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The Real Story

22yrsbroken posted 9/21/2018 06:25 AM

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We were what most would say the ideal couple. We rarely had arguments,always displayed our love and affection for each other, we always supported one another and most of our family and friends admired us as a couple. We always considered our relationship to be unique, never insecure or jealous.

At the time of my husband's affair, we were married for 7 years but together for 17. I had just given birth to our fourth child and was a stay at home mom. This was the first time that I made the decision to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I both started working full-time after we were out of high school. We started a family early and were living independently by the time we were 21 years old.

I've always been the type of wife that supported my husband in anything that he did. His hobbies such as fishing, hunting, carving, farming and even golfing. He was one that always found himself getting into different things that inspired him in one way or another. I, on the other hand, was more focused on the family. I made sure bills were paid on time, rent was paid, dinner was prepared, house was cleaned and kids were helped with school work, showered and sent to bed. I took the kids out a lot to watch movies on the weekends or to play at parks. At times, I do have to admit...I would get a bit stressed out. Some times I'd feel like I was a single parent. But really I didn't want to be the nagging wife and I really loved seeing my husband happy. It made me very happy!

The day I started becoming suspicious was when I noticed his attitude changing. I noticed that we would argue over really small things and the arguments seemed bigger than it needed to be. This started happening in just the short weeks that he returned to work from a month of paternity leave with me and the baby. This one day he and I were doing errands and we stopped by the mall. It just so happened that he met up with a former co-worker there. He asked me if he could go and say hi to her and I was like sure. He took the baby with him. While I took our other three children and went to look at shoes at the shoe store. Well the baby started crying within 30 minutes and he called me to meet him where he and his co-worker were. So I hurried and rushed to him. He introduced me to his co-worker and I just smiled and said hi. She didn't even look at me and as we walked away, he turns to me and said, what's your problem? He says; I'm introducing you and you didn't even say anything. I told him that I did say hi, but he insisted that he didn't even hear me.

So that passed, but I felt like that was just really strange how he reacted. I was becoming more suspicious. All of sudden, he was making excuses to visit with his brother every night. He would go and visit with his older brother and not come home till everyone in the house was asleep. There were times when I would pass by him and he'd be on the phone. I could hear the other person on the other end and it sounded like a female. I remember questioning him, who it was and he'd say it was one of his friends that I knew. As my suspicions grew, I decided to wait till he was asleep to look at his phone. Gosh, I can remember this like it was just yesterday. I saw these WhatsApp messages between him and his former female coworker (the one from the mall). She was messaging him this heart felt message about how she has fallen in-love with him. He also was telling her he loved her. I couldn't believe my eyes. I could barely even read the messages anymore as I started to cry. I immediately woke him up and questioned him. At first he was laughing at me. Asking me what am I talking about. Then I threw his phone to him and told him I read his messages. I started to cry and he tried to comfort me telling me that they only message and talk on the phone. I asked him if he slept with her and he said no. I felt so ashamed and just lost all confidence in myself. It destroyed me! I kept asking him, how can you tell me you love me then later in the day tell another woman the same thing. We just had a baby for crying out loud! You were my rock, my bestfriend! You betrayed me in the worst way! I told him I wanted out and he threatened to kill himself if I divorced him. Like he literally went and got a gun and tried to hold against himself. But I begged him not to for the sake of our children and he had me promise that I wouldn't leave. A few days later, he decided to take off from work to work out this issue. He told the OW that I found out and she panicked and unfriend me on facebook. He tried to make it seem like it was a phone affair. But I eventually figured out how to retrieve deleted pics. My world just came crashing down on me! I saw pics of them together, kissing, having sex, spending time together. I was lost for words...all I could do was cry. I did for days...and he kept apologizing to me. I wanted to end my marriage and even worst, my life. But of course I didn't and I wouldn't. My children are everything to me and I wouldn't dare do that to them. They are the ones that have kept me strong will this day.

