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Serious advice needed

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Devastatedwifey posted 8/22/2018 13:10 PM

Hello I'm new here, I'm searching for advice on how to get off this emotional roller coaster.
My husband of 11 years 15 together had a ONS while away on a business trip. He didn't confess I found out because he gave me an STI(curable thank God) but still extremely heart breaking. Before meeting my husband I was in a relationship that left me very broken and he promised he'd never do this to me. How do I get past the betrayal of him cheating and breaking his promise but also his careless regard for not only himself but my safety? He says he used protection but admits she touched herself and him prior to using protection.
I'm constantly going back and forth about forgiving him some days all I do is cry. We've gone through or are going through the hysterical bonding phase which leaves me feeling like he's got the best of both worlds he cheated and he can still have me. This is killing me I love him and want to save my marriage but don't want him to feel vindicated either. DD was 4weeks ago the day before my birthday when I got the call with the test results. I'm devastated.

recovering2018 posted 8/22/2018 13:27 PM

I'm sorry that you're here.

I'm sure that others will tell you about the required reading and the 180.

If you were to find out that this wasn't the only time he cheated, what would your reaction be? It seems that you only found out about the ONS because of the STI. He risked your health and possibly your life!!

I'd highly suggest that you do some detective work to figure out if you're dealing with a serial cheater because they are usually incurable.

demos posted 8/22/2018 13:31 PM

Very unlikely that he got an STD from a one time hookup. Chances are he is telling you it was only one time to save his ass from you knowing the truth.

DesertLily posted 8/22/2018 13:52 PM

Welcome, Devastatedwifey. I'm so sorry for your pain.

I want to point out what demos wrote. We've seen that a lot here. Many Waywards have claimed to get something from a ONS, but it came out later that were engaged in an A, and they were protecting their AP. Doesn't mean that's what's happening in your situation, but keep an open mind.

As for help to get off this emotional rollercoaster, well, once the ride has begun, there's no getting off until you come to a complete stop at the end of the track.

Time is what it takes. Time to process all the pain. Time to heal. Time to rebuild.

There are some things you can do, though, to make the ride a little less hell raising. You can take care of you. Eat, sleep, see your doctor if you can't. Get into counseling for just you, heal you before you try to work on your marriage.

Finding out about infidelity in our marriage is traumatic. We go through denial, shock, anger, grief and rage. Then we go numb and start all over again.

The HB is common, but it will end. And you might even go through more than one round of it. I did.

Read up in the Healing Library. There's a whole lot of great information there to help guide you through this process. And keep posting. You have friends here that will support you.

Good luck on your healing journey.


[This message edited by DesertLily at 1:54 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday)]

Notmine posted 8/22/2018 13:55 PM

I am very sorry you have found yourself here. Infidelity was the most painful and traumatic time of my life. It DOES get better, but it takes time and hard work. Know that your life will never be the same. Know that you do not have to make any decision you are not ready to make. Know that cheaters lie about EVERYTHING! My counselor told me not to believe one thing that my husband said. If he did the work it would be a YEAR before he would be able to be truly honest...IF he did the work. This included individual counseling (IC) on a consistent basis. I am sorry, but your husband is a cheater and may very well be lying about his cheating. He got CAUGHT or he would not have told you. That makes everything he says suspect. IF you decide to gift him with a chance at reconciliation he will need to agree to IC (and he must go), complete availability (passcodes, etc) of all devices whenever you wish, a lie detector test, etc. Others will be along to add to this list. There are good books in the healing library (see yellow box at upper left). Go see a lawyer to protect yourself (you do not have to file for divorce, but knowledge is power). Stand strong. HE broke his vows. It has nothing to do with you. HE is broken. YOU get to choose what the gift of reconciliation looks like. He does not get to make demands. He lost that right when he broke the marriage AND your life. MOST importantly, take care of yourself. Eat what you can, stay hydrated. Make sure you get a full STD screen. We are here for you.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/22/2018 14:18 PM

I do believe this was the first and only offense. I went through his phone, emails photos, text messages, social media everything. He's been competing open since Dday and honestly he doesn't look well, he's not sleeping (he's in the guest room) and begs for forgiveness everyday. I just can't help feeling like this will happen again because I've been through this before with my oldest sons father(we were never married, he cheated with several, one got pregnantthe same time I was). My husband knows what I went through in that relationship, which is why this is just so hard to understand how he could do this. We've never had any trust issues because I'm a firm believer in what's done in the dark will ALWAYS come to light. He says he'll never do it again because he hates seeing how much he's hurt me and he hates how it feels to know he caused all this pain. Can I believe him?

