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Support and Where to go from here?Advice

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allthefeels5050 posted 9/5/2018 11:59 AM

It was recommended that I repost here from another site. Just overwhelmed right now honestly.

I've (31M) been married to wife (30F) for 11 years and we've been together for over 13 now. My wife does not work over the summer with her job so she has had more time to spend with the kids(2) and do other fun activities. I want her to be happy so I'm pretty cool with her doing whatever within reason. She got a pretty cool/edgy(lol) haircut, her nails did, goes out with her work girlfriends, etc. She also purchased some concert tickets for a at a music venue that was a few hours away so that she could go with a long time girlfriend that was going to be in the area. The plan was for my wife to go to the concert, stay at her siblings house afterward then drive home the next day. There wasn't much wiggle room because the day after this was our daughters birthday party that we would need to travel for as well. The day after the concert, I don't hear much from my wife until the evening when she tells me she decided to stay an extra night. Apparently she had been chatting with a guy she knew from back in high school for a few weeks and it was earlier this day that she decidedly chose to shack up with them at a nearby hotel. Also this may be tmi, but while that frequency of our sex has sometimes been at issue, the quality never has and we just had amazing sex the day before she left for the concert. In fact to put in bluntly she would say that's the only thing I'm good at.

Jump forward a couple days and she starts filling me in on what happened. She doesn't excuse the cheating, but the reasoning behind it was that I was cold, distant, and controlling. The affair partner was there for her emotionally when I haven't been. I left for a few days to rap my head around everything since my world just came crashing down and it honestly felt like I was going to die. I've always loved my wife and never wanted to treat her poorly, but somehow I treated her so bad that she felt cheating was the only way? I have always been a pretty dry person both emotionally and with my humor so I suppose I do come across and cold/distant, idk. So I did some self reflection. I've worked my butt off to get our family as far as it has gotten. We moved 3 hours away from what I've known all of my life to give one of my children the proper schooling due to his medical needs, I was somehow able to afford a family car that my wife wanted and the perfect home for us as well and we always have food on the table. After further inspection into my own issues, I have been dealing with what I thought was a heart condition, chronic back pain, and the list goes on. So I spent time going to the doctor to get myself figured out. Turns out my heart condition has actually been panic attacks, I have acute kidney failure, spinal arthritis, as well as additional crap going. Apparently I spent so much time just caring about taking care of my family that I'm literally killing myself and I am a mess, lol.

Jump forward a week or so and my wife has this epiphany that if I'm all in then she's all in. But that caveat is that she no longer feels love for me anymore so I need to get her to love me again?

Need any more info let me know. marital counseling is #soon.


TLDR: Wife cheated, why you do dis?


Update: Just had first marriage counseling session tonight. So far it is my fault for neglecting my wife. I also found that the emotional affair lasted 2 months before the physical part.

Update 9/6: Thank you so much for all of the support everyone. I really just means so much right now. I would definitely say that I am dealing with an unremorseful wife right now. She'll say she's sorry that she hurt me, sorry that I'm in pain. She's said that she felt ashamed after she was physically with the AP. But she's always buried in her phone or some other distraction, all of her online accounts are now on lockdown from me of course so I can know nothing. Everything she says about us is negative and all of our "good times" have always been bittersweet because something bad happened right before or right after. To her right now MC represents covering the bases before divorce. And of course I've been the puppy dog with the "pick me" dance since this all went down trying to fix everything that she said I did to create this mess. As of yesterday I've been really trying the 180 and its so tough when you've loved someone this long, but I'm doing the best that I can. I've already found her reaching out to touch me at times as we still share the same bed(though I gently pull away) or ask me whats wrong, or the most popular lately "I know you want to talk about something, what is it". She's been currently messaging me all morning. "So you seem down and just want you to know that I do notice". "I wish there was something I could do but I know I'm the cause". "Are you avoiding me? I just need to know like...What are we doing? Is this a space thing?". Not sure how to respond to that last one. I just said No, I'm good.

Quck additional: My wife just message that my daughter would like all of us to go out for dinner because its my birthday. Yes its my birthday, what awesome timing. Anyway, my wife said so we'll all be going. Should I let my wife know that I don't mind just taking the kids, or should I just go with the flow here? I think my daughter wanted all of us.

