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3 weeks in

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Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 08:51 AM

so 3 weeks ago my husband came to me and told me he was unhappy, had been for a while and wanted to seperate. He then walked out without any further explanation.
I later received a series of messages telling me he had been having an affair for the past 12 months with his best friend (who was supposed to be a lesbian) and the baby she had just had was his. He had come to the conclusion that the best thing for him to do was end his life so I'd never find out but after seeing our baby scan (I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time) he couldn't do it and wanted to be there for us but needed to be completely honest with me about what he had done.
I am totally devastated, I had no idea he could do this to me. I had trusted him completely and absoloutly.
I do believe hes being honest now, he has told me too many painful details for him to still be lying. Hes also seeing a psychiatrist as he has suffered with depression before we met and the whole affair has caused that to worsen. We have also agreed to attend marriage counselling. He is trying very hard to rectify what he has done but he can't tell me why he did it in the first place other than he made a mistake and was flattered the first time, he feels inadequate in our relationship as I earn more and am 'always so on the ball', own our house and provided him with a good car and he feels broken. After the first time he figured he'd messed everything up anyway and was scared the AP would tell me as she threatened to do so it continued. The one time he tried to end it she turned up at our house (she moved into a house at the end of our street a few months back, I thought it was strange but maybe she was just lonely).
What hurts the most is that he told her he loved her, not me. That he wanted to be with her, not me. He thinks maybe he did love her for a while but doesn't anymore. He recognises shes been a toxic force in his life since before we met. I honestly don't think he did love her, I think he loved the idea of a life in which he was the 'strong' one and being with someone who was as damaged as he views himself made him feel good.
I spend most of my days trying my best to stay calm for the sake of our baby but the grief is almost overwhelming. hes cut off all contact and changed his number after she text him asking if they could still be friends and she just wouldn't tell me. They work together and she'll be coming off maternity leave as I start so he is looking for another job as I can't have them in the same building when I'm at my most vulnerable.
I feel so broken and worthless right now, I always thought we were so strong as a couple and now I don't know who I/we are.

CincyKid posted 9/10/2018 08:54 AM

She's going to be part of his life forever now because they have a child together. Is that something you can live with?

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 08:59 AM

hes been quite clear that he wants nothing to do with the child and he told her that when he first found out she was pregnant. She has been talking about getting IVF on her own beforehand anyway as she was desperate for a baby and has not asked him to be part of the babies life. We're agreed that he should pay maintenance if she asks for it but he needs to ensure his new job will pay enough to not impact our life or what we pay towards his daughter from a previous relationship.
To be clear I have not given any ultimatums or opinions on what he should do on this front, its been totally his decision and his alone.
If he did decide to have contact with the child then I would have to review our relationship again. I think thats a bridge I'll cross if and when it happens and when I'm in a better head space to deal with it

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 09:00 AM

hes been quite clear that he wants nothing to do with the child and he told her that when he first found out she was pregnant. She has been talking about getting IVF on her own beforehand anyway as she was desperate for a baby and has not asked him to be part of the babies life. We're agreed that he should pay maintenance if she asks for it but he needs to ensure his new job will pay enough to not impact our life or what we pay towards his daughter from a previous relationship.
To be clear I have not given any ultimatums or opinions on what he should do on this front, its been totally his decision and his alone.
If he did decide to have contact with the child then I would have to review our relationship again. I think thats a bridge I'll cross if and when it happens and when I'm in a better head space to deal with it

Marz posted 9/10/2018 09:04 AM

Correction: your wayward husband is broken and worthless not you.

Take some time before decide anything.

This is one big tangled mess.

Your H brought this into your world and it’s not going away. At least for 18 years.

Svon posted 9/10/2018 09:14 AM

I would struggle more forgiving my husband choosing to abandon his own child than I would forgiving his infidelity. That innocent baby will have andonment issues forever. As hard as it is, try not let your pain cause more pain to innocents.

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 09:40 AM

to be honest I have no issue with him not wanting contact with the baby and won't apologise for that. She was planning on having IVF and raising a child alone. How she became pregnant is irrelevant in that context and the child need never know thats not what happened. For some further context the AP was the cause for my husband and his ex to split up as she told his ex they had had an affair (they hadn't at that point) causing his ex to end the relationship and stop him having contact with his daughter for 3 months until he told her he no longer had contact with his 'friend'. If his ex where to find out that they had still been friends and that she was who he cheated on me with and there was still contact for any reason then she would stop contact with his daughter who is nearly 8 and very close to her dad. Honestly I think 1 baby whose never known his dad doesn't compare to a little girl who has an established relationship with us both. It may sound harsh but my priority will remain my child and my stepdaughter, not a baby that happened because his AP decided to tamper with condoms to get him to leave me

MamaDragon posted 9/10/2018 09:48 AM

I would strongly suggest you go to a lawyer and find out what your options are - since he has a child with her, in normal situations the child in the courts first for child support normally get more - if I'm not mistaken, perhaps someone else can verify the details? You want your child taken car of first and foremost.

Even if you are not divorcing, you need to know what options you have. I'd also try to get a post nup. Protect yourself and your baby first, he screwed up - he needs to do the heavy lifting.

If moving away is an option, I'd do it as well (as a family if you decide to stay).

and I would definitely make him quit work & never have anything to do with the child. I know it is not the child's fault but I just don't think I could see my husband's betrayal every other weekend. I wish I could be that nice and forgiving but....