Mene posted 8/22/2018 17:05 PM

Devastatedwifey,

Its that question “can I trust they won’t do it again” something we BS have to grapple with in the first few weeks/months. There are no guarantees they won’t do it again. The only way to find out is time and how much remorse they show and the work the do on themselves and their marriages.

As far as whether this is a one off in your current marriage, well, he and only he can tell you that. Trust your gut. Just trust it and that will lead you to your destiny. They say your gut is your second brain. It’s never failed me while my brain did fail me when I was trying to rationalize whether my spouse was having an affair(s).

I’m sorry you find yourself here. We are here to help and initially we will ask questions and give you directions to help you find the whole truth. Hopefully, you have. Just remember, cheaters are in most cases masters at deceit and lies. Until they get the full evidence given to them they will gaslight and deny, deny, deny.

Keep in touch with us. Let us know how it all goes. Take care of yourself. The rollercoaster has just started and you need to hang on for the journey you didn’t choose to have.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:06 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday)]

recovering2018 posted 8/22/2018 21:03 PM

He violated your trust. For that reason, he doesn't deserve to be believed right now. He has to earn that back.

Have you checked your mobile device bills? Are there any unusual calls that don't have corresponding entries in the phone log? If it's not an iPhone, the phone bill may contain texting (SMS) logs as well.

Finally, are there any suspicious apps like WhatsApp? If you look in the app store history, are there any messaging apps in the install history that are missing from the phone?

Devastatedwifey posted 8/23/2018 17:10 PM

Hi all,
I've have combed through every inch of my husband's phone. I've pulled the phone records but it's hard to know if numbers are suspicious because of his line of work (barber). I can say this he's not very tech savvy. He didn't delete anything when I searched his phone without his knowledge and what was on the phone matched the phone records. The ONS happened (according to him) when this random female stopped by his hotel room. He'd met her a day or two prior while out with co workers for dinner and drinks. He let her in and one thing led to another (he swears she initiated). He said she left immediately after he never saw her again. He says he was extremely embarrassed and ashamed and feels horrible about what he's done because this is not the type of person he is. There were a total of 3 texts and a series of phone calls over a two day period none lasting more than 1 minute. He says she was calling to get something she'd left in his rental car. My husband says they(he and co workers) went to shoot pool after the restaurant closed and she jumped in his car along with one of his co workers. I don't want to sound naive but it's sounds like she targeted him. Is that possible or am I trying to see the best in him? My husband is very nice and will talk to a perfect stranger about nothing. He doesn't always recognize right away when people have bad intentions. I'm not justifying his behavior because I know what he did was inexcusable but I have seen this man over our 15 years together be taken advantage of repeatedly because he sees good in people where I can be pessimistic. I trust no one until they prove they can be trusted. There has been no contact since. He returned and no suspicious behavior he doesn't have a passcode on his phone I control all the finances. I guess my biggest fear is that it will happen again the next time he has to go out of town for work. BTW he has two jobs. He works with me during the day we ride to work together, take lunch together the only exception is when he has to go on site visits with co workers in a company vehicle where mileage is strictly enforced. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/24/2018 14:31 PM

The ONS happened (according to him) when this random female stopped by his hotel room. He'd met her a day or two prior while out with co workers for dinner and drinks. He let her in and one thing led to another (he swears she initiated). He said she left immediately after he never saw her again. He says he was extremely embarrassed and ashamed and feels horrible about what he's done because this is not the type of person he is.

She knocked on the door, he forgot he was married, yada, yada, yada, she left. He became that person, when he had sex with this "random woman".

If your sister or friend told you this story what would you think?

Either he is the worst liar or one helluva charming dude who causes random women's clothes to come off and they insist on having sex with him...sounds like a "Dear Penthouse letter" (do they still have those?)