The next few years were constant fighting. As he tried to move on and forget what he did to avoid the guilt. My mind filled with so many questions. I thought about them every day and I cried every night. I had nightmares about them. I made the decision to work out my marriage and we only told four people that we trusted about what was going on with us. Of course they recommended we seek marriage counseling. But he didn't want to. He thought that rebuilding our home, buying me jewelry and getting me a car would make up for the things he did. Every time I felt like we were moving forward. We'd go two steps back for some argument or new information that I end up asking him about. My trust in him has gone. Although, I still love him very much. I feel like he's not taking my feelings seriously and this is one reason that I haven't healed. Some time, I think I've become bipolar. One day I can feel so loved by him then other days he seems different. I don't even know what else to do. It's hard to talk to a professional here. Because where I'm from...it's small and many would know your business. I'm already ashamed of myself. There is more to this story, but I'm sure most would get the picture. My husband is actually a good person. He just made a messed up decision. How can I move on from this and just be able to focus on our relationship. He fears getting sentimental with me in regards to our love because he doesn't want to feel the guilt. But then again some times I think, Let him have it! Or I want so badly to get revenge. I feel like I'm going crazy! Even after five years I still have a lot of pain. Will this pain ever go away. How long will it take to heal?

My heart broke into a million pieces when I was betrayed by my bestfriend. The one person that had my back always. Like I said there is more to this story as the years passed on. Whether these stories are true or not...I just don't even know.

GiaEve707 posted 9/21/2018 07:19 AM

You do need to go through counseling. Is there another town near by you could go to where you would not worry about people knowing your business? You have trauma and that needs to be processed through. You can definitely heal and you will, but it is work. Your husband needs to sit down and let you ask what you need to about the affair and just be done with it (do not ask details though). You had extreme betrayal and my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry. It sounds like your husband is not owning what he need. Work on your healing, get stronger, then work on marriage counseling. I know what you mean by being so devastated that you want to end your life. That pain is so soul crushing. But you did not and you will not. Can you see your strength there? That strength will heal you fully.

ChamomileTea posted 9/21/2018 07:31 AM

Of course they recommended we seek marriage counseling. But he didn't want to. He thought that rebuilding our home, buying me jewelry and getting me a car would make up for the things he did. Every time I felt like we were moving forward. We'd go two steps back for some argument or new information that I end up asking him about. My trust in him has gone. Although, I still love him very much. I feel like he's not taking my feelings seriously and this is one reason that I haven't healed. Some time, I think I've become bipolar. One day I can feel so loved by him then other days he seems different. I don't even know what else to do. It's hard to talk to a professional here. Because where I'm from...it's small and many would know your business. I'm already ashamed of myself.

The downside of getting therapy is that you have to look somebody in the face and share your innermost thoughts. The upside of therapy is.. you get to look somebody in the face and share your innermost thoughts.

You've got all this pain inside and no safe place to work it out, so it's all bottled up in there like steam in a tea kettle. And here you are, trying to contain it all without letting any escape. So, no... you haven't gone bipolar. Those back and forth feelings are natural for someone who has been traumatized. Your healing is complicated by not having anyone in your real life who can empathize with you, encourage you, or even hear you.

I would say get into IC (individual counseling) with a counselor who's well-versed in trauma therapies. There's only this one post to go by, but from my own experience and from voracious reading, the key to healing is re-learning to love and value ourselves... and from everything you've written, you're not engaged with that yet. You're a betrayed wife and a mother, but your sense of Self is probably in need of attention, ie Who are you when you're not doing for others?. Your WH has had hobbies and friends and a social life, but you've been in the harness making life smooth for everyone else. That dynamic has to change. And when it does, your sense of panic declines because you know you are already enough.

While you're lining up IC, try reading through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It's really more geared toward people whose relationships have ended, but I found it immensely helpful even in R. Infidelity, at its core, is an abandonment wound.. And it breaks open every old abandonment scar we've ever had, even some we didn't know were there. It doesn't matter if we were abandoned for a day, or a month, or a year, it's still the abandonment of someone we counted on for our emotional well-being. The author does a great job of explaining how both mind and body are connected and what the effects are in the brain. She even has a few tools in her kit to get started rehabilitating the Self.

You're going to be okay. Really, you will. But I think you're probably at the point where you need to be proactive to get there.

