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Calling myself out

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islesguy posted 8/3/2018 13:09 PM

As I a sure some of you have read on this site not too long ago (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid623087) I have not been accountable for my actions as I have not helped fix the problems I caused nor have I helped heal my BS in any way. I have done nothing but make things harder for her and my family. It is long past due for me to hold myself accountable for my actions of betrayal as lack of actions since. I want to start from the beginning and do things the way I should have long ago including getting back into therapy and hope that using this forum to talk about it is still an option for me as I know I have not lived up to my words here either.

ff4152 posted 8/3/2018 15:23 PM

As with any journey, there is a first step. Let this be a fresh start for you; sending good vibes your way Islesguy

EvolvingSoul posted 8/3/2018 16:35 PM

Hi there islesguy,

I want to start from the beginning and do things the way I should have long ago
Aside from getting back into therapy, what does this mean in a practical sense? What specific things are you going to do?

islesguy posted 8/4/2018 08:06 AM

EvolvingSoul,

Here are some things I was thinking about:

Find a new therapist that meets the criteria I need to make my BS feel safe.
Be more mindful and address her many triggers when they are happening and again afterwards
Reimplement the things that I was doing to try to make her feel safe which included things like GPS, texting whereabouts, schedule, etc.
Review all of the transparency I have in place to make sure she is aware of all
Ramp up communication big time through out the day
Own all of the things I have done to be hurtful to her and demonstrate this though writings and apologies
End all defensiveness, period.
Learn how to be helpful to her and then learn how to be even more helpful again and again
Not attempt to live in a facade but instead own all of it as a family (pretending to be living as normal a life as possible in front of the kids has been very hurtful to my BS as this makes her feel like she is suffering alone and guilty because the kids don't understand why she is often reclusive)
Do and plan nice things just for my BS
Not make the same bad choices that I have made by being mindful and doing what I know is the right thing to do
Remember that no matter how much is going on in my life and the stress of kids, job, etc, it will never compare to the burden I have put on my BS and how fortunate I am to still be here and show her my gratitude for her grace

EvolvingSoul posted 8/4/2018 09:32 AM

Be more mindful and address her many triggers when they are happening and again afterwards
What does this mean in a practical sense? Do you notice now when she is triggered? Does she tell you? If you notice but she hasn't said anything, what are you going to do? If you haven't noticed and she tells you she's triggering, what are you going to do?

2timesunfaithful posted 8/4/2018 16:06 PM

Evolving soul,
I'm not meaning to thread jack, what do you when you mean in a practical sense? Discrete actions, with a step by step process? If I were discussing my actions during the A's vs. during my actions in R, they are incredibly different. One was in a mode of supreme selfishness, the mode in R is one of surrender and support, complete opposites. I surrender my rights to privacy as I am no longer trustworthy and I destroyed her trust along with many other things I destroyed. I'm working hard to regain trust that I destroyed. How am I working hard? If I'm working late, I'll let her know. She knows my whereabouts everyday. If a female co-worker wants to go to lunch, I will call BW and ask permission. Otherwise, I do not go. Are these practical and specific enough?
I ask as I want to continue the R and not become complacent. I would call myself out as well, as I lack empathy, that is a topic of another thread,

islesguy,
This is a timely post, I too had told my BW, whenever she needed to talk, I would talk. Recently, it was late and I could tell by her silence that she needed to talk about the A's, I said I have to go to sleep, can we talk later?
I have to admit I did not bring it up until a week later. After being 3.5 years in R, the healing process really isn't 2 to 5 years, it is the rest of your life. It is nearly impossible to erase all of the BS's pain and memories, it is now part of the fabric of their lives. Tomorrow is a new day, and we can make the lives of our BW's somehow better and less painful, than that is what we must do. Good luck, good vibes and thank you for this post.

islesguy posted 8/4/2018 23:22 PM

EvolvingSoul,

What does this mean in a practical sense? Do you notice now when she is triggered? Does she tell you? If you notice but she hasn't said anything, what are you going to do? If you haven't noticed and she tells you she's triggering, what are you going to do?

So, this actually just occurred a few hours ago. My son has a toy that has a song that mentions a derivative of the name of OW. It was one of his sisters hand me downs and he doesn't play with it very often but did tonight. I remembered that this was something that bothered my BS so I distracted him to something else and shut it off. Then a little while later I asked her if it was something that still bothered her, she said it didn't because she is so used to things that bother her, which I wasn't really sure how to react to. But, this is the kind of thing that I would have just ignored before. This is one small example and please don't get the impression that I am patting myself on the back for anything, I only mentioned this because it was timely to your question.

To your second part, she rarely tells me when she is triggering, only when it is really bad and to be honest I already knew but didn't do anything about it until she brought it up. But, if there is a time when I am unaware, once aware I would try to help her through it by removing the trigger or by leaving the area and then try to comfort her and give her my support until it passes. What that support is would depend on the trigger.

wifehad5 posted 8/5/2018 07:28 AM

she said it didn't because she is so used to things that bother her, which I wasn't really sure how to react to.

What did you do next?

islesguy posted 8/5/2018 07:49 AM

What did you do next?