ShutterHappy posted 8/24/2018 17:06 PM

It doesn’t sound like a likely story.

If you are thinking of R, ask for a detailed timeline, and have a polygraph done. You will need to know what is it you are reconciling.

shiloe posted 8/24/2018 17:31 PM

I don't believe that. What, was she a hooker?

There is more to it most likely.

He must have given her a "go" sign, like flirting back or something.

mae19681995 posted 8/25/2018 19:19 PM

Dear Devastatedwifey, So sorry to hear you are going through this.You both might need to sit down with a counselor to help you sort out the truth. You are very early in this process, but you can have reconciliation if that is what both of you want. This STI how bad is it? So sorry. You both need time to fully process what has happened. It is a grieving process so the stages of grief will be visible here and very evident. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For those that want to reconcile in time forgiveness will come too. Again a counselor could help both of you through this process. Hang in there and keep coming back to this site. I hope that something I have stated here helps you in the processing. Give yourself time to grieve and process. Don't rush it and take your time.

Buster123 posted 8/25/2018 23:08 PM

His story sounds like BS and doesn't pass the smell test. Have you talked to some of his co-workers to corroborate his story (of course they could cover for him but to see if the story matches), have you contacted the OW ? is she married or have a bf ? if so you need to try to contact OBS (other betrayed spouse) to help ensure she does not contact him again in the future.

Demand a complete written timeline of the A, tell him he only has a couple of days to give it to you, once you have it, DEMAND he takes a polygraph, some of the questions should be: Have you cheated before this A ? if so how many times, Have you slept with a prostitute during your M, etc., you may even get the famous "parking lot confession" right before the polygraph test, go through with it anyway. If you are to forgive him, you need to know what you're forgiving before you give him the gift of R, He risked your health and life, it could have been HIV, Hep C or another chronic disease, don't ever forget that.

Talk to divorce attorney to know your legal rights, even if you decide to R, DEMAND he signs a Postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if he cheats again you'll take him to the cleaners.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/26/2018 09:27 AM

Checking in.. I've read a lot of you're responses and honestly they've made me really scared. I don't know what to do. HB is over and I guess I'm really coming to grips on what happened. I had an appointment out of state for an unrelated issue and he went with me. During the ride I wanted to talk about things but he said "I want to talk about it, but I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about" from that moment I've been withdrawn. There's no conversation about it unless I bring it up. Which is frustrating he's constantly apologizing and asking how I'm feeling but that's it. He's never been a great communicator and this hasn't changed that.

Someone asked if I'd contacted the co workers. The answer is no. The reason being is because they don't actually work with us. He was on travel for training and so I guess I should have called the people he was around classmates instead of co workers. He did have one person from our office go for training but his wife went with him so he didn't "hang out" with my WS. As for contacting the OW I don't really see the point, I could be wrong but she was a random woman why would she tell me the truth? Someone also mentioned contacting her boy friend or spouse again, he(WS) didn't know this woman so how the hell am I supposed to know if she's married or in a relationship? I can tell by her social media pages that's she really a troubled, trashy, low class person. I'm judging because anyone who posts pictures of themselves passed out
drunk legs spread open or pictures of themselves with different men and only has men as friends on every social media outlet obviously has no problem throwing themselves at a married man or any man for that matter. Her own family posted about how she's trash. Not saying it's all on her but I can see her pushing up on him. What I can't grasp is why he couldn't/ didn't turn her away?

My husband didn't have a "traditional affair" he fucked some random in a hotel room while traveling. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this, I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!

Me:BS
Him:WS
Dday:7/25/18 ONS on or around 6/20/18
DS:3
15 years together 11.5 married
R? D?
WTF do I do?

[This message edited by Devastatedwifey at 12:37 PM, September 1st (Saturday)]

Ripped62 posted 8/26/2018 10:14 AM

In the I Can Relate forum you will find a thread on emotionless infidelity. Many involved prostitutes.

