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Married after 10 years into relationship. 6 months post marriage

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oldtruck posted 2/24/2018 07:49 AM

An affair for two and a half years and she only
had sex 3 times with the OM? I doubt that.

I would say to tell her that you find it hard to
believe her and you need her to take a poly.

Though being you are young, no kids, and now
finding out different religions, best advice is to
forget the poly, forget her, and get a divorce.

Do not let yourself fall in the trap that you
must save your marriage because all four parents
were against the marriage originally due to
religious differences.

manfromlamancha posted 2/24/2018 11:20 AM

Was the OM the same religion as her ? Are these religions really that opposed ? What religions are we talking about ?

She got a chance to cheat on you while away and she did - as others are saying there was probably a lot more sex than she is admitting to.

She sees you as a stable option but did not want to let go of her ego kibbles from the other guy. He probably did not even offer marriage - you did. She knows he is playing her but she enjoys (enjoyed) it.

A poly is a damn good idea. However it doesn't seem like she is the kind of person you should stay married to. Do not have any kids with her - be careful here.

um87 posted 2/26/2018 06:14 AM

Some updates:

Over the weekend told her clearly that I wanted a D. She is saying that she really loves me, realises her mistake.

Still I press her hard and tell her nothing can be done, as i don't want to be with her. Now she is saying she would commit suicide if i divorce her. (She says her existence does not matter without me and would rather die)

I am really not sure if it's a bluff, because i got hold on her internet searches (her unknowingly), and they show some searches on the same line (How and methods for it). Plus she has ordered some sleeping pills as well online.

Tigersrule77 posted 2/26/2018 07:04 AM

Does she have family nearby that can monitor her? If she is making those threats and you think there is a chance she is serious, you can't ignore it. But also, don't allow her to hold you hostage with those threats.

If you are going to file, then do so.

Sharkman posted 2/26/2018 07:48 AM

The instant that she mentions suicide you call 911. NO QUESTIONS ANSKED.

There is quite literally not a single person on this website qualified to give diagnosis on her condition. She needs very acute mental health care that none of us (including yourself) are qualified to give.

She's probably just using it to manipulate you, but you can absolutely play this no other way.

Do not allow it to impact your decision.

beenthereinco posted 2/26/2018 09:41 AM

Get her professional help for the suicide threat but you can't live under that emotional blackmail.

Sknippen posted 2/26/2018 12:22 PM

Please don't start with kids. It will only make the situation worse. You should be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you will be able to trust her in the future. If no search someone who earns you're trust.

Freeme posted 2/26/2018 12:24 PM

The instant that she mentions suicide you call 911. NO QUESTIONS ANSKED.
Let her friends/family know about the suicide threats. You need to be able to take a step back. If she is using it to manipulate you then she will eventually stop if you call 911 and friends and family. If she is serious then they are the people that can help her not you.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/26/2018 13:03 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation um87. I would normally say that you have two choices [to stay or go] but once a person starts threatening to kill themselves, you've walked into Crazy-town and you need to hit your maximum stride and get the hell out of it quick.

Additionally, how do you know when someone is lying? When they change the story. I had the same issue with my ex over her first [first one she was caught at] affair. She changed the story three times. It went from sex to only touching, then in the third story she convinced herself there was no physical touching at all; Crazy-town.

In the "It's kind of brain vs. heart now for me." category, I'd recommend brain. Changing stories and suicide threats are never good signs. Innocent people are ruined all day long in those areas of Crazy-town.

And like you said, "But then if i forgive her now and continue what if something similar happens 10 years down the marriage?" BOOM! Exactly! Welcome to Crazy-town.

You're dealing with a delusional cheater who will repeat her behavior. She's living in her own version of reality. Leave that town quickly and permanently. Don't look back and don't fall down.

Take care of yourself.

ISurvived7734 posted 2/26/2018 15:17 PM

I am really not sure if it's a bluff, because i got hold on her internet searches (her unknowingly), and they show some searches on the same line (How and methods for it). Plus she has ordered some sleeping pills as well online.
Contact her family and try to get her committed as a crisis situation and danger to herself. You can probably do this yourself but it would be much more effective if her family works with you on this.

