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Breaking out of the friendzone

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LilBlackCat posted 9/25/2018 12:51 PM

I have been getting dearly parked there in the last few attempts I have tried to connect with someone..

What are good ways to approach breaking out?

Or is it possible I am simply chasing the wrong one???

Newlease posted 9/25/2018 13:19 PM

I put my current SO in the "friend zone" for a year and a half. He took it well. We both dated others, but he was always willing to be my friend when I needed one. I guess it was a mixture of no pressure and genuine friendship that made me say yes one day when he suggested another date.

We both happened to be single at the time and gave it another go. It still wasn't "instant" but I began seeing the possibilities and he moved slowly but steadily into my heart as more than a friend. We have been together for 8 years and lived together for five.

I don't know many men who would be that patient. There was really no pressure because we both dated others during that time.

I think you should date others but still be a friend. If it is meant to be, it will happen - if not, at least you aren't pining away alone at home.

NL

LilBlackCat posted 9/25/2018 14:19 PM

Yea, this person I've been talking to for now almost 2 years.. and I thought things were moving really slow.. She's also a victim of infidelity, but I gave it another shot recently.. and her only gripe is that she wants someone who is closer.. we live about 1.5 hours apart.. have met once and communicate daily.. So with the distance, there's not much I can do about that..

shakentocore posted 9/25/2018 15:26 PM

I think you should move on. Find someone closer to your town and invest in that other person.

Currently, you are fulfilling all of the needs of friend girl. She gets attention / ego kibbles every night. Your time, attention, and understanding. What if you moved on to someone else? You couldn’t be there for her when she needed it.

I’m not saying to play games, but if you want more than friendship, don’t settle. Find a person who wants a romance with you. The time you are investing in friend girl can be spent meeting new people. Maybe friend girl would decide that having you as a BF is worth it even if you are 1.5 hours away.

LilBlackCat posted 9/25/2018 16:37 PM

Currently, you are fulfilling all of the needs of friend girl. She gets attention / ego kibbles every night. Your time, attention, and understanding.
Yea, I agree.. I think I've become someone she really relies on for emotional support..

I do plan to start going out and seeing if that will help me meet women.

LilBlackCat posted 11/20/2018 02:03 AM

Well, here's an update..

I tried initially to cut it off.. and she picked up the pace and with so much going on in her life with family.. I continued to wait patiently. To only find out that recently she's been dating exes.. whom she had complained to me about in the past with cheating and being shady..

So yeah, it hurts that she (like ww) would choose pos type guys over me.

But honestly, I guess I already knew.. I was just in denial.

I purposely more or less picked a small argument so that it can just die..

Well, another one bites the dust.

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 2:07 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

LilBlackCat posted 11/20/2018 02:19 AM

I guess what really bugs me about this also, is that someone else I tried talking to.. also chose someone else over me, to only get cheated on.. Yet, she chose him over me..

Which begs me to wonder, what am I doing wrong.. am I simply that bad looking, versus these other men..

I dunno, just feeling a lil bummed.. but overall I'm ok.. just hoping someday someone will choose me.

shakentocore posted 11/20/2018 06:11 AM

I think this woman was honest that the distance didn’t work for her. Instead of saying “thank you for your honesty” and moving on, you felt like you could stick it out as a friend. Maybe if you were in the same town it could have worked - you don’t know.

Really, you are not a real friend as long as you are waiting and hoping for something more, and picking a fight when she finds a relationship. That is inauthentic. It’s also violating her boundaries - she said “no” to a relationship with you. No means no.

You met this woman once, was rejected by her (because of distance), yet kept pursuing her. This is a woman you met ONE TIME, yet you continued to invest time and energy for months.

You still have work to do on you, IMO.

Candyman66 posted 11/20/2018 08:40 AM

LilBlackCat, I think the term you are looking for is "GU" that stands for "Geographically Undesirable". It's actually a term I heard a long time ago when I was single.

LilBlackCat posted 11/20/2018 09:04 AM

Really, you are not a real friend as long as you are waiting and hoping for something more, and picking a fight when she finds a relationship. That is inauthentic. It’s also violating her boundaries - she said “no” to a relationship with you. No means no.
I was clear with her that I wanted more, and her last response when I talked to her about it was that she had too much going on in her life to really think about that.. Which is why I waited. Cause she really does have allot going on with a family member recently having a life threating event and another family member just doing things that are creating serious issues for everyone around her.

I never lied to get her about my wants. When I tried to fade away from things without an incident and told her so.. she dramatically increased communication and that's when I told her what I was looking for and the above was told to be.

