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End of day four of D-Day take 2

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Brokenhearttake2 posted 9/5/2018 22:19 PM

I'm not sure if my story is the most traumatic event of my life or when my mother passed when I was 9. Here it is: Four days ago I found a memory stick belonging to WS. I saw hundreds of pictures of attractive women, half naked, naked, not naked, etc. Along with that were videos of him and at least 3 different females actually having sex, oh and myself as well. There was audio as well so not only do I have those images in my head, but also the words , breathing, etc from WS and OW. I canít get the images out of my head. It is hell, it is torturous. I have not yet cried, but the tears will come I know. For some reason, I want to watch those videos again, and I donít know why. Why would I? How do I erase what I have seen? It makes me nauseated and in 4 days I have lost 5 pounds-on a small frame. I feel intense rage, to where I want to contact these individuals (on video one from his high school whoís info I located) and just scream at her. From the dates on the files, one was as recent as 2 weeks ago with someone that I believe to be a one-night stand/weathered bar fly/prostitute? (pictures and sex video). Itís just disgusting!!!!! We went out that very next evening and had a nice time, not great, but nice. Exactly how and is it really even possible to get over seeing images such as these?? How can I ever, ever have sex again with him without those images in detail popping into my head? One part of me especially reading the repeat offender stories, thinks, this could never be good. It could never work out. The other part of my still has an extremely small flicker of hope which is being distinguished as the days pass. Back to the disk-other dates ranged mostly back in 2014-2015. When confronted, WS flat out said impossible and denied it and then when I specifically asked about the most recent video he said that the date was wrong and that was long ago or something like that. I don't think creation dates on files can change, but not sure. I am 99% sure it was recent because of the date coinciding with him not being home that night and other factors I figured out from watching the videos. I thought that we were on the road to recovery and communication. We had been in MC, and he in IC, after the last D-day in 2014, when I discovered he'd emailing women explicitly sexual writings, one a mom and family friend we vacationed with. Another that I actually found a letter from her saying to leave her alone. WS is outgoing, has good personality, and always can find something to complement a person on. If Iím around he is not so flirty, but I have seen numerous texts, FB instant messages, all very suggestive. Sometimes I think that he is a predator, seeing who will take his bait. There are so many OW that are needy of being complemented, paid attention to, and he fits that bill. Back in 2014 other things were discovered including what I thought at the time emotional affairs, now who knows what those were and what else I didn't discover then. For the last 4 days I've been functioning but in a state of shock and rage. I know I need to eat, drink water, exercise, pray, etc. and am doing the best I can. I go through fits of feeling uncontrollably afraid, panicky and impatient (I JUST snapped at both of my teenage sons, who both interrupted me writing this-Iím normally a very calm mom). I don't want to get a divorce, but I also don't want to live this way. We have 3 teenage kids that look up to him. WS IS a good father, who actively takes part in their lives. WS and I relationship had been better than it had in the past, but was still strained on my part due to still the lack of trust-I recall in July finally beginning to feel loving feelings towards him again (this after 4 years of not really feeling that). But, I also had much frustration he was out of a job, and the lack of enough income was taking a toll. He landed a great job just 2 1/2 weeks ago. I was elated to receive the good news, so happy one day, and then the next day, I discovered he had set up a profile on a dating website. He said that was nothing and he knew it was wrong, but did like the attention he got, but did not intend to meet anyone. After seeing the disk, I see he would have been at least seeking a naked selfie sent to him. After all the crap that took place prior to D-Day 2014, I made changes myself trying to be a better, more attentive wife, because that is what he said led him away from me. That and his feeling he walked 24/7 on eggshells around me (itís true-we owned a business that wasnít doing well and I was stressed and angry a lot). It is very obvious to me now that he is a sex addict and functioning alcoholic. He is excessively needy-I have no idea why he is so unsecure. With all that said though, I just canít accept the thought of not being married to him. I guess I don't want to be alone. Been married 23 years. I have very supportive friends that I can talk to. It makes me feel very rejected and depressed of him actually saying ok, letís call it quits (he hasnít said this yet-we have not had a chance to talk it all through after the D-Day 4 days ago, because he is training at his job 1 Ĺ hrs away-during training period, heís renting rooms-yes, confirmed. The thought of him starting a new life with someone else makes me feel incredibly depressed. I'm just so afraid it's pathetic. I'm beginning to go from shock to just depression. I donít want to be depressed. I just want to wake up and see this was all a bad dream, but it is not. It is now my life. Yes, I am looking for an IC. I am also going to open my own bank account, and consult with an attorney just because it is suggested in the hard-180. But, I am just so very, very sad. Any support/suggestions/comments would be appreciated.