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 10:02 AM

We talked about moving away and I started looking at putting our house on the market but I've since come to the conclusion that, as shes in a short term let that she took to be close to my husband, I shouldn't have to move. She has only been to her house 1 night since my husband told her he wanted nothing to do with them. I have decided that I won't be punished by having to give up my home that I have put a lot of time and money into because of their actions.
I don't think I need to worry about post-nup. I own everything and it is in my name only. He had debt problems when we met and suffers with severe depression (and suspected bi-polar but is still going through assessments for that) which can lead to erratic spending so decided that made sense, I also have control of his finances so know what we have better than he does. as I bring in a substantial amount more than he does I had no problems getting mortgages etc. alone. I'm also confident he wouldn't fight any demands I made if I decided we would divorce. He knows how badly hes messed up, he seems to be genuinely remorseful and accepts this is his responsibility.
At the moment, even if she did decide to ask for child support his name isn't on the birth certificate so we would ask for a DNA test first as I don't trust shes being truthful about not having slept with anyone else and the baby looks nothing like him (I'm aware this is likely wishful thinking though). If he has to pay towards the child then he needs to work out how he does that without impacting us, I won't protect him from the consequences of his actions but I won't let them affect my child or my step-daughters lives!

Rowanda posted 9/10/2018 13:34 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I am amazed at the compassion you are showing as well as the strength you have. Healing from this will be difficult but not impossible. Ensuring that he accepts responsibility for his own actions, including finding resources to cover the costs, is a positive approach to take. Are you also going through individual counseling? While marriage counseling is good, sometimes individual counseling first is more helpful. Finding a healthy way to deal with your hurt and anger and frustration etc could definitely help you, especially in making long reaching decisions. And he sounds like he really needs counseling if for nothing else but to grow up! (I said that due to your saying he felt inadequate in your marriage as an excuse for his behavior). Emotions have to be awfully raw right now. You don't mention any support system? Don't hesitate to use them. I know I needed all the prayer and support I could get to help me survive, and my nightmare didn't include another child.

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 16:00 PM


He is having counselling as part of his mh treatment. He was admitted to a psychiatric unit the day after he confessed as he was a risk to himself and luckily the mh services in our area are decent.
I'm not having counselling myself yet, I had an appointment but cancelled as I felt too ashamed to speak to anyone.
As

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 16:01 PM

far as support networks go I have 2 friends locally I've confided in but we live near his family which is around 100 miles from mine. My parents and brother have been travelling over regularly to help me out but day today it's still pretty lonely and diffixult. His family have been in touch as well to offer support as I'm close to them too.

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 16:02 PM


Seeing how broken he is right now is hard but helps me feel like he is understanding the severity of what he's done. I think him seeing me so broken has helped drive that home when he claimed me being the strong one was part of his issue.
I honestly don't believe he would ever out us in this situation again but I don't know how inter past him doing it in the first place.

Morp123 posted 9/10/2018 16:02 PM

I have some days when everything feels almost normal and days like today when My face hurts from crying so much. The simplest thing sets me off and I beg for reassurances over and over again. I don't feel like me at the moment and I don't know if I'll ever feel like 'me'again. I've found myself sneaking through his phone (despite him being clear that I'm welcome to go through it anytime) because I've never done it before and it still feels like a massive invasion of his privacy for me

Morp123 posted 9/12/2018 07:59 AM

I've just discovered that she has pictures of her and my husband and also pictures of just my husband he sent her. Is this something else I should be worried about? Will she use them to hurt me further or to humiliate me more???

1Faith posted 9/12/2018 09:58 AM

not a baby that happened because his AP decided to tamper with condoms to get him to leave me

How about if your WH wasn't having an affair in the first place there wouldn't be a need for condoms?

This places the entire "blame" on the OW and whereas I understand your wanting/needing to hate her, where is the accountability for your WH? He is the one you took vows with.

it still feels like a massive invasion of his privacy for me

When he chose to cheat he lost his right to privacy. Do what you need to do to start to process the depth of his betrayal and start to move toward your path forward. Very normal to want/need to check the phone.

Is this something else I should be worried about?

Yes, to some degree. It is out there. Your WH shouldn't have sent her the pictures in the first place or been with her for her to have pictures of them both. There really is little you can do about it now. Focus on what you can affect.

Consider IC for just you. And please take care of yourself and your baby.

(((good luck)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:54 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

GuyInColorado posted 9/12/2018 10:50 AM

I agree, get into counseling for yourself. You sound like you're codependent on him. You are coming up with all kinds of excuses for his behavior.

From what I can see, he has no career. He has no money. He has major debt. He has three baby mamas. He's depressed and maybe bipolar. And on top of all, he's a f****** liar and cheater. Why would you want to stay with him?

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 10:52 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Rowanda posted 9/13/2018 12:21 PM

Please do get into counseling for yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it is time to begin healing. Your baby needs a mom who values herself and knows she is strong and capable to take care of her little one. Counseling will give you a safe place to talk about you -- your feelings - your anger - your fears. It is time to focus on yourself. He has things in place to help him -- now it is time to help yourself.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/13/2018 12:30 PM

to be honest I have no issue with him not wanting contact with the baby and won't apologise for that.
If I was in your situation, I would feel the same. I would financially expect my FWH to support the child, but as far as having a relationship...no, just no. I am glad you seem to feel no guilt for that. The people that need to feel guilty is the people that created the child. And, oftentimes, the OW purposely gets pregnant. They are more accountable, in my opinion.

How are you doing today, Morp123?

Ripped62 posted 9/13/2018 12:41 PM

I am posting regarding pictures. If they do not involve nudity or are not explicit then I am unsure of the law.

If they are explicit then England, Wales, and Scotland have non-consensual or “revenge pornography” laws.

I do not know the status of Ireland.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:44 PM, September 13th (Thursday)]

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