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Having second thoughts?

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squid posted 6/20/2018 19:47 PM

Dude,

No more Pick Me Dance. She picked. It wasn't you. Close the chapter. Move on. We all know the feeling. Shit Sandwich Deluxe.

Strength, bro.

Marz posted 6/20/2018 20:16 PM

At least she isn't stringing you along.

Stop living on hopium.

Sorry man but you've got nothing to work with here.

fareast posted 6/20/2018 20:39 PM

Yes, a thousand times yes, you did the best thing for yourself and your children by mailing that contract. Well done.

Gently, your WW is a walking midlife cheater cliche. Ive only read most of your posts and we have never met but how does this sound:
I feel so trapped in our M, I could never go back. I felt so alive with the OM. I need to get out and feel free and find the real me. I am suffocating in this M.

All of this is about ...I..I..I...me...me...me. This is who she has always been: selfish, entitled, and spoiled. She could care less about you or your children or the pain and devastation she is causing because it is all about her. She is terribly broken. Sorry to give you this harsh assessment but it is quite common in the midlife-its-time-to-cheat crowd. She is not special.

You are a hardworking, loving, loyal and dedicated father and husband. You deserve so much better. There are so many wonderful caring and committed women out there as potential partners. This woman does not care about you, much less love you, so please do not waste a lot of further emotional energy on her. I know it is incredibly difficult to do after all the years together, but she has left you in the dust so please get up and dust yourself off and move on with your life. Strength to you.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:41 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

cancuncrushed posted 6/22/2018 22:00 PM

Im feeling this right now. Ive have finally spoken with an attorney. H has presented his self written proposal for D. He moved out. Im sure theres oW. There is zero contact. He continues to sign leases and purchase furniture.

I have an impulse to stop this. Ive been married 34 years. My life was changed without my say so. I didnt want cheating and D. It an ugly mean D. H is being very cruel and vindictive.

I dont want this mentally ill person back. I want my future back my dreams back. My everyday life back. I mostly want this pain to stop. I wonder at times which pain was worse. It would seem easier to just go back. And everyone in my world is screaming that Im crazy. Yes I am. I cant take this anymore . There are no solutions. Just more long term pain. Its hard enough to be forced into these decisions. Why does it take years to only be someone you didnt want to be

Sorry for the rant. My family is hard on me to move forward and quickly. I feel I still have no choices. He is a jerk. I get that. I need something positive. If this is the right decision why doesnt it feel better? Im no way calling it off. I wish there was some relief somewhere.

The truth is they are still not helping us. Given the opportunity they still choose to cause pain. It wouldnt take much to offer some sort of emotional support. But they cant. And this is what we are leaving. They are not there for us or our best interest.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:08 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]

NoMercy posted 6/23/2018 08:19 AM

Ahhh, such romance.

The cheater who claims her affair was an EA instead of the physcial affair it actually WAS (and likely still is) doesn't want a divorce.

Due to financial reasons.

I say, file that paperwork TODAY.

Ripped62 posted 6/23/2018 16:38 PM

Please tell me placing that contract in the mail was the right thing to do!

You did the correct thing if you placed it in the mail. Once she signs will you be divorced?

Jorge posted 6/23/2018 16:47 PM

It's the first day of the rest of your life and the last day you accept the unacceptable Rejoice!

CaliforniaNative posted 6/24/2018 14:32 PM

Through this journey you will learn that you control your happiness. Not a relationship, not your WW...You do. You have been through trauma, you need time away to heal yourself. It will take time, but you will be a better you.

My STBXWH apologized, begged, cried... but at the end of the day I saw he is not the man I married. That kind soul is lost and I need space to recover. He still lies to me all the time and I am no longer upset by it. I take everything he says with a grain of salt and block him from cell phones. Sad but after 17 years I need to be strong and just get through this.

Best wishes and may peace be with you.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 2:32 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

HappyCamperDude posted 6/24/2018 21:06 PM

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words.

After we met for dinner that night I sent her a text that said Id rather be spend thousands bringing us together than splitting us apart. If you dont want to be married then what is the alternative? She replied Ill say this. You do what you gotta do and Ill do the same.

I asked her what is that supposed to mean?

She said It means Im not going to answer those other questions via text regardless I will have a conversation with you in person if you want to talk more about what if.

So, since I was taking the kids to Maine and she was headed to DC for the weekend, I didnt mail the envelope. I wanted to sleep on it. I still have to do my financial statement anyway.

Do I chase the unicorn? I feel like this is manipulation.

She sent a few texts over the weekend. Kids also told me that she is openly jealous that we do things together and she is left out. What does that mean? Anything? Am I taking too much hopium? (I laughed when I read that btw).

Share your thoughts.

Marz posted 6/24/2018 23:14 PM

After we met for dinner that night I sent her a text that said Id rather be spend thousands bringing us together than splitting us apart. If you dont want to be married then what is the alternative? She replied Ill say this. You do what you gotta do and Ill do the same.

I asked her what is that supposed to mean?

She said It means Im not going to answer those other questions via text regardless I will have a conversation with you in person if you want to talk more about what if.

Yep, you're living on hopium

Marz posted 6/24/2018 23:17 PM

She cheats gives you nothing to work with and you're looking for hope and hanging on her every word.

