There is a lot of people to come here angry, a lot of people that come here lost, and a lot of people who strive to help others. Please don't underestimate the power that you and your husband have and being here. You've answered a lot of hard questions that most of us I've always wanted to know in our own WS.

If you wouldn't mind answering a question that I have, I would appreciate it. Of course, it's obviously very intrusive, so please feel free to ignore. It's one of those that I want to ask my wife, but I'm kind of afraid of the answer to be honest.

When you saw that this is progressing somewhere inappropriate, did you ever think that you should end it before it became physical? Did you think you were too far along? What I mean is, did you feel like you've already went too far to walk away without Shane, and just decided to keep on going? Did you have Any ideas about a future with this person? Any guilt while the whole thing was going on?

Okay, so, I'm not so good at counting. That was obviously much more than just one question. LOL

Thanks!

Iwantmyglasses posted 2/9/2018 07:27 AM

For all intents you and your husband had a good marriage. You were fulfilled in your role as a wife and mother??

This week has been rough. Lots going on in my house un-affair related. I was making dinner. Thinking about this thread. A thought occurred to me. (Husband and I discussed this before). There is a woman out there who felt special because of my husband. It made me so sad for a few reasons. One of course no one has the right to feel this way because of my husband. Two, at the time of his affair my husband was horrible. This woman sold her soul for a crappy man. She has an amazing career. My husband has never put his own plate in the dishwasher. Everything was always about him. Those things would not have changed in a real relationship. He still would have brought his entitlement with him.

I think this is something which bothers me most of all. No matter what my husband felt about me. He took another manís wife. His AP was a mother with young children. She is married. What gave these two people the ďrightĒ to inflict pain on someone else. Itís the ultimate in selfishness and entitlement.

When you were in the midst of the affair, what gave you the right to hurt your husband? He wasnít a bad husband.

I know when I would read JFO, I absolutely projected my DD aftermath. At 20 months out, I donít have this projection any longer. I think we can see the unremorseful spouse vs the remorseful spouse.

My marriage is one which is better. A very good friend cheated on her husband years ago. I watched how he treated her. His response was cruel. (Not the initial shock part). But what he did in the 3 years after DD. She was so remorseful. Couldnít believe what she had done. When I discovered, I assumed he would cut all ties with his 5 week affair. Truly 5 weeks. Didnít even know her. Met and slept with on same night. I assumed he would immediately give up his AP. The next 5 weeks after DD were so awful. Anyway, I had spent years seeing my remorseful friend doing all she could to save her marriage. Putting up with cruel humiliation from her husband. They are divorcing now. I wish they werenít. I wish he could have found it in his heart to open up to her again.

I do not like the burn her at the stake threads. Especially when the wayward wife is remorseful. Or the wayward husband is.

Your thread is a good one. You are an clear concise writer. I am glad you are on SI. I am going to start a thread on reconciliation about sex with the spouse before the affair. I hope you will comment.

Marz posted 2/9/2018 07:51 AM

Mrs. Walloped,

Many just never "get it" because they aren't on the receiving end.

I think you maybe one of the rare ones.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving and never fully goes away. However, it can dissipate over time. Your current actions will help.

Many stay married but never really recover. They just exist.

I think you coming here is pretty brave. Facing your demons upfront can only help you both.

Many find out what they truly had only after its gone.

Good luck to you both.

goingsolo1 posted 2/9/2018 07:57 AM

Mrs Walloped,

Thank you for being brave and posting your story on SI, I don't really post a lot but I follow SI and I have read your husband's thread. Reading Walloped's posts broke my heart, like so many other posts in the JFO section. But you are trying your best to heal your husband and yourself and it brings immense warmth to my heart.

I wanted to ask you something and you can ignore the question if you don't want to answer, that's fine. I know you are overwhelmed with the response here. I respect Walloped for the composure he has shown and I commend you for trying your hardest to heal your family.

I used to believe 'the made for each other' tag line a lot. I've heard about and actually seen fairy tale love stories unfold. Like two people were meant to be with each other. Two people who got together at a very young age when they did not understand what love was and fell deeper in love as they grew older. They lose their virginity to each other and sexually have only been with each other. I am starting my question with these lines because I believe the amount of injustice a spouse in such a relationship would feel had their partner had a sexual relationship with someone else would be tremendous as they themselves devoted their emotions and body to just one person throughout their entire life.