((hugs))

jb3199 posted 9/21/2018 09:08 AM

Will this pain ever go away. How long will it take to heal?

Chamomile summed it up very nicely---you appear to need an outlet to work through your pain. You are coping with the pain(because what choice do you have?), but not processing it. Maybe some books on infidelity? Are you an avid reader?

The one other factor which is MOST DEFINITELY affecting your slow healing process is your husband....without a doubt in my mind. You said it yourself:

I feel like he's not taking my feelings seriously

Bingo. He most certainly is not. And if you read around this site for long enough, you are going to learn that ignoring the issues and sweeping them under the rug NEVER works. Ever. There are several new members who are decades past their initial discovery who are trying to work out issues that were never resolved when they should have been....in the beginning. Don't be afraid to open this topic up again with your husband. It is toxic. It is infectious. And the proper way to relieve this infection is to re-open the wound, and let the toxins flow out.

If your husband isn't willing to support you though this....on your terms....then the sad truth is he simply is not a safe partner, let alone remorseful, for you going forward. Good man or not, his actions will reveal if his discomfort takes priority over yours.

Keep reading. Keep posting. This site can really help you.

Skan posted 9/21/2018 12:05 PM

Hello 22yearsbroken, and welcome.

Unfortunately, this is what comes of rug sweeping. And being the person who gives the most, in a relationship when you're rugsweeping with someone who is willing to put you and your family, in a 2nd place position. Think about it. You were both in the same marriage. You both had essentially the same stressors. Yet he responds like an adolescent boy and it's all about him. Making sure that he's happy doing whatever he wants to do, outside of your FAMILY. While you take on the role of family manager, organizer, and so forth. Allowing him to continue to be a self-entitled adolescent. So he finds the "fun" OW (Other Woman, the person(s) he cheated with). He's got it pretty darned good. You, to take care of the day-to-day business, taking care of children, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and managing his life. And the fun-times OW to bring excitement into his life. No wonder he's being a complete prick now, fighting and rug sweeping you every step of the way! He want's what he wants, and that's what he's had. And you're spoiling it for him by actually expecting him to take ownership of the fact that he betrayed you and your family.

This is ALL, 100% on him. Not on you. He's the one who decided that it was OK to commit infidelity. No matter the "reason," or what he is justifying to himself, the choice to betray your spouse is 100% on you. Period.

Please take a look at The Healing Library. It's in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the screen by Dr. Phil. Abbreviations that we use are there too, but the best part, is the information presented by experienced people. Knowledge is power, so please, start reading.

And frankly, your WH (Wayward Husband, one who cheats) is not a good person. A good person would acknowledge the damage that he's done, the harm that hes caused, and would seek to heal that by whatever means were possible. Until and unless he does that, he is an unsafe partner to you, and should, rightfully, be regarded as unsafe.

CatsNTats posted 9/22/2018 04:32 AM

I told him I wanted out and he threatened to kill himself if I divorced him. Like he literally went and got a gun and tried to hold against himself. But I begged him not to for the sake of our children and he had me promise that I wouldn't leave.

This. Mine has done this as well on multiple occasions and it took a while for me to see it for what it was. Emotional manipulation. Manipulation is a form of abuse. And he succeeded in manipulating you as you promised not to leave.

He needs to be doing everything in his power to show his remorse and it doesn't sound like he is. Money and material things can't unbreak what's been broken. What he broke.

You should seek IC, but he also should seek IC to recognize why he did what he did so he can start showing true remorse if you plan to continue the path to R.

I don't know if the pain ever actually does away because I don't know how you ever learn to trust that person again.

CatsNTats posted 9/22/2018 04:32 AM

I told him I wanted out and he threatened to kill himself if I divorced him. Like he literally went and got a gun and tried to hold against himself. But I begged him not to for the sake of our children and he had me promise that I wouldn't leave.

This. Mine has done this as well on multiple occasions and it took a while for me to see it for what it was. Emotional manipulation. Manipulation is a form of abuse. And he succeeded in manipulating you as you promised not to leave.

He needs to be doing everything in his power to show his remorse and it doesn't sound like he is. Money and material things can't unbreak what's been broken. What he broke.

