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Overwhelmed and Lost

Lostlove11 posted 8/25/2018 16:55 PM

I donít know where to begin so I will start at the beginning a year ago now. My husband and I were going through a rough patch. I was holding everything in, not dealing with my feelings and my husband was out drinking and not coming home. Things finally came to a head one ďdate nightĒ. He left me at a party at his bosses house and came home 24hrs later. At this time he thought it was best we have some space. In the moment I thought he might be right. It all happened very quickly within two days he rented a place. It was summer so we were going to wait until our daughter was off to her grandparents for a few weeks to take the break. I fought it. I begged him not to go. Told him it didnít feel right. Told him in no way was this a ďhall passĒ situation. I remember feeling like shit even saying that but felt it needed to be said. I was suspecting an affair but couldnít believe that he would do that. The plan was a month. A month turned into 5. He came home when he felt like it. Would come home if only to eat dinner and leave once our daughter was in bed. He wouldnít talk to me much. He wouldnít cancel is rental even though we couldnít afford to be running two households. I finally took control of the situation and moved him home and canceled the rental. Our 10 year anniversary was a week later. We were booked for a trip to Maui for two weeks which is where we got married, we cancelled it. I was devestated. As time went on he drank more, always mean to me, always on his phone, not coming home some nights. The last straw with me was one day in November he came home and did he needed time away to think so he was going to take off for a few days to think. Wouldnít give me any information. I asked if he was going alone...his answer was ďof courseĒ. It didnít feel right. He left on Thursday and never texted me until Saturday to say where he was. I did not reply. Meanwhile I was searching his computer, calling our credit card company looking for clues etc. I found a picture he took of himself...that wasnít sent to me. It was all the proof I needed. I nearly left that weekend. But I didnít have actual confirmation. He got home late the Sunday and I asked home flat out if he was having an affair. His answer ...no. Christmas was a struggle, but in January things started to turn around. He stayed home more, payed more attention to our daughter, put more attention on me. I tried not to wonder why now too much and I went with it. As it seemed like whatever his problem had been maybe he was finally ready to put us back together again. Fast forward to May. I was at work and I had a text from his boss asking me if I wanted to know the truth of him leaving the company to let him know. I was unaware he didnít work there anymore so yes I wanted to know. He then informed me that my husband was having an affair with his ex wife. And in that moment so many things made sense. I was in shock and numb for days. He said he wanted nothing more to be home that the affair was just sex, she meant nothing to him, that the time line was only while he was moved out. I chose to believe him and try and work through things but there was always something in my gut saying something was off. We went away one weekend and it was amazing....perfect. But I wasnít ready to just forgive and forget like he wanted. Two weeks ago I had the feeling in my stomach something was off again. This time I decided to reach out to ďherĒ. We agreed to meet later that day. I sat in her home and let her talk for three hours. I went in with only wanting to know the time line, and if she went away with him. She gave me that and more without me asking. It started before he even moved out. She picked him up from the party mentioned above and they did go away that weekend together. She said he loved her was going to leave me for her on and on. All typical things I am sure. I believe a lot of what she said and some I donít. But I feel better meeting her and being able to fill the blanks that I knew I couldnít move on until I knew.

Now Iím confused and I donít know how to move on. I donít understand when faced with the facts he still Denys the truth. The time line, if he loved her, did you go away together. They still were talking up until two weeks ago. Why? I donít understand. Iím struggling with the whole thing and I donít even know how to take it day by day anymore. I donít feel like he is remorseful or even sorry. When I bring things up he almost gets arrogant which then makes me withdrawal more. He throws things in my fave from when I was 16 years old. Why? That has nothing to do with anything.

Anyway i thought maybe talking with people who are also going through this might help me. I have only told two friends and they are supportive but donít understand what I am going through.

Xoxo

BearlyBreathing posted 8/25/2018 17:58 PM

Hi Lostlove11. Sorry you had to find us.

So first question: Why do you want to be in this marriage? I am not being snarky - he went and test drove someone elseís wife for 5 months, lied to you about his job situation, and treated you and your daughter very very disrespectfully. So why do you want to stay?

He is very much not remorseful - he does not even sound regretful. As you have figured out, you canít fix an M by yourself and he does not seem interested in anything but his own selfish ass.

So.
1) Have you been tested for STDs? Do so, please, ASAP.
2) See a lawyer. See three. Get consultations from them, see what a D will look like and learn what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your daughter financially and legally. Do not let him use up more of your marital assets so he can have a love shack with his bossí wife. Find the best sharks in town.
3) Get yourself in to IC. A good therapist who specializes in infidelity. An IC can help you figure out what you want and how to get your strength up.
4) take care of you. Eat well, drink lots of water, get exercise, get sleep. These will help you mentally, emotionally, physically. Take care of your DD. (Darling daughter).
5) Read in the Healing Library (yellow box upper left) and read about the 180. This will help you get strength and detach from him.

I am sorry. But he is not giving you much to work withó so work on being free of this. This is crazy-making difficult stuff. Take it day-by-day, hour-by-hour, but please do those things to start building strength. He is NOT safe.

Hereís hugs, Lostlove11 >>>>. ((((LostLove11)))). Keep posting. We get it.

burninghouse posted 8/26/2018 12:20 PM

Iím so sorry you have found your way here Lostlove, but you are in a good place for support.

