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12 Damn years later and I am back. - Need advice about my Teen

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uddup posted 8/13/2019 18:27 PM

Quick backstory - joined here in 2007 - wife had had two a affairs an EA that I discovered and it ended there an then but then a PA (another person) that went on and off for I think 4 or 5 years. Multiple discoveries with that long PA and I finally had enough and said we were separating, told the kids who were something like 7 and 8 years old that we going be living apart. Somehow this shook her, she ended the affair and we reconciled and moved to another city.

Started a whole new life. Things were good. Loved the people, the city kids were well-adjusted and had tons of friends, sports, strong community.

Yesterday - on a plane heading to a work conference and I get a message from an old friend/acquaintance - he reached out to see if I was okay. Ummm yeah dude I'm good. WHy?

He heard I found something on WS phone. I had, the night before. I asked him how he knew and what he knew. We went back and forth - and I asked... do me a favor, if you know something I need to know.

On a whim I said How many have there been? (Meaning other men) - he responded.... 4 (that he knows of)

Who? - gives me three names and he doesn't know who the 4th person is.

One is/was a friend. He was my sons hockey coach when he was about 11 or 12. We were friends. Single, younger guy with not a lot going for him.

The other two I know from the hockey community. We are a smallish city so the hockey community is tight.

The fourth guy - no idea - I'll find out though.

So here I am sitting on a plane at 35,000 feet leaving for 5 days for a conference with about another dozen or more co-workers on the 5 hour flight and I am getting fed this shit sandwich through Facebook Messenger on my phone. I can't freak out, I can't cry, scream or leave my damn seat. So I eat that shit sandwich.

He thought I should know. He knew about the other 3 for a while and even confronted WS about it at one point a couple of years ago but he claims he was played y her and he thought it would never happen again. When she told him I saw a message to the current AP he was pissed and felt I had to know. Even though this is going to cost a lot of friendships.

So now I have been stewing on this information for 36 hours. Lawyer-ed up. Getting a counselor for myself and my kids. Getting finances in order etc. My stbxw does not know that I know all this. She thinks I just saw a questionable text exchange and that has her a little worried.

So Friday I will be home - I need to confront her with this information - this has to happen face to face, plus I want all my pieces in place before I drop this on her.

Then we will have to explain to our DD(18) and DS(17) that we are getting divorced. And well they are going to want to know why. Now the right thing to do is to not go into specifics but people are talking and its a small community so there is a good chance my kids could find out from a third party.

So here is my question....what do I tell them?

I don't see how I can protect them from the coming storm. They have a strong relationship with their mom but this will leave that in ruins. It's going to hurt them beyond description.

I have no idea what to do.

She's a monster. There is one side of her that is this wonderful, loving caring person. Then there is this hidden part of her that is an absolute monster.


This is too fucked up to not have more to this story. I wonder what more news will come my way.


Any advice. Anyone?


SaddestDad posted 8/13/2019 18:48 PM

Shit, man. I'm sorry...

I don't really have any advice to offer - you're more a veteran at this than I. Then again, your kids are 17 and 18... they're old enough to understand what cheating is, no?
I guess I'd give them the pg-13 version just so you don't traumatize them. IMHO, They definitely should know who the most recent AP's are/were since they're part of the same social community & it'll help prevent them from the shame of finding out from someone else.

I've got a question though... how DID he know you found something on her phone literally the night before?
EDITED TO ADD: Why did she feel he was someone she could tell about her affairs to begin with?

[This message edited by SaddestDad at 6:49 PM, August 13th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

uddup posted 8/13/2019 18:53 PM

She had told him about her affairs in the past. I still quite don't understand why but I don't really care anymore. I just want off this crazy train.

Wouldn't be surprised if he is one of the many APs she's had and was pissed someone else was getting in on the action so decided to blow this whole thing up in her face (pun intended). That thought has crossed my mind.

Marriagesucks posted 8/13/2019 18:54 PM

I suspect your children know a lot more than you realize... especially your son. Your sons hockey coach? That's really low.

uddup posted 8/13/2019 18:58 PM

Yeah the choice of APs takes the betrayal beyond somthing between her I and takes it to a betrayal of her son.

This is next level fuckedupness. I am in shock right now but when this finally hits me I am going to be a mess.

You would never know that she was capable of this. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde thing.

[This message edited by uddup at 7:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

ibonnie posted 8/13/2019 19:03 PM

Don't villify her, but don't sugar coat things, either.

"I'm filing for divorce. I'm sure you'll have questions, and I promise I won't lie to you, and will always tell you the truth about things you need to know, but please keep in mind that even though we're all family, the marriage part was between your mother and I.

Your mother has cheated on me. I worked on forgiving her and moving forward years ago, but she has cheated again. I still love her, but no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone they can't trust, and who is willing to put their spouse's health at risk.

You don't need to know all the sordid details, but since we live in a small town, you should know that Adam, Bob, Charlie and Dan are all involved."

[This message edited by ibonnie at 7:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

uddup posted 8/13/2019 19:08 PM

ibonnie - thank-you that is so much better than anything I could muster in my current state of shock.