BearlyBreathing posted 9/6/2018 02:35 AM

Hello BHT2, i am so sorry you are here.
Wow. That stick drive was awful.

Please drink protein shakes or whatever you can manage, and drink lots of water. The infidelity diet is effective.

Please also get tested for STDs. And talk to your doctor about anxiety or sleeping aids of you need them.

WS is NOT a good father. He has damaged you- the mother of his children. You are suffering because he is selfish jerk. Not a good father. How msmy lies has he told them? By endangering your health how is he being a good parent. And what type of husband is he modeling for his sons?
And obviously he has been a horrible husband. But he IS a good liar. And it was never ever because of you. The affairs are 100% all about him and his shitty coping or FOO or all of the above. But not your fault. Not at all. You were in thd same marriage and didnít cheat.

Please take time to think this through. Do get IC - that will help you understand why is this is currently acceptable to you.(and yes, you will feel differently every few hours / the roller coaster is real.
He needs IC- one who is csa certified or specialist- any cheater cannot just be labeled a sex addict. If you try to R, he will need YEARS of work.

I understand your fear- i was married 25 years. But you WILL be okay and you csn survive divorce and find a trustworthy man who brings peace in uour life.

Others will be by in the morning with more advice. Meanwhile, i offer cuber hugs ((((hugs)))) and let you know you are not alone.

Everychance posted 9/6/2018 02:56 AM

Brokenheart I'm so sorry you have to go through this all over again. He does seem to have an addiction and needs therapy, that is the first step regardless if you R or D.
You are bottling this up and need to have a good cry or scream or whatever it is that will make you feel better, the fact you say yelling at the kids is not usual as you are a calm mom indicates you need to release the anger and frustration. Just do it.
I know it is so hard to drink and eat but your body needs nourishment and try to focus on you for now it will help you get through this a little easier.
You have done nothing wrong, you gave him a second chance and tried to mend your own ways. You deserve a safe partner and he has to prove he wants to be a safe partner.
I wonder if you could try to think of the conditions you would put in place if you were to R such as start therapy, no dating sites etc. What is it you need him to do to make you consider R? Write them down. Then tell him what your conditions would be in order to R. I took my time to consider my WH's response. Remember you do not have to make any decision in a hurry. He is the one that needs to be honest and decide what he values.

AS far as being a good father, well you can only be responsible for your own behavior and he has to take responsibility for his actions and if that includes his betrayal well so be it. Children will always love their parents, my grown children are extremely disappointed in their father for what he did but they still love him.
The fact you have been married 23 years means he does value the marriage, it would have been easier for him to leave but he didn't.
In a way that is the part I struggle with. I mean if he was so bloody keen have sex with another woman he should have had the decency to leave first. Its crap but like you, I had been married for more than 20 years when the first Dday happened, there is so much invested in the relationship and to walk away without making every effort is much easier said than done.
Time will help and your gut feelings will guide you better than anything in the world. When my WH said sorry I knew it was a very genuine apology, women have an amazing instinct, just believe in yourself.
You will survive infidelity we all do. Sending you big hugs (((o)))

Everychance posted 9/6/2018 02:56 AM

Brokenheart I'm so sorry you have to go through this all over again. He does seem to have an addiction and needs therapy, that is the first step regardless if you R or D.
You are bottling this up and need to have a good cry or scream or whatever it is that will make you feel better, the fact you say yelling at the kids is not usual as you are a calm mom indicates you need to release the anger and frustration. Just do it.
I know it is so hard to drink and eat but your body needs nourishment and try to focus on you for now it will help you get through this a little easier.
You have done nothing wrong, you gave him a second chance and tried to mend your own ways. You deserve a safe partner and he has to prove he wants to be a safe partner.
I wonder if you could try to think of the conditions you would put in place if you were to R such as start therapy, no dating sites etc. What is it you need him to do to make you consider R? Write them down. Then tell him what your conditions would be in order to R. I took my time to consider my WH's response. Remember you do not have to make any decision in a hurry. He is the one that needs to be honest and decide what he values.