Itís going to be difficult to move on, but like you expressed heís very clearly lying even though you have the facts. Unfortunately his lying is not likely not to change, especially since heís showing zero remorse and appears to be in some pretty deep denial himself.

Iím so sorry. Yours sounds a lot like my STBXH with the drinking, meanness, ups and downs, arrogance, and always with the lying. As you read peoplesí stories here youíll find this is sadly very typical behavior. My thought is that they simply canít or wonít face themselves and the reality of what they are actually doing to you, so they will continue to lie and blameshift to try and justify their hurtful actions. They are also operating on some pretty heavy neurochemicals, and it can be very much like trying to get an addict to be honest and to reason with you. Itís an ugly situation all around, and it all falls under this giant umbrella of gas-lighting which is simply refusing to acknowledge the facts yet taking everything out on you, blaming you, making you into the bad guy, and refusing to see their own highly destructive behavior, etc. Itís so cowardly and crazy-making. Itís the most painful kind of betrayal there is. My heart goes out to you Lostlove.

His arrogance and bringing things up from the past is part of the blameshifting, making it your fault, but you must understand that NONE of this is your fault. Sure there were issues in the marriage (what marriage doesnít have issues?) but you did not choose to deceive and betray your spouse in such a hurtful way. He chose this, you did not!

The only thing you can do is to save yourself and implement whatís called the 180. Basically it's setting up strong boundaries and going as no-contact as possible. You have a daughter so no-contact might not be 100% do-able, but please look at the articles in the Healing Library to help you with this. BearlyBreathing has given some great advice, too.

I know how difficult this is, but we are here for you. I will echo what BearlyBreathing said that you must free yourself of this situation and try to take things day-by-day. It can get very overwhelming. Your whole life has been turned upside down, and itís both devastating and crazy-making on top of all that. Please keep posting here and asking questions. Weíre here for you Lostlove! Sending you much love and strength.

BellaLee posted 8/27/2018 17:53 PM

I am so sorry that you have had to experience this betrayal and it's sad that your husband is not remorse for the hurt he has caused. I just want to encourage you to remember that your husband's action is not your fault. You are certainly worthy of true love that can be trusted. Sending you hugs and strength for the future.

unsure73 posted 8/28/2018 02:41 AM

you are worthy of love and if its not with him then theres someone else waiting for the treasure that is you...theres someone out there for you... myself..im coming to realize this..you are worthy of respect and love from whatever your life brings you next...I know or am realizing that maybe the person you know and trusted and thought you knew isn't that person at all, but someone you don't recognize...I still feel the need to be a husband but after weighing all the facts im doubting my feelings...im new here so take what I say the way you want...its a 100% or nothing right? we are still working with me doing 90% of the leg work....this sucks sorry youre here

unsure73 posted 8/28/2018 02:41 AM

you are worthy of love and if its not with him then theres someone else waiting for the treasure that is you...theres someone out there for you... myself..im coming to realize this..you are worthy of respect and love from whatever your life brings you next...I know or am realizing that maybe the person you know and trusted and thought you knew isn't that person at all, but someone you don't recognize...I still feel the need to be a husband but after weighing all the facts im doubting my feelings...im new here so take what I say the way you want...its a 100% or nothing right? we are still working with me doing 90% of the leg work....this sucks sorry youre here

Lostlove11 posted 9/11/2018 21:32 PM

Thank you BearlyBreathing for your response. Sorry for my late reply. I wasn't quite ready to start replying it would seem.

We have been together for 20+ years and I want to make sure "if" I walk away it is the right decision. I didn't want to make that decision based on high emotions. I nearly left once when I figured I knew what was going on but didn't leave then because I didn't know for sure.

I'm not ready to give up on my marriage. It means a lot to me. It was something I was very proud of at one time. I know people can work through this and I don't want to give up until I know I have done everything I could to make it work.

That being said it is a struggle. And the past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Something isn't sitting right and I'm not 100% sure what that is yet. I sometimes wonder if I am being true to myself if I stay. I know I 100% deserve better, and I didn't deserve what happened to me. I just don't know how to move on from it. And maybe that's because I'm not quite ready to do so. It gets so confusing and overwhelming and when you think you are doing ok...something very little brings the reality of it all back.

I was seeing a therapist weekly for a year while all this was going on and well before I found out. She was a life saver. I'm now on a call if I need to basis which I did a couple weeks ago as I felt I was going out of control.

Day by Day is my new motto.
Thank you
XOXO

Lostlove11 posted 9/11/2018 21:36 PM

Thank you everyone else for your encouragement.

This 180 has been mentioned a few times. I must read up on this.

I think I will take some time to read through the forums. But I find that gets really overwhelming as well.

Thanks again.

Momo24 posted 9/12/2018 15:01 PM

Sorry Lost you found yourself here, but you will find alot of support and information to help. The ride isn't easy.
Several things to realize: Do what is best for YOU, your marriage is dead, you can't fix him, and cheaters all lie, minimize, and blameshift. He is the one who killed the marriage by his choices.
Read as much as you can it helps. Keep posting. Unfortunately, you only know a portion on what is and what happened.

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