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Emotional Affair with my Sister In law

JMSLSJ2013 posted 9/21/2018 16:14 PM

I found out about 2 weeks ago that my husband was having an emotional affair with my sister-in-law. They broke it off the week prior and have had (so I am told) no contact since. He told me he loves me, but doesnít love me the same way he used to and is blaming me for everything. I understand this is deflection and he is going through withdrawal form that relationship. I am seeing a counselor and have gotten myself on anti-anxiety medication. He is starting IC next week. Does anyone have any advise on how long the withdrawal period lasts and any advice on how he can fall back in love with me? I love our marriage and I want to make it work. Much appreciated!

Pinkypeach posted 9/21/2018 16:28 PM

I'm sorry you are in this situation. There will be people who can give advice, great advice too, in here. I am too new to offer much help and am only a little further along the path than you - 2 months after finding out. The advice may not be what you want to hear but people are really friendly and helpful here, welcome and hugs.

Iwantmyglasses posted 9/21/2018 16:35 PM

How many different women is he having an affair with?

A customer at work?
And your SIL?

So this is his brothers wife or your brothers wife?

Either way. He has major problems. If he canít see this...you canít make him get this.

A two year emotional affair? I doubt it. Highly doubtful. More like a sexual affair. Plus the affairs you havenít caught yet.

Your DD isnít over. You are in the middle of trickle truth.

JMSLSJ2013 posted 9/21/2018 16:42 PM

Itís my brothers wife....so it had wrecked our family. I feel like giving up. What am I fighting for? I feel there is help if he wants to get help.

Pinkypeach posted 9/21/2018 16:48 PM

You can't make him accept help and if he won't then there isn't anything you can do. Also if he won't then as youbsay, what are you fighting for?

Robert22205https posted 9/21/2018 16:50 PM

How's your brother handling this?

Robert22205https posted 9/21/2018 16:52 PM

EAs are very very serious...and often it's a PA or would have been if undiscovered.

Can you provide more detail together with a timeline. More detail encourages a more constructive responses.

JMSLSJ2013 posted 9/21/2018 16:55 PM

My brother is upset, but itís not the reason for their divorce...however, it was the nail in the coffin. My husband just isnít owning his crap and doesnít seem remorseful.

JMSLSJ2013 posted 9/21/2018 17:05 PM

The emotional affair only lasted a short time...a couple of weeks. They never saw each other and it wasnít physicals. I did talk to both. My SIL is very forth coming because she wants a divorce from my brother anyway. My husband is scared because he didnít think he could feel that way about anyone but me. He is very distant. It is hard to watch him get over another woman while we are living under the same roof. Iím praying for patience and for strength and that God opens his heart to me again.

JMSLSJ2013 posted 9/21/2018 17:06 PM

The emotional affair only lasted a short time...a couple of weeks. They never saw each other and it wasnít physicals. I did talk to both. My SIL is very forth coming because she wants a divorce from my brother anyway. My husband is scared because he didnít think he could feel that way about anyone but me. He is very distant. It is hard to watch him get over another woman while we are living under the same roof. Iím praying for patience and for strength and that God opens his heart to me again.

pureheartkit posted 9/21/2018 17:37 PM

If you research Limerence on the web, it might help answer some questions. Yes, people do come out of it and one of the best things is no contact.

Brennan87 posted 9/22/2018 06:33 AM

So sorry you are here. :( Unfortunately, you are facing a double betrayal from your WS and your SIL.

Your husband may or may not be in limerence as was pointed out by another poster.

It is important for you to get into individual therapy for your betrayal, so you have a safe outline to express your feelings and assist you with getting your life back.

Regardless of EA or PA or both, this is a long healing process for all of us. You will be on a roller coaster for emotions until you can think clearly, better understand the person your WS is and the impact it has had on your life.

Please don't make any decisions yet on "working things out" or "kicking him out" as your emotions will have you doing both within minutes of each other. In order to make a rational decision you need to stabilize your emotions, get what information you need to formulate your perspective and see if he is willing to address the sickness and brokenness within him.

This time period is now all about YOU, your mental and physical health. Others will come along and give you great advice on stay hydrated, exercise, eat well, etc. This is spot on. Unfortunately, we've all been in your shoes and know what did/didn't work for us.

Take what you need regarding advice on here and leave the rest. Your in one of the most emotional states of your life and you need to remember, while many of us have your best interest at heart; we don't know your situation, you or your husband and we are strangers after all.

Keep doing YOU and focus on YOU. It's improbable that you can see this now, but you will get through this and heal. You will come out on the other side a better person with or with out him.

God Bless..

Robert22205https posted 9/22/2018 07:22 AM

You both should read: NOT JUST FRIENDS

It's not only informative but provides a common factual basis to discuss your marriage.

He will understand 'what' harm he did to you and your marriage ... help him understand his attraction to her... and reframe his EA as an unrealistic romantic fantasy (not based in reality).

His attraction isn't unique ... everyone feels this stuff ... in his case he allowed the friendship to escalate vs shutting it down early before the feelings developed.

He needs to develop a strategy to protect you and your marriage the next time he's exposed to a woman he's attracted to.

The book will help you help him.


Rowanda posted 9/22/2018 21:37 PM

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Whether it was only EA, or also PA doesn't really matter at this point because you are hurting. He has betrayed your trust, your love and your vows. The one positive I read was that it sounds like he is at least willing to work on restoring your marriage. Along the way he really needs to accept responsibility for his actions! I am so glad you are going to counseling where you can explore your emotions, fears etc. Please don't rush into any decisions at this point. Give yourself time to heal and see how thing progress. Hopefully through counseling you will reach a point where you can begin marriage counseling and work together to restore your relationship. Reconciliation is always possible; yes it is hard work but worth it in the end. Do you have a church home? If so, have the two of you met with your pastor? That might help provide some spiritual and emotional help. Keep praying, God is still in the miracle business and He will help your marriage if that is what you want. I know of some resources that you might find helpful. Let me know if you want me to send you the link. God bless, I'll be praying for you.

Iwantmyglasses posted 9/23/2018 00:57 AM

What about the other emotional affair you wrote about on SI The two year affair?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 6:37 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

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