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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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jinkazama posted 9/5/2018 00:25 AM

She feels nothing for you.

Stop thinking what she feela for you.

Look at the big picture

A life without her

A life with new hope.and happiness

sensibletinch posted 9/7/2018 07:31 AM

She feels nothing for you.
Stop thinking what she feela for you.

Look at the big picture

A life without her

A life with new hope.and happiness

And you know this, how?

FamilyMan's wife clearly has issues, but I don't see how making up information helps him at all. Notwhistanding the fact that they have two (soon to be three) children. So "a life without her" is not realistic.

ICaughtThem posted 9/7/2018 12:45 PM

Then the cheating began. I guess since I was successful in my career, maybe I could focus my energy on trying to save this relationship. Then she got pregnant, and I was so excited, so happy.

I fast forward to finding out my youngest daughter wasn't mine, and my wife was wanting to divorce.



Notwhistanding the fact that they have two (soon to be three) children. So "a life without her" is not realistic.

Don't know if you missed that the one on the way is NOT FamilyMan's baby. And there is a non-zero chance that the other two may also not be his, regardless of how long they have lived as a family.

Plus, she also stated that she wants to divorce. Why should FM not start thinking of a life without her? If they divorce and the current two kids aren't biologically his, he has absolutely no say in if he's allowed to see them.

fareast posted 9/7/2018 13:33 PM

Did I miss where OP said that the current pregnancy was not his? Last I saw he had not got the results yet. ICaughtThem seems to have some inside knowledge.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/8/2018 10:25 AM

I don't know where I said or even gave an impression that the unborn baby wasn't mine. I am waiting on the results which should be here early to mid next week. As for the middle child, I have rights to see her as long as I'm her legal father, and the other man doesn't establish rights.

I was hesitant about coming on this board in the first place for advice, but since my wife had been receiving some sound advice where she was posting, I thought to give it a try.

I just think some of the information passed around is not always accurate. I don't know if I should continue posting.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 10:29 AM, September 8th (Saturday)]

NoSelf posted 9/8/2018 20:12 PM

Please continue to post here. As the saying goes “take what you need and leave the rest”. You have gotten support and advice here, and while you might not agree with it all, there are a lot of peoole supporting and rooting for you here. However you’re feeling, that’s a net positive.

beenthereinco posted 9/10/2018 18:19 PM

I don't know where I said or even gave an impression that the unborn baby wasn't mine. I am waiting on the results which should be here early to mid next week. As for the middle child, I have rights to see her as long as I'm her legal father, and the other man doesn't establish rights.
I was hesitant about coming on this board in the first place for advice, but since my wife had been receiving some sound advice where she was posting, I thought to give it a try.

I just think some of the information passed around is not always accurate. I don't know if I should continue posting.

You should keep posting. I don't think that it was malicious about the baby. It was just a mistake. You have a long story. Let's set the record straight. You have two daughters and one on the way. The oldest is yours (You know that for sure, right?) and the middle one is not (You know the father, it is the OM, former boss) and you are not yet sure about the unborn baby. Your WW says it is most certainly your child and you think it probably is as well. Is that all true?

See in your original post you used the word baby which I think you meant for the middle child and not the unborn baby. If you look at it closely you can see how it could be confusing.

I see you over in Reconciliation and that is fine. Wherever you can get help. But I did want to ask you, because I can't honestly tell from your threads, what does your WW want? Does she want to Reconcile? Does she want to commit to being faithful to you? I ask this because before anything else like boundaries you have to have this and I haven't seen you say that. What I have seen you say is that your WW doesn't know what she wants.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/10/2018 19:53 PM

From my perspective, my wife is on the fence easing toward wanting to reconcile. She has been initiating affection and slowly opening that door. I've been keeping my distance because I've been taking the advice to give myself space, but it's hard because I don't want to let her go. And I sense she doesn't it.

I think I need to ask her point blank what she wants. Because until then we are both at a standstill.

beenthereinco posted 9/11/2018 10:40 AM

I think asking her point blank is the way to go. I know it is scary because you are afraid that the answer is going to be that she wants to Divorce but living in fear like this is no way to live.