You should seek IC, but he also should seek IC to recognize why he did what he did so he can start showing true remorse if you plan to continue the path to R.

I don't know if the pain ever actually does away because I don't know how you ever learn to trust that person again.

SouthAfricanMan posted 9/22/2018 05:04 AM

He has not done anything to make you feel safe and appreciated. He is not remorseful, hence you never healed. Telling you that he will kill himself is manipulation which is abuse piled on to the betrayal. He knows that he already lost you; he doesnt care. The only thing that matters to him is himself. Call emergency services the next time he tries that again. Do not threaten him to call, just call.

22yrsbroken posted 9/22/2018 05:43 AM

Thank you all for the words of encouragement as well as the advise given. I come from a small island where everyone pretty much knows each other. So its really hard to keep things confidential. Although in cases where counseling is sought out, even if kept confidential. The chances of your name being rumored around is very high and for me I just can't have that happening to me for the sake of our family. There are only a handful of people that know about his affair. Two of his siblings and two very close friends of ours. My sister in-law that is aware of her brother's affair is a family psychologist. However, she would be considered bias if she tried to treat me. She does however, always offer me words of encouragement, but ultimately makes it my decision to take or not. She did insist that my husband and I seek marriage counseling. But I think for the most part my husband doesn't want to be reminded about the guilt. There are days where I feel like just giving up and leaving with my children. But there are days were he can really show me how much he appreciates me and loves me. So I tend to become so torn. Some times I think to myself, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe he's right. I need to just forgive him, forget it and move on. But its so hard and its been this way for the past five years. I search this group after watching something that talked about online therapy and support groups. So this is why I'm here. I just need to read what people are going through and hopefully I can find some form of comfort in knowing that my feelings are normal and I'm not going crazy.

22yrsbroken posted 9/22/2018 05:44 AM

Thank you all for the words of encouragement as well as the advise given. I come from a small island where everyone pretty much knows each other. So its really hard to keep things confidential. Although in cases where counseling is sought out, even if kept confidential. The chances of your name being rumored around is very high and for me I just can't have that happening to me for the sake of our family. There are only a handful of people that know about his affair. Two of his siblings and two very close friends of ours. My sister in-law that is aware of her brother's affair is a family psychologist. However, she would be considered bias if she tried to treat me. She does however, always offer me words of encouragement, but ultimately makes it my decision to take or not. She did insist that my husband and I seek marriage counseling. But I think for the most part my husband doesn't want to be reminded about the guilt. There are days where I feel like just giving up and leaving with my children. But there are days were he can really show me how much he appreciates me and loves me. So I tend to become so torn. Some times I think to myself, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe he's right. I need to just forgive him, forget it and move on. But its so hard and its been this way for the past five years. I search this group after watching something that talked about online therapy and support groups. So this is why I'm here. I just need to read what people are going through and hopefully I can find some form of comfort in knowing that my feelings are normal and I'm not going crazy.

jb3199 posted 9/22/2018 06:05 AM

I just need to read what people are going through and hopefully I can find some form of comfort in knowing that my feelings are normal and I'm not going crazy.


This is normal, but....


These problems will not go away with the status quo. Again,


Some times I think to myself, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe he's right. I need to just forgive him, forget it and move on. But its so hard and its been this way for the past five years.

There is a reason that you won't let this go after all of this time---because it is not resolved. You are basically in a fight with yourself as to how to heal, and where to go from here. You stated that just when you are ready to give up, you see a random act from your husband that shows you that he loves you. This is a perfect example of your heart and mind being out of sync with one another. The heart often takes MUCH longer to catch up to the mind.


I would suggest (2) things, being that you are currently in an observation mode. First, is read up over in the Wayward forum. It won't take you long to see some former waywards who REALLY get it....and past their advice onto the new and struggling. Read their advice given; listen to how much they must have grown to be in the place that they are now. Then ask yourself, with total honesty, how your husband's behaviors/actions compare to theirs. Second, either purchase or download "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" by Linda McDonald. It is less that 100 pages, and will basically show you, in print, what your husband should be doing.


Feel free to have him read the book afterwards. You may or may not be surprised by how little he is actually doing.

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