AS far as being a good father, well you can only be responsible for your own behavior and he has to take responsibility for his actions and if that includes his betrayal well so be it. Children will always love their parents, my grown children are extremely disappointed in their father for what he did but they still love him.
The fact you have been married 23 years means he does value the marriage, it would have been easier for him to leave but he didn't.
In a way that is the part I struggle with. I mean if he was so bloody keen have sex with another woman he should have had the decency to leave first. Its crap but like you, I had been married for more than 20 years when the first Dday happened, there is so much invested in the relationship and to walk away without making every effort is much easier said than done.
Time will help and your gut feelings will guide you better than anything in the world. When my WH said sorry I knew it was a very genuine apology, women have an amazing instinct, just believe in yourself.
You will survive infidelity we all do. Sending you big hugs (((o)))

Embracingfuture posted 9/6/2018 03:03 AM

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm 3 weeks out from 1 discovery and 4 days from the other discovery. Its hard. One minute I know I will be fine and the next I'm crying my eyes out. Please read the 180 articles. I'm going to implement that as my WS is moving out. Just cant be in the same house and work on this. Which is crazy to even try. I think loneliness is driving us both to stay attached. We need to face our fears. We will survive. Good luck.

Me: 47
WS: 45
M: 20 years
DDay: 2008, 8/14/18 and 9/1/18

Smillie posted 9/6/2018 04:12 AM

Do not give him back the thumb drive. Ever! I think you should consult with a divorce attorney. I also think you should expose him to family and friends. The onus should be on him to fix everything. I honestly donít see the point, but, each to their own. He sounds like a predator to me. Thank God he is nowhere near my girlfriend.

[This message edited by Smillie at 4:12 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

jb3199 posted 9/6/2018 06:10 AM

I wouldn't be surprised if you are moving straight from shock to depression. It is good that you are self-aware of this happening. IC should be at the top of your agenda.


You need to focus on emotional detachment. If you stick around, you will see the term '180' being used all over the place. What you will discover is that it is a bunch of guidelines.....basically a tool.....to help you put some emotional distance between you and your WH....which is absolutely necessary for your recovery.


A good start to this is to NOT FOCUS ON HIM. Don't engage in normal chit-chat. Don't discuss marriage counseling. Don't take any of his bait to engage you--i.e. arguments, as it will do nothing more than suck you back into the drama that you so desperately want to get out of. As you focus on YOUR issues at hand---physical self-care, seeing MORE THAN ONE LAWYER to learn what your true legal/financial rights are, etc.....you will start to remove that impending feeling of doom and gloom. Do not rely on your WH for your happiness.


He hasn't made any real efforts to better himself from his first discoveries. Sure, he may have done the superficial work, but any hard work on sobriety(something I have some knowledge about)? Open communication with you? Any attempts to control his sexual deviances? Because that is what they are....they were saved for his pleasure, and kept as a secret.


He's not leaving you much here to work with, other than you love him, share children, and have a history. But his recent past, his current, and his future all are pointing in a path that you do not want to go down. Huge, and I mean HERCULEAN efforts need to be made by him to want to be a better person. You deserve no less.

PieceByPeace posted 9/6/2018 16:32 PM

Wow! Our stories are similar and I am so incredibly sorry you are dealing with a WS. Ugh...I really hated reading your post because it sounded so similar to my own life. Especially the part about him being a functioning alcoholic. I always saw my WS as a functioning alcoholic but never heard anyone use that term before until now. He was also a serial denier...he never admitted to anything. Always had a lame excuse for everything which frustrated the you know what out of me. But, enough about them...let's talk about you.

