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I'm a miserable person

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Root posted 5/22/2018 11:47 AM

In a moment of clarity I asked BH if I'm always this miserable and he said yes. He says I'm OCD (descriptive only - no dx). The cycle goes I worry which causes me anxiety then I start with the behaviors (they seem normal to me) which offer a short term relief. Anxiety comes back. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For example I worry about money. I then spend HOURS pouring over budgets and bills until I calm down. It never lasts and soon I'm back spending hours on my spreadsheets.

I worry about my kids going to college. I then spend HOURS researching scholarships, financial aid, and loans. The list goes on and on. There is no shortage of things for me to fret over.

I honestly can't imagine what it looks like to NOT be like this. What do normal people do? Doesn't everyone plan? I thought I was going a good thing but I see now its making me and my family miserable. I don't know how to live any other way. Seriously.

prissy4lyfe posted 5/22/2018 11:53 AM

It does sound like you have anxiety disorder. Have you been evaluated for it?

What do you do for yourself? what is your self care routine?

Root posted 5/22/2018 13:24 PM

It does sound like you have anxiety disorder. Have you been evaluated for it?
What do you do for yourself? what is your self care routine?

I just recently was dx with anxiety and was prescribed a low dose ativan. They are addictive so I use them sparingly. Dr says if I limit myself to 4 a week I'll be fine and that's how many she gives me. I however cut them in half and only use them 2-3 times a week. BH wishes I'd take them more. I'm obsessive about this too. I write down every time I take a pill and WHY I took it like I must justify it somehow.

What do I do for myself? I mostly overeat and sleep a lot if I'm not obsessing over something so nothing.

harrybrown posted 5/22/2018 13:51 PM

It is good that you like to plan.

I do the same thing. I am a CPA.

however, you can plan, and never enjoy life.

I am getting older now, but you can't always plan for the future. Because you could die with your plan and never enjoy life. I agree that I made plans to get out of debt. wonderful.

but you also need to enjoy life and take vacations.

hope you can find some balance with counseling.

Good for you about planning a good future for your kids.

GoldenR posted 5/22/2018 13:53 PM

Sounds like OCD. Your H must have the patience of Job.

Take the whole pill. Don't write down why.

Get a hobby.

You keep this up and your hair will start falling out.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:53 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

messedup82 posted 5/22/2018 14:01 PM

oops wrong thread

[This message edited by messedup82 at 11:29 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 5/22/2018 14:12 PM

mu82....you in the right thread?

HoplesslyBlind posted 5/22/2018 14:49 PM

Hi, Root. I know about the constant thoughts of money. I think you may remember - I'm a CPA, too. My oldest is in his final year of college, is graduating with a masters, and has a job offer from Deloitte.

When he started school, I was a mess. Not so much on the outside, but internally the hamsters were working overtime.

Before he started, I didn't think there was any way I could afford his schooling. My spreadsheets looked pretty awful. I had a talk with my son before he left for his first semester. He told me, "Don't worry, Dad, we will figure this out as we go."

And we did.

I know this is A LOT easier said than done. I had to keep telling myself, "It is what it is." Hell, I've really been telling myself that after Dday, come to think of it.

Worrying/obsessing won't add a day to your life. I understand the compulsion to have all your ducks in a row. I fight that battle. I think it may even be harder for you in your position since you control the finances in your family.

I hope you can grab on to my mantra - IT IS WHAT IT IS. Just like reconciliation, you can only work on yourself. In your finances, family, etc. - work on what you can control and let yourself "let go" of everything that is out of your control. Again, I know this is so much easier said than done.

I'm praying for you Root. Wishing you, your H and your family peace.

HB

josiep posted 5/22/2018 15:06 PM

About your ativan: Are you worried that your doctor told you to take too many per week? Or maybe you don't think your doctor knows what he's doing? If he'd told you to take 10 per week, how many would you take? Does taking them that intermittently even help? If you're not taking them all, are you building up a stash?

I'm not really asking those questions, just pointing out that you definitely have an issue. Might be OCD or it could be anxiety or maybe even ADD or PTSD. Any number of things. The only way to find out what it is is to go to a psychiatrist who can do the tests and then prescribe the proper medications. You cannot fix this yourself.

And gently, you can't control all of the things you're trying to control. At some point you have to put your trust into the hands of the people who are qualified to help you.

strugglebus posted 5/22/2018 15:20 PM

Ativan is my parachute drug, it's not meant for regular use. It sounds like you need a daily Rx. Has your doc looked into lexapro or Wellbutrin?

Root posted 5/22/2018 16:38 PM

It is good that you like to plan.
I do the same thing. I am a CPA.

you could die with your plan and never enjoy life. I agree that I made plans to get out of debt. wonderful.

CPA here. D-day was 4.5 years ago and I made a lot of bad financial decisions during R. I tried to buy BH's forgiveness with expensive toys. I regret some of those purchases now. BH has offered to sell them but I'm trying to avoid that. I've already taken too much from him as it is.

[This message edited by Root at 5:00 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Root posted 5/22/2018 16:59 PM

Sounds like OCD. Your H must have the patience of Job.
Take the whole pill. Don't write down why.

Get a hobby.

You keep this up and your hair will start falling out.