If she was the least bit remoursefull or even had regrets you'd know it.

In the meantime you're looking under every rock for a speck of something that isn't there.

She knows it too and will end up playing you like a fiddle.

Marz posted 6/24/2018 23:20 PM

She sent a few texts over the weekend. Kids also told me that she is openly jealous that we do things together and she is left out. What does that mean? Anything? Am I taking too much hopium? (I laughed when I read that btw).

She just misses the cake you fed her. Nothing more.

You really should wake up to reality

Marz posted 6/24/2018 23:22 PM

The only one keeping you where you are now is you.

Cattlefarmer posted 6/25/2018 06:37 AM

Good God brother.
You already know the answer.

Your house is burning down. And while you're trying to put it out, the one with the matches is happily throwing petrol on it.

Take a step back, have a look at the big picture and size-up the situation objectively.

From what you have told us, I think you would be foolish to go back into this fire.

Only by keeping yourself safe can you hope to protect your children.

breatheme posted 6/25/2018 15:18 PM

Happy Camper Dude,

I'm sorry you're here. It sucks, I know it.

I've had second thoughts, too, but I have to remember this advice:

Always move forward.
You for you.
Take care of yourself and take care of your kids.

As your WS says, she's going to do what she needs to do. You can't control her, you can't bring her back, but you are in charge of yourself and your actions. You can choose to divorce her and more forward with your life.

Two things could happen: A. you will get divorced and move on with your life and be happy or B. she might (possibly, maybe, doubtfully, suddenly) realize you mean business and come back to the table to discuss. Moving forward you will learn the truth and you will move forward.

It sucks. Pick a path. Stick to your guns. Don't sell out. Don't settle for anything less. You for you. Always forward. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Breatheme

Ozbetrayed posted 6/25/2018 19:58 PM

HappyCamper,

I feel your pain brother, I had 2nd thoughts hundreds of times.
I went from being certain I wanted to split, to being certain I wanted to stay, over and over and over again.

It was tormenting. Nobody looking in can understand the chopping and changing unless you've lived it yourself. My friends and family thought I was mad.

Ultimately, the choice was made for me when I confirmed that the affair was still continuing. It was at that point that I realised that no matter how I felt, or what I did, the marriage took 2 people to work at it.
I was the one doing the work, doing the chasing, doing the pick me dance, and she was eating her cake.
She didn't want to leave the marriage either, but simply wasn't prepared to put in the hard work.

Technically, I made the decision to divorce, but I feel like I had been dealt a 5/2 off in Texas holdem and the flop was 3 Aces.
I knew I could never win, I knew that my hand was gone and that I had to fold my hand rather than keep throwing money into the pot, hoping that I could somehow bluff my way to win.

Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and accept reality. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but once you do and you know that there's no turning back, you do start to feel better.

There will definitely be times where you question your decisions, but eventually when you meet someone who respects you and isn't selfish, you'll know you walked away from the table with money in your pocket.

Cheaters are selfish, narcissistic and don't consider the feelings of those they betray. Once you're free of that, you start to realise all the horrible things they did whilst you were together. You realise they NEVER put your feelings first, and you realise that you never put your feelings first either.

It's a long hard road. There are plenty of moments of sadness, anger, hatred etc etc.

Be the best you that you can be. Put yourself first and one day come to the realisation that all the pain and heartbreak is worth it. That you can live the rest of your life knowing that you didn't allow yourself to be a doormat and that you deserve better.

Minnesota posted 6/25/2018 22:08 PM

Im not a jump on the D train guy. You have to do whats best for you.

But one thing a friend told me was to recognize that she was throwing crumbs and for me not to try to bake a cake out of it.

Keep your eyes open. Work on you. Be the best Dad you can. Try to visualize not needing her. Not needing her makes you stronger whether she wakes up or not.

No cakes.

PeriodicZen posted 6/26/2018 05:52 AM

Happy Camper Dude,

She is not willing to send you things through text because that is evidence that might harm her case.

She has clearly seen a lawyer, that advised her to stop making any declarations via email or text. I bet she talks, but you either live in a two party state or she's being vague and dismissive about your conversations.

Go talk to a lawyer, get your evidence, and file. When two people love each other they jump through any hoop to be together, they profess their love, they get horribly sad at the thought of being separated.

But when one says, in vague terms, "you do whatever you have to do, I'll do the same", is like listening to Don Corleone, making assertions about how they won't care what happens to you.

That's what I get from what you have written.


What does your lawyer say? What does your therapist?

Tigersrule77 posted 6/26/2018 08:04 AM

I can see that you are struggling with the decision, which is understandable. However, you are denying reality, which is that your WW doesn't want to be married, but is in no rush to make the decision. She wants to keep you hanging on, as a backup, to help pay bills, for many selfish reasons. She is just waiting for her best time.

What do you gain by not filing and pushing the D forward? You seem to understand that your M is over, but you are wishing for a miracle. Again, I understand, because i've been there. But it does you no good. It's not going to happen. And you deserve better than someone who would treat you this way. She no longer loves you and she disrespects you. It is time for you to move on.

breatheme posted 6/27/2018 13:40 PM

A friend of mine gave me this advice:

The cavalry isn't coming.

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