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Where do I go from here? Separated.

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FamilyMan75 posted 8/25/2018 13:09 PM

I've been distancing myself from my wife but keeping things neutral until my condo is readyI'm not going to lie that I hope my wife can get her shit together and comes to her senses, but I'm letting go slowly of that expectation. I've noticed at least on the surface her vulnerability and just how insecure and shamed she is. I'm not going to rub it in, but at this time not going to entertain it. I need to let her figure this shit out because I can't help her, or support her if she doesn't want to help herself.

The1stWife posted 8/25/2018 13:33 PM

Well FM that is a good place to be. Seeing your W for who and what she is while recognizing she needs to fix herself.

And if legally you are the father of the two children - whether biologically or not - you do not need to tell them anything right now.

I think you know what is best for your children.

BTW - your wife is your wife regardless of her past. What is important is that she is a wife and mother. Sets an example. Is honest and truthful. Raises her children to her best ability. Is kind and loving. And doesn’t lie or cheat or steal.

If it doesn’t work out - you know you gave your best.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/29/2018 23:18 PM

Tomorrow the prenatal DNA test will be done. The results will take 7 to 10 business days.

The1stWife posted 8/30/2018 06:18 AM

What are your plans if biologically you are not the father?

Western posted 8/30/2018 07:15 AM

I agree with Dismayed. I will go one step farther. So often on these boards, family and the wayward sometimes have bad relations and I see so many betrayed spouses feeling that they have to choose between family and the wayward. To me, there should not be a choice.

Your family has issues with the wayward because they love you and are defending you, and in times where you are even reconciling, your WW needs to understand that she caused damage to not only you but others and needs to work to regain their trust as well. If she continues in her behavior, they will be there for you. They were there for you when she wasn't.

Always be mindful, they didn't bring this damaging person into your life, you brought the damaging person into theirs.

I know some will disagree but it does sound like you are defending her to them. IMO only, I would not advise this. This should be an opportunity to grow closer to your family.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/30/2018 13:12 PM

If the baby isn't mine, I'm going to walk. My middle daughter not being mine was a tough pill to swallow, but if she is lying again, and this test proves the baby isn't mine then I'm done. She'll have to go find the baby father because I can't do it. If that means she fights for me to not see the middle one anymore, then that is a risk I'm willing to take. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

max2018 posted 8/30/2018 15:39 PM

you should walk anyway

you can be a good father with out being with her

FamilyMan75 posted 8/30/2018 16:02 PM

you should walk anyway
you can be a good father with out being with her

I do think divorce is where I'm heading in the end anyway. But it doesn't mean I don't care about her. I'm showing her my support while she gets her shit together.

I did ask her this morning, one last time to be honest with me if there is even a slight chance I could not be the father. She swore up and down that the baby is mine. I know cheaters lie, but I hope to god she is telling the truth.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 4:07 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]

max2018 posted 8/30/2018 16:14 PM

as much as it pisses me off that you stuck with her

as much as I'm happy that those kids will have a MAN like you as a father they very very very lucky

- imagine that woman raising those poor girls -

[This message edited by max2018 at 4:16 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 8/30/2018 19:53 PM

I do think divorce is where I'm heading in the end anyway. But it doesn't mean I don't care about her. I'm showing her my support while she gets her shit together.

It's one thing to care about someone and to want the best for them. It's another to sacrifice yourself on that particular alter. You're not a bad person if you step back and create enough emotional distance to decide what YOU want for your one and only life.

Just make sure you're serving yourself first. That's going to be a change for you, I think. But in creating the best version of you, you're also creating a terrific role model for your kids. It's kind of like putting on your own oxygen mask first, so you're healthy enough to help others.

Just please think about not getting mired down in WW's issues. You didn't make them and you can't fix them. But you sure as hell run the risk of getting bogged down in them like a tar pit if you're not careful.

Your future can still be amazing, no matter what the final outcome is regarding the marriage. But it starts with a strong, healthy YOU.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/30/2018 22:18 PM

imagine that woman raising those poor girls

She is a good mother: patient, attentive, involved and caring. She regardless will have the girls half the time.

