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last 4 yrs. has been a lie

hedontloveher posted 9/19/2018 05:10 AM

I have been married to my husband as of this week for 13 years. I just found out about 3 weeks ago that he has been having a sexual affair with a woman he works with for the past 4 years.
She called me up out of the blue and said she needed to talk to me about my husband. At first, I refused because I didn't know who she was. But finally I did talk to her and she told me the whole story, when it started, what they did, where they met, the whole nine yards. She stated that she ended it with him because she thought he was seeing someone new at work. I called my husband and asked him about it, and he admitted it. They both stated that is was not a love affair, only a friendship that turned sexual. They would meet after work on occasion to talk and then have sex. Usually lasted no more than an hour. He would always come home every night. Was never away on the weekends, unless he was working. When I ask him why he did it, continues to say only for the sex. Now, we still had sex but not nearly as much as we use too. He had become very distant, and we argued a lot. He says because I didn't want him. Which is not true. We have decided to go to counseling and try and save our marriage. He continues to say, he never had any intent of leaving the marriage and that he loves me. I asked him what attracted him to her and why it lasted so long. he says I don't know, other than sex, dirty talk and porn she would send him. I am at a loss, don't know if I can ever forgive him for this betrayal.

Chrysalis123 posted 9/19/2018 06:04 AM

Welcome. I am sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. You have found a safe place.

Over on the left is a healing library. This is a very good place to start rebuilding your life.

It's important to take care of your basic needs: eating, sleeping, drinking, and trying to laugh every day. This intense pain won't last forever....

As for your health, you need to immediately go get a full panel of STD tests, and so does your husband. No more sex until you know you are both free of STDs.

At the moment, your husband is not taking responsibility for what he did and he is blaming you. This is very common.

Therefore Marriage Counseling is a bad idea. Individual counseling for both of you is a better idea. Until he is taking full responsibility for what he did, blaming himself, and acting truly remorseful you are wasting your money on MC and potentially setting yourself up for lots more pain.

More will be along soon. As in most things you will receive all sorts of advice. Take what you want and leave the rest.

The1stWife posted 9/19/2018 06:08 AM

Hedontloveher. Iím sorry you had to find this site but please know you will get great advice and support.

We understand what you are going through and feel free to ask anything. You will get answers - some people will say to Divorce your H, others will offer hope of saving the Marriage.

That choice is yours to make when you are ready to make it.

I suggest you find a good counselor or therapist for yourself. Not Marriage Counseling but someone go help you on this emotional roller coaster of infidelity.

I donít know if you have asked your CH (cheating husband) to move out or not. Your call. But now is the time to set some boundaries in your Marriage. Such as you having his passwords to social media accounts or access to his electronic devices like his phone.

He also needs to be working card to prove to you he wants to stay with you and making amends is his number one priority. Ignore his words but watch his actions to see if that is what he is committed to.

Is he doing enough to try to rebuild trust?

And my last suggestion is that he talk about the Affair as often as you need to and openly and honestly. If he blames you for the Affair - please do not accept that.

An Affair is a choice. Period. That is the only logical explanation. Everything else is just an excuse or justification.

Demand your H get tested for every known STD and disease - as well as you.

So sorry. You will survive this. But it will be a slow healing process unfortunately.

Lalagirl posted 9/19/2018 08:01 AM

((((hedontloveher))) Welcome.

She stated that she ended it with him because she thought he was seeing someone new at work.

....but...

They both stated that is was not a love affair, only a friendship that turned sexual.

Kinda contradictory, don't you think? If it was just for sex, why did she suddenly, after four years, feel the need to expose their A to you? She didn't have a problem having an A with him behind his wife's back...so clearly she was pissed/jealous about this new "interest" your WH has.

Four years is a long time to ďjust have sex.Ē

I am wondering if he told her that you and he were not having sex either.

First and foremost, your WH needs to own his shit, get into IC (ditch MC for now as other posters recommended), write a NC letter to BOTH of these women, and find another job. Since he seems to have a penchant for coworkers, finding another job wonít fix HIM and his issues that have led him to be unfaithful, hence the need for him to get IC and he needs to find an IC who is experienced in infidelity and he needs to make the appointment himself. Actually, at this point, he should do everything for himself - laundry, meals, the stuff you normally do for him - it's part of the 180 - give him a taste of what life without you could be like.

You, in the meantime, need to take care of YOU...including IC, to help you cope with this.

I am so sorry this has happened to you...but you need to come out of the gate showing your WH that lying, dodging his issues and blameshifting are not acceptable.

Hugs...

Edited to add something else.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:54 AM, September 19th (Wednesday)]

kaygem posted 9/19/2018 16:40 PM

Don't attempt marital counseling yet, he has a LOT of work to do in IC before MC can be of any benefit. It does not sound like he is remorseful and it's too early to decide to R yet.


Give yourself time for this to soak in. You have a lot of grieving stages to go through before you can make any truly sane decisions.

