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Finally came clean about my infidelity

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Pragmatic posted 5/15/2018 15:41 PM

Hi TillyJane,

Firstly congratulations on coming clean, it must have been incredibly hard and worrying about how you BH would react.

From his reaction I believe means the two of you have a very solid and loving marriage, but this has still came as a huge shock to him and understandably so. You will need to support him unreservedly.

You have come clean, I sincerely hope 100%, I know you stay in the WW forum, but trickle truths totally kill a marriage, so you have to be 100% honest with him now, this is your last chance. When you both get through this, as I believe you will, coming to him in x years times and disclosing something else would absolutely destroy him and you possibly would be out the door so fast you would not have time to put your shoes on.

Secondly, I considered posting earlier as you were getting a pasting and running yourself down, your husband does not need a defeatist, he needs a wife who is going to fight tooth and nail to make him happy and secure, itíll not be easy.., so stop saying you worthless etc, youíre not otherwise he would not be giving you this chance.

I wish you all the best going forward.

TillyJane posted 5/15/2018 17:34 PM

Trust me, there will be nothing else to tell him. Right now I am having trickle truths as you can them. They are not truths that I am holding back though. They are literally truths that come to me as I remember them, like as I'm in the shower or making dinner. As soon as I remember them I stop what I'm doing and tell my husband. I think this is to be expected since it has been so many years. I have been brutally honest with him. Today I have not had any memories resurface. I hope that means they're done. If not, I will tell. I have written things down in detail as I remembered then. Tried to get a timeline. I have done this in great detail leaving out nothing. I am leaving nothing hidden and leaving no Stone unturned in my memories

TillyJane posted 5/15/2018 22:58 PM

H just got home from being out of town. I was so anxious for his arrival. Would we hug? Would he walk past me, would he say hello? He walked in and I wanted to run to his arms and wrap myself up in him. I refrained. It was hard, I know much harder for him. He did however come over and hug me really tight. It felt wonderful. I had to fight back tears. I don't want to be emotional in front of him so much. I'm not sure that is helpful to him.

sassylee posted 5/15/2018 23:29 PM

Ask him.

No one likes manipulative tears...but tears borne from honest and authentic emotions? I wouldnít want my husband to hide his feelings. Thereís been enough hiding already. Just be sure of your motivations for the tears.

Tell your H that you were so happy and relieved that he held you tight that you wanted to cry. How would he have felt if you had let go and shown him that joy and relief? This is the time for authentic and radical honesty. Ask questions - youíll be spending significant time rediscovering each other as R progresses. Donít assume anything. Ask.

Pragmatic posted 5/16/2018 05:32 AM

Hi TillyJane,

sorry will explain, trickle truths is when a WS tells about A's or details over a long period of time, months or even years, which throws the BS back in the deception time and time again. This kills a marriage.

What you are doing is right, get it all out there now.

TimelessLoss posted 5/16/2018 08:17 AM

Truckle Truths become Lingering Lies (lies by omission) unless you tell everything. You are reconstructing the history of your adultery. Has your husband told you if wants each disclosure as you uncover it? Do it in the way he wants, in the way the way the two of you have agreed upon.

TillyJane posted 5/16/2018 09:24 AM

So I did talk to him and told him how I wanted to run to him when he got home, but I froze, because I didn't want to push him. He expressed that he wished I would have, and even thought about that exact scenario on his way home. I did tell him how much it meant for him to hug me and he didn't just hug, he held me! He also said that if I cry, it's ok.
Anyways still waiting to hear from the counseling place. Hopefully soon.

LivingWithPain posted 5/16/2018 12:26 PM

TJ, I'm a BH.

Question: (and I am not asking to embarrass you, but I have not read your BH's thread and just would like some more info on your affair.)

Is your husband your son's bio-father? Has a DNA test been done to prove paternity?

Does anyone else in your family or circle of friends know of the affair?

Was the OM married? If he was, does his widow know of the affair?

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:27 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

TillyJane posted 5/16/2018 13:10 PM

LivingWithPain,

TJ, I'm a BH.
Question:

Is your husband your son's bio-father? Has a DNA test been done to prove paternity?

Does anyone else in your family or circle of friends know of the affair?

Was the OM married? If he was, does his widow know of the affair?