Take care of yourself. Force yourself to eat and exercise, even if it's just a slow walk. I lost weight as well so I understand how difficult it is because the depression makes you not hungry. Talk to your doctor if you have to, but you need to be healthy. Be the best mom you can be to your kids but recognize when you need a break and take one before things get out of control. And if they do, forgive yourself. It happens. Apologize to your kids, they will still love you.

You are going through a very traumatic and life changing event so treat it as such. Seek counseling and surround yourself with people who will build you up and not tear you down. Look for a support group (churches are a great place to start) or start one of your own cause there's a lot of us out there. I told another BS the same thing today. I also shared this wonderful resource I recently discovered. https://beyondaffairs.com/affair-recovery/ It's full of so much information that is vital to your healing. I'm so grateful for resources like these to help people like us.

Focus on yourself and your children right now and in time I think you will know what to do with your marriage. This may require a trial separation so be prepared for that. Just know that you are not alone in this and there is hope for healing no matter what happens to your marriage. Love and hugs to you!!!

mharris posted 9/6/2018 19:40 PM

He is going to try to sweet talk you into destroying your evidence, then he will try to convince you, and everyone else that you didn't see what you saw. DO NOT EVER GET RID OF IT. Even if you never do anything with it, keep it for your own sanity. Hide it well. Make copies if you can.

Ripped62 posted 9/6/2018 21:41 PM

I am sorry for the pain and trauma your wayward husband has brought into your life. At this stage just breathe and take care of your basic needs.

One thing I suggest is that you make 2 copies of the thumb drive as evidence. Please secure the thumb drives where your husband cannot get to them such as at a bank safe deposit box or other location(s) where only you can get to them.

The evidence should prevent abusive actions such as lying, minimization, and manipulation to hide his cheating if your spouse remains in the wayward mindset and does not show signs of regret or remorse.

There are two paths out of infidelity. One is reconciliation and the other is divorce. If you ultimately decide to divorce the thumb drive will prove valuable as evidence to establish grounds and in settlement. This is a choice you do not have to make right now. I suggest you allow the initial shock and trauma to pass before you decide which path is what is right for you.

Please note that your husband has a tremendous amount of work to do if he is to become a safe spouse. Whether he will choose to or is capable of doing the work is not known to us. You will have to make this evaluation.

At some point you may wish to speak with an attorney to ascertain what the ramifications of divorce would be for you.

I suggest you discuss the physical and emotional health effects you are having with a physician. I would also make an appointment with an individual counselor to help you process the trauma.

Please focus on your immediate needs until you have stabilized.

We will be with you as you heal and journey out of infidelity.

My thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:42 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Brokenhearttake2 posted 9/6/2018 22:08 PM

Thank you all for your replies. I had a very busy day and looked forward to logging in at the end of the day. So far I have contacted an IC, will make appt tomorrow. I'm opening up my own bank account tomorrow. A friend just referred me to a lawyer, and I got an order for blood work to test for STD's. In response to KEEP THE DATA STICK, ALWAYS, yes I intend to do so. I already made a copy of it. I actually had an appetite today, so ate. I'm a runner and had been in a particularly motivated time period, so I am exercising. I saw my father in law tonight and told him that his son has been having affairs for years and that I have hard physical (wow, no pun intended)proof. WS will never convince me that I did not see what I saw on those videos---so f-ing disgusting. FIL was very disappointed in his son to say the least. I was worried to say anything to him, but someone in my circle of support who referred me to this site, said that "Afairs only exist in the dark". I thought about that and said what the hell. What is WS going to do? Threaten me? With what? He will probably come home tomorrow evening after being gone all week for job training. I am NOT looking forward to him being here. I should be non-emotional right? I just want to yell and throw this in his face over and over. Ask questions, specifics. I feel obsessive. How should I act? I have said nothing to the kids yet. I need to talk to WS and see what if anything he intends to do. Feeling ok for this moment---that I realize could go the opposite the next moment, or hour from now. I read this and whoever whoever wrote it I love it: If you are going thru hell, keep going. I think that is brilliant. I still would like to hear if anyone has gone through this as in seeing WS in the act and then able to R and resume normal sexual activities. I just can't imagine. Folding his laundry last night, I had to stop because it just disgusted me to touch anything of his.

