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CincyKid posted 9/17/2018 08:53 AM

Someone actually wrote “for 40 days he should be granted no access to you or the kids”? Wtf? Now the kids should be denied their father?

They will lose 50% of the time with their father, maybe more, if they get a divorce. Without severe repercussions for the offending party, no permanent changes will be made. If he gets off the hook he'll do it again and destroy the family. Him getting a taste of the loss he will suffer is a very good way to get him to really understand what he is flirting with losing and may spur him to make real, positive, and permanent changes. If not denied access for 40 full days then let him have a taste of what divorce would look like and only give him 50% time with them. A far better approach than sweeping it under the rug.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:41 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

likeapinball posted 9/17/2018 09:11 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But, welcome.

You don't have to make any decisions at all at the moment. When you do, make those decisions based on what's best for you and your family.

I discovered my H's LTA almost 3 years ago. I decided that I didn't want the whole world to know what was going on. I didn't want people judging me for the choice I made or for not following their "recommendations". I decided to give R a go. I didn't feel it was appropriate to involve our children (14, 12 and 10 at the time) in the whole picture. I'm glad we didn't. My H and I have chosen to R, and are still working on it. I don't believe it's rug sweeping at all. My H and I had some work to do. I don't believe it should have been a burden for my children as well. They have enough shit to deal with without trying to sort out feelings towards their parents in a situation that they don't truly understand the gravity of. Just my 2 cents!

Hurt4 posted 9/18/2018 00:00 AM

I understand where CincyKid is going with his logic, but that approach is as likely to devastate the kids unnecessarily as it is to promote positive changes in the wayward.

As far as telling the kids goes, you could always go the route my parents did: Don't. I think the most we got during my Dad's month long sojourn was that he was moving closer to work for a little bit. Of course, we figured it out...much later, as adults. Sorry you're going through this.

mantorok posted 9/18/2018 05:44 AM

Of course, we figured it out...much later, as adults.

How did that affect you though? Would you have preferred to have been told directly?

Hurt4 posted 9/18/2018 08:43 AM

How did that affect you though? Would you have preferred to have been told directly?

I don't think it would've helped us to know that our parents were struggling with eachother, unless it were blatantly obvious. I don't view it, retrospectively, as them lying to us, more them trying to protect us from unnecessary harm. Every situation is different, of course, but in mine at least I think my parents made the right call.

mantorok posted 9/18/2018 08:47 AM

but in mine at least I think my parents made the right call.

It was a long time ago for me (I was 11/12) when my Mum had an affair, but from what I can remember there was no sit-down chat when they divorced, I think I may have even found out through an older sibling.

Anyhow, I agree, it's not so much how you're told, it's the fact that it's happened, it isn't the children's fault, and the repercussions are still the same.

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