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The second time!

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G192 posted 5/15/2019 02:08 AM

After having suspected my wife has been seeing someone for some time I found out for definite last week after she forgot to log out of her facebook account.
Since January she had started going out on Friday and Sunday nights and often staying out "with a friend" because of not being able to drive home after drinking.
On one Sunday evening I thought I might go and surprise her and join her in the pub she goes to only to see her through the window kissing a guy so I just went home. She tried to play this down saying it was just a drunken friendly kiss. Other times she has "gone shopping for the day with girly friends" some of these in distant towns and stayed over because of the distance. So some Sundays I would go and find the pub where she would go and always with the same guy.
Over time I would see her with him and she would play things down saying he was just a friend. But when she left her Facebook open I could see her messages to her genuine friends telling them about her times with him and how she is trying to build up courage to tell me its over and all sorts of stuff.
Since then she has admitted she's being seeing him but says there has been no (her words) "full sex" which I find difficult to believe.
Unfortunately she had another affair about 8 years ago which we got through and about 2 years ago I was convinced she had another affair but could never prove it.
This time though I feel I cannot even try to work through it because I am convinced she will do it again.
I know it's all still very recent and the feelings are raw but in my mind I'm quite resolute that we are finished.
Because of financial constraints we are in a position where we will still have to live together for a few months while I get some money together to be able to get a place of my own.
For both of us this is the second marriage. Our house is rented so this makes things easier but she will need tge house as we still have three kids at home. They are my step kids and not actually my own kids and they are 17, 19 and 21 so are older and more or less independent so again this will also make things easier.
So this is my story... And having read through the other people's experiences I know I'm not alone.

The1stWife posted 5/15/2019 04:37 AM

G192

Iím sorry it has come to this. I guess you know why her first marriage ended (the truth maybe?).

I think you are being smart about getting $ together. You know the end is near and now you just need to act on your plan.

See a lawyer. In your state infidelity may not require alimony. You may be able to sue the AP for alienation of affection. Save her FB posts and show your attorney.

And Iím sure her kids know sheís having an affair. It is obvious but you need to be honest. Tell them their moms has a BF.

And keep your plans under wraps until you leave. Just play along and let her think she is fooling you. It is better that way.

You donít have to discuss anything with her.

But now you need to cancel any joint accounts such as credit cards or bank accounts. Change your retirement beneficiaries and life insurance beneficiaries. Stop funding her lifestyle as much as possible.

Mene posted 5/15/2019 04:57 AM

As I always advise to BS who have no kids (Iím assuming you donít cause you havenít specified in your story, just LEAVE. Run. You deserve better.

RocketRaccoon posted 5/15/2019 05:00 AM

G192,

No kids, no reason to stay.

You have suffered through one confirmed, and another suspected A already, and am sure yo know what to do (tip: it sounds like leaf).

Your WW obviously does not have any respect for you, and you are possibly being used to bankroll the lives of her and her kids (well, they're not really kids anymore, are they?).

Please don't get yourself hooked on Hope that she will change. Hope is a powerful thing, and can it is a double edged sword. It can help people achieve great things, but it also can destroy people utterly. Hope that your WW changes is not a good thing. It will destroy you.

Do not be passive. I do hope that yo managed to take pictures/videos of her when you went to the pub, as that can help your resolve. Does not matter if it can be used in the courts, but it is to remind yourself how your WW is treating you.

There is a high chance that she will try and have sex with you, to keep you hooked. I do hope you use the head on your shoulders, rather than the one between your legs, to make the decision not to sleep with her.

I will leave you with one other tip for the day:

I could see her messages to her genuine friends telling them about her times with him and how she is trying to build up courage to tell me its over and all sorts of stuff.

They are not your friends, so don't expect them to help you. They know of your WWs shenanigans, but did not inform you. If maybe you suffer some temporary insanity, and propose to R(econcile) with your WW, these 'friends' will need to go.

Buster123 posted 5/15/2019 08:21 AM

She's a serial cheater, just file for D and have her served without warning and EXPOSE her A with all family and close friends. Don't forget to get tested for STDs.

WilliamM posted 5/15/2019 08:48 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you told anyone about her affairs?

G192 posted 5/15/2019 10:07 AM

Thank you all for your replies. It is heartening to hear from so many people.
Just to clarify, I am in the UK.
In answer to the question have I told anybody, the answer is yes. I had a big melt down at work last Thursday so there are a couple of people who know what's happened. There are quite a few now who knows I'm looking to leave her but don't know why. The support I'm getting from the guys at work is huge and I don't kjnow how I would get through without them.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/15/2019 10:16 AM

I would suspect your financial situation would be improved if she stopped going out all the time spending money that could be used for bills or savings (or a divorce lawyer and another place) but that's another thread.

