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Help! I fear I’m relapsing!!!!

Doglover84 posted 5/19/2018 15:37 PM

I broke NC through Facebook with AP. I miss him sooooo much. And I hate it, I feel awful for feeling this way and tell my husband and about it. He tries to be patient and help me through it, which I also hate because I should be the one helping him! I love my husband and know I want to be with him. Me and the AP had a deeply emotional affair and the NC almost seemed to make me want him more 😭 what’s wrong with me? My husband is an amazing man and we are perfect for each other. The AP has so many issues, but I love him as well. I hate living two people at once. Help me not make this mistake again!!!!!

pinkpggy posted 5/19/2018 15:55 PM

Do you mean you looked at his Facebook or you actually communicating back and forth via Facebook?

Doglover84 posted 5/19/2018 16:12 PM

Spoke to him :-(

Zugzwang posted 5/19/2018 17:18 PM

You want two people at once. There is nothing loving about it.

floridaredman posted 5/19/2018 18:46 PM

I think you really ought to consider what love truly means

EvolvingSoul posted 5/19/2018 18:50 PM

Hi there Doglover84,

Me and the AP had a deeply emotional affair and the NC almost seemed to make me want him more 😭 what’s wrong with me? My husband is an amazing man and we are perfect for each other. The AP has so many issues, but I love him as well. I hate living two people at once.
You're lying to yourself. You've told two lies here.

1) AP is an enemy of your marriage and of your BS. The connection you have with him isn't one based on love. It's a source of feelings for you and it's a fucking drug. Until you start treating it like that, it's going to be hard to get better. Right now, heaping additional hurt and harm onto your BS is an acceptable price for getting yourself another fix of the drug. That's what the broken NC was. A fix. Nothing more, nothing less.

2) As you currently are, you're not perfect for your BS. You are an addict, someone who is willing to hurt and harm him so that you can get your fix.

It's time to face that you have a lying junkie mind. It's so familiar to me because I too had a lying junkie mind. I was willing to hurt and harm my BS for years and years to keep my supply going. I told myself I loved two men, I believed it. But it was a lie. Yeah I was connected to two men. At bottom, I treated them primarily as sources of feelings for me. I didn't love AP. I didn't love BS. I didn't even love myself. And that's why I needed the drug. To make me feel okay, for a little while, about being me.

You can fix this, but it's going to take time and a shit load of work and willingness to question your basic beliefs about yourself, your BS and the AP.

Start asking questions if you want to know more.

Root posted 5/19/2018 20:27 PM

If you read what you just wrote as if a junkie wrote it you’d see what I see. When you finally see it you’re going to feel very stupid. Kinda like waking up after a night of binge drinking and finding out what you’ve done. I know you want some quick, painless way to fix this and well there isn’t one.

Mrs Panda posted 5/20/2018 19:41 PM

So what did you and OM say to each other?

Did you tell your BH?

You will continue to be in the fog until you gave some real consequences. Maybe you think you BH will put up with this behavior but he is probably still in shock and at some point he won’t accept your pining for AP.

Stop romanticizing the “deep emotional connection.” It’s easy to have these feelings but they are lies and based in deception. You will see it time if you can manage to stay NC for a few years.

Needtomoveon1 posted 5/21/2018 05:12 AM

I didn't love AP. I didn't love BS. I didn't even love myself. And that's why I needed the drug. To make me feel okay, for a little while, about being me.

I like this from Evolvingsoul... I think that when you are behaving like you are behaving (this was me not that long ago), you don't really love either of them. Love means you put someone else's needs above - or at least equal to - your own. Hurting both of them isn't love. You're self-serving and being self-serving appears nowhere in a definition of love. Would you knowingly take actions that hurt your child for example? A different kind of love, granted, but that is what love is. Wanting the best for that person, even if the best for them isn't necessarily the best for you.

That said, I understand your pain. I've been quite vocal on here about also missing AP, and I definitely still think about her and at times would like to speak to her... to see how she is... to get my "fix" that I'm still part of her life and important to her. It's definitely like a drug, and the thoughts are obsessive in nature. I can see how your will power can crack. But don't confuse it with love.

In a way it doesn't really matter whether it's love or not though. Your feelings "feel" real at the moment, so 1000 people could tell you you're being an idiot and it still won't change your feelings in the short term. I still haven't fully come out the other side of all this yet, but things are getting better gradually. Seeing as us waywards are inherently selfish in nature, being told to love your BS clearly isn't enough of a driver for you to change your actions. So, my advice is to think about what is best for YOUR life and your wellbeing, not in the short-term, but long-term. YOU on a destructive path, for YOU, and it's going to hurt YOU, nevermind anyone else. Try and start loving yourself a bit because until you do that you won't be able to love anyone else.

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