Coreofsteel posted 9/19/2018 17:44 PM

Your title resonates with me so much. I think that's one of the hardest things, realizing that a period of your life was a lie and you didn't know it. I've just realized now, thinking back, that my ex probably wasn't faithful to me at all. Now that I see the pattern for what it is. It's crazy making.

I'm so sorry you're here.

WhoTheBleep posted 9/19/2018 18:38 PM

Lalagirl is right. She is in love with him, and pissed he found another interest. So she stuck it to him good by telling his wife.

She and he are both shits.

IC, not MC. There's nothing wrong with you. This is not your fault.

hedontloveher posted 9/19/2018 19:32 PM

Thank you all for the post. I am still very confused as to what to do. Some of the things the other woman tells me don't match up to what he tells me. Honestly I don't know which one of them to believe. My husband is a good person. Someone who has done something very wrong and hurt me so much. I want to believe him, but he did lie to me for 4 years. He was able to pull off this affair without me ever knowing. He seems to be truly committed to making our marriage work again. However, I am having severe trust issues. The other woman claimed he was having an interest in someone new. But I can't prove it. I do not want to be made a fool of again. He claims it was all sex, which included no hugging, kissing or oral sex on his part. I find that VERY hard to believe after 4 years. He said he was only with her 15 times, she claims over 50. WTH? Who do I believe? Do the details really matter? He cheated, one time was too many. How do I forgive this? I know no one person can tell me. But good advice is much needed. Thanks.

GiaEve707 posted 9/19/2018 20:07 PM

You do not need to make any decisions right now so take that pressure off yourself. You have months of healing and processing to go through. How you feel now is not how you will feel months from now. You can work through this and come out better. I am glad you are in counseling. This is an opportunity to learn and grow. Just get through each day right now.

40YOSL posted 9/19/2018 20:11 PM

I would tell WH there is a big difference between 15 times and 50 times. I would say that I can't ask OW to take a polygraph but I sure as hell can ask him. If he's being truthful then he should be eager to prove that he is telling the truth because that would help towards him regaining your trust.

If he agrees then you absolutely need to schedule a polygraph and see that he actually takes the exam. Many times liars will hope that readily agreeing to the test will be enough to dissuade you from actually making them take it.

If he agrees to the poly then have the examiner include a question whether there have been any other affairs.

Momo24 posted 9/19/2018 20:25 PM

So sorry you had to find us. Both of them cannot be trusted. He needs to read "How to help you spouse heal..". I do believe since he had plans on pursing another that is why he is more upset. He got busted by both. Hold on because your ride is just beginning. You got time to decide what is best for YOU. That is what you need to help you decide because unfortunately he already made his choices.

There are plenty of articles here. Start reading it will help you process. Keep posting that helps too. Because my personal self is feeling a BIG venting session coming on. But please start reading the 180, it helps give you space. I think he needs to get head out of himself and man up on what kind of damage he caused. I swear they don't seem to get it or just plain don't care. That is still what hurts.

Sorry, there might of been some of my personal objections. Please take care of yourself. It's your time.

Nowandthen posted 9/20/2018 03:56 AM

So sorry you are going through this pain. Like you, I recently found out my husband was having a 3 year affair, when the other woman contacted me by email to let me know. Like you, I wondered if our whole marriage had been a lie.
Please read the posts in this forum. Iíve found them very helpful. Learn about self-care, and understand the requirements for a successful reconciliation. Keep posting. You are not alone, and youíll get very good advice here.

DIFM posted 9/20/2018 05:21 AM

Yes the details very much matter if they are lies. The issue here, as you have noted, is trust. It is gone. you cannot trust him. If you ever hope to rebuild trust, then absolute truth and transparency about any and all details that you want or need to know are lies that matter. You cannot be safe with him as a trusting partner for as long as he withholds any truth. I would at this point believe her more than him.

As for marriage counseling, you don't have a marriage problem, he has a broken lying, cheating, boundary breaking, individual problem and your M will never be in a position to be rebuilt (not repaired but rebuilt) until his brokenness is on the path to be repaired.

He is still lying. He is still trying to protect himself from consequences over protecting you and your pain. Until he has real and deep empathy and a painful ownership of every single truth, you will not be safe.

He needs to satisfy you that he is doing the work to fix what is broken in him, because I guarantee you he did not not do this for any of the reasons he gave you and you have absolutely nothing to do with his choice to betray, lie, and deceive.

Insist on IC for him before MC. Perhaps IC for you also to help you decide what you can live with and what you can't.

nekonamida posted 9/20/2018 06:41 AM

My husband is a good person. Someone who has done something very wrong and hurt me so much. I want to believe him, but he did lie to me for 4 years.

Gently, we all want to believe that our WSes are good people who did a bad thing but it's not exactly true nor is it conducive to moving forward in your marriage. He made choices every single day for 4 years to betray you. Every. Single. Day. That's nearly 1,500 days and at least as many choices that he made to betray and hurt you. He may have been a good person before the affair and he may become a good person again in the future but simply put, good people do not make 1,500+ terrible, devastating choices that destroy their spouse and then continue on lying about it instead of doing everything he can to help you. He needs to fix himself, own up to the full extent of the affair, and commit to honesty and loyalty 110% moving forward.