I understand yours was such a scenario too, you and Walloped had known only each other as sexual partners before your affair and I am sure in your eyes as well as your husband's that must have made your marriage and your love for each other a tad bit more special.

Don't get me wrong, all marriages are special, but the idea of having a single sexual partner throughout your life, the idea of loving and making love to just one sounds deeply romantic and special.

Mrs Walloped, has your husband ever highlighted this aspect of your affair?
How do you help him with his healing when it comes to the fact that you now have had more than one sexual partner while your husband's only experience is with you?

Thank you for sharing your experience, your responses are helping a lot of people here. My prayers are with you and your family.

[This message edited by goingsolo1 at 7:58 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Owl6118 posted 2/9/2018 09:45 AM

Mrs. W, please be sure you take care of yourself and pace yourself. This place is also a place for you.

It is OK to take a rest when you need it.

MrsWalloped posted 2/9/2018 10:15 AM

It is OK to take a rest when you need it.

Thank you Owl. People have been so kind and supportive and people seem to be looking for answers that might help them (or theyíre just curious about me cause apparently the whole world has read my husbandís posts!), but either way I want to do what I can too.

Iím going to answer some more questions and then Iíll log off for the weekend. We have some family things planned with my boys. Also, itíll be good for me to take a break. Thanks for pushing me to do that.

Unhinged posted 2/9/2018 10:23 AM

Iím pretty overwhelmed by it all and I certainly didnít expect to get so many responses to my post! Finding out that so many people know my story and know all these details about us, about our girls or my in laws, my sister, what I did. Iím not upset about it but itís a little disconcerting and very intimidating. Iím scared to find out what else people know!
I think you and your H would benefit from a very honest and in depth discussion about all of this. Sharing SI can be rather tricky at times. However, and this is just my opinion, if you're going to share, then you have to share. At some point, if you decide to stick around and become a member, you'll have access to all of his posts, from day one until today. How tempting do you think that will be?

I can't speak for everyone, of course, but we know you had an affair. For those of us who followed your H's story, we also know that in many respects, after being caught, you weren't all that different from other WS. We know that you've tried very hard to make this right, to own it, work on yourself and your marriage. We know that it's been over two years and that you and Walloped are still together, still committed to healing and moving on with your lives. That's what really important here, MrsWalloped. At least, to those of us reconciled or still in the process, so long as you both remain committed to R, your marriage and family, we're rooting for both of you.

I hope you find what you're looking for here. I think you will, if you look hard enough. There are some truly amazing people here, including your H.

Iwantmyglasses posted 2/9/2018 11:12 AM

Just to echo on your concerns regarding people knowing your story.

Not sure if you saw my post on wayward about the skin being torn off of your body after DD. I will find it and attach it.

I literally felt I was walking around with my skin peeled off my body. I felt so exposed to the world. I had zero defenses left to arm me. People could look into my very soul and see me. No pretending. Nothing. Just absolute raw emotion pouring out of my soul. I had no skin. There was no barrier between me and the world. My heart was so badly hurt. How could my husband do this to me? I will never forget going to Savanah in Septemeber (June DD). I walked around by myself with no skin. Other people were happy. Smiling. I had no skin.

And oh my gosh. If my husband destroyed me. Gorgeous and lovingly kind strangers in this world showed me love. Random people. Strangers. It was like they could see. Completely see. So many people were kind. I clutched onto the kindness of strangers. Not just that weekend. People bought me coffee. Random strangers hugging me. A man saying to me. God wants me to tell you...your husband needs to focus on me. This isnít the life I have planned for you.

It is such a lonely time after DD. People donít understand. Before the affair. I loved holding hands with my husband and turning his wedding ring on his finger as we held hands. I canít do it now. I hate touching his wedding ring. Weird right? I let him touch me. But his wedding ring touched another woman. I hate touching it. I donít want him to get rid it or a new one. I bought that for him. I loved his ring. He loved his ring. Now....touching it burns me.

I tried to explain to my friends. They didnít understand. SI understands. It is a good feeling in the midst of this to know people understand that I donít want that ring to burn me.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 11:29 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Jorge posted 2/9/2018 12:33 PM

Of all experiences/stories shared on SI, there are a few members whose story becomes more easy to remember than others. Your husband's was one of them. The driving force weren't dirty details, but his ability to recall and communicate every thought, hurt, pain, win, milestone, etc.