I won't vilify her with the kids. I'm angry and venting here. Sadly, they will do their own vilifying of her. I am concerned that this will make their relationship irreparable and I'm concerned about the long term damage to them emotionally and with trust and relationships in the future. This is a reason I am getting family therapy lined up. They will need help to cope. Help beyond my capability to give them.

Marz posted 8/13/2019 20:05 PM

I am concerned that this will make their relationship irreparable and I'm concerned about the long term damage to them emotionally and with trust and relationships in the future.

Do not make this your problem!!!! Let her deal with it. You have enough on your plate as it is.

It's better to deal with the truth upfront. You can fix a known. You can't do a damn thing about an unknow. That would just cause them more anxiety.

Ibonnies post was about as perfect as you can get. Print it out!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 8:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 8/13/2019 20:07 PM

So Friday I will be home - I need to confront her with this information - this has to happen face to face, plus I want all my pieces in place before I drop this on her.

Nope, you sure don't. Hell man she knows she's a serial cheater. Why go through all tha bullshit and the excuse, blameshifting that comes with it.

Just have her served do a hard 180 no contact and don't look back. There is and was nothing ever there in the first place

Marz posted 8/13/2019 20:14 PM

She's a monster. There is one side of her that is this wonderful, loving caring person. Then there is this hidden part of her that is an absolute monster.

You should get out of any denial. This is just a facade not who she really is.

You were never in R she just learned to hide her affairs better.

I would not repeat that mistake again

RubixCubed posted 8/13/2019 23:11 PM

Wouldn't be surprised if he is one of the many APs she's had and was pissed someone else was getting in on the action so decided to blow this whole thing up in her face (pun intended). That thought has crossed my mind.

That was my first thought as well. As a matter of fact, I'd wager a good sum of money on it. She contacted him pretty damn quick for a reason.


Nope, you sure don't. Hell man she knows she's a serial cheater. Why go through all tha bullshit and the excuse, blameshifting that comes with it.

Just have her served do a hard 180 no contact and don't look back. There is and was nothing ever there in the first place

What Marz said. Save yourself the grief bullshit and lies you'll have to hear and just drop the papers in her lap and walk away.Way less hassle and probably much more satisfying than hearing a bunch of lies. If you think you'll get the whole story you're wrong.You'l just get lies, minimization and blameshifting. It's S.O.P. for cheaters.

Marz posted 8/14/2019 00:32 AM

BTW, you should inform the other betrayed women.

They need the truth like you got.

bluewater posted 8/14/2019 00:54 AM

Sorry to se you back after so many years.

It is often said here that divorce is best treated like a business negotiation and in your case my advice would be to treat it exactly as such. Before you drop the divorce bomb take some time to get your ducks in a row to give you the most advantageous position in the negotiations. Also you might consider using wha I am sure is her desire to keep the real reason for your divorce quiet as leverage to get the best settlement possible for yourself.

What happens after the divorce is finalized is another matter.

And really sorry that she has served you this shit sandwich all over again. At least this time you have no doubts about the way forward.

uddup posted 8/14/2019 02:48 AM

BTW, you should inform the other betrayed women.
They need the truth like you got.

Yes. First step is deal with her, keep. My kids safe and care for them then all the betrayed are told.

Wow. I'll be a fun guy at parties.

Rustylife posted 8/14/2019 04:51 AM

Are you sure that you want a divorce or is this a ploy to wake her up?

Nothing wrong with the other thing but if divorce is a surety then this should be pretty straightforward. Going against the conventional wisdom here, don't bring up cheating in the initial talk. Just something generic like "We have grown apart due to certain things that have happened. If you guys have more questions, I'll be happy to answer them." Get them adjusted to the idea of split parents before bringing up the cheating at a much later date. Family counseling will be helpful in this.

If your love for her has run out and you're just tired of the constant deceit, then there's no need for accusations, answers or explanations. Make it as simple as possible. Just tell her your intentions and then move forward.

I wish you well.

Marz posted 8/14/2019 04:59 AM

I suspect like most of these types she will try and take everything she can get her hands on in D.

It might be a good idea to do exposure after you get a signed settlement.

If adultery is grounds for no alimony in your state ID keep my mouth shut until I had evidence as well.

hatefulnow posted 8/14/2019 06:06 AM

NAPALM

Tigersrule77 posted 8/14/2019 06:48 AM

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

I was wondering, would it be possible for your lawyer to have her served Friday? Maybe you could invite her out to dinner have her meet you somewhere and have her served at that time? Kind of put her in a situation like you were in where you had to keep it together because you were in public. Just a thought.

You know your family best and I'm sure you are going to do what you think is best. I just though you might want to consider how to handle this on your end to take advantage of the shock and awe.

Lalagirl posted 8/14/2019 07:24 AM

My god, uddup; I'm so sorry.

I cannot believe how many SI "vets" have returned because of false R after 10+ years.

We're here for you as you get out of infidelity.

Sending strength...

Lala

Marz posted 8/14/2019 08:39 AM

Don't jump the gun. Make sure everything you do is to your benefit first.

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