I accepted her statement and her feelings.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/5/2018 08:13 AM

I think you might have missed an opportunity, islesguy.

What if you told her at that moment that your goal was to help her through the things that bother her, rather than her just getting used to them? What if you quietly got rid of the toy and told her that you wanted to help her through this in any way you could and then asked her for examples of other things that she feels she has to get used to? Let her know you donít want her to get used to things, you want her to heal.

islesguy posted 8/5/2018 23:10 PM

WalkinOnEggshelz

I think you are right, I did miss an opportunity to discuss this further. I appreciate your comments and I will try to recognize those opportunities in the future so I don't miss that kind of chance again.

Root posted 8/6/2018 10:36 AM

Start by telling the truth. Here. We can't help you if you aren't honest.

islesguy posted 8/7/2018 13:05 PM

Root,

I will be 100% honest with everything.

Iwantmyglasses posted 8/7/2018 16:30 PM

Islesguy. You posted this on Friday. How many therapists have you set appointments with to find one to help you? Today is end of business day on Tuesday.

Have you read any of the suggestions I have given you yet?

islesguy posted 8/7/2018 22:51 PM

One of the requirements for my therapist is that they allow me to record the sessions. This has proven to be a very difficult request. I contacted 2 therapists on Saturday and have had a rejection from one yesterday and haven't heard back from the second one which has happened before when I asked this question to new therapists. I contacted another this evening and am awaiting a response on the recording question.

Have you read any of the suggestions I have given you yet?

I have read some of Love Dare but didn't get any of the Dobson books yet. I was thinking that Love Must Be Tough would be the best one to start with.

[This message edited by islesguy at 11:31 PM, August 7th, 2018 (Tuesday)]

Iwantmyglasses posted 8/7/2018 23:40 PM

Did you learn anything from Love Dare? I am not asking for reference to the spiritual side. IMO, this book offers a great deal on simple love and what it is.

Why canít you take notes, why do you need to record? What are hippa regulations concerning recording? I think this requirement is bogus. You have managed a successful career from listening skills and note taking. Why do you need to record therapy?

Dobsonís podcasts are great as well

islesguy posted 8/8/2018 07:33 AM

Iwantmyglasses

Did you learn anything from Love Dare? I am not asking for reference to the spiritual side. IMO, this book offers a great deal on simple love and what it is.

More than anything I learned more about love and what love really is and both the work and expectations that make up love and a relationship. There are so many really important metaphors that really help in this understanding. I am going to go back and read it again as I realized looking it over just now that much of it has been forgotten since first reading it.

Why canít you take notes, why do you need to record? What are hippa regulations concerning recording? I think this requirement is bogus. You have managed a successful career from listening skills and note taking. Why do you need to record therapy?
I really don't wish to debate this again, there are no hippa rules around it. In fact in my state I could just do it without the therapists knowledge but isn't something I want to be sneaking with. With my track record recording the sessions is the only way that my BS would feel safe and that is more important than anything else.

Dobsonís podcasts are great as well
Thanks, I will look for these.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/11/2018 16:41 PM

2timesunfaithful,

I'm not meaning to thread jack, what do you when you mean in a practical sense? Discrete actions, with a step by step process?
Yes. I'm talking about the difference between the abstract sense and the practical sense.

In the first you might say "I'm going to support her when she triggers." That is a great notion but very vague.

In the second, you'd say "When she triggers I will make it a point to ask her if she wants to talk about it. If she says "yes" I will give her my full attention and listen to what she says. I will ask how I can support her. I will ask how the trigger might be removed to prevent it from happening again. I will apologize. If she says "no", I will apologize an assure her that if she changes her mind she will have my full attention. Then I will ask how I can support her right now. If she tells me how, I will take action. If she says "you can't" I will assure her that if she changes her mind to please let me know. I will apologize.

Having a practical plan that is specific will allow the WS not only to do a better job responding to triggers as they happen but we can do a post mortem on the triggers we didn't respond so well to...the ones where we got defensive and closed off. We can think about what we might have done differently. Even if we failed to bring our BS any relief just thinking about how we could have done it differently can help with the brain rewiring process because it requires us to clearly see where we went wrong.

A lot of times I have prefaced my response with "I'm trying really hard to not get defensive and my old strategy would have been for me to shut down and ignore what's happening or to tell you you're wrong to feel the way you do. In the spirit of doing things differently, I'm not going to do either of those. Instead, I'd like to ask if you want to talk about what has triggered you and how I can best support you right now."

That phrase...'in the spirit of doing things differently' has come up a zillion times during the reconciliation process and it is powerful. It acknowledges that you understand what the old thought processes were and why they didn't work and are willing to be vulnerable and try something else.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/11/2018 16:45 PM

Hi again islesguy

Ramp up communication big time through out the day
How has this bit been working out, in the practical sense? What do you mean by "communication"? In what ways are you ramping it up?

2timesunfaithful posted 8/12/2018 11:25 AM

Evolving Soul,
Voicing our notions are good, but without specific actions they are just words. I'm trying to be 'in the spirit of doing things differently' and not use my old reflexive actions such as anger to my BW's questions/needs.
Thank you for your reply.

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