[This message edited by allthefeels5050 at 8:00 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

DIFM posted 9/5/2018 12:25 PM

5050, the very first thing you must embrace and commit yourself to is the fact and truth that you had absolutely nothing to do with her affair. Her cheating was a 100% choice on her part. No matter what reasons she may gives, every one of those reasons had a different option she could have chosen, but she, and she alone chose to betray you and your M.

At this point, you do not have a Marriage issue to work on, you have a cheater and infidelity that has to be addressed. To cheat, to betray, to disregard boundaries in such a deeply hurtful way means she has serious issues of her own that she must work on to explore and fix. She is broken. Not you. No matter how you may have done things in your M "better" or differently, this is not about that.

You may have felt your own frustration over your M or your wife and could have chosen to use it as an excuse to betray and manipulate and cheat. You did not. She killed the M you are in. To reconcile, a new M has to be rebuilt and she has to prove she is safe and can be trusted. She clearly has no idea of the depth of what she has done and the trauma you are and will be facing for likely years to come.

You don't need MC right now, she needs IC, and maybe you do to to help you decide what is best to do and how.

Don't let yourself fall for her desire to rug sweep and move beyond her cheating and straight to how you need to fix the M. That will NOT work. She is unsafe. You feel that reality. She does not see it. Have her read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Stay strong. You area NOT NOT NOT to blame for any of this. She needs to come to a place that she realizes it was all her choice, it was a terribly traumatic and painful betrayal, and she needs to embrace empathy, contrition, and remorse or it will only get worse, not better.

I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. You have many experience friends and supporters here.

Butforthegrace posted 9/5/2018 12:26 PM

Your WW is full of shit. Your MC is full of shit. At this point, MC is a complete waste of time and you should discontinue it.

Basically, your wife divorced you unilaterally, and is now trying to force you to change as a condition to taking you back.

Dude, you've been together 13 years. Whatever personality picadillies you may have, she is intimately familiar with. You being withdrawn or reserved has nothing to do with the fact that she rekindled an old flame and fucked him. She is cake-eating, plain and simple.

I'd suggest creating as much distance from her as possible. Go to the healing library (top left of this page). Read about The 180. The HARD 180. Put it into practice.

You cannot win if you engage in the "pick-me dance". I hear you going down the path toward that dance. Back up and regain your dignity.

Good luck.

mouthkeptshut posted 9/5/2018 12:32 PM

She has it backwards. She needs to show you that she is all in. From your account you didn’t even know there was an issue, and without first trying to address the issue like an adult she cheats on you and then tries to make you out to be the bad guy? Come on.

DesertLily posted 9/5/2018 12:41 PM

The affair is NOT your fault. And if your MC stated that, don't go back.

Your WW is using a classic cheater move, blaming you for her character flaws. It's called blameshifting. Cheater Hanbook 101; when caught, blame your spouse for not giving you enough attention, sex, money, etc.

The truth is she cheated because she's a broken, selfish person, and because she wanted to. She's so selfish and wanted to screw someone else so much that she ditched her own child's birthday party.

Before you can fix the M, she needs to fix her. Read up in the Healing Library. Pay special attention to the 180 and Boundaries and Consequences.

You might also consider getting yourself into therapy. Just you. If your WW is telling you that all your good for is sex, she's abusive. Figure out what it is in you that has allowed you to put up with that bull.

Look, we've all been where you're at: on the receiving end of adultery. It's a horrible place to be. I know you're hurting, and I'm so very sorry.

Some BHs will be along and will give you better advice from a man's perspective. Listen to them, heed their advice. They've already navigated down this road and can help point you in the right direction.

I'm sending you strength and peace across the ether. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by DesertLily at 12:43 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

xhz700 posted 9/5/2018 12:53 PM

Apparently I spent so much time just caring about taking care of my family that I'm literally killing myself and I am a mess, lol.

I'd give you a hug except we'd both hurt our backs...

This is not on you. Stop going to the MC immediately. The others that have posted are right on the money. If you don't stand up for yourself, and you accept her reasons and rugsweep this affair, you will just do it all over again.

