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Again! help SI

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Mike the RN posted 9/17/2018 13:45 PM

DD June 12, 2011
found out my wife had A with OM for almost 5 months. THE REASON IT STARTED WAS;... supposedly when I was arguing with her... I was too heavy... she was not sure she was still in love with me... she may have wanted a divorce but not sure... she was working at our business...heard just about every reason there was especially after we started talking about our issues with each other...

Found out she could have better self esteem if she allowed a man to compliment her and then go to motel with him, accept 100's of emails and poems, even get threatened when she would not meet with him, because he "loved her"..
When she took vacation I happened to look in Skype and find a message from her to him ending with "Love you", contacted her the next am and got 1/2 the truth. Confronted the OM and met with him at my business back room. ( I have some Biker "friends" that would do me any favor needed)...got the story. How many times they met, where, when, for how long, when he was not sure of the dates I asked if he paid with Credit card, he did, told him to check his statements and call me back...so now I have him on my VM telling me the dates, IDIOT...
Had to pay some bills online, had to have my wife's secret password,got a few more emails but the majority was on another hidden site that she stated she deleted after I found out.
We had 4 weeks of wife and myself talking on the internet, telephone, and Skype. Had some issues with phone supposedly being broken and I realize I could not imagine living without her. I found SI after 1st week and had read EVERY POST in the Recently Found Out for few weeks. Thought we were ready to start R....LOL....
So now she gets home, we talk nice, nice in the car because our boy in back seat. She and I talk like we haven't in years. She gives me reasons....all me..........NOT.
Give her emails of "having her cake and eating it too", Joe's letter, and some choice others. Let her know it was never my fault to make the decision to cheat on me, have had to say this very often.
She has agreed to MC, IC, poly, whatever, whenever. .. I still don't feel I can trust or forgive her. She cannot believe it can take months/years for me to get over. We will see...

READY FOR R, BUT NOT PUSHING OR RUSHING IT.
All above happened while I was at work at weekly meetings, they met at noon til 2(unprotected sex), I was at meeting from 12 to 4 those days . Found out they also had calls the night that I was out "pool night" every Wednesday night. With me she always "HAD TO" be in bed by 8 every night,but found out would talk with him for hours til after 10p at times.

Hate being here, but so glad for SI
We did reconcile, supposedly

DD#2- 7/15/2018 update, she's had another affair, with a guy she manages at her job. This was the person she disliked because he's fat, lazy, slept all night and rushed to do his job just before she arrived, turns out she got stoned for the 1st time ever, then was almost comatose on couch, he came down and offered water and asked for hug....1st time "because i was under influence, 2nd time she came downstairs and he was pretending to sleep on work sofa, he grabbed her....2nd time. Found out shortly after that when she was passed out drunk at home and I checked her messages, she was arranging to meet him on Saturday, but we had sex Friday and supposedly started her menses. Supposedly she told him it was over that day. Dozens of "work related" texts since in middle of the night....

She wiped her iphone clean so I cannot read the later texts, after it was supposedly over.
WTF!!!!
I got her sleeping in spare bedroom, we've had sex several times, but I cannot bring myself to trust her, how can I?

Butforthegrace posted 9/17/2018 14:18 PM

I cannot bring myself to trust her, how can I?

I think your question answers itself. Why try to trust her when both your heart and your head tell you that she is not trustworthy.

Move on.

Wool94 posted 9/17/2018 14:42 PM

I'm sorry to hear it. Welcome back.

You probably know the drill. Have you been checked for STDs?

newparadigm posted 9/17/2018 14:44 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself back here.

I told my fWW that I would be done if it were to happen again. There is no way I could go through that again.

Zamboni posted 9/17/2018 14:52 PM

Hi Mike,

I am really sorry you are a repeat customer. Second betrayals IMO hurt more than the first.

You will get great support here. Have you seen an attorney?

Your WW has proven she cannot be faithful. Her justifications for the Aís are irrelevant.

What do you want to do now?

Tren0R201 posted 9/17/2018 15:00 PM

Get tested for STD's... because yuck.

max2018 posted 9/17/2018 15:51 PM

= the business of second chances is a losing business =

she hurt you the first time, saw what happened to you, you gave her a gift and she shited on it


get checked, cut your losses, file.

Mike the RN posted 9/17/2018 17:33 PM

Some issues, she had locked her bedroom door, which doesn't have a lock, so I kicked it down. She has pics of door and supposed bruised arm. I have never hit her, or pushed her, but I have had to hold her away from me several times, 2 past times.

