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Knowing your worth

Newlease posted 3/14/2019 16:15 PM

One of the best things to come out of this whole ordeal (the A, false R, D and horrible first rebound relationship) is that I finally, at the age of 50, realized my worth. I'm now 58.

My supervisor was sharing a story about her college freshman daughter who is having a difficult time with her first love. They are attending separate colleges and the long distance thing is beginning to strain with her putting in most of the effort.

I told her that learning your own worth is a lesson better learned early in life rather than waiting as long as I did. When I look back on my marriage of 24 years, I realize I did ALL the heavy lifting in our relationship. I was always giving and he was always taking, but I made it work - probably because I didn't feel worthy of his esteem.

My current SO values me. I never feel afraid to state my feelings and stand up for myself. Sometimes we argue but recently I got a sincere apology from him and I realized I had NEVER received an apology from any man in my life (other than my sons) until this moment. I was almost overcome.

It is good to know I am worthy and a shame it took me so long to realize it.

NL

Phoenix1 posted 3/14/2019 16:27 PM

I could not agree more, NL! It IS a valuable lesson, and one that SHOULD be learned early. I could have written your post about doing all the heavy lifting, ex being a taker, and never getting an apology.

I've been trying to impart my learned life lessons with my DDs. They seem to be "getting it" and are not the least bit apprehensive about standing up for themselves when it's appropriate.

Better late than never!

LilBlackCat posted 3/14/2019 17:19 PM

You know what's funny.. I remember that when WW first unloaded her excuses on my about why it her turn to be important and that she always gave so much (and instead of saying for the family.. said me)

I was crushed...

FF a good year and a half and she had called to let me know she was going to visit the kids.. but when started veering into all these bills and she can't believe what assholes the reps can be. She mentioned, then paused.. "I do not remember it being this bad"..

That's when I said.. Yeah, cause you never dealt with all the bills before... and I then laughed.. yeah, she got pissed and then sad.. started the woah is me stuff and we hung up.

That was one of my first self discoveries that I did a whole lot more than WW ever recognized.. And it was manly cause, unless I needed to talk about money management in regards to creative budgeting.. I never really consulted her and just took care of it.. and would be like, hey.. I paid the cable or insurance, or whatever.. or we got a break on our new policy.. I never showboated that I was doing it.. I just did it.

To this day, WW is forever struggling to juggle her bills..

Another thing, with me being pretty tech savvy.. My apartment is low pro hated by WW as the kids who are with her.. keep asking when is she going to get the "hey google" installed.. I have three floor fans on wifi outlets, I have Philips hue bulbs in our main lamps in each bedroom. The lamps are on auto timers as well.. all linked with google.. I just need to get the google hub for the livingroom/kitchen area since it has a display.

but once you realize that you not worthless and that if someone else doesn't acknowledge it.. it's ok, screw them!

Newlease posted 3/15/2019 07:44 AM

This was me in our marriage:

That was one of my first self discoveries that I did a whole lot more than WW ever recognized.. And it was manly cause, unless I needed to talk about money management in regards to creative budgeting.. I never really consulted her and just took care of it.. and would be like, hey.. I paid the cable or insurance, or whatever.. or we got a break on our new policy.. I never showboated that I was doing it.. I just did it.

I didn't consider it manly, it just became my job because XWH didn't want to do it. I did get one admission after the D was final and he was trying to set up a home on his own. He said, "I never realized how many things you did for us." I made no response as none was necessary, but I thought - yes, dumbass - I did so much that was never acknowledged.

NL

TrustGone posted 3/15/2019 13:59 PM

It's a shame we took so many years to finally realize how worthy we are. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache, blood, sweat, and tears had I realized it sooner. I am glad that my new hubby realizes how much I do for him. He loves having me home taking care of the necessities while he works to support us. I spent years working a full time job, raising two kids, taking care of the bills, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, yard work, classes, etc. only to not be appreciated for all the things I did. Then to be accused of not giving the XWH's enough sex because I was exhausted all the time boggles my mind. Now I don't have to work and it's like a huge weight has been lifted. I even tell hubby if I am feeling
overwhelmed and he steps up to help me and he never complains about not enough sex. It's too bad it took so long to realize our worth.

J707 posted 3/16/2019 10:31 AM

I can totally relate. I did everything and never puffed my chest around bragging about it. I'm the type of guy if something needs to be done you just do it. Cooked every night, all the laundry, yard work, worked full time, kids to school 4/5 days, pick up after, paid all the bills etc. Now that we aren't together and waiting on the D, since all that stuff comes natural to me it's easy. I have so much more time for me on my hands. Meanwhile she is drowning in debt and has to do all those things and struggles to do so and she is in Accounting. How do you do that for a living and can't seem to budget your own life. Haha. One day someone will appreciate all the work I do, she'll never have the benefit of me that she took advantage of. Makes me feel good since I know just how kickass I am! With this extra time today I'm taking the kids to the beach, sunny days ahead!

honesttoafault posted 3/16/2019 14:49 PM

I know what you are saying. No matter how much I did, it wasn't enough, and if I ever responded to some criticism, I would get, "That's what a good wife does." I never felt good enough.

Since I was doing everything anyway, him being gone is just easier (except financially, he hasn't given me a dime) because I don't have to do everything for him. Realizing I don't need him at all and I can do things better on my own is great.

He's helpless. I met him for the last time to talk about finances at a local sandwich place and he says to me to help him pick out what he likes. He can't even remember things he likes to eat. I just told him that I'm not eating and I don't have time.

J707 posted 3/16/2019 21:05 PM

Oh, just thought about the last 11 months since my last Dday. I have a plan set in place to be debt free by the end of the year and have been working on it since Dday. I'm saving more now while paying off marital debt and paying for everything that my kids need. She can't drain me anymore and I'll spend how I choose too. No wonder we never had any money

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