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The pain is to much

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keptmyword posted 12/2/2018 03:55 AM

The only part I still have a hard time with is if i did truly give 100% showing the love and attention as she was begging for, for the longest time that I wouldnít be in the situation I am in now. I agree with everyone, that gave her no reason to cheat, itís not an excuse for her, but I guess I still fight with the notion well weíd still be happy with no problems if I was that guy she asked for all along ya know.

Enough.

No.

It had nothing to do with you or your relationship.

There is nothing you could have said and nothing you could have done that would have prevented her from behaving the way she chose to behave.

Her behavior, her character, her morality, her integrity, and her happiness are NOT dependent on you, were never dependent on you, and will never be dependent on anyone else but HER.

Your happiness and behavior are your own responsibility.

It was not your job or task to ďmakeĒ her happy.

If you leave your happiness in someone elseís hands, then you are guaranteed to never be happy.

Your happiness is your own responsibility.

Freeme posted 12/2/2018 07:12 AM

Please follow your Dad's advice. Please follow others advice. Your GF is very broken immature and she is manipulating you into thinking this is your fault. You have given 110% in other areas.

You have given her and her kids a roof, cosigned on her car, taken care of her kids one of which has developmental issues that make him difficult. Taken in her pets even though you didn't want them. Hell she's been sleeping on the couch for the past while so sexual needs weren't even being met.

You need to get it into your head that cheating isn't a healthy reaction to not getting enough attention from your boyfriend. That maybe you were pulling away because you realized that SHE comes with too much baggage and isn't putting enough into the relationship to balance that out.

I have a feeling that once you let the OBS know you will have your gf back at your door. She will probably blame the whole thing on you, losing her job...but she will want you to beg her to come back. DO NOT do it. She really needs to get her act together before you let her in your house and allow yourself to be taken advantage of again. If she doesn't this will happen again and again. It isn't about you not giving her enough attention it's about her being very broken.

Please see an IC about this. Find out why you are so willing to take the blame for her affair. Why you are so willing to take on such a huge amount of baggage and get so little in return. Why your reaction to her cheating was to "become more attentive and hide what you know," rather than throw her out. I think you know that you can do better than this girl... you need to figure out why you are willing to settle. Do you need to be the white knight?

I don't want to sound mean in this posting it's the opposite. I feel like you have so much potential and so much going for you but are willing to be treated very badly and actually seem to think you deserve it. Are wanting to take the blame.

5pointoh posted 12/2/2018 09:22 AM

Iím so numb when it comes to you you hurt me so bad I cried and cried you never changed now itís hard to even think about a future like maybe we need time apart to heal Idk kids are going to live with their dads until I can get back on my feet

But you donít understand Iíve cried so many times for you to change but you couldnít! Itís like you didnít care.

I love you as a person. Iím always gonna have love for you. But you seriously put me through the most depressing times of my life. I donít know how to accept your apology and Iím so scared of getting hurt AGAIN. Because Iíve finally started to heal myself and now Iím throwing my heart back out there. You have to put yourself in my shoes

I work so much I donít know what I want. I canít even process have of whatís going on anymore. Iím tired running on no fucking sleep. And you have made me so unhappy for so long Iím just numb. I love you as a person. I just need time.

I need time & space. Yes I know we both have a lot in this house I put a lot in even if we donít work out Iíll never see it. The kids & I love you we always will. But right now Iím doing whatís best for the kids and I. Going back to sleep.


These were the texts she sent me towards the end when I was texting her begging her back last week after she all of a sudden decided not to give me last chance again. By reading them you can tell itís all about her. She couldnít even say we were completely done because like my dad and best friend said she prolly didnít because she knows the financial stability I provide for her and the kids even thou she has them living with their dad now while she supposedly tryís to get back on her feet living with her cousin that can hardly provide for herself.

My best friend did tell me he personally wouldnít even let the wife know because thereís no telling what the guy might do ya know. He said it might cause more unnecessary drama in your life that you donít need and let her find out eventually on her own. He thinks the guy will never leave his wife especially with a kid on the way and thinks that since sheís pregnant at home fantasy and sexual needs are satisfying him now with my ex. Of course itís speculation but a possibility. Idk I still feel like I should let her know of her husbands infidelity with my ex but I see his point as well.