I can remember so much of his experiences. His internal turmoil on whether he could/would attend the traditional labor day family picnic. The nervous glances you exchanged with him while there. The brief uncomfortable exchange you initiated on you being invited by SIL and hoping it was okay with him. His paranoia of "who knew", and his BIL's awkward, detached disposition which fed into it. Walloped, holding his beer can so tightly he thought he was going to collapse it as the triggering song blared which lead to his panic attack.

Your early recognition of his his attack coming on which enabled you to help comfort him, which if I recall signified how attentive you were. All, so real and expressed so vividly, it is remarkably easy to live it in one's mind. So, it's the emotional detail, not the dirty details that made it so captivating.

While everyone experiences extreme emotion and pain, some such as your husband's and a few others are adept at skillfully communicating every thought and feeling and thereby adding a human element that makes it personal. Ohforanewme, cantsleepcanteat, and spaceghost are a few members who come to mind whose ability to express themselves captivates and demands attention, much like reading a nonfiction novel.

Ironically, or perhaps maybe not, as this thread evolves, you too may fall into this category as this thread reads like an Ann Landers Q&A column. Because Wallops was so gracious to open a part of his life, we (at least I do) feel as if he's someone I and we know. You coming on enables a unique view from the WS perspective which is supported by knowing the journey you both have traveled. You are and will be a valuable contributor to SI for reasons stated above. Your remorseful and courageous recommitted efforts are modeled well for aspiring WS seeking reconciliation.

Even last summer's bumpy road, which was unknown to me, deepened the authenticity of your story, as it reflects similar bumpy road and non-perfect paths taken by couples where smooth sailing and happily ever after doesn't necessarily exist in the months and years following the reconciled affair. Thank you for being here.

MrsWalloped posted 2/9/2018 13:02 PM

(((Hopeful4life)))

Iím so so sorry to hear that.

My question to you is how do you stay honest and truthful here and put your heart out there and your H can read it and process it and stay?

I wish I had a good answer for you. At the beginning I wasnít fully honest. I lied about a few things. But my husband sat me down and told me that we were basically divorced and he spoke to a lawyer and the only chance I had at staying together was being completely and totally honest with him. I was so scared and he was so angry and he seemed to know things and he was in control and he asked me so many questions so I just told him. What did it matter anymore? He already hated me and we were getting divorced and he was in so much pain that I thought let me at least help him by being honest. But truthfully, even then I still lied about contacting my AP because he told me heíd leave me if I did and I was scared to admit it. We were separating and he was literally packing when I told him about it. Of course he already knew I lied. When he left I made a deal with God. You know one of those. And I promised Iíd give him whatever he needed. My husband needed me to share my feelings and tell him what I did without holding back. So I did. And every time I did I thought heíd hate me more and leave me. Each time I was terrified that this was it. But he told me that my being honest was the only way forward for him and if I wasnít then heíd leave for sure. Funny, I remember him using a bandaid analogy. Ripping it off fast hurts but not as much as ripping it off slowly. So I didnít do anything special. I didnít think I had much of a choice.

How he was able to hear me talk about my AP and what I did and ask me questions over and over again and not leave me, I truly donít know.

I would say itís never too late. Give your husband what he needs. Donít worry about what heíll do because heís already told you heís divorcing you. So what do you have to lose? Itís super scary but the worst thing is already happening. Just talk to him. Maybe it will help him. And if I can be a little forward, maybe itíll be good for you too. I think itís important to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts and not bury them. Doing that is part of why Iím in the situation Iím in.

(((Hopeful4life)))

Sharkman,

I wouldnít agree that Iím smart. Iím very very stupid.

What was your logical evolution of a loving relationship? You thought the AP was single at the time. When we you planning on ending it?

There was nothing logical about it. It was teenager-ish. We knew each other for about a year beforehand and we were emotional involved for a little over two months before it became physical. But it was all bad teenage romantic movie gibberish. Not relationship love. Not deep meaningful love. We talked about silly things. His compliments were adult but also childish. Weíd be at Starbucks and Iíd say the the caramel Frappuccino was yummy and heíd say that I was yummy. Yes, it was pathetic. But I took every single thing he said as proof he loved me.