I told her the bruise might have been during going down on him and maybe he squeezed her arm, during orgasm
But. Her word against mine

1. Going to ask for her to put down her remembered messages to him at 0230, 400, 430 and just before she go to work where he is also.
There were other days/mornings she was texting him. Of course she's stating work related.
2. Telling her to get tested every 3 months for 9 months, want to see results, and I will get the one year test
3.Telling her to get IC, and we will get MC
4. I have told her 4 times to get him out of her program, supposedly in process. I want to tell her I will turn them in, but the pics and DV will be holding me back.

I have told her that I do not want a divorce but there is no other way if she cannot be trusted.

The 180 works on her, I have started working on house in order to sell, she's thinking pretty hard now.

GoldenR posted 9/17/2018 18:23 PM

I have told her that I do not want a divorce but there is no other way if she cannot be trusted.

I'm confused...she can be trusted?

She's shown you who she is.

You had a one-sided R the initial time, you did all the work, even though she's the one that cheated.

She's a serial cheater. That's what she's told you with this. Believe her.

TheGuy123 posted 9/17/2018 19:23 PM

I can't wait to hear WW excuse for DD#3!

I'm guessing...but in time... years from now DD#4 will be WW telling you the actual truth, telling you "I cheated cuz I can".


Until your old lady figures out her infidelity is all her and not you, not being buzzed, not being raped, and cheating has nothing to do with anyone or anything else, but all about her and her choices....she will never affair proof this marriage!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 7:25 PM, September 17th (Monday)]

strongtoolong posted 9/17/2018 20:01 PM

Detach. Do a care plan. You know what I mean. Then extract yourself from this scenario and live your best life apart from this person. Love your son and yourself. It's not easy. I know you are strong, you're an RN. ☺

Butforthegrace posted 9/17/2018 20:05 PM

Don't waste your time on MC. You get marriage counseling to fix an ailing marriage. You have no marriage at present, and your WW is a broken person. Unless and until she fixes herself, you cannot work on the marriage.

Beside, most MC's are idiots when it comes to dealing with infidelity. They encourage WW's to lie and minimize, they encourage BH's to rug-sweep, etc.

Mike the RN posted 9/17/2018 21:46 PM

Thanks all
I think she may have seen my user name yesterday,
Will quit and re enter

I was going to tell her my expectations tonight, got to number 1 for STD checks, she stated we have already had sex several times, I told her that I wanted to find out ASAP what he may have given us, then the lies STILL!
They had protected sex, RIGHT, being stoned or grabbed really sounds like planned sex that desired protection

So I left the room

Just went back and told her I am not going to try to fix us, she needed to fix us, if possible and she needed to do the work.....180 time


Thanks again, will be more careful next time with computer, will quit my current SI now, and rejoin sooner than later

Mike the RN posted 9/17/2018 21:54 PM

Darn it

Iím staying as is, canít give up my Tips

rambler posted 9/17/2018 21:59 PM

Breaking down the door leaves you with some serious legal e exposure. See an attorney and an IC asap.

NoOptTo posted 9/18/2018 01:05 AM

You need to invest in a VAR, voice activated recorder. Last thing you need is to have her make.a false DV,domestic violence charge. May be get a couple and put them around the house as well as keeping one on you at all times. From this point forward, stop engaging emotionally with her. 180 is your friend. Time to protect yourself and your interest. She is protecting herself from you.

Buster123 posted 9/18/2018 01:32 AM

Your WW is not even remorseful nor does she seem to even care about what you want, plus she was given the gift of R once (not that long ago), please cut your losses and file for D and don't look back, it will save you a lot of pain and more trauma in the future. If you still try to R, she will need to do most of the heavy lifting (far from it now and not even trying), file for D anyway (you know you can stop it before it's final if she comes around and really does the necessary work this time).

Buster123 posted 9/18/2018 01:32 AM

Double post.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:33 AM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

jesebeard posted 9/18/2018 03:56 AM

Once a cheater, always a cheater. This popular line is true in most cases. I believe every issue can be resolved only if both are willing to do so. But when you are dealing with an unremorseful wife, you actually have no choice but to move on and forget about her.

nekonamida posted 9/18/2018 05:24 AM

Mike the RN, you need to see a lawyer because of the DV accusation. You need to get the jump on that and start protecting yourself. The good news is that she hasn't reported it YET. You can't just wait around and hope she never does anything about it.

While you 180, really ask yourself, what would it take for you to R? The answer needs to be a lot more than you gave earlier because you did that before and it didn't work. Unless you want the high risk of DDay #3, she needs to act completely different and remorseful for this to even have a chance at working.

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