Hurtmyheart posted 9/7/2018 17:47 PM

Have you looked into Alanon? The meetings helped me immensely. My WH also showed a lot of other women attention when he was drinking and even after he quit, until he was able to think more clearly and realized that what he was doing was so wrong and extremely hurtful. In my WH messed up mind, he thought I was interested in other men and had gone out on him. This is how bad his drinking got.

Alcoholism is a disease of the thought processes. Once the alcoholic quits drinking, it takes a good 1.5 years for their thoughts to become clear again and this is just the beginning. It's a hellish ride. Of course, this involves that they work on themselves and understand why their behavior brought them down this path in the first place. I am not blaming the alcohol because that is just an excuse to justify his actions but I know from experience that people often turn to alcohol because something is not right in their lives or there could be something from his past that he has not dealt with, as in my WH's case. He grew up in a very abusive family. I did too but had better coping skills then my WH did.

You have also been severely traumatized by your WH actions. An Alanon support group could be very beneficial or Celebrate Recovery. Your WH also NEEDS to quit drinking 100% in order for your marriage to have a fighting chance. It is also imperative that he attends AA type meetings and get into IC. Insist on this!

Recovery is a very, very, very long journey. My WH quit drinking three years ago this month. We are still together and doing much better! But if he didn't do the work he needed to do then there would have not been any future for us.

Just to give you an example of what my WH has done and is doing for recovery-quit drinking three years ago, turned his life over to God, worked CR program and we are now in Marriage counseling. I refused marriage counseling up until recently because my WH did TT for a long time and I lost all my trust in him.

I am happy to say that we are on the road to recovery but I will tell you it's been a long, hard road and not for everyone. If I didn't know my WH prior to his alcoholism, I would have dropped him once our world began to fall apart. I now have PTSD and am taking an antidepressant but even that part of my life is improving. I will tell you though, although the true recovery started taking place around 1.5 years ago, I still have really, really bad days. But most of the time, I am happy to have him back in my life as a loving, kind, faithful and sober man.

Please understand that if you choose to go down the R path, it will take both of to give 100% to heal the marriage. If one of you isn't "all in", it won't work.

Brokenhearttake2 posted 9/7/2018 22:36 PM

WS home from being gone all week job training. I froze when he got home. Maybe 5 words said. Now he downstairs, me upstairs. I just donít know how to start whatever conversation. I could really use some advice. Starting to think he probably things whatís the point of this.

Brokenhearttake2 posted 9/7/2018 22:50 PM

Hurtmyheart, yes I do go to alanon meetings and have been ws in my case I believe has a serious sex addiction issue, made worse with alcohol addiction.

Hurtmyheart posted 9/8/2018 02:10 AM

Yes, I agree with you Brokenhearttake2, the alcohol addiction probably does make his SA much worse.

I believe you deserve way better then what your WH has to offer to you. I almost feel like he is blaming his issues on you which completely makes sense, that's what addicts do! Lying and denying is what they do best.

For me, I got to the point where I hit rock bottom and was able to say that I was done with my husband. In fact, my husband was divorcing "me" because I wasn't cooperative with his drinking and abuse anymore!!! Today, my WH is remorseful and sorry for his actions.

You owe your wayward abusive husband nothing, he owes you everything and this is the issue. You don't see this and neither does he. This is why Alanon is so important for you because it teaches us to put the focus back on ourselves. No matter what you do, you can not change your husband, he needs to change himself, if possible. From what I've read, SA is very hard to overcome as well as alcohlism.

Not saying your husband is Bipolar or Narcissistic but I've found from attending the Alanon meetings, it all may go hand-in-hand-alcoholism, SA, Bipolar personality disorder and Narcissism. I know two ladies from Alanon whose husbands had these same traits. They both ended up divorcing their husbands this past year because they could not take dealing with their husbands behaviors. Oh yes, rage was another trait these two husbands had and lots of it.

