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Confrontation, Admission, Now what

RBPM posted 12/27/2018 16:10 PM

After meeting with an attorney last Wednesday, I did confront my husband of 31 years about his affair and he admitted to it -- a 33 year old divorced coworker (was not the first person I guessed, but was the second). He still protected her -- wouldn't tell me who it was until I guessed, said she was a friend and they were helping each other through rough patches, blah, blah, blah. He was a wreck the night I asked him to leave -- begged me to let him stay in the basement cause he couldn't trust being by himself. I told him our youngest daughter who is home on break would not come home until he was gone. And, he went to the OP's place for the night and to work the next day (I had told him to, which was more of a test than a permission slip). He had to return home twice to tell our other 2 adult children when they each returned home for the holidays. Was completely devastating to everyone. He then finally told his mother and drove to spend Christmas with her. I've done whatever I can to avoid him, as our kids have as well. Our youngest is now returning to school a week early on New Year's eve and I don't know what to do next. The lawyer did send me a retainer agreement, which I have not yet signed -- do I need to already? My WS has been texting me nonstop but his words ring hollow to me. I don't think I can forgive and forget -- it went on for months and the amount of lying is unimaginable to me. I deserve better. I'm doing whatever I can to take care of myself, but also need to know what my next steps are. I know not to rush into anything, but should I sign the agreement and pay the retainer even if I'm not sure what's next? Do I let him live in the basement for the time being while we figure things out? 31 years of our lives and finances are completely intertwined. I know it's going to take time.

DIFM posted 12/27/2018 17:16 PM

I know not to rush into anything, but should I sign the agreement and pay the retainer even if I'm not sure what's next?

This is just one BS's opinion, but I think that if you can afford it and you trust this attorney, you should pay the retainer. There is no substitute for being prepared. Getting the attorney on retainer doesn't commit you to rushing into anything. But it sends an overwhelmingly clear message to your WS that you have drawn a line and are not afraid to make whatever decision you need to get out, if the shitstorm gets too much to handle.

I am sorry for you being in this trauma. We are here to support you.

beenthereinco posted 12/27/2018 17:23 PM

So if you don't take him back now into the basement where is he going to live? Is he staying with the AP now until you decide what to do?

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 17:50 PM

Is your goal to absolutely get a divorce or use the filing for divorce as a stepping stone to considering reconciliation as his world implodes and the affair is killed? Either way the attorney has to be paid first. But before picking the first attorney you speak is rushing it. Might not be a bad idea to speak to perhaps three and go with the firm you are most comfortable with.

I know it is not easy to keep your goals and thoughts in order with the emotional maelstrom his cheating has thrust on you. That making appointments for this time of year is horrible. But getting a lemon attorney in the beginning will just prolong the miserable process.

Just a thought.

Marie2792 posted 12/27/2018 18:27 PM

He went straight to the AP. He isnít worthy of your reconciliation gift, if you are ready to give it. I would proceed with the retainer and line up your ducks. Perhaps ask the attorney if a post nup is legal and binding in your state.

max2018 posted 12/27/2018 18:33 PM

. I deserve better. I'm doing whatever I can to take care of myself,

First keep this mentally

Second file for divorce


He is not worth it

Clara1 posted 12/27/2018 19:03 PM

Iím so sorry youíre going through this. Given this is a 31 year old marriage, Iím guessing weíre in a similar age range. For me, getting my financial ducks in a row immediately was necessary. Even though I was (and still am) reeling in pain, I had the presence of mind to make sure I took care of my financial future (retirement is not that far off). I would suggest checking into the divorce laws in your state. You may also want to talk to your tax accountant, if you use one. I live in a community property state with no time requirements for separation/divorce. Very quickly, we had a Ďdate of separationí and began the process of drawing up a Ďmarital settlement agreementí (MSA), all at my insistence. The MSA is binding, so should I decide to pull the trigger on a divorce, the financial settlement is done. All of this did cost, but having some piece of mind is worth it for me. Every situation is different, do what is best for you.

The1stWife posted 12/27/2018 21:44 PM

If you do decide to reconcile I suggest a post nup. This will financially protect you. It should state any $ in your name is not marital assets and not part of your D. It should state D for any reason.

Lalagirl posted 12/28/2018 09:50 AM

He went straight to the AP. He isnít worthy of your reconciliation gift

This. He could have gotten a hotel room, slept in his car, anything but go to her. He blew it, IMO.

(((RBPM))) I know you hurt, but girl, you're on it and you have taken swift strides to get out of infidelity. I applaud you.

Sign the retainer. This does not mean you have to D if things change.

Keep posting...we're here for you.

Bigger posted 12/28/2018 10:37 AM

I say pay the retainer.
What you need to know is how and if infidelity affects a possible divorce settlement and how to best ensure your interests irrespective of if you reconcile or divorce.
Your husband wonít be the first middle-age-plus man that finds a new GF and initially plans on being fair and amicable to his wife only to change his mind later on. Eight months from now then taking his new love to the Bahamas might have priority over paying his daughters tuition or your credit-card. He could cash out his 401 to buy a new house for all you know.
What you want is a very clear picture of your financial and legal obligations and a structured path forwards. Even if you reconcile you want a binding contract regarding finances and what can and canít be touched. Just in case.

twisted posted 12/28/2018 11:03 AM

He went straight to the AP. He isnít worthy of your reconciliation gift
This. He could have gotten a hotel room, slept in his car, anything but go to her. He blew it, IMO.

Yeah, pay the retainer. He begged you to let him stay, then went straight to the AP ? He made his decision clear.

RBPM posted 12/29/2018 10:16 AM

Thank you everyone. I did meet with the attorney prior to him sending the retainer to find out my rights in Maryland and have a pretty clear picture of that. He is someone I'm acquainted with who has an excellent reputation in our area so I feel confident there. My WS is continuing to lie to try to cover himself so my decision has been made. Will be signing the retainer and moving forward with trying to figure out who I am and what the next stage of my life will look like. Thank you again to all of you.

StillLivin posted 12/30/2018 02:41 AM

I am so sorry this has happened to you, but you've made the right choice. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself for a while. There is no shame in getting counseling if you feel you need it. Post here as often as you need to.

Bleu posted 12/30/2018 05:51 AM

You are remarkable. You are handling the discovery of his affair very well.

Like others, I suggest signing the retainer and moving forward. You could always change your mind although he has already presented evidence showing that he may not be a safe partner. (You discovered the affair , he minimized the affair by saying they helped each other through rough patches, he went to stay with her.)

If you have the resources, I would not allow him to live in the basement. The sooner he lives the new life he chose, the better. I believe it's your best chance for him to begin to understand the agony he has caused and the massive undertaking of reconciliation should that ever be on the table.

Krieger posted 12/30/2018 14:45 PM

I hate to see situations like this, particularly at Christmas time when everyone else seems so high, it make the low times feel even lower. You are being very smart getting the upper hand legally. Take account of all property and decide how you would like to divide things, so you are prepared when the time comes. You need to make a plan on what you want to do after the papers are signed and start working towards those goals.

Lalagirl posted 1/2/2019 06:40 AM

Hello, RBPM - just checking in on my fellow Maryland SI sister. Hope you're doing ok.

((((HUGS))))

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