40YOSL posted 9/5/2018 13:01 PM

Please DO NOT go to MC first. That will be a waste of money! She needs to first understand and agree that her cheating had Nothing to do with the state of your marriage but it is 100% on her. Until she understands and agrees to that she will try to use the problems in the marriage as justification for the A. She will use MC to blame you for causing her to cheat and then the next time she cheats she will simply blame you & your M problems again.

She needs IC to understand that the reason she cheated was that she wanted to and she felt entitled to do so. Until she get help her wayward thoughts will doom your M. Once she understands the problem is her and starts working to fix herself then you can start MC and work on M problems.

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/5/2018 13:28 PM

I agree with all of above posters. She should be pleading and doing everything to prove to you she is worthy. Not the other way around. Do not let her manipulate you. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, you will regret it forever

Lalagirl posted 9/5/2018 13:56 PM

Read Butforthegrace's post over and over.

OMG, I am so ANGRY FOR YOU!!

I've worked my butt off to get our family as far as it has gotten. We moved 3 hours away from what I've known all of my life to give one of my children the proper schooling due to his medical needs, I was somehow able to afford a family car that my wife wanted and the perfect home for us as well and we always have food on the table. After further inspection into my own issues, I have been dealing with what I thought was a heart condition, chronic back pain, and the list goes on. So I spent time going to the doctor to get myself figured out. Turns out my heart condition has actually been panic attacks, I have acute kidney failure, spinal arthritis, as well as additional crap going. Apparently I spent so much time just caring about taking care of my family that I'm literally killing myself and I am a mess, lol.

Allow me to chide you just a little: You have educated your WW on how you are to be treated and she's taken that ball down 100 yards for the goal, HER goal. HER narrative. What does allthefeels get?

You need to reverse the dynamic or it's going to kill you. No joke. You're a father, and self-care is paramount right now.

Screw MC - get into IC (if she wants IC, she can book her own damn appointment). IC will help you cope with the abuse you've had to endure. Implement the 180 (in the Healing Library - upper left-hand corner of this page) and read, read, read in that Healing Library. Eat. Hydrate. Go to your doctor and get STD tested and something to calm those frazzled nerves. Get a massage. Get you back so you can be the best daddy for your little girl.

I'm not going to advise you to D, R, or S. I am advising you to practice self-care so you can make a healthy decision one way or the other at any point in time.

Sending you strength & peace...keep posting; we will help you through this shitstorm.

ohforanewme posted 9/5/2018 14:24 PM

Hi allthefeels

I am going to keep this short.

Please read and internalize what everyone has posted, but especially waitedwaytoolong. Why, well he and I are sharing hard learned experience

Then,

Stop MC NOW! Stop MC now! Stop MC now.

Start IC now!

I was cajoled into MC very early on. Sounds as bad as what yours is. It could kill you.

Find an IC that specialises in both trauma and infidelity.

Will come back and share more later.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 2:58 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 9/5/2018 17:22 PM

Playing the "pick me dance" will make this worse for you.

Mene posted 9/5/2018 17:36 PM

What a bitch!

Stop MC now! The marriage counselor is an idiot and will ruin you and your marriage if you want to save it. Seek another one.

The affair is not your fault. The fault lies with your wife who needs serious IC work. What a conniving woman she is!

40YOSL posted 9/5/2018 19:29 PM

If the MC said WW cheating was your fault then make that the last session of MC with that dumb ass! That MC knows nothing about infidelity. As I previously said, Stop the MC & she must first go to IC & make progress understanding that the BIG problem is with her!!

You were in the same marriage & you didn't cheat. There is never any justification for cheating. If there are problems in the marriage you communicate with your spouse, if that doesn't work then you try MC, if that doesn't work then perhaps trying a trial separation where you both remain faithful to your vows. If that doesn't work & you've tried everything else then you might decide to divorce. Cheating never helps the marriage it will only harm or destroy it!

WilliamM posted 9/5/2018 20:23 PM

End the counseling. It may be wise to have her leave the house. File for divorce and see how she reacts to it. The affair is 100% on her. Don't allow her to blame shift. Yell her family what she did. She needs to be shocked back to reality. Blow up her world.