I didnít plan on ending it. I thought about it because it was exhausting. I know it sounds crazy. Poor me living this fantasy life having forbidden sex with a wealthy man in a beautiful apartment while having a beautiful family at home and a husband who provided for me. How pitiful! What a sob story. And itís nauseating to write it like that but itís the truth. And it was exhausting. So I did think about ending it but nothing concrete. And I never planned on leaving my husband for him no matter if he was single or not. In fact he wanted me to. After I called him when my husband found out, he thought it was great that my husband knew cause now we could be together. I know itís sounds crazy but I thought he was crazy for even thinking that.

ohvienna,

but it sounds like she kind of saw you as a proxy, or at least.. offshoot? manifestation? of her, and she expected perfection? She needed you to represent her "perfectly" or else it was reactivating this devestating w/I her? So she loved you, or rather, treated you with love only when you performed her definition of perfect?

OMG! This is so her! She had a Brooklyn accent that she always tried to hide. I of course had to speak with perfect diction. She dressed me in her styles. I was a teenager in the 80ís. I wanted to wear Benetton sweatshirts and dress like Lisa Bonet from the Cosby Show. I wanted to wear denim jackets and cute hats and funky shoes. She used to make me dress in styles from the 60ís because thatís what she wore. Sheíd buy me pearl earring and butterfly pins and make me wear them. I hate pearls. Iíd buy my own clothes with babysitting money and if I was lucky, she wouldnít throw them out. I canít count how many times she told me I embarrassed her in front of someone else for some little thing that wasnít how she wanted me to behave or act.

I donít know if she ever really loved me, but I didnít understand unconditional love until after I had my own children. Iíd see it by my friends houses. Mothers who were overprotective of their children and smothered them with hugs and kisses. I thought it was weird. Iíve talked about your thoughts in therapy. I never thought of it that way explicitly but I acted that way. I always had to be the perfect wife and mother. Not because anybody told me I had to or got upset if I wasnít, but because I just had to. Like the world would fall apart if I wasnít and people would see me for the fraud I was.

Trying2copeinMD,

When you saw that this is progressing somewhere inappropriate, did you ever think that you should end it before it became physical? Did you think you were too far along? What I mean is, did you feel like you've already went too far to walk away without Shane, and just decided to keep on going? Did you have Any ideas about a future with this person? Any guilt while the whole thing was going on?

Whoís Shane?

I never had any thoughts about a future with my AP. I did know right from wrong and I just didnít care. I gave myself excuses why each step was okay. Itís not so bad. We really didnít do anything horrible. We just talked. He just brushed my hair away. He just touched my arm. I just held his hand. We just kissed. It was just a peck thatís all. It wasnít until we had sex the first time when I knew Iíd keep going. It wasnít because I felt like I was in too deep. More like because I loved how it made me feel and I wanted more of that. I felt guilty the first time and a few times after but I got very good at pushing those thoughts away. At home, if I thought about it at all, then the house would end up being the cleanest it ever was. Iíd prepare awesome meals. I became super mom. See? Iím not bad. Iím the best wife and mother ever!

Iwantmyglasses,

Iím so sorry for what your husband did to you and for your pain. I hope my posts havenít triggered you.

When you were in the midst of the affair, what gave you the right to hurt your husband? He wasnít a bad husband.

No he wasnít. I was a bad wife. And the answer is nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing gave me the right to do what I did. That didnít matter. I never justified it to myself saying my husband was a rotten guy so Iím entitled. I was worse than that. I just didnít care. I only thought about what I wanted and needed.

Iím glad youíre at peace.

Goingsolo1,

Don't get me wrong, all marriages are special, but the idea of having a single sexual partner throughout your life, the idea of loving and making love to just one sounds deeply romantic and special.
Mrs Walloped, has your husband ever highlighted this aspect of your affair?
How do you help him with his healing when it comes to the fact that you now have had more than one sexual partner while your husband's only experience is with you?

I think I have to stop being surprised at the things people know!