Bluff or not, what she is doing is the ultimate manipulation. She's trying to manage you and the situation by changing the focus of her cheating onto her being horribly depressed. If I were you I would take this behavior of hers as an indication of just how bad her affair actually was/is. She's willing to threaten something like this in order to throw you off the track and change the conversation. Really shameless of her. Remember that everything she has told you about the affair - especially the sex - is bullshit. Chapter 1, page 1 of the cheaters handbook is "lie, minimize, and lie some more" and every WS lives by these words. With no children to consider there is no reason to put yourself - and her - through the living hell of attempting to reconcile.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 3:18 PM, February 26th (Monday)]

paboy posted 3/2/2018 11:32 AM

um87
How are things progressing? Let us know if you need further advice/friends to speak with.

paboy posted 3/3/2018 14:44 PM

Its been near a week since you last posted. I hope things are improving, that your ok.

um87 posted 3/5/2018 03:41 AM

Hello,
Thanks a lot for the concern !! Have been doing a lot of reading on the topic lately and sad to discover that it(infidelity) is way more common than i thought it was.

Special thanks to the people running this forum. There are not much options for discussing these issues in real life.

The situation as it now stands is-
She has asked for some time(one chance to change my opinion of her). She wants to stay together till June end/July (our birthday and anniversary- both fall in last week of June). And if after that also i want D, she says she would comply.

[This message edited by um87 at 3:42 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

paboy posted 3/5/2018 04:29 AM

well.. At the end of the day, it comes down to what you are most comfortable with. Where you think you will obtain optimum happiness.

If you decide to take this route, obviously she will give it as best she can, can you..

Are you still in IC? You will need the best of care to help you through this.

Hoping for happiness and peace for you.

paboy posted 3/5/2018 04:29 AM

sorry double post

[This message edited by paboy at 4:30 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

Okokok posted 3/5/2018 04:40 AM

She has asked for some time(one chance to change my opinion of her). She wants to stay together till June end/July (our birthday and anniversary- both fall in last week of June). And if after that also i want D, she says she would comply.

And what do you want? Serious question.

If things could go exactly as you wanted them to go, if you could make anything happen in your life -- what would that look like? Where would you like to see yourself in a year, 5 years, 10 years?

manfromlamancha posted 3/5/2018 05:09 AM

Was the OM the same religion as her ? Are these religions really that opposed ? What religions are we talking about ?
She got a chance to cheat on you while away and she did - as others are saying there was probably a lot more sex than she is admitting to.

She sees you as a stable option but did not want to let go of her ego kibbles from the other guy. He probably did not even offer marriage - you did. She knows he is playing her but she enjoys (enjoyed) it.

A poly is a damn good idea. However it doesn't seem like she is the kind of person you should stay married to. Do not have any kids with her - be careful here.

I still would like to know the answers to the above. What religions are involved here and was the OM the same religion as her or you?

GoldenR posted 3/5/2018 05:38 AM

Tell her you'll give her her requested time IF she files rape charges on the OM. I mean, he did rape her, right?

justamadman posted 3/5/2018 06:13 AM

I feel like there is one huge problem with the proposed sixth month reconciliation attempt. She still hasnít told you the truth. I think if you really want to do a waiting period, then you have to sit her down and tell her you need her to truthfully answer every question you ask of her. Because and soon as the truth trickles out it will totally and utterly be like another DDay. I imagine that her four year relationship with this OM is likely full of disgusting details. At this point you can try as long as you want, but more importantly you canít end it anytime you want. But I see no reason in waiting without beginning with the truth.

Itís not hard for me to imagine that she really does love you, and never ever imagined being with him over you. Because you guys were doing in a long distance relationship for a decade. And honestly, most people wouldnít have been able to do that. But here is the problem, you did it. Nearly ten years true. While you sacrificed, she didnít. And she didnít have the courtesy to tell you that she wasnít living up to that idea. Itís really amazing that she was on those calls with you. Thatís honestly the most devious act. Everyone of those phone calls was a way to trick you into staying true to her. Meanwhile, it is quite possible that she had sex more with him than with you. I say all that to say you have earned the truth. And it really is in her interest to get it all out now if she really wants it to work. Because itís not like you will just stop hunting for the truth. Good luck.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 3/5/2018 08:19 AM

I think you know she is lying but why would she stay in contact with a guy who raped her? She did tell you he forced her to have sex so he raped her.

Has she agreed to go to the authorities and file charges? In all honesty I hope she doesnít because as big as a piece of crap the OM is I donít think for one minute he raped her.

I think after cheating you should divorce. If she wants to get married again after spending a few years proving herself than that is fine. Your whole marriage has been a lie.

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