You've got to let go of the outcome here, which I know is hard to do, because it is not in your control. Just having her say she wants to be in the Marriage is the first step in a long process. You're then going to have to establish what that means in the area of boundaries and how you are going to live together. She has to make these decisions and live by them. You can't force her or nice her into them. You don't have to be an ass but at some point you need to tell her "I'm willing to Reconcile if you are all in. I have some boundaries that we have to have in place. Are you committing to us and these boundaries?"

You don't have to be an ass and I'm not making this an Alpha/Beta thing either but you should think hard about what you can live with, what you need to feel safe and respected in your life and insist on that. Compromising on what you need here is going to cause you issues at some point in your life, mental, physical, something. Don't give on anything that you fundamentally know you need.

Of course all of this is dependent upon whether you can live with what you have found so far and whether the unborn baby turns out to be yours. If the coming baby is not your baby then really I don't see how you could possibly stay. Good luck. Don't you expect the results this week?

Hotdog posted 9/11/2018 11:42 AM

@FamilyMan75

Be cautious on her intentions to reconcile. We don't want you to dive back in and give it your all and then get hurt again. Is it for convenience or she really wants to get back with you because she realizes she loves you and can't live without you? Stop using your heart and start using your head to make decisions.

oldtruck posted 9/11/2018 11:57 AM

Asking a WW is the pick me dance. That is not a good
thing to do.

You tell a WW if she wants to recover than there
must be NC, if WW worked with the OM then WW must
leave that job. WW must live 100% transparent and
provide her BH with full access to all of her forms
of communication.

If she does not agree than you tell her you are
filing, then file. Never say you are going to do
something to a WW and not do it.

If she comes around after you file you can always
stop the process.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/11/2018 12:16 PM

It's really a waiting game until the baby is born.

She has no contact with the other man, we both upped and moved to another state. We're separated awaiting a DNA test on our unborn baby.

No divorce can happen until we have either been residents of this state for 6 months, and the baby is born. So it is really just a waiting game until then.

I don't see the harm in just asking her straight out what the hell she wants. It's clear what I want.

The1stWife posted 9/11/2018 12:30 PM

No issue with asking what she wants.

But it may be hard to know if her answer is truthful or not. Her words can be confusing to judge.

But given time her actions will show you if your M is a priority.

Best of luck.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/11/2018 15:59 PM

If you ask her today what she wants, it's going to be R; not because she loves you but because she has no one else right now. In her mind she's pregnant and ugly right now and she knows that you'll accept her as she is. Once the baby's born and she gets her figure back she's going to be riding the next guy who shows her some attention. This is what you have to look forward to. I don't mean to be harsh but serial cheaters many times don't stop until they're at a point in life where they can't get laid based on their looks anymore. I'm hoping you can get yourself clear of her lying and infidelity. Take care of yourself.

josiep posted 9/11/2018 16:20 PM

Asking her what she wants right now probably isn't a good idea because her hormones are not the same as they'd be if she wasn't pregnant and she herself probably doesn't know what she wants.

Here's something to consider. Perhaps wait until you get the dna results. If the baby is yours, maybe you could start over and rebuild what you had. She's a human being under all the exterior and the fact that she worked as a stripper might just mean she had a rough start in life and didn't know any other way to live. And maybe she's learned more about life during her marriage to you. I'm not saying it'll work but I do have a bit of a soft spot in m heart for her because maybe there is something salvagable. IF she's willing to do the hard work to rehabilitate herself. Anyway, food for thought.

And if the dna test shows the baby isn't yours, I just don't know what to say or what you should do. I think that might be when you go talk to a minister, priest or rabbi and/or IC. That's such a big issue, I wouldn't begin to suggest anything because the repercussions from it will ripple through your family forever. It'll take strong and committed people to help you navigate that one.

Best wishes to you. I hope you find some peace with it all and may you feel joy in your life again soon.

beenthereinco posted 9/11/2018 17:16 PM

And if the dna test shows the baby isn't yours, I just don't know what to say or what you should do.