This is hard. It was special and we were special together and I soiled it. Thatís not the right word. You can get out stains. This is irrevocable. I donít know the right thing to compare it to but if we stay married, then for the rest of my life Iíll be his one and only but he wonít be mine. Itís a big deal for him. A really big deal. He didnít want to touch me for months because of it. And he went through a whole period when he doubted himself, he wanted to know if my AP was better than him in bed, physically too (he wasnít, just different). He couldnít handle knowing the things I did with my AP. He asked me about everything we did over and over again. About positions and where we did it and the things we said while together. He had horrible nightmares and what he called mind movies about me and my AP. Even when we started having sex again weíd stop in the middle so many times because he couldnít get thoughts of me and him out of his head. And weíd just cry together. If he did something pleasurable to me and I responded to it heíd ask if thatís what my AP did or if thatís how I sounded with him. Heís much better about it now though. I think itís part of his work on acceptance, but I donít think heíll ever get over this fully. I can say my husband has always only been mine but he canít say the same.

How do I help him heal? I canít do anything about this specifically. I canít change it. But I snuggle up to him and kiss his neck. I thank him for staying with me. I think I said some of this before but I initiate sex a lot more than I ever did. I hardly ever say no when he asks. I thank him for loving me and making love to me. I try to be more playful with him. I entice him. I dress up for him when we go out and in a different way when weíre home alone. We went shopping for lingerie together and I wear them for him. I compliment him and tell him how sexy and attractive I think he his. After sex I tell him how great it was and that heís the only one who ever made me feel this way. And when my AP does come up, I tell Walloped that my AP never did for me what he does. That sex is much better with him than with my AP. And itís true. Yes, I enjoyed the sex, but it was a selfish relationship. We each were in it for ourselves. I got off on him complimenting me and telling me how horny he was for me or how sexy I was. He talked a lot during sex and that fed my desire. But we didnít connect the same way. We didnít have that history I have with my husband. I didnít feel loved and safe and accepted and treasured the way I did with my husband. Iím not always good at what I try to do. Some of it is awkward and funny and weird but itís all I know. And the best part is that when I try, he tries too. And we both enjoy that. Does that help him heal? I donít know that anything could really but I hope that at least letís him know that I treasure him and that it eases his pain a little bit.

Iwantmyglasses,

Thank you for sharing that. I know my husband felt so alone too. He told me he had nobody left. I donít know what he would have done if his brother wasnít around for him. I donít want to dishonor you by saying I truly understand about his ring but I do know that there are so many things that trigger people and I can see why his ring would do that for you. Funny thing is that I can tell you that my wedding ring is now one of my most precious possessions. That and our wedding and family albums. Everything else can go in the trash for all I care. So as much as those might be triggers for a BS, theyíre my life support system.

I get why he shared here. And Iím grateful he was able to.

harrybrown posted 2/9/2018 13:47 PM

Mr. Walloped is a much better man than I am.

Hold on tight to him.

He would be a prize for the ladies.

I can not believe my wife did not love or still love the OM during the A. She held hands and more. that the sex was better because it was affair sex and new and exciting, not just different.

I can not believe that she ever thought about me, because she was/is always thinking about the special time with the affair partner. She put so much effort and time into the A, and none was left for anyone else. makes me wonder if she thinks about him when we are together.

How she could make the decision and live with the guilt or lack of guilt tells me she does not love me. She has succeeded in killing my love for her.

I just want justice, I want the excitement of the affair and being wanted because she could have chosen me, but threw me away for someone else. (but I do not want the pain) the counseling we went to was worthless. I will think and live with this many times every day. Hope she really enjoyed it. I was told that I need surgery. She wants to have the surgery. I am not going to have the surgery. My life will be much shorter without the surgery.

Hang on tight to Mr. Walloped. He is quite a prize.

onlytime posted 2/9/2018 17:02 PM

I read Walloped's story when he first arrived at SI but I honestly don't recall very much of it as it was so long ago, so I don't have as much background knowledge as others who have responded to you, but I do have some questions for you based on what you have shared so far in your own posts.

one example my therapist used was that I have a different operating system than other people. My default setting is that Iím worthless. Nothing I do is good. Anything that goes wrong is a confirmation of that fact.

Do you still struggle with feeling worthless? If so, how do you think that impacts Walloped and your relationship with him? What are you specifically doing to address this issue? How is that working out? Has your therapist had you look at and challenge the cognitive distortions that feed the belief that you're worthless? What have you done to address the shame that is at the heart of those feelings?

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was betraying my husband. I just didnít care enough

Why didn't you care enough?

