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Unexpected discovery

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SorrowfulMoon posted 7/26/2018 19:44 PM

I think talking to her regularly rather than purely going into investigative mode was a good thing and achieved a lot.

However, I think you have rug swept this.

She agreed that from my perspective that much of her behavior was inappropriate

It was just plain inappropriate and nothing to do with your perspective. You may just want to let this drop but that is a decision that may come back to bite you because she is still in wayward thinking.

atreides posted 7/27/2018 07:16 AM

confused, well done... below you wrote

"As closure, my wife has defriended her college pal and cut off all contact. She called him to explain her reasons. I was there and spoke with him as well and explained to a nervous, defensive man what his actions suggested. He denied and claimed that they are just friends. I told him I don't believe him but if he wanted to talk face-to-face, I would be willing to drive 12 hours and talk him in person. He didn't want that and agreed to no contact."

Key point "cut off all contact."

Well done, now follow through & verify as well you said with MC and occasionally keep your ear to the ground.

Wish you the best.

tushnurse posted 7/27/2018 08:33 AM

You handled this like a champ.
Bravo!!!

Now what is she going to do to prevent further episodes of similar things from ever happening again?

She needs a gameplan, you need to agree to it, and really define some good strong agreeaable boundaries.

(((And Healing))) to you both.

swmnbc posted 7/27/2018 09:42 AM

I'm glad you are feeling better after your conversation and her unfriending him.

I suggest that moving forward you read the book Not Just Friends and discuss your boundaries. How would she feel if you were communicating with a woman you never mentioned, a woman who told you that she loved you? I have a feeling she wouldn't be so understanding and wouldn't think there would be any good reason for you to keep this a secret.

HouseOfPlane posted 7/27/2018 10:17 AM

This was a subtle but important point. My emphasis:

She agreed that from my perspective that much of her behavior was inappropriate
As SorrowfulMoon notes, wrong is wrong. This isn't about your perspective, this is about her internal compass of morality. Make sure she understands that.

Even if you approved of her having secret conversations with old acquaintances from high school, it'd be wrong .

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:17 AM, July 27th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/27/2018 13:38 PM

I wish the best for you confused. Take care of yourself.

HardenMyHeart posted 7/27/2018 14:33 PM

All things considered, I think you did very well Confused1976. Sending best wishes to the both of you!

wordsofwisdom posted 7/29/2018 00:38 AM

Confused, I understand your urge for closure, and I feel that asking her to pass a polygraph test would help you a great deal. If she has nothing to hide, she will willingly take and pass it. If there is more to the story, it is likely you'll learn more. I just can't imagine you can find something like this and get over it in a healthy way without suppressing your truly valid gut feelings.

Wool94 posted 7/29/2018 02:03 AM

You did very well.

Ripped62 posted 7/29/2018 02:43 AM

You and your wife did very well in my opinion. I wish she would have owned her choices 100%. However, I think it is good as it gets when you're dealing with Wayward Behavior. Please stay with us. I think you're prompt action is a lesson that others should reference when discerning actions they should take. My only suggestion is that you and her read Not Just Friends. Then you should agree on bou. ndaries for dealing with old friends of the opposite sex. Best wishes and good luck.


I hope to never hear from you regarding an EA or PA in the future. Healing is what this site is designed for. I hope your marriage lasts until one of you passes away. I am sorry for the morbid thought, but that is my dream for all marriages.

Butforthegrace posted 7/29/2018 06:30 AM

Confused, it is possible that what you found was the kernel of the type of A we see so often here, one that is currently being discussed in the "General" forum under a thread about men and women being friends. He was interested and circling, but in that manner of plausible deniability that men use. She recalled her friendly fondness for him from earlier times and was perhaps at a place in life where she was somewhat wistful about what might have been. In her mind, he was just an old friend and they were catching up, but he was circling and hovering like a mosquito, and she had a crack in her armor that he was likely to find at some point.

confused1976 posted 7/29/2018 20:10 PM

Butforthegrace, I think you are absolutely right. I read the thread in General on men/women friendships and I think this guy, relatively recently divorced, hitting a mid-life crisis, and wanting to live up good old times was attempting to use my wife's general good nature and own issues to start something that maybe he thought always should have been, even if it was over twenty years ago. She gave me no indication that she has gone further than a texting and causal chatting- he even though he confessed his love for her; I only know a few compelete conversations and I have only her word. I might have caught this whole event early, but I am still obsessing and wondering. She is at this confernce, which is a long and brutal day of medical talks which she is basically bound to go as an organizer, but what if they planned in sometime months ago? Now I want to trust what we talked about, but reading other's stories, people lie and do what they want. I want to think the best, but it seems you always need to be prepared for the worst and vigilant. I really can't wait she is back home and we can begin more of a formal process of connecting and healing. Once again thanks for everyone's advise, i have learned a great deal for reading the stories and perspectives and if don't think I would have been able to find any level ground on my own.