[This message edited by 5pointoh at 9:29 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Buster123 posted 12/2/2018 10:11 AM

Inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), she has a right to know, if it was the other way around you would like to know, it's the right thing to do, let her make an informed decision about her M, don't worry about the POSOM, he should have thought about the consequences before he started banging your ex, most of the time there's no drama at all, he will dump your ex and throw her under the bus, he will be too busy trying to save his M.

TimSC posted 12/2/2018 10:32 AM

Finally healing and throwing my heart back out there"

Can not get plainer than that. She is trolling for the next room mate.

Put all her possessions in boxes and put them in a storage facility. Pay the rent for a couple of months and send her the address and key. Ask her where she wants the dogs delivered.

She is gone and is now using you to store her animals and all her crap until she can find a new man to take your place.

For you to heal, you really have to sever all ties.

TimSC posted 12/2/2018 10:35 AM

I think she was cheating since just before she made the move to the couch and stopped sleeping in your bed.

LtCdrLost posted 12/2/2018 10:42 AM

Let her go, forget her. She's 100% toxic to your life.

keptmyword posted 12/2/2018 11:13 AM

Iím so numb when it comes to you you hurt me so bad I cried and cried you never changed now itís hard to even think about a future like maybe we need time apart to heal Idk kids are going to live with their dads until I can get back on my feet

But you donít understand Iíve cried so many times for you to change but you couldnít! Itís like you didnít care.

I love you as a person........blah, blah, blah.......

The pity-party rantings of a selfish, child-minded adult.

I understand that this is still somewhat new to you and you may be in kind of an emotional malaise at this point still.

You need to allow your anger to come out and know that it is ok to feel angry because this person betrayed you and has been using you.

Let your anger out in a controlled and strategic way that will help you finally extract yourself from her world of infidelity, lies, and manipulation.

Fuck the text messages - consider them irrelevant at this point.

Stop trying to see the world from her perspective because that is an exercise in utter futility.

Freeme posted 12/2/2018 12:26 PM

He thinks the guy will never leave his wife especially with a kid on the way and thinks that since sheís pregnant at home fantasy and sexual needs are satisfying him now with my ex. Of course itís speculation but a possibility.
If we are going to speculate let's add some reality to the speculation. We have a pregnant OBS... that has no idea that her husband is cheating on her. Your gf could be the only one or it could be several. This guy could be a player all around. She needs to know because she needs to get checked for STD's before she has the baby.
Chances are she knows something isnt' right in the marriage but when she brings it up he tells her that she is crazy and hormonal. She thinks she is going crazy and is trying to work her butt off trying to save a marriage not knowing it's not her... it's the third person that is involved.

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do. It will also be a rude awakening to your gf. She will most likely be kicked to the curb so quickly her head will spin.

Do it now. The longer you wait the worse it will get. Do not tell your gf you are going to do it. Do not contact OM directly, and try to blackmail him. Just do it.

5pointoh posted 12/2/2018 22:01 PM

So she text me tonight after 3 days of no contact asking if I will be working tomorrow. I knew this was coming because she wants me to be at work so she can come grab and pack more of her things. Yes she still has a key and my plan is tomorrow changing the locks so she canít do it again while Iím at work. But I have not responded yet because when I sent her a long text begging for reconciliation at the time 3 days ago pouring my feelings she didnít respond. Nor did she respond to my family who she loved when they reached out to her asking how things were. She just read it and never responded. I am going to work tomorrow so I know she will come. Iím not worried about her taking things not belonging to her but should I respond or just ignore as she has?

anoldlion posted 12/2/2018 23:15 PM

Pack up everything that belongs to her and have it delivered to her. Cut all financial support your are providing her. Cut communications with her. After you have done all this then RUN. Whatever you have done that you think sent her away, she obviously is not going to get over it as evident by having a new man in her life. Cut her loose and find someone else. And treat you next partner with love, attention, and respect. Next time find a woman nearer your own age. I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 11:17 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

DeWittle posted 12/2/2018 23:16 PM

Stay no contact. I donít advise letting her in without you having representation, not wise.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/3/2018 03:42 AM

Your WGF has shown you what she is really like, and you had better believe that this is the actual 'her'.

Yes, you did not give her affection, etc. She could have left if she was not happy. Instead, she decided to piss and sh*t on you by having an affair.