While I shouldíve talked to my husband about my feelings and what I was going through, I didnít
.

Why not? What kept you from sharing your feelings and your struggles with him?

I didnít know how to cope when I wasnít getting my pellets of validation from the people in my life. Now I do. I have tools and mechanisms.

What exactly are the tools and mechanisms you have now? In what ways are they effective for you?

part of my therapy has been self-reinforcement. Positive messaging. Rewiring my brain so that I believe that Iím worthwhile and valuable. So that I lessen my need for external validation

Could you clarify what you mean by self-reinforcement? Are you referring to positive affirmations?

I get a high from helping others because it makes me feel good about myself and I need to feel good about myself because in the absence of that I donít. My default isnít neutral, itís that Iím bad. So I actively look for things to do to push those feelings aside.

How is pushing those feelings aside helpful in the long run? Why not address and challenge them instead? Needing to help others to feel good about yourself and getting a high from it is still seeking external validation.

Right now I find it easier to answer questions or talk about my past than to talk about my issues or ask for help

Why is that?

nicenomore posted 2/9/2018 22:55 PM

Mrs. Walloped-

I promise this is the last set of questions I will ask you, as I believe you haven been candid and have given immense clarity into the mind of a remorseful WW. I have benefited from it. I also imagine that you probably think what I did is your worst nightmare scenario from your BH, and Im sorry if my story elicits worry for you.

I can completely see how the dilemma of ďone and onlyĒ is a crushing reminder and realization your marriage faces everyday. And beyond the hurt and betrayal, the feeling of unfairness your H lives with. My question to you is, if, within the confines of a healthy and loving and honest marriage, you engaged in sexual experiences that could help your husband move past this issue, would you consider it? Would you ever, if he really wanted it, consider having a threesome with him, with a woman who isnít a threat to your marriage, you trust, and would be purely for sexual exploration for him? Before you assume the worst, please hear me out- I donít mean him have a revenge affair. I donít mean him lying to you or excluding you, I mean giving him a gift of a sexual experience that a) many men fantasize about, and b) would help to rid him of that eternal feeling of injustice? Iím the context of a healthy marriage I donít be believe that sexual exploration of any kind is necessarily unhealthy so Long as itís honest, mutually decided, and ultimately secondary to love the two partners feel for each other. Iím not advocating being swingers, but if he so desires, this maybe one of those once in a lifetime gifts that would show your true love for him.

My ex wife did it for me, but sadly I feel it was more out of desperation than anything, and your husband and you are in much different stages than we were, but I will say that it meant ALOT to me thatís my wife would do something like that, even though she didnít need to. Just something to think about, but please donít think Iím condoning revenge, I am only suggesting a grand gesture of a sexual gift that may help him heal.


And my other question, was, did your husband ever question whether the AP was better endowed? If so, is it something he dwells on? Is he able To move past it? If not, did it give him any closure, or a sense of some small victory? I ask because it was a question that ate at me incessantly. It triggered my insecurities constantly, and while my wife swore her AP wasnít, it was definitely a stumbling block as part of the mind movies you have become explicitly aware of. I only knew for sure she was telling the truth after my relations with the OMs wife.

I Know these are tough questions, but if you would be so kind as to give me your take on them as a WW, i would be grateful. I hope you enjoy your family weekend .


[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:57 PM, February 9th (Friday)]

still-living posted 2/10/2018 02:04 AM

they talked a lot about his acceptance of my affair and what his life is now and that heíd have to make a decision about how he wanted to live it and whether he wanted me in it or not.

This is a common obstacle for a BS IMO. No matter how hard the WS works for the BS, the burden of history still remains inside the BS. The BS is forced to learn how to carry a new permanent emotional burden. The BS is forced to accept life will never return back to the way it was before the affair. This problem flushes when there is not much more a WS can do to make it right. This is why attending IC is so important for the BS, IMO. Even more difficult is when the BS carries his or her own skeletons. Their skeletons must be processed away to build a new stronger foundation. For many BSs, this work is not worth it, even when the WS is fully remorseful. It takes two to reconcile and acceptance is one of the major final hurdles to healthy reconciliation. What you are explaining is normal and heading down the right path, IMO. Just remember there is only so much you can do, unfortunately, to fix it all.

[This message edited by still-living at 2:10 AM, February 10th (Saturday)]

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