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The confession....

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Pdxguy posted 8/5/2018 17:44 PM

I need help. I have been married 16 years. The first 8 we're really good but I started to feel neglected about 5 years ago. i began exploring sites, looking at casual encounters, until about three years ago when I intersected with someone who found me incredibly attractive. In a matter of days our affair would start. It lasted 3 months and only ended when my wife saw text records. I denied it until now and finally confessed more than 3 years later. In the meantime, I spent my bad moments trolling casual encounters or other sites, having online fantasies, but trying to satiate this itch without sex. I'm addicted.to it. Sex in my marriage is not as frequent as I want (feel that I need), and I seek out attention in other ways. I've posted ads with a pic saying "AM I FU$$ABLE?" just to feel.the rush of a beautiful woman sending her pics with a YES, ABSOLUTELY. I told my wife recently and she is more disappointed by the fantasies than the affair. The reality is that I'm willing to counseling but i just don't see that she will ever be able to give me what I want in the bedroom. There's obviously so much more. I'm a cheater and resent this. I'm remorseful but scared that the end.of this story will be even more dissatisfaction. Please tell me what's wrong with me. Poke holes in my logic. Am I just an WS animal????

BlueSprinkles posted 8/5/2018 20:49 PM

Hi pdxguy, youíre hurting, whether you realize it or not, and Iím positive there will be others along who have some insight for you. I wish you well while you work on getting sorted out.

Pdxguy posted 8/5/2018 22:00 PM

Thanks blue sprinkles. This is my first coming out with this. I know I have been selfish. Frankly, I don't want to be me,if that makes sense. I don't want to have this impulse, so I know i need to get my own help. I'm not an emotional person but am finding myself crying over childhood memories that may have impacted adulthood. The selfishness just sinks me though, realizing what I've done but also thinking about the addiction.

Lucky77 posted 8/6/2018 04:23 AM

Your behaviors are so bad that I wouldn't doubt your W wouldn't want sex with you at all. If that's the case then for sure there's a wide disconnect between how frequently you want it vs her.

As guys we're pretty infamous for doing stooopid shit so no one is beyond repair. Someone who trolls Casual Encounters as much as you is pretty broken though. The counseling route would be good for you. Take a look at why your inner core is in as bad a situation as why you are compelled to stray so far from your W. You might have some sex addict tendencies. Are drugs and alcohol a factor in your behavior. I know, for me, alcohol was huge fuel to drive my wayward behavior. Once I cut that out I was able to reel myself in significantly.

You don't sound that broken. When I hit bottom I felt like I was a quivering pile of jello just wracked with contrition and had an intense drive to stop being so wayward after 30 years of M. You sound like you could be back on the shitty websites this afternoon. You're no where near bottom. Something has happened to you on your journey that your inner moral foundation is damaged. It's harder to grow to be a person of character with a flawed foundation. Have a look at that and see what you find.

We're all some level of a mess here on the Wayward side. Welcome.

Pdxguy posted 8/6/2018 10:42 AM

Lucky77, I appreciate your input. I'm listening and pissed off at how right you are. I don't know what some of the feelings I'm having are right now, but there is definitely a lot of selfish stuff. Like....if I go through a process of saving the marriage, when is the next time I will ever have sex. That's obviously a sign of sex addiction. As for contrition, does the desire to jump in front of a bus (or any number of plans) count? Probably more selfish ideas. The pain is so painful I'd rather suffer physically. I was able to schedule a counseling session this week. I'm realizing that all of the problems of my life have culminated into this, since childhood. I swept them under the rug. It was easier to build a successful life, money, career, marriage, etc., than deal with my brokenness. We also married at a young age. I was her first (and only). I resented it. I wonder if I still do. If contrition or remorse is manifest in self-infliction, I'm definitely there. But yea I probably still am just a pile of $hit. I need help. I need a guy friend (another WS) who can tell me that it CAN work. And for the first time in my life, I need to work hard on the inside. I've kept it all in.

Root posted 8/6/2018 10:50 AM

This is such a common scenario. Neglected physically (assuming you were in a dead bedroom or close to it situation) so you seek a solution that doesn't involve blowing up your life. You get caught and your life blows up anyway. Now you get to face the problem that you shoved in the closet in the first place (lack of sex). Its VERY possible that if you wife didn't want sex with you before she sure won't want it now. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex in a marriage. Know this you still have the choice to leave (assuming you aren't financially trapped).

Sometimes people act out because they feel powerless to change their circumstances. They numb themselves with Facebook, alcohol, food, and yes trolling the internet for someone to talk to. This isn't a solution to what ails you. Get into counseling to find out healthier ways to get your needs met. You are worth so much more than online fantasies. Wouldn't you rather have the real thing??

Pdxguy posted 8/6/2018 11:37 AM

Root, your input forces me to ask a few questions. Am I a sex addict because I just am? Or, am I acting like this because I don't get what I want at home?