The only thing I feel I did wrong, back then.. was believe her excuse... This time around, I didn't go all crazy or anything, simply reiterated that I need to walk away and was more aggressive in my reasoning and push away.

lieshurt posted 11/20/2018 09:38 AM


To only find out that recently she's been dating exes.. whom she had complained to me about in the past with cheating and being shady..

She doesn't sound emotionally healthy at all. Looks like you dodged a bullet with this one.


chose someone else over me

Which begs me to wonder, what am I doing wrong

At this point, I think you need to work on your self esteem before trying to date. A man with healthy self esteem wouldn't think this way.


[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:40 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

deena04 posted 11/20/2018 10:10 AM

^^^everything lieshurt said. You dodged a bullet. Now can she be healthy at some point, maybe so. However, you don't have to wait for that or invest time in that. If it happens, great. If not, someone will be there that IS healthy.

LilBlackCat posted 11/20/2018 10:24 AM

God knows I need to work on my self esteem.. As a guy, it's hard to get any self esteem when nothing seems to get anywhere and women keep choosing other men over you.

I know part of it is being a single dad, I have young kids still.. and that seems to be a turn off to many I've seen on OLD.. so I'm sure it's the same out in the rest of the world..

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 10:24 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

lieshurt posted 11/20/2018 12:45 PM

I know part of it is being a single dad, I have young kids still.. and that seems to be a turn off to many I've seen on OLD.. so I'm sure it's the same out in the rest of the world..

Yes, that could be an issue for some. However, it won't be an issue for the woman who's perfect for you.

ontheslope posted 11/26/2018 12:51 PM

I don’t do “friend zone”, period. If I have feelings for you and you don’t have them for me, gone baby gone. I have many female friends, none of whom I was ever attracted to as anything more than a friend.

I do not make exceptions to this rule.

LilBlackCat posted 11/27/2018 16:20 PM

don’t do “friend zone”, period
Yea, taking this stance is definitely better... Already lonely.. so not like it will make a difference in that sense.

deena04 posted 12/1/2018 01:18 AM

I’m recently dating a guy I’ve known ever since I can remember. He is my brother’s friend. His divorce came and he apparently wanted to ask me out, but I started dating ex. I never knew. He was firmly friend zoned! He also respected that. It was only in the last couple of months that we started dating. Like I said, I have known the man forever and would randomly run into him at things with my brother, but there was a definite friend zone. He broke out of it by just flat out asking me one day for coffee… From there, the connection was pretty intense and it is just sort of happened. I always knew that I had a crush on him years ago and then he was a super nice person, but because he was a super nice person, I never knew anything more than just a friend until now. My advice… Just go for it! If that does not work, you can choose to be friends or you can choose to not be.

LilBlackCat posted 12/6/2018 11:57 AM

I wanted to respond to a comment by shakentocore, without thread jacking another post..

Gently, LBC - you had a woman tell you outright that she didn't want a relationship with you because of distance, and you hung around anyway offing friendship. That's on you. Ignoring someone's relationship boundaries is not "NICE."
When the boundary was mentioned, it was also mentioned that things regardless of anything needed to start with a friendship.. which it did.. then with time, there was many hearts and other heart related stuff like selfies with hearts on it and planning of meeting up again to spend the day together which was perceived (obviously) wrongly by me when I found she was dating exes and ran back to the "you are too far" thing.

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 12:00 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

ontheslope posted 12/6/2018 18:08 PM

there was many hearts and other heart related stuff like selfies with hearts on it and planning of meeting up again to spend the day together which was perceived (obviously) wrongly by me

Not perceived wrong by you, dude. She was playing you. Drop her like a hot potato. Gone. Poof. She kept you on the hook, Fed you just enough to keep you interested, and then decided she wanted to sleep with other guys instead. At the least she’s confused, at the worst she’s what I call a spider - keeps a bunch of guys “in her web” that she occasionally uses to make her feel less lonely. I have an amazing friend who used to be a spider (before I met her) and it took years of therapy for her to fix that part of herself. She talks about it with deep regret now but has helped me avoid a few spiders of my own.

Run, dude. Run as fast as you can.

LilBlackCat posted 12/6/2018 18:26 PM

You know what.. the spider analogy, really nails it..

Yeah, I shut it down..

She would reach out to me in the middle of the night for comforting due to stressful situations or other stuff that was going on with her and her kids. (mostly all grown and moved out) I thought I was of some importance with that kind of treatment..

but I now see what her game was.. and obviously is.. Just not with me anymore.

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