ChamomileTea posted 9/5/2018 20:34 PM

I'm going to be blunt with you. It's the JFO forum and we all know how shocked and confused you must be. But here's the deal... if you don't get her respect and keep it, she'll betray you again and again until she finally flakes for good.

See an attorney ASAP. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Read, read, read in The Healing Library. Understand the 180 and implement it. Your WW needs to KNOW in her heart of hearts that you're not going to tolerate betrayal.

MC is for fixing marriages. Your marriage didn't cheat. Your wife did. SHE is the one who needs fixing. Cheating isn't a marital problem. It's a character problem. If you entertain reconciliation at all, it needs to be by YOUR rules and standards. Not hers. Consider what YOU need to continue on in the marriage. Those are your boundaries. Bottom line, she needs to be the one pursuing you, not the other way around. And if she won't... you find out now instead of years and decades from now.

You're still a young man. You've got a whole life ahead of you to make into anything you want. Don't spend it kowtowing to a cheating woman.

Strength to you.

NoOptTo posted 9/6/2018 01:49 AM

AF 5050,

I'm glad you made it here to SI. I was one of the people who suggested you one here from the other site using a different name. Your going to get a lot of advice here. So 2x4s when we see your doing something that will not aid you in getting out of infidelity. Tbe people here here have walked this walk before you. Let our experiences help guide you. As I said on the other site, she has to be having you for reconciliation. She is the damaged goods. You kept your vows. MC is useless. Most MC promotes rugsweeping the facts to save a marriage. You need her to be accountable for her actions. She needs IC to find her causes. Until she fi do her short comings as a person and starts to fix herself, there will only be a false R. As if now she wants to blameshift you.

Take action. Stop MC, see lawyer and learn about D. Knowledge is power. You do not need to make a decision at this time but with the knowledge it gives you power of knowing what is involved in either path R or D. Please continue posting here with updates. We will help you through this.

jesebeard posted 9/6/2018 03:18 AM

5050, the very first thing you must embrace and commit yourself to is the fact and truth that you had absolutely nothing to do with her affair. Her cheating was a 100% choice on her part. No matter what reasons she may gives, every one of those reasons had a different option she could have chosen, but she, and she alone chose to betray you and your M.

Exactly. You don't have to blame yourself for what happened. Even though your neglecting her somewhat clouded her decisions but still, it's her choice of betraying her partner.

ShutterHappy posted 9/6/2018 05:39 AM

The problem is that you have a unremorseful wife. She should be devastated seeing the amount of pain she has caused you but this is not happening.

I suspect that you (1) are in a lot of pain, (2) love your wife very much and (3) want to fix things as quickly as possible and make all this go away.

You must turn you pain (1) into anger. How dare she hurt you like this? It’s totally unacceptable.Turn your “I feel pain” into “she is hurting me”, I won’t accept this. If it had been your daughter posting your story, what would you tell her?

The good people in SI tell you to do 180 because of (2). Not to punish or manipulate your wife but for you to detach. This is very hard but you need to do this for your own sake.

You can’t (R)econcile (3) with an unremorseful spouse.

I do not wish you luck, I wish you strength. Post often!

Lalagirl posted 9/6/2018 05:47 AM

Cheating isn't a marital problem. It's a character problem

Wow. This is SO true!

How are you doing today, allthefeels? I know it's a lot to take in and you're already in so much pain. Please know we care and we have "been there, done that" - so we are just trying to spare you more pain, which in your case means being swift and decisive and educating your WW on what you will and will not tolerate.

Edited to add - hate to belabor this - but NO MORE MC!

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 5:47 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 9/6/2018 08:10 AM

Your WW is not even remorseful and has an active A, her phone and passwords are off limits to you, that means she's still in contact with OM(s), right now you're not even plan B to her.

File for D without warning and have her served, it takes a long time and you can stop it before it's final IF she comes back, agrees to NC FOREVER with AP, agrees to FULL transparency and on demand access to her phone and ALL electronic devices and passwords, agrees to IC and signs a Postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, that means if she cheats again in the future, you file for D and take her to the cleaners. If filing for D doesn't shock her back to reality nothing will, then just let the D process run its course, get out of infidelity and your life back.

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