The thought processes the wayward spouse goes through in the betrayal is similar. The WS is after extra sex or a thrill. They rationalize what the betrayed spouse knows will not hurt them. Posts about disclosure or telling whomever really do not make sense because their is no one to tell. She has no shame. Her job is not an issue because of her flagrant behavior on social media. Was the woman a classmate and he knew her before? How did you find out her name? The reason I am asking is because of potential future contact at similar courses or other events.

To heal your husband has got to do the work. He must get into IC or other appropriate therapies and discover why his boundaries are so poor. He must also do the work so that infidelity can never be a choice for him again. He will have to help you heal while rebuilding the marriage.

An excellent book I recommend for you to read and your wayward husband is
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald

The book is short. It will take 45 minutes to 1 hour to read. The book provides a roadmap out of infidelity. Even though you are dealing with emotionless infidelity the work that must be done is the same. You just do not have to deal with a wayward spouse pinning away after their affair partner. You do have to deal with a wayward spouse that will have sex with someone else for the singular experience or thrill. How he met this woman and the amount of contact they had will provide answers. From her social media it seems she is an excessively promiscuous female frequently engaging in sexual activities with multiple partners (a nice way of saying slut.)

The 15 points from Linda MacDonald's book that are a minimum for a wayward spouse to be doing in order to help you heal:

Successful Rebuilders:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

After he has read the book, both of you should discuss it. I would suggest you compare your husband's actions to this list to determine if he can successfully turn his life around and heal the marriage.

Please give yourself time to process the trauma. You need to heal. Infidelity is often fatal to marriages but it does not have to be. Many members here have created great relationships after the original marriage was destroyed.

I suggest you not try to make since of his wayward behavior. It is asinine and illogical. It will make no sense and unless you have that warped perspective there is no way to reconcile the stupidity and risk taking. He gets to own it. The consequences are his.

Seeing your pain is one of the consequences.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. We will be with you as you journey out of infidelity.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/26/2018 11:24 AM

Ripped62, thank you! Your post is what I needed. I've checked out the emotionless infidelity forum. This was not for me every post revolved around prostitutes, and Craigslist hook ups etc. He went out with some classmates and this woman was at the restaurant. He says the group left the restaurant and went to shoot pool.

Here's why I believe this woman set out to sleep with my husband.

Timeline:
They leave the restaurant she jumps in his car(1st boundary broken) along with one of his classmates(male). After everyone(about 6 people) finished shooting pool they headed back to the restaurant/cars. She again jumped in his car and tells him she needs to call her friend because she left her phone in her friend's car. She doesn't call the friend she actually calls her own phone(now she has his number 2nd boundary broken). When they return to the restaurant and go their separate ways she calls him and leaves a message saying she left something in his car. (This is where I believe her plan was to meet up with him later, but my husband is terrible about answering and charging his phone so she wasn't able to get in touch with him. (Phone records show she called repeatedly each call was less than a minute no other VM). He called her 2times each during a break when he was in class(to return her item each call less than a minute,I can't be sure if he left a VM), its important to know he can't miss class or he fails. So he couldn't have met up with her during that time. The next night a classmate says they will be playing cards in the OW friends room. He goes and it turns out the friend was on the same floor as him. (Property was returned no need for future contact phone records match)he said after the card game he left went back to his room alone. The next day he's in his room and she knocks on his door, he opens the door and invites her in (3rd & 4th boundaries broken) while talking she says to him she told her friend she liked him and her friend told her where his room was. She then proceeded to "show him why she was there" 5th and final boundary broken when he didn't ask her to leave but instead gave her what she came for.

I found her number in the phone records then checked his phone, emails, voice mails, pictures, social media, etc. All before he had a chance to delete anything. He gave me the timeline and it adds up. I used Spokeo to find her and sent him a picture from her social media to confirm I found the right person. He was slow to respond(in shock that I found her) but admitted it was her. I've looked through everything on social media about this person and it's not good. It appears she's damaged and has a problem with alcohol which could explain her inability to stay away from a married man.

I'll check out the book and share it with him.
Thanks again for the advice.

Ripped62 posted 8/26/2018 14:09 PM

Devastatedwifey,

You will experience a variety of emotions as you heal. We call this being on the emotional rollercoaster. Many of us are on it. Some of us are a few cars up and some are a few back. We ride it with you and it is hell. When angry or in the anger phase of grief and recovery try and direct it (if possible) to push the healing process forward.