My husband is not my son's bio father. We adopted him at age 3.
We do have 2 bio children together, and they are both his beyond a shadow of a doubt!
Most people we are close to and family know about the 1 affair, not the rest of the sick horrible things I did that I lied about for the past 16 years.
I do plan on telling his parents this weekend, and I have a few of my close friends that I will talk to as well.

The OM was not married.

LivingWithPain posted 5/16/2018 14:01 PM

Thank you for your clarifications.

Do you plan on letting your children know of the affair?

As for your adopted son and his middle name; it is one thing being adopted and growing up with that reality, but it is quite another to find out your middle name came from the man your adoptive mom was having an affair with. Talk about an awkward conversation.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 2:03 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

TillyJane posted 5/16/2018 14:14 PM

LivingWithPain,

Really?? As if I didn't know it would be an akward conversation. No we both agreed to not tell the kids about the affairs. We feel like we don't need to have our children deal with adult problems. We have already discussed with him that he gets to change his middle name and he gets to pick whatever he wants. His first response was Skywalker!! He has thought about it though and would like to have his grandfather's name. I think he made a very good choice. His grandfather is an amazing man!! I did have a conversation with the kids. A conversation that my H and I discussed before hand. I told them that Daddy found out that his friend was not the friend he thought he was. That Daddy was hurt and we needed to cover the tattoo that is on his arm. Then our son asked about his middle name and asked if we were changing that too? I told him yes and he was really ok with it. He was excited to pick a name that meant something to him. We are working on getting this done legally ASAP.

LivingWithPain posted 5/16/2018 14:35 PM

I'm sorry if I came across as patronizing. I was actually trying to empathize with your predicament.

Not all of us BSs are out to get you.

TillyJane posted 5/16/2018 14:38 PM

LivingWithPain,

I understood that. Sorry if I can across defensive. I know that you are not all out to get me. Surprisingly a lot have been nice to me. I don't deserve it, but it is appreciated.

sassylee posted 5/16/2018 16:08 PM

Tilly,

Youíll find that many BSís can empathize and have compassion for a WS that is remorseful and willing to work on their issues. The experience of both WSís and BSís is a valuable resource and makes this site special.

Keep reading and posting...Recovery is rarely linear and there will be missteps and struggles along the way - but the results are worth it!

Butforthegrace posted 5/16/2018 18:04 PM

I think Trickle Truth is used to describe a WS who knows information but doesn't disclose it, choosing instead just to disclose tidbits, typically only when pressed by the BS. What you are experiencing is the normal function of a memory trying to recall things from long ago. 16 years ago brings us back to 2002 if my math is working. I guarantee I can recal nothing specific that I did in 2001, 2002, or 2003. I can recall generally what I likely did based on where I was working then, the age of my kids, etc., but no specifics.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:31 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

oldtruck posted 5/16/2018 21:56 PM

Just to say trickle truth is not what your doing.
People rarely remember everything when telling a
story. So as bits get remembered and you share them
that is you not holding back.

TillyJane posted 5/17/2018 01:19 AM

Thank you for saying that

MariaS posted 5/17/2018 02:13 AM

Tilly,

Is your BH on agreement with his parents knowing about the A? Just wondering, because as a BW I would rather my parents didn't know if I was reconciling. I'd fear they wouldn't look at him or treat him the same way again, along with lose respect for him.

Plus if I'm honest I'd be worried what theyd think about me too.

MariaS posted 5/17/2018 02:13 AM

Double post

[This message edited by MariaS at 2:14 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

TillyJane posted 5/17/2018 08:25 AM

MariaS

Is your BH on agreement with his parents knowing about the A? Just wondering, because as a BW I would rather my parents didn't know if I was reconciling. I'd fear they wouldn't look at him or treat him the same way again, along with lose respect for him.

Plus if I'm honest I'd be worried what theyd think about me too.

He is in agreement if that is what I want to do. He says it is not necessary for him that I tell them. I just feel like I should because I needed to own my mistakes and well I've hurt their son deeply!! I will do whatever my husband wants. I am sure it would be humiliating for him for them to know, and I totally understand that. I guess I'm not totally sure what the right thing to do is. Except for respect my husband, be honest and be diligent in healing my marriage.
I think his parents would absolutely be hurt by this, but I also know they would still love me. They are seriously the most forgiving people! I don't think they would think he was a fool for staying with me, and if they're mad at me or disgusted with me, which they should be... I can handle it. It's a natural consequence for my horrible actions!!

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