It was not a mistake. Affairs are NEVER mistakes. They are heinous decisions that were/are made, with the end result of hurting their SO. The WS may not seem to think that they did it with that intent, but subconsciously, the decisions were made with that as a factor. A person can pick up a weapon, and they know that the weapon's purpose is to cause trauma at the very least. So, when a WS picks to have an affair, they know full well that it will cause trauma, and yet they continue with it, so they had the intention to hurt their BS.

In your case, please try and pull yourself out of your self-imposed funk. The mindset will do you no good. Try and stop the hand-wringing behavior, as that is not contributing to you healing. No self-pity, as this was not your fault that your WGF went off to look for someone else to replace you.

If you are hell bent on R, then you will need to inform the OBS. This is so that the OBS can retain some self-respect also.

Listen to your father's advice. It is spot on, and you know that he has your interest at heart. He is right in that your WGF has everything to lose, and you have everything to gain, since you are the one with the stable life and career. You are 38, and that is not too old to find anyone else. You have load in your favour.

Freeme posted 12/3/2018 06:48 AM

I wouldn't respond and I would put everything of value in one room and lock it. You might not think she would take anything but your WGF seems extremely entitled, she might feel that certain items are hers just because...

Yes I know we both have a lot in this house I put a lot in even if we donít work out Iíll never see it.
Her text messages to you were textbook Cheater speak.

Iím so numb when it comes to you you hurt me so bad I cried and cried you never changed now itís hard to even think about a future like maybe we need time apart to heal Idk kids are going to live with their dads until I can get back on my feet
But you donít understand Iíve cried so many times for you to change but you couldnít! Itís like you didnít care.
This is blameshifting. Notice she doesn't say anything about all you have done for her? It's all about how horrible you are. It's all about rewriting your history together so she doesn't feel guilty for cheating. There are so many other things she could have done. I don't doubt that she was cheating when she move to the coach.

I love you as a person. Iím always gonna have love for you. But you seriously put me through the most depressing times of my life. I donít know how to accept your apology and Iím so scared of getting hurt AGAIN. Because Iíve finally started to heal myself and now Iím throwing my heart back out there. You have to put yourself in my shoes
More blameshifting but she is also trying to leave the door open a bit because she needs your help with the pets, the car...

I work so much I donít know what I want. I canít even process have of whatís going on anymore. Iím tired running on no fucking sleep. And you have made me so unhappy for so long Iím just numb. I love you as a person. I just need time.

I need time & space. Yes I know we both have a lot in this house I put a lot in even if we donít work out Iíll never see it. The kids & I love you we always will. But right now Iím doing whatís best for the kids and I. Going back to sleep.

Time and space means she wants to continue to cheat without you around to keep an eye on her and make her feel guilty. Time and space does not mean she wants to be alone and figure out why she is treating you so badly.


She is living in a fantasy that OM is going to take care of her, the kids, and her pets (like you did). That he is going to leave his pregnant wife and they are going to run away together. You need to blow this fantasy up. You need to let the OBS know what is going on in her own marriage. You WGF will probably get fired and OM will go no Contact and she will know that you know the truth about her cheating with a married man.

The correct advice is that you should not respond to her message. My advise is that you should respond with something like.

"When you gather your belong you need to take everything including your pets. If we are taking time and space I do not need any reminders of you at the place. We have broken up I am not your pet sitter."

Are you cosigned on her car? You need to address getting your name off of that ASAP. Are you paying her insurance, phone, or anything else of hers? You need to stop that. You are not being nice right now you are being used.

Think about how long she has been cheating with OM (since she moved the coach). During that time you were paying for everything, taking care of everything while she was dating OM. You were being treated like a doormat and she is likely to continue to do that as long as you allow it.

She wants time and space show her what real time and space looks like. That is the quickest way for her to really see all the things you have done for her. If you keep doing these things it will just be taken for granted.
You also need to aggressivly detach yourself from this girl. Are you paying her insurance?