If you must scream and break things that is okay too. I suggest you pick items of little or no sentimental or monetary value. Pillow pounding or throwing is best if you need a physical release.

I am sorry for the pain and trauma your husbands actions have caused you.
Your husbands infidelity is common among wayward spouses. They have the yearning to cheat, feel entitled, and when traveling or other circumstances arise they create the situation to act. Other times the wayward spouse, like your husband, will find themselves in situations they have allowed to spiral out of control and then act on their selfish desires.

I have seen this in my personal life. People are having sex with some nasty morsels of humanity. In such cases the wayward spouse does not matter. They are nothing but a toy...a piece of meat. The only thing desired by the other woman is the psychological need of validation she fulfilled in her having sex with him and perhaps the pleasure his body provided. That is all she was after. He was faceless. He was used.

Your husband made a conscious choice to betray first himself and then betray you when he allowed himself to be involved with this woman. Your husband's decision to cheat and have sex with a $%#&$ required him to make a number of decisions and accomplish a number of acts. He was acting to break vows, destroy those he professed to love, and shatter a marriage all for something. In your husband's case the something extra was sex plus whatever other deficiency he had.

His boundaries, decision making process, and allowing someone of her ilk to harm you and him in such a horrible way is where he must go to heal himself. He must eliminate the wayward thinking so that infidelity will never be an option for him again.

At no point did he involve you or make you aware of what he was up to. You did not allow her to cross boundaries or open the hotel room door and invite her in. Since you did not have a say in the betrayal, it requires him to accomplish the repair.

He must own his actions and must better himself to become the spouse you deserve. He must do the work to be a safe husband for you and excellent father for your childen.

Somehow at somepoint a change must happen in him. He must get out of the wayward mindset. Prior to engaging in acts with another person he must turn his focus from harmful desires and think. He must answer a couple of questions:
* How does this impact my wife?
* How is this good for my family?

As you can see your husband has a lot of work to do.

You also need to heal and process the trauma and pain of his betrayal. He needs to help you with this.

One thing I wish to warm you about is the minimization of infidelity termed rugsweeping. Many wayward spouses want the betrayal to be forgotten and often betrayed spouses long for things to return to normal that they choose to rugsweep the infidelity.

Rugsweeping is a form of denial. It is fake. It is named after the idea of sweeping dirt under the rug, so that it’s not really clean at all…just hidden. Basically, one or both spouses pretend that everything is back to normal. The issues in the marriage are not addressed. There is no work done by the wayward spouse so that cheating is not an option. When the situation or stimulus reoccurs infidelity transpires. Rugsweeping may produce resentment in the betrayed spouse and one day they have had enough and end the marriage.

The acts of betrayal cause tremendous damage to the betrayed spouse, wayward spouse, and their family. That is why it is vital he do the work and you heal. Right now he does not know the pain and harm he has caused you. From your posts he is reacting out of shame and guilt.

I realize I covered several topics in this post. If clarification is required do not hesitate to point it out to me. I probably should have posted the topics singularly. I went from emotional rollercoaster to anger, infidelity and healing, to a warning about rugsweeping. My goal is to help you heal and point out potential pitfalls as you navigate your way in this most difficult time in your life.

Please note:
He must do the work if you and him are to have the marriage both of you deserve.

Many relationships on SI have healed and been better than the original marriage. There is no reason yours cannot as well.

We will be with you as you journey out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:11 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

Ripped62 posted 8/26/2018 14:22 PM

You did an excellent job of digging and finding out the facts regarding your WH's infidelity.

Is he able to talk about what happened?

We do not need the details. You know what information you need to facilitate recovery and healing.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:24 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

Devastatedwifey posted 8/26/2018 14:40 PM

Ripped62, we talk about it, but he doesn't want it to be the only thing we talk about. I expressed to him that this is the only thing I can think about right now. It's starting to effect my everyday life. I'm forgetting things, kids appointments, work is slipping. I signed up for my first class to work on my Master's degree and haven't been able to complete one assignment the class ends in 2 weeks.

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