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BS Questions for WS's - Part 12

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SI Staff posted 5/4/2018 09:28 AM

This thread is for Betrayed Spouses to ask questions of Wayward Spouses. Betrayed Spouses are not to answer on this thread.

Kamstel posted 5/4/2018 12:08 PM

What were you thinking immediately after the first time and saw your loving spouse?

islesguy posted 5/6/2018 11:02 AM

Kamstel,

I don't understand your question. Can you rephrase it?

Kamstel posted 5/6/2018 12:30 PM

After you had cheated, and returned home to your loving spouse, what were you thinking?

islesguy posted 5/6/2018 14:02 PM

I was just trying to forget about it. But then I also started an EA few days later with that same person because to me that was something different and I didn't think about it as cheating.

Darkness Falls posted 5/6/2018 19:50 PM

I was trying to figure out how I was going to leave him while causing him as little pain as possible and not getting found out by others in my life.

DogsnBooks posted 5/7/2018 06:01 AM

How long post-DDay did it take you to truly uncover your “why”s?

You may divulge the whys you discovered if you feel so inclined.

MrsWalloped posted 5/7/2018 08:36 AM

How long post-DDay did it take you to truly uncover your “why”s?
It’s been almost 3 years and I’m still learning. I know the overarching why’s but I never really paid attention to those discoveries for their dates. I’d have to review all my journals to find that out, but I’d guess probably a year or so.

Now, in IC we focus on deeper why’s and a bunch of other things (CBT, coping mechanisms, positive reinforcement, etc.). Those deeper why’s is an ongoing process. DaddyDom had a wonderful and insightful post in the Wayward Forum on that, which is basically what we do (me and my therapist). You keep asking why to your answers so you can really get to the heart of your issues.

Darkness Falls posted 5/7/2018 09:21 AM

It took probably about a year to fully unpack all the whys, although I knew many of them all along. At the top of the list are selfishness, entitlement, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. The whys for THOSE stem from childhood and adolescence—a LOT of difficulty with my peer group such as bullying, being left out, and social rejection mostly due to issues beyond my control but that I never learned to cope with in a healthy way or rise above. Instead, I coped by attempting to re-capture, in a sense, all that I had missed out on or lost once I grew up (physically, in a literal sense; I didn’t really grow up very well psychologically or emotionally).

There’s of course a lot more to it all than that brief sketch, but those are the basics.

Merida posted 5/7/2018 09:27 AM

speaking of whys... yeah these I imagine are hard to peel through at the deeper layers

and yes, agree DaddyDom has a good post on that so dunno if I saw replies that addressed the

why didn't you value loyalty and integrity? [this part: What made you care so little about your own integrity and the welfare of the people in your life that you love, that you still decided to carry all those lies and betrayals?]

the mentality starts with self-betrayal because (and yes I am going to infer we all start out the same until some choose the path of self-deception) we all do inherently know right from wrong

thanks in advance 'cause this one has had Katumus stumped for awhile and I am not sitting well with accepting simply executive function impairment with aspergers... maybe it is, I'm still processing because that lack of loyalty and integrity as I would think one can imagine is a huge bug up my butt in regards to an inability to trust

So, now here is the follow-up question

How do you know you have changed? How do you evidence that you value (for yourself and then family) that loyalty and integrity now?

MidnightRun posted 5/7/2018 09:37 AM

Perhaps it was asked earlier, but how did you immediately act towards your bs after the first physical encounter (kiss, sex) with ap. Were you overly solicitous or lovey to assuage your guilt or were you detached?

Darkness Falls posted 5/7/2018 09:41 AM

The very simple (and sociopathic) answer is that I didn’t value loyalty because I was so resentful of past hurts where none was shown to me. I was a vengeful, tit-for-tat person to such an extent that because I couldn’t punish those who wronged me, I didn’t care about those who were actually still IN my life and whether or not my actions hurt THEM. I wasn’t deliberately out to “get” my husband or my parents or my friends or anyone else I hurt; I just didn’t care. I had built, over the years, such a wall around me that I just simply didn’t care beyond a very surface-level lip service facade that wore a mask of caring for others. That sort of indirectly answers the question about integrity; in my warped mind, I *was* behaving with integrity in the sense that I was being true to who I was—I just never clued anyone else in and allowed them to make their own decisions based on the truth. And of course that was for my own selfish gain and self-protection—I knew instinctively that if others saw the real me, the lifelong pattern of isolation and rejection would continue, so I became a very good actor.

As for how I’m different now: that is still very much a work in progress. It’s still unbelievably hard for me to drop my defenses and be my authentic self without also dropping the “my way or the highway”, “take it or leave it” attitude—or, rather, retaining it but in a healthy way. On occasion what I pretty up as “boundaries” and “independence” still looks suspiciously like “too effing bad if you don’t like it.” But I am committed to not deliberately hurting others like I did before, and that alone is a giant leap forward.

Darkness Falls posted 5/7/2018 09:43 AM

Midnight,

I don’t really remember but if I had to guess I’d say I probably didn’t put off much of a signal right away—back in those days, at the start of the affair, it was pretty easy for me to compartmentalize.

DogsnBooks posted 5/7/2018 10:00 AM

DaddyDom had a wonderful and insightful post in the Wayward Forum on that

Thanks. Not sure I can find which post you’re talking about. Would someone be able to bump up the right thread for me??

Merida posted 5/7/2018 18:09 PM

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617173

this was the post I read awhile ago...think it's pg 7-8 wayward forum

thanks Darkness, yeah-no IMO sociopathic seems to me a bit strong, seems more just immaturity involved

yeah, the power of compartmentalizing is a factor I'm sure

Krystlebefore posted 5/9/2018 00:52 AM

It’s at least a decade post infidelity for me and I’m still discovering whys - deep seated stuff can take a long time to unearth - does for me anyway.

Why’s - poor management of unrelenting stress, infidelity after the first time I had sex and feeling that if he just had sex with me again it would show I was worthwhile

islesguy posted 5/9/2018 16:25 PM

DogsnBooks,


How long post-DDay did it take you to truly uncover your “why”s?

Well, I won't even count the first 3 or 4 years while I was still holding out for rug sweeping. The last few have been different and I have continued to learn more about myself and my why's which has been a but frustrating for my BS when I say something different than before. I see the why's as an evolution that will probably go on for the rest of my life.

Bulldawg2010 posted 5/14/2018 00:06 AM

This might have been asked already, but how long did it take to get out of the affair fog?

And how long did it take for the your BS to accept what happened?

MrsWalloped posted 5/14/2018 08:26 AM

This might have been asked already, but how long did it take to get out of the affair fog?

For me it was pretty quickly, like maybe 2 weeks. I still exhibited Wayward behavior for a while after, but the fog about my AP was over pretty quickly.
And how long did it take for the your BS to accept what happened?

I’m not sure what you mean. Understand what happened? Learned to deal with? Internalize it? It’s been almost three years for us and my husband still struggles with Acceptance. Although he’s made a lot of progress recently.

The answers to both of your questions will be different for different people.

Evertrying posted 5/14/2018 14:56 PM

Waywards,

For those of you in LTA (over a year) or were "in love" with your AP, why did you stay with your spouse? What were the reasons you didn't leave to be with your AP? Those having an A with another married person, were you waiting for them to leave their BS?

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