5pointoh posted 12/3/2018 07:01 AM

Yes the car i also am paying for the insurance. Her name isn't even on it, because it would have been even higher. I took a dumb risk i know. I am going to be contacting her dad today to see if he can co-sign for her and take over the loan and get my name off of it or i am gonna just tell her im taking the car and going to have to sell it ASAP and get what i can for it and find a way to pay for the losses. I think it will be about 2-3k upside down unfortunately. Yes her time and space includes speaking and seeing him and continuing their affair relationship. As soon as her cousin got a place to stay which was about a month ago, was when i know she started making her move, because now that i think more about it, its when everything started coming together. Her cousin mind you that is only 20 years old, was already working at this place and she got her to apply to work. She has no family other than her dad, she always complained about it and was sad she didnt have one and ALWAYS praised that she had me and my family. Because my dad and step mother took her in as their own as well and she always said that she was so lucky to basically have a mom again. She cut them off and blocked them too with no explanation just like that. Its just crazy but yes true colors are shown.

I received her text this morning otw to work, she said she was coming to grab a vacuum just to do the carpets over at her cousins before she has to work today. I didn't respond, so obviously she still isnt gonna take the dogs or any more of her stuff.

notanotherchance posted 12/3/2018 08:36 AM

Dude

I received her text this morning otw to work, she said she was coming to grab a vacuum just to do the carpets over at her cousins before she has to work today. I didn't respond, so obviously she still isnt gonna take the dogs or any more of her stuff.

The dog's, text her folks that someone has to come get them or they will be pound bound like tomorrow, all her shite to the curb, locks changed & all communication severed.

Seriously dude the sooner and farther away she is in your rear view mirror the better & clearer the road ahead.

Sending strength my man

Freeme posted 12/4/2018 05:42 AM

Just to rehash a few things you've said.

Well I do know the wifeís brother through meeting my ex so I think today I am going to try and get in touch with him and show him everything of what has been going on.
It's the right thing to do and will knock her out of her fantasy so she sees it isn't some romantic relationship...shes a homewrecker plain and simple. Ask the friend that told you not to tell
the OBS if you were to see his gf hot and heavy with some guy would he want to know? Would he be fine with you not telling him because you want to stay out of the drama? Would he be fine if he caught an STD from her... that you could have prevented? You need to let this woman know what is going on in her marriage.

I'm going to change the locks tomorrow.
She shouldn't be able to come and go on a whim. Have you done this?

"I'm going to contact her dad and see if he will co-sign on the car loan so I can be taken off." As you know this is huge. If she totals that car you are going to be out more than a few thousand dollars.

I'm sorry, she is using you and you seem fine with letting it go as long as it doesn't cause drama. Why are you allowing this to go on?

Are you still paying for her phone?

She on the other hand, has moved out. She has a car that she has no legal right to, she has dropped off her kids off with her ex, she is living with a 20 yo and texting/hooking up with a married man. She has gotten rid of all her responsibilities either by having her ex take care of them or having you.

You need to say enough is enough and start cutting her off and protecting yourself. She asked for this break so you shouldn't feel any guilt in cutting her off. Just do it.

Is this really someone that you would want to marry and have kids with?

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:24 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

5pointoh posted 12/4/2018 13:18 PM

So since this no contact period 5 days now, she keeps posting this glamour headshots of herself on snapchat. She never deleted me from that. I guess she is seeing if i am gonna be one of the ones to click on it? Because you can see who does. I refuse too. Shes also posting them now everyday on her Instagram because i can still see it thru another account even though im blocked. Is this her validation coping technique or what? I know it should not matter because we are done but just am curious.

RubixCubed posted 12/4/2018 20:38 PM

Is this her validation coping technique or what? I know it should not matter because we are done but just am curious.

It's the shallow actions of an attention whore.
Just use it as justification that moving on is the absolute right thing to do.

5pointoh posted 12/6/2018 11:26 AM

So she finally got her own phone plan and changed her number last night. She text me this morning saying that this is her new number. Its been a week basically with no contact. I just immediately responded with. "Ok, what is your work schedule this week"?

She responded with, "I work everyday, why?"

I said, "Because sometime this weekend before you go into work I need you to meet up with me so we can discuss things that need and will happen by holding a civil ADULT conversation.

She just responded with "K"

So much for it already to be talked as adults huh? Shes obviously already pissed. But im gonna say that car is staying until she can refinance it herself through someone else or im gonna have to try and sell it, because my name is coming off that title. That she needs to take her BLANKIN dogs with her too, im not dog sitting no more, and that she needs to schedule a date to get everything out of the house. I think she knows this is coming and what im gonna discuss thats why i got the response i got. What do you all think?

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