confused1976 posted 7/29/2018 20:10 PM

Butforthegrace, I think you are absolutely right. I read the thread in General on men/women friendships and I think this guy, relatively recently divorced, hitting a mid-life crisis, and wanting to live up good old times was attempting to use my wife's general good nature and own issues to start something that maybe he thought always should have been, even if it was over twenty years ago. She gave me no indication that she has gone further than a texting and causal chatting- he even though he confessed his love for her; I only know a few compelete conversations and I have only her word. I might have caught this whole event early, but I am still obsessing and wondering. She is at this confernce, which is a long and brutal day of medical talks which she is basically bound to go as an organizer, but what if they planned in sometime months ago? Now I want to trust what we talked about, but reading other's stories, people lie and do what they want. I want to think the best, but it seems you always need to be prepared for the worst and vigilant. I really can't wait she is back home and we can begin more of a formal process of connecting and healing. Once again thanks for everyone's advise, i have learned a great deal for reading the stories and perspectives and if don't think I would have been able to find any level ground on my own.

TimelessLoss posted 7/29/2018 22:01 PM

I might have caught this whole event early, but I am still obsessing and wondering. She is at this confernce, which is a long and brutal day of medical talks which she is basically bound to go as an organizer, but what if they planned in sometime months ago?
This is what her poor boundaries has caused. Yet she will not accept it if she continues to hold onto the view that it is your perception that deemed her behavior inappropriate.

Stay as strong as you were in confronting her. Don't do the pick me dance in your effort to reconnect.

JS84 posted 7/30/2018 08:46 AM

All you can do at this point is watch your wife like a hawk. You can't be 100% sure your wife had an affair or not. Even if she didn't outright have one, as stated earlier her behavior, as well as keeping all this a secret, is a huge problem. I hope that point is made to her either by you to or in MC and she gets it.

I know there are naive people out there but I really can't believe your wife is THAT naive when a guy is outright telling her he loves her.

Stevesn posted 7/30/2018 09:02 AM

You said you had a way to see if his cell phone also was in the area of the conference. Is that true? Do you see it there?

She invited you to go with her. How much longer does it go for? Can you show up for a couple of days?

Bigheart2018 posted 7/30/2018 09:14 AM

I like the recommendation of just showing up at the conference.

Marz posted 7/30/2018 12:15 PM

Her behavior was inappropriate. Not your perception of it.

confused1976 posted 7/30/2018 15:23 PM

The conference ends tommorrow. I'm so clueless... I thought I had a way of tracking the two phone, but it was just Internet scam...looked good lots of animations, I fell for it.. I agree that she can't be that naive, but who am I to speak...I thought the Internet could track people. I look forward o her being home and have been in fair amount of contact via texting...she setup an old phone of hers to allow me to text her over the email or the Internet, don't know. Still freaked out and still obsessing. I would never keep something like from her. I am also kicking myself for being so technological incompetent- the past few weeks have improved my understanding of social media tech, as well as shading my resolute opinion that this stuff will bring us all down. Didn't know that Facebook( apparently their causal hangout) has secret messages with end to espnd encryption (you need to be watching the device/phone thats on one of the ends to read them. making it worse, these messages can be programed disappear within a few seconds of reading....there could be entire conversations made and lost and one would never know. Facebook messages are not saved anywhere. This sort of knowlledge eats at you, how would one know.? Again, we had a serious talk and she has done all I asked despite some weak language and assurance. I am more vigilant. I don't think he's at the conference. I can't afford the plane fare and the drive is 15+ hours. We are defamatory reading the Not Just Friends...even if I have to read it out loud. The polygraph may come later, but I will just keep watching...if there is something people make mistakes. Thanks for your support. Take care everyone.

confused1976 posted 7/30/2018 15:23 PM

The conference ends tommorrow. I'm so clueless... I thought I had a way of tracking the two phone, but it was just Internet scam...looked good lots of animations, I fell for it.. I agree that she can't be that naive, but who am I to speak...I thought the Internet could track people. I look forward o her being home and have been in fair amount of contact via texting...she setup an old phone of hers to allow me to text her over the email or the Internet, don't know. Still freaked out and still obsessing. I would never keep something like from her. I am also kicking myself for being so technological incompetent- the past few weeks have improved my understanding of social media tech, as well as shading my resolute opinion that this stuff will bring us all down. Didn't know that Facebook( apparently their causal hangout) has secret messages with end to espnd encryption (you need to be watching the device/phone thats on one of the ends to read them. making it worse, these messages can be programed disappear within a few seconds of reading....there could be entire conversations made and lost and one would never know. Facebook messages are not saved anywhere. This sort of knowlledge eats at you, how would one know.? Again, we had a serious talk and she has done all I asked despite some weak language and assurance. I am more vigilant. I don't think he's at the conference. I can't afford the plane fare and the drive is 15+ hours. We are defamatory reading the Not Just Friends...even if I have to read it out loud. The polygraph may come later, but I will just keep watching...if there is something people make mistakes. Thanks for your support. Take care everyone.

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