I hope that I didn't overstep my boundaries by what I'v said to you. My only goal is to help give you clarity and support while you are going through these tough times.

Ripped62 posted 9/8/2018 04:13 AM

The key is going to be is your husband going to get the help he needs to be a safe spouse by addressing his issues regarding sex and his alcohol abuse.

I know this is stating the obvious. But this is what he must do in order to heal himself and be in a state where he can rebuild the marriage.

He needs to see a competent professional for treatment. He should be diagnosed by CSAT for sex addiction. If he is bipolar the medication and treatment available is much better than in the past. Whatever his ultimate diagnosis a psychiatrist and IC may be necessary.

Regarding the disclosure to your father inlaw, I feel that is an excellent decision. Additional disclosure may be necessary for him to get the help he needs i.e. in the form of an intervention if necessary.

You are correct in affairs do not like having light shed on them. They will scatter like vermin when brought out into the open except if he is a sex addict he will not be able to stop but this is a diagnosis that a competent authority must make.

I hope your father inlaw is supportive of your husband and you.

My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time period.

Regarding sex and the relationship, this can be restored with healing and treatment per other members at SI.

Please note that I am not there yet nor do I want to be. My path out of infidelity is divorce. Your path out of infidelity is your choice. Please ensure your husband is doing the work to heal from his addictive behavior and restore the marriage before making your final decision.

You may wish to read the articles regarding boundaries for yourself. I think you need to identify what you are willing to accept and what you will not in order to remain in the marriage.

I suggest you process the pain and trauma before you make such a decision unless he becomes abusive, resists treatment, or infidelity continues.

Finally, never allow him to shift the blame to you. His mutterings are those of a wayward individual with addiction issues based upon your post.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:17 AM, September 8th (Saturday)]

Intown28 posted 9/8/2018 06:08 AM

So sorry you had to see that I also found one of those tapes in my house it was a old gf that he kept in touch with through the whole marriage when I told him not to....the sad part was she didn't know she was being video taped.its very dramatizing I still have the images in my head...be strong and hang in there and try not to monkey brain to much..Stay positive its seems like he is a real number...you will be so much better without him and you deserve so much better.This place is a great support system im sure it will help you push through things

Brokenhearttake2 posted 9/8/2018 07:57 AM

I suggest you process the pain and trauma before you make such a decision unless he becomes abusive, resists treatment, or infidelity continue

I guess I just donít know how to process the pain and trauma. What does that look like? Maybe I am advancing too quickly. I certainly have boundaries in mind but if I canít even talk to him civilly , what do I do? Iím having a hard time being non emotional around him. (Not crying, I still havenít cried since seeing the images now 6 days ago). Last night he just acted like everything was normal around the kids. I donít know how he can put on such a facade. I approached him to talk, but I was hostile and he said we shouldnít talk when both of us have been drinking. He seemed pretty straight, but yes I had had some wine. I just feel kinda lost. ó-regarding disclosing to FIL, yes very supportive. Didnít disclose my exact proof but I think I may today because I think that WH will pass it off that I am overreacting and it was just texts/IMís that I saw which is bullshitóyeah thereís been plenty of that too. Some Iíve seen in recent past, much in the past. This sucks.

Intown28 posted 9/8/2018 10:11 AM

yummm wine lol he is a phony and can put on a faÁade because he doesn't feel bad for anything he has no remorse sounds like mine try not to be emotional around him go to a different room he will feed of that it will make him feel secure, and he can do whatever he wants and get away with it men like that are narcistic...be strong and show like you don't care and be stern like you are not going to put up with his bullshit....hang in there when your feeling down just come on here

Intown28 posted 9/8/2018 10:15 AM

show him what you have has proof but he will dance around it you must ask yourself if this was a husband that really loved you first of all you wouldn't be on here or in this situation I always tried to believe what mine said cause I didn't want to face the hard truth of what kind of real person he was but deep down I knew what kind of man he was

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