Another way to highlight the point, how necessary is sex in a marriage. I could truly be happy with her for the long-term. But I just crave physical intimacy with someone. That feeling I get when a woman says my pic is sexy and that my wife is crazy for not doing me every night, it's both validating and addicting. But....why do I crave it?

Clairebb posted 8/6/2018 14:28 PM

This is such a common scenario. Neglected physically (assuming you were in a dead bedroom or close to it situation)
Roots why are you making these assumptions? He said he started to feel neglected, not that she was neglecting him. Assumptions like these make it easy for new waywrds to make excuses.

Its VERY possible that if you wife didn't want sex with you before she sure won't want it now. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex in a marriage. Know this you still have the choice to leave (assuming you aren't financially trapped).
why would a betrayed wife suddenly want to have sex with a husband that cheated on her? I didnít expect that from my bh. Is it a turn on to almost get an std from your own husband? Of course he still has a choice to leave, conveniently after he blew her life up.

Becoming a better person mean having empathy so lets have some for his wife. You say youíre scared thereíll be even more dissatisfaction at the end of this.

Read the other forums & tell me if you hear how satisfied they are. As a wayward MUST understand that you have given your spouse a reason to be dissatisfied for the rest of her life. You can still be satisfied in several ways. You want to be forgiven for betraying your wife, if she does that then you want her to be everything you want sexually. She will never be able to have NOT been betrayed by you. She will never have the complete trust and confidence that she is loved, the way she did before. Do you think that is satisfying?

Think about her when youíre scared how how dissatisfied you might be and understand what you have taken from her. If she leaves, her life is still blown up. Thatís how life is for betrayed spouses. Dissatisfaction is he perfect word for what they get after being betrayed, and still being kind enough to forgive.

Oh and from what Iíve seen betrayed wives and husbands feel pretty ugly after being cheated on, doesnít exactly make them want to have sex. please think about that the next time youíre scared of feeling dissatisfied. She probably is convinced you donít want her at all now

Pdxguy posted 8/6/2018 15:39 PM

Clairebb, thank you for that. I needed that. I am crying a little right now. The harder the truth the better.

MrsWalloped posted 8/7/2018 09:04 AM

As for contrition, does the desire to jump in front of a bus (or any number of plans) count?

No. Not one bit.

What are you doing to actually help your wife? Iím not saying not to have the feelings you have, but those arenít helpful to you or your wife. Being remorseful means things or actions youíre doing to help yourself become a better person and to help your wife as she deals with what you did to her.

Pdxguy posted 8/7/2018 12:04 PM

Thanks for the response. You're right: self-inflicted pain and punishment is not remorse. I'm struggling with full honesty at this point. I'm trying get a counselor to talk with us ASAP, at which time I want to share some more details to her. I've been listening to an affair recovery podscast, and one of the things it says is to become the 'betrayor healer'. In other words, i'm taking it upon myself to not be the victim or the hurt one but rather to do everything i can to help her get through this.

Zugzwang posted 8/7/2018 22:10 PM

Sex in my marriage is not as frequent as I want (feel that I need),

Which is it. Do you get it, but not often enough to feed your ego? She married you, so she obviously found you attractive. But, that doesn't matter to you anymore. Why? Is this really about the intimacy or is it about the validation and attention?

You could be a sex addict. Who knows.

Or, am I acting like this because I don't get what I want at home?
One thing is for certain, you aren't cheating because of the marriage, not getting enough sex, or your wife. You are cheating because you have an unrealistic want to fill your ego through by attention/validation through sex.

Be honest with yourself. If you had sex everyday with your wife, would it really keep you from cheating. I highly doubt it. I think you will still cheat because you have taken your wife's love for granted and have chosen to take advantage of that. Your wife isn't good enough to feed your ego. She is already caught. Now, you are an unsatiable goldfish searching for more. No one can feed you. You need to learn how to feed yourself.

assjack posted 8/8/2018 06:25 AM

Pdxguy, the one thing I would do today to help yourself is to head the advice of zugzwang.

As he says I think you are using sex as a cover for some deeper issues that you have. I am saying this because this is very similar to what I did.

Marcy70 posted 8/8/2018 10:35 AM

One thing is for certain, you aren't cheating because of the marriage, not getting enough sex, or your wife. You are cheating because you have an unrealistic want to fill your ego through by attention/validation through sex.

This is exactly right. It was not external circumstances that made you cheat. There were many other ways you could have reacted to these external circumstances and try to get your needs met...i.e. talk to your wife, get into marriage counseling, or leave. But you chose betraying the person youíre supposed to love.
Why do that? Why did you develop this crappy coping mechanism of seeking ego kibbles and validation from random women instead of your wife? What internal need are you trying to fill with sex and attention? Focus on these types of questions, and on being honest and kind to your wife. This may be a deal breaker for her or if youíre lucky, she might be willing to try to rebuild with you. Either way you need to become healthier or this crappy behavior pattern will repeat itself.