TheGuy123 posted 8/30/2018 22:33 PM

And you will have them the other half....and show them morals and character!

Great mothers make great examples/role models....

I have to disagree with you!


TheGuy123 posted 8/30/2018 23:07 PM

just keep an eye on the kids to see were their mothers priorities are.

people change.


you are no longer a spouse, but you are a co parent and have every right to protect your girls from the unknown.


And from were I'm sitting your kids are facing a lot of unknowns from their mom. Please be your kids constant in all of this mess your old lady created!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:14 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]

fareast posted 8/30/2018 23:14 PM

FamilyMan:

From what you have described your WW is an involved Mother, not neglectful, caring, patient and attentive. I hope this behavior continues even if/when you D. I agree. Your WW has not been a faithful spouse, she has cheated and deceived you but she is a good mother to the children.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/31/2018 01:06 AM

We have officially agreed on an informal custody agreement. M-T we alternate, Wed-wife day, Thursday-my day and we alternate weekends.

max2018 posted 8/31/2018 05:08 AM

She is a good mother: patient, attentive, involved and caring. She regardless will have the girls half the time.

good mothers don't have affairs risking thier health , the health of the fathers and the babies - cheating while they're pregnant -

good mothers don't lie about paternity

good mothers don't take from the family time and money to wh### around

good mothers don't put thier family at risk with crazy APS who nobody know what they will do in your case the AP lost everthing , is there a guarantee he won't do somthing crazy to retaliate and if you think this can't happen to you , SoulCrushed16 poor friend and her two girls are not here beacuse of a crazy b### OW

SHE IS NOT A GOOD MOTHER

[This message edited by max2018 at 5:11 AM, August 31st (Friday)]

keptmyword posted 9/1/2018 16:42 PM

good mothers don't have affairs risking thier health , the health of the fathers and the babies - cheating while they're pregnant

good mothers don't lie about paternity

good mothers don't take from the family time and money to wh### around

good mothers don't put thier family at risk with crazy APS who nobody know what they will do in your case the AP lost everthing ,

Agreed.

Of all the horrendous damage that infidelity causes, children get it the worst of all.

They get to watch their family, their foundation, and their security being destroyed, not by some outside force, but from within from the lies, deceit, contempt, disrespect, and ultimate betrayal by one of their very parents.

The fear, uncertainty, and tension from this is overwhelming and causes a myriad of problems in the short term and long term.

Putting your children in a state of fear and deep sadness so one can writhe in their own selfish shit is NOT being a good parent.

Committing the most despicable and hurtful of all betrayals against the children’s other parent is not being a good parent.

You cannot separate the aspect of infidelity from the aspect of moral soundness that children need to see modeled to them.

Committing infidelity is the ultimate form of moral corruption.

Tearing a child’s family apart is simply being a shitty parent no matter how much “affection” a parent shows them.

Parenting is far more than just giving hugs and kisses.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 4:44 PM, September 1st (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 9/1/2018 18:07 PM

Please get out of this mess, you know she's a serial cheater, be a responsible father for your children (the ones that are yours) and move on, don't settle for this, you deserve better.

File for D regardless and don't look back, I know there's someone out there who will respect you and be faithful to you, and remember strip clubs are not good places to find your life partner. Good luck.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/4/2018 14:54 PM

At least Karma is heading toward the other man's direction. Nothing against custodians, but from some of my wife's ex co-workers, we found out he can't get a job as an executive where we had lived, and had to take a job as a janitor. In addition, he lives with his mother. It really does warm my heart. I do feel bad for his children but it's not my problem.

I'm still waiting on the results on the DNA test. I did own up to a lie I told my wife. Shortly after she told me my daughter wasn't my biological daughter, I did want to hurt her. I told her I cheated on her when I didn't. I said I slept with a stripper. I felt bad about, and it ate at me and I finally came clean.

I'm not sure how she feels and I didn't ask. Still working on keeping a distance from her.

max2018 posted 9/4/2018 15:01 PM

. Still working on keeping a distance from her.

keep working on this , it will save your life

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