You're right my BH has the patience of Job. He's that really great guy that everyone likes. So kind and calm. I feel like shit for not appreciating him before. Part of me thinks I deserve to be miserable but the flaw in my logic is I'm hurting him (and our kids) too.

My hair is falling out and a hobby would help.

Root posted 5/22/2018 17:23 PM

Hi, Root. I know about the constant thoughts of money. I think you may remember - I'm a CPA, too. My oldest is in his final year of college, is graduating with a masters, and has a job offer from Deloitte.

Congrats to your son!!! I worked for Deloitte back in the day and it opened A LOT of doors later. My oldest son is 17, brilliant and OMG I worry about him CONSTANTLY. He's asperger's and I worry no one will hire him because of it.

Before he started, I didn't think there was any way I could afford his schooling. My spreadsheets looked pretty awful.

I have so many spreadsheets. College for my oldest is okay because he's going to start out at a community college (it's what I did) plus he has scholarships. Now my girls? Have NO idea how I'm going to pay for them.

orrying/obsessing won't add a day to your life. I understand the compulsion to have all your ducks in a row. I fight that battle. I think it may even be harder for you in your position since you control the finances in your family.

There is a lot riding on me solving this and too many unknowns for me to have a conclusive answer. That drives me insane so then I have to do 5 spreadsheets for 5 possible outcomes.

Root posted 5/22/2018 17:42 PM

I'm not really asking those questions, just pointing out that you definitely have an issue. Might be OCD or it could be anxiety or maybe even ADD or PTSD. Any number of things. The only way to find out what it is is to go to a psychiatrist who can do the tests and then prescribe the proper medications. You cannot fix this yourself.

Been seeing one for a year and she's the best doctor I've ever had. She tells me all the time she has lots of drugs I could try. I want at least a chance to learn how to cope with life before taking any more meds. BH is at every doctors appointment and I trust him and he trusts her. BH is the one who said I need the Ativan more than I take it. The doctor agreed.

Root posted 5/22/2018 17:45 PM

Ativan is my parachute drug, it's not meant for regular use. It sounds like you need a daily Rx. Has your doc looked into lexapro or Wellbutrin?

I'm Bipolar so she says AD's aren't good for me. If I end up on an AD it will be something old school like Elavil at a low dose. It's an option.

Root posted 5/22/2018 18:51 PM

I want to learn how to calm myself down without Ativan. I can do it now more than before. This has to be possible. I think I can l learn to change my attitude I just need to know what that looks like. Make sense?

Zugzwang posted 5/23/2018 07:57 AM

My wife has anxiety disorder. During the peak of our R I pressured her to take a med. I have admitted here to using the children to guilt her into it, though for the most part I was trying to get her to calm down so that R was easier for me. Regardless of the majority of my intentions, it helped and she and our children needed it. My wife's mother also had horrible anxiety. Wouldn't leave the house towards the end of her living years. I appealed to how my wife felt as a child living in that house and my wife went on the drugs. She didn't want our children to suffer like she did as child in the home of someone that had extreme anxiety and didn't know or care to control it. My wife's mother never took drugs for her anxiety or bipolar and it was hell. My wife only took them for about half a year or a year. Escitalopram 5mg. It took the edge off. Her doctor put it this way. It takes the edge off so she can focus on healing and learning better ways to manage the anxiety. Which she was capable of doing for her entire life without meds till this sent her over the edge. She hasn't taken them for years now. It did its job when the family and her needed it most.

Root posted 5/23/2018 08:13 AM

Wouldn't leave the house towards the end of her living years.

I'm heading in this direction. My father didn't leave the house for many years. Uncles, aunts, cousins, it runs in my family. I once judged them for this and now I understand.

My wife only took them for about half a year or a year. Escitalopram 5mg. It took the edge off. Her doctor put it this way. It takes the edge off so she can focus on healing and learning better ways to manage the anxiety. Which she was capable of doing for her entire life without meds till this sent her over the edge. She hasn't taken them for years now. It did its job when the family and her needed it most.

This is what my dr said too. I know I'm the cheater and I deserved all this. I did this to myself. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's never been this bad. Going through R was a hell I've never known before and I've been through a lot. It is the 2nd most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. #1 was an injury that partially disabled me. #3 was FOO trauma.

hikingout posted 5/23/2018 08:16 AM

I don't have any experience with this, other than my sister struggles with a lot of these issues plus agoraphobia. They have tried so many things with her medicine over the years, it's been such a struggle. From testing her blood to find the right formula to weening her off one and back on to another. And, she got to where she was taking Xanax like tick tacks.

So, I don't have any words of wisdom or advice. The fact you can be self-aware about it, and are open to trying to do mental exercises are both commendable. I will pray for you.

Lazarus posted 5/23/2018 08:22 AM

I think you should continue to seek treatment for this as it sounds like it is negatively impacting you and your family. It is tough to know where the line is between legitimate concern/planning and obsessive actions/thoughts, but if your H is concerned with it and you also feel it is controlling you, then likely it is an issue that should be dealt with.

One thing that is always good is to try and replace a destructive habit with a productive one. Perhaps when you feel anxiety coming on you could go to the gym ASAP (or just go for a walk/jog). It will most likely alleviate the anxiety and, of course, have the additional health benefits of exercise.

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