Lalagirl posted 9/20/2018 06:56 AM

Good post, DIFM...spot on!

hedontloveher, let's break this down a little bit -

ome of the things the other woman tells me don't match up to what he tells me. Honestly I don't know which one of them to believe.

You believe neither one. Cheaters lie.

My husband is a good person. Someone who has done something very wrong and hurt me so much.

Gently, he is not a good person. He did something very wrong for four years, and would have kept it up had he not been caught. That is not a good person.

I want to believe him, but he did lie to me for 4 years.

Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it. He is lying.

He was able to pull off this affair without me ever knowing.

As I said above, he would have continued the A had you not found out.

He seems to be truly committed to making our marriage work again.

This is what we in SI Land refer to as "damage control mode" - he never had any intentions on divorcing you; he had his comfy home life & wife, and "extracurricular activity." Cake eating at its finest. Now that the bakery is closed, he is scrambling to keep the home fires burning and will say/do anything at this point to do this.

The other woman claimed he was having an interest in someone new. But I can't prove it.

You don't need to prove it. I don't think the OW would make that up after four years. Think about it, she, in her twisted little airhead, thought that he was cheating on her! I would flat out ask her if he told her he was not having sex with you.


He claims it was all sex, which included no hugging, kissing or oral sex on his part. I find that VERY hard to believe after 4 years.

I find it hard to believe too. If you took a poll of 1,000 people, I'll bet 999 people would also find it hard to believe.

He said he was only with her 15 times, she claims over 50. WTH? Who do I believe?

Neither. Listen, I've been married for 35 years. I would not be able to tell you the exact number of times my H and I have had sex over the last four years.

I see this a lot here - where the WS sets an exact number of times they had sex with AP. It's just not possible unless they're keeping a freaking journal.

With that said, I'd be more inclined to believe the OW since she said "over 50" - makes more sense over 4 years.

Do the details really matter? He cheated, one time was too many.

You just answered your own question.

How do I forgive this?

That's not what you need to work on right now. I am not normally one to promote a polygraph, but you may want to tell him that in order for you to consider staying in the M, he's taking one. Watch his reaction. Many WSs give "parking lot confessions," - confessing things at the last minute before going to the polygrapher's office.

At this point, you need to take care of you. Implement the 180 (in the Healing Library - upper left-hand corner of this page), keep your body nourished and hydrated, go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. Make an appointment with an IC who specializes in infidelity trauma. Talk to an attorney and find out your rights (does not mean you have to D - this is to gain knowledge). And keep posting here. We'll help you to get out of infidelity, whatever path that may be.

Hugs!

Lala

edited for typo


[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:58 AM, September 20th (Thursday)]

onthefence123 posted 9/20/2018 11:20 AM

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am in the throws of something very similar, only about 3 months out.

I want to share with you something that my WH shared with me last night that was very difficult for him to say to me. Our discussions over these past few months have constantly went back to me stating--"...but I don't understand why she was staying with you. What did you say to keep her around? No woman stays around just for sex."

Well, WH said that she would say things like, "We would be great together....etc." and he would respond with "but we're married with kids, we can't do that." Well, that was his story for three months until last night. WH admitted last night for 3-4 months prior to my discovery that she was pressuring him, BIG TIME and he LED HER ON! She kept giving him dates to make a decision, either OW or me. WH would respond at each ultimatum day that there was too much going on, yada yada yada, and he could not make that decision right then. He NEVER said he was leaving me, but he NEVER said he WASN'T! Totally played her like a fiddle. Again, I said it before and I will say it again, she is an extremely stupid, insecure idiot. OW did this to him numerous times, why can she not understand that, helllloooooo?-- "he's not that into you?" LMAO. She is so deranged that she could not even pick up on the typical relationship responses that occur when someone does not really like you. WH liked you stroking his ego, get it? You really were just for sex, get it? You could never replace what I gave him, get it? He is never going to leave me, get it?

Well, she definitely got tired of it and set her and WH up for discovery by her cautious and overbearing H (because she made him feel this way, I know because OWH told me). She outed herself and WH as a vindictive ultimatum day. OW did not shut her phone off knowing OWH tracks her every move. OWH caught them by tracking her iPhone and texted us a group.

So, your current story sounds very much like mine. Your husband does not want you to know how much he led OW on, knowing how bad it will hurt you. In his eyes, he was most likely just using her for sex, but in her insanely b*****y eyes, they were perfect for each other and she wanted you OUT! Whether or not there was actually another W, eh, probably not. She wants you to totally flip out and kick him to the curb.

My WH HATES OW now, the night the text came through, he nearly passed out from hyperventilating and OW witnessed it. Geesh girl, WAKE UP! You were actually for ego strokes via sex.

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