Pdxguy posted 8/8/2018 19:49 PM

Marcy, thank you.

Pdxguy posted 8/9/2018 21:12 PM

Can someone explain the acronyms to me please? Dday (day confessing to affair?). DD this and all the other ones...

Also, how do I contact zugzwang?

I am so stupid. I have failed and betrayed everything. I hate myself. And I'm just ready to give up. Oh, I lied too, there were so many other affairs. Pieces of shit like me deserve nothing, just nothing.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/9/2018 22:18 PM

Hi there Pdxguy,

I am so stupid. I have failed and betrayed everything. I hate myself. And I'm just ready to give up. Oh, I lied too, there were so many other affairs. Pieces of shit like me deserve nothing, just nothing.
This isn't helpful, at all. Stop wallowing in humiliation and be humbled. There is a huge difference. Being humbled means you admit that you don't know the answers or the questions but you are going to start trying to figure them out.

The first step is to own your story. All of it. Even the parts where you're the villain. From this moment forward, the truth. Gut check before you say anything. You will be tempted to shade what you say to make yourself seem slightly less horrible, to get an outcome you want, or to avoid an outcome you don't want. No. That is what got you where you are. Do the gut check. If your gut has a twisty feeling, that means what you're about to say isn't the complete truth. Figure out what the complete truth is and check again. No twisty feeling? Proceed.

Let go of the outcome. Get into IC. Start educating yourself on the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. Start figuring out how and why your sense of self worth became tied to whether a stranger finds you fuckable. It can be done. I had to do it too.

Focus on fixing you.

Dday is the day your BS (Betrayed Spouse) discovered that she was betrayed. Some BS's have multiple Ddays because their WS (Wayward Spouse) lies after the initial Dday and the truth trickles (TT) out in bits and pieces. Every time another truth comes out, it sets the BS back to square one. Many BS's say it is worse than the initial revelation and it is the lying post-affair that kills their ability to consider reconciliation.

At the top of the first page in the Healing Library here on SI (link in the little yellow box in the upper left corner of your browser) there is a link to a guide the abbreviations.

Proceed with conviction, valor and humility.

Pdxguy posted 8/10/2018 14:48 PM

We started therapy last week. It was amazing. First time I cried in 20 years, and I've been crying daily since then. Eyes feel puffy all the time....it feels good to have emotion again. Not sure I can go back to my emotionless self. Not sure if this is adequate, but I feel like im sort of liberated. I'm also sad. I came.out.amd.told most our extended family on both sides. A lot of people saying they support us and praying for us. I resent them though. Prayers dont make action, and several of our family members just stood by while our marriage clearly needed help. But that's me deflecting. I have to pick myself and this marriage up in the ground and start working hard. That means I have to feel again. Feeling sucks....


Real DD: 8/7/18
WS (me, husband): 38
BS (her): 39
Expect more TT
PA: 1
ONS: numerous
Conclusion on life: TBD

Pdxguy posted 8/18/2018 12:23 PM

In our last therapy session (#2) the marriage counselor gave us a platform for me to tell my BS everything. Although I didn't go into sexual details, I feel liberated. A lot selfish feelins of pain and hurt now. I got it out. I'm grateful. The counselor suggested I likely have a sex addiction too. While I take responsibility for my actions, I'm now confused. What does sex addiction mean? Perhaps the fact that I think I can't make it through today without sex is an indication. The counselor said no sex or anything (porn, onviously too). Meanwhile, BS has suffered a thousand figurative cuts from this. I now understand more what trauma really is. I did that. I used to be so judgmental toward people who hurt their spouses. Now I consider myself one those people, an abuser. I'm an abuser, an addict. The thing is, you can't go around hurting people in life. You end up carrying the pain you've caused to them inside you forever. There is no one-sided trauma, it ripples like water, endlessly into everything it touches.

Zugzwang posted 8/18/2018 13:25 PM

and several of our family members just stood by while our marriage clearly needed help. But that's me deflecting.

Yes it is. Yet you wrote it, so do you really believe you are deflecting. It is no ones responsibility but yours to be a mature adult and fix your marriage. You clearly resent something. What is it really?

I'm an abuser, an addict.
I would start with why you do it. Stop looking at it as sex addict and just addict. If it wasn't sex, what else would you use to feed what it is your are feeding. Do you do it to push something up or to push something down?

You end up carrying the pain you've caused to them inside you forever.
NOT to mention the blaringly obvious but not to the selfish. These people have their own shit to deal with. The last thing they need is adult someone unloading their shit onto them. WE have no right to push our shit onto someone else to get a leg up. Does your wife do that to you or other people? It isn't just about what you do to yourself. It is what other people just deserve out of human compassion and rights.

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