You do realize that if this child is not his then this is the second child she has had while married to him that are biologically another man's? I'm sorry but I'm a forgiving guy but that would be just too much to ask.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/12/2018 13:26 PM

I want to say I finally got the DNA test results back and I'm 99.9% the father. I'm honestly ecstatic. And as a bonus, we found out the gender. There was no XY found, so 99% positive the baby is female.

Last night I asked my wife to meet me. I just needed to get what I wanted off my chest. I told her that I wasn't willing to live in limbo anymore. I told her I loved her, and wanted more than anything to be married to her, and be a family but that I wasn't willing to be plan B anymore. I acknowledged that she was dealing with some difficult issues, and I'm happy she is taking steps to work out her issues, but I always thought she was a worthy person and would stand by her.

She was emotional. She says she is afraid. I told her that I was afraid as well. But that I was willing to let her go, even if it hurts me if that was what it took. I even told her I'd risk losing time with my daughters, and potentially my relationship with my middle daughter, just to be free.

I love her. I see the good in her. I asked her what she wanted and that I didn't want to hear I don't know. Mind me at that moment I didn't know for sure the baby's DNA test. I told her if she didn't want to be committed to our marriage, then it would be best to make this separation formal. Which I laid out, that our custody arrangement, agreed spousal/child support arrangement would become formal versus informal. Then we can work toward our divorce. I was told that I have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. I finally took that advice.

She finally said she wanted to be with me. But she didn't want us to get back together and nothing changing. She brought up that she has issues, but pointed out that I had some unresolved issues. She brought up some pretty good points. From the very beginning, we fed off of one another for different reasons. I was fresh out of a long-term relationship and she was just getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship working at a strip club.

Then we talked about where we are, and where we would like to be. I finally had to admit, that I didn't want to be mean to her, and go against my nature in order to enforce boundaries. She told me that I didn't need to change who I am to stand up for yourself. Here is my wife who cheated, and has all these issues, who recognize what is wrong with me, better than me. But now that I know for sure I'm the father it does make things a lot easier.

Then she brought up our middle daughter. My mother messaged my wife, trying to get information out of her about the separation. My wife told me she thought I should tell my mother the truth about the baby's paternity. That she suspects it and it would be bad if she found out another way. My mom strongly suspects and if she were to find out the truth by a third party, I don't know how she'd react. So I had decided after I move on Saturday into my condo, I will take her aside in private and tell her the truth. My wife is all prepared to take whatever is thrown her way.

Which brought me to the last topic of our long emotional meeting. My mother told my wife about my coffee date with my ex-girlfriend. She asked me what was going on between us too. I told her that I had gone out for coffee with her in attempt to accept that our marriage was over. But it just left me feeling bitter. We talked about that for a bit. By this time it was late and we agreed to sit down again after I settled in my new place to talk some more.

Dismayed2012 posted 9/12/2018 14:25 PM

Hmmm...okay. So you're moving out and going to be working on yourselves individually and eventually reconciliation? I guess that would work. I do hope it all works out for you and your family. You've had a long hard ride. Hopefully you're getting some peace will be able to relax a bit during the remaining portion of your ride. Take care of yourself.

Edit: I forgot to mention that there's a reconciliation forum on this site that can help you through the process if you'd like to take advantage of it.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 2:27 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

max2018 posted 9/12/2018 15:58 PM

good news

I think to divorce and work on yourself first and start dating her again is better and safer but do whatever works for YOU

Congratulations

ChamomileTea posted 9/12/2018 17:53 PM

But she didn't want us to get back together and nothing changing. She brought up that she has issues, but pointed out that I had some unresolved issues.

Nothing you ever said or did, nothing you refrained from saying or doing... can cause someone else to cheat and lie. If your WW can't take full and complete responsibility for her actions without pointing fingers at you or at the marriage, than she's not really taking responsibility at all. You see that, don't you?

If you're going to make a new start, don't corrupt it with allowing misdirection to stand unchallenged.

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