You're smart to move ahead with divorce. She's proven she doesn't see herself as married so there's not point in trying to pull it together again. Your life will be much better without her and perhaps, when you fix your 'picker' and pick a different type of woman, you'll find someone who can keep their legs closed around other men.

Take care of yourself.

Marz posted 5/15/2019 10:21 AM

After having suspected my wife has been seeing someone for some time I found out for definite last week after she forgot to log out of her facebook account.

Your gut is usually right. It seems you can trust that more than your wife

Unfortunately she had another affair about 8 years ago which we got through and about 2 years ago I was convinced she had another affair but could never prove it.

You probably only know the tip of the iceberg. You just keep getting repeat performances.

Judging from her past history you'll probably get more if you stay in this.

What are you trying to achieve here? What did you really expect after the first 2 episodes?

Hoping and wishing will get you more of what you've been getting.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:27 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

ICaughtThem posted 5/15/2019 12:17 PM

Since then she has admitted she's being seeing him but says there has been no (her words) "full sex" which I find difficult to believe.

She's stayed overnight with him in a different city. Why wouldn't she have sex with him, especially when she told you she was staying with her female friend? Cheaters don't talk about leaving their spouses for "just a friend". She's been test driving him as her next spouse for quite a while.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/15/2019 12:41 PM

I agree with everything but this:

And Iím sure her kids know sheís having an affair. It is obvious but you need to be honest. Tell them their moms has a BF.

I would tell her that SHE needs to tell them or you will. These are your step children and this is their mother. I am the child of a second marriage stemming from an A and have a half-sibling resulting from it. There ARE right and wrong ways to deal with this situation regarding children, even if they are young adults or close to it. I have a lot of issues with my mother and my step-father but they handled this in about as decent a way as possible.

In your situation you have the "luxury" of walking away from them when you separate/divorce (you didn't state how long you've been married - how close you are to them) so this situation is a delicate one. You have to talk to their mother and tell her that you think it should be done together...and see what her response is. This is different than telling the OBS - very much so.

LivingWithPain posted 5/15/2019 12:47 PM

I agree with your plan. Save up some money and move out and divorce her.

She is a serial cheater and has proven she cannot be trusted.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you are not the bio-dad of those kids. Hopefully she won't be able to hit you up for child support.

The1stWife posted 5/15/2019 21:53 PM

Your cheating spouse may not be honest with your step children about why your marriage is ending. Typical cheater move is to blame the Betrayed spouse.

I suggest you tell them - either with your wife present or solo.

I would not give her an opportunity to say something on her own to them. I think I it could be a mistake.

TimSC posted 5/16/2019 11:56 AM

Nothing really holding you there.

Move out and ghost her. She is a serial cheater and will cheat on who ever she ends up with.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/16/2019 13:25 PM

stop paying for or contributing to stuff for those kids. 3rd times a charm I guess. So many others come back here time and time again, you certainly are not the first and will not be the last.

i hope you get a good attorney and get to get free from this women, without having to help support her or her older children.

changeneeded posted 5/16/2019 13:38 PM

Telling her friends?

Sounds like she hangs with a bunch of losers, if you ask me. Anyone that encourages that type of behavior are not friends to anyone, especially one another.

I am sorry you are hurting and having to go through this, stick around, this is a great bunch.

ISurvived7734 posted 5/16/2019 14:00 PM

Divorce.

beenthereinco posted 5/16/2019 18:21 PM

I'm old. I know it but I don't understand how someone can allow their partner to do this

Since January she had started going out on Friday and Sunday nights and often staying out "with a friend" because of not being able to drive home after drinking.

more than one time. Once you get your WW out of your life really think about what you need from a partner before you enter into another relationship. Just so you know this type of behavior is not normal. Expecting that your partner will not go out and stay out all night with her friends every f***ing weekend is not too much to ask.

I see this on here all the time in different variations and I don't understand it. Like I said I am old but I don't think this is normal behavior for any age group. Occasional girls or guys night outs are one thing. A steady habit of going out with friends drinking without you is not something you should ever allow.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/16/2019 19:36 PM

^^^^ 💯

Bladerunner2054 posted 5/17/2019 09:17 AM

This time though I feel I cannot even try to work through it because I am convinced she will do it again.
I know it's all still very recent and the feelings are raw but in my mind I'm quite resolute that we are finished.

She will do it again. Be strong.

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