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I relapsed and could use support

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Mynamedontfi posted 10/23/2019 12:50 PM

the sooner you come to the realization that she's gone and she is NOT coming back the sooner you can start the healing process.

She's gone. She's got a new life.

Yup this is definitely the issue. Every time I read or hear that she is GONE or that she is NOT coming back or that she has MOVED ON it feels like a huge stabbing pain. It triggers my anxiety and my panic. I need to figure out how to accept this as fact.

Fear. It's what you've identified when you strip out everything associated with HER and focus on YOU.

Yes, I am very afraid. Especially at night time. I am terrified of being alone. Sleeping alone. Spending time alone. This is probably why I stayed with her for so long even though I knew the relationship was so toxic. I need to conquer this fear somehow. I need to accept that she was bad for me.

You have to put a plan together to start getting a grip on your thoughts.

These are the things I need to remember and work to accept/believe. I just need to keep repeating them to myself when the memories start popping up.

1. She is GONE
2. She is NOT coming back
3. She BETRAYED me
4. She LIED to me
5. I should NOT want someone who cheats on me
6. I should NOT want someone who doesn't love me
7. I WILL get past this eventually
8. I WILL find a partner someday

You're not just in denial of the situation but also in denial of who and what she is.

You don't truly believe she's this horrible and toxic person. If she came back to you saying she's sorry right now you would take her back in a second.

Can we talk about this please? People say "she is not who you thought she was". What do you mean. I thought she never could have cheated or lied to me. But she did. Is that what everyone means?
I would definitely take her back, I realize how terrible and unhealthy that is. I really do want to get past this. Again thank you so much for all your help.

[This message edited by Mynamedontfi at 12:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 10/23/2019 16:12 PM

I think 'she's not who you thought she was' means that you misread the positive qualities you thought you saw in her and that you don't see her as she really is.

Charity411 posted 10/23/2019 16:29 PM

To my way of thinking, you had an ideal in your head of what a potential wife looks like and that's what you fell in love with. Except she couldn't measure up to the ideal.

I say potential wife because I'm not sure you ever intended to get married to her. If what you say is true, and you loved her so much, and you can't live without her, and you'd take her back in an instant if she asked, why didn't you propose a couple of years ago. She kept saying she wanted you to do that. There had to be a reason.

It may have been something you saw in her that gave you red flags. But I think it's important to consider that it may have just been you. You like having someone to sleep with, spend time with and take away your fear of being alone. But you don't necessarily want to make a full commitment if you can have all those things without it. That's fine if that's what both of you want. But clearly she wanted to get married.

I have been in a situation similar to this. I was with someone for 8 years after my divorce. He knew I wanted to get married eventually. It was always vaguely dangled but never delivered. It wasn't until I left that he relentlessly pursued me and proposed and followed me to the point of a stalking arrest. In hindsight he did me a favor by never proposing until after I left. It was then that I could see him for what he was. Interestingly, 20 years later he still never married anyone. He never intended to marry anyone and he never will. It was just something he was willing to throw out there to keep me in the game.

It's not that he never intended to get married that bothers me. It's that he used the hope of it to keep me in the situation knowing full well that I wanted to grow old with someone. It's dishonest.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/23/2019 19:31 PM

why didn't you propose a couple of years ago

Hi Charity thanks for providing support on my posts. My ex has wanted to get engaged for a long time but I never went through with it for two main reasons:

1. Intimacy: She was so selfish and lazy in bed. Completely unwilling to reciprocate or do anything I asked for. I would do anything and everything she wanted and she was definitely satisfied. Once every 2-3 weeks is not enough for me and I couldn't commit to a lifetime of that.

2. She didn't take care of her body or her health. She was constantly complaining about her weight yet refused to diet or exercise. She would also go to the Dr. frequently over issues that could have easily been resolved by staying active and eating right.

I would have loved to marry her and spend my life with her. But now that I know she's an immature cheater, liar and all around horrible person, I am glad I never bought her that ring. She doesn't deserve it or me and never will.

Charity411 posted 10/23/2019 20:45 PM

Good for you for realizing that. So don't think about proposing now. It wouldn't be honest. It would be about winning over the OM.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/24/2019 21:31 PM

She's gone. There is no contacting her or proposing now. It's also not about winning. There is no competition between me and OM. I am a decent human being, he is not. Nothing more to it. My ex is a lying, cheating POS and doesn't deserve me.

The question is what to do now. I am lost. I had an entire future planned. Now I have nothing. Well I have my job and my health. But nothing besides that. Nothing worth living for. Just wake up and go to work every day then go home sleep and repeat. She took everything that mattered from me.

Beachwalker posted 10/24/2019 22:40 PM

Myname: I am sorry you are in this situation, but I’m glad you found us.

People say "she is not who you thought she was". What do you mean. I thought she never could have cheated or lied to me. But she did. Is that what everyone means?

My interpretation of this is when my WW and I were dating, we looked each other over, did things together, met each other’s family and friends, all that kind of stuff. We were considering if we wanted to marry each other. After marriage, my WW began flirting with another man in month 12 and they had sex in month 13. Since, she has been with at least 7 more men and had e-affairs and flirted with at least 7 more. The woman presented to me was a loving, faithful, selfless woman. 30 years and 14+ men later, I learn what everyone else knew about her: She is a cheat, liar, and self-absorbed manipulator. She held up a fake image of herself for me to see and hid everything else – what she really is. Now that the façade is gone, I see who she really is. I see what others already knew but refused to tell me.

Now, I am at the same point I was 30 years ago. Now that I know who my WW REALLY is, I have to decide if this is someone I want to be married to. The difference is that now, I know the truth.

Well I have my job and my health. But nothing besides that. Nothing worth living for. Just wake up and go to work every day then go home sleep and repeat.

This may be all you’re capable of doing right now. I know that was true of me, and that’s ok. Your brain is busy re-cataloging everything and it takes energy to do that. When it gets things re-organized, your mind will clear and life will look a little better. During this time, relax, rest, take it easy. Your brain is doing what it has to do and you can’t control that – just let it do its thing. This is normal – YOU are normal!
She took everything that mattered from me.

Yes, she did, and that sucks. It just shows you what kind of person she is. You don’t want someone like that, do you?
I had an entire future planned. Now I have nothing.

Not true! You still have your future, it just doesn’t include “Miss Ima Cheeter” anymore. When (not “if”, WHEN) things inside you settle down, and life begins a new “normal” for you, you will be able to take a deep breath and begin walking forward, again. I told my IC that I want to position myself mentally, emotionally, etc. for life ahead, with either my current wife, a new one, or no wife at all. What my WW does with herself is not my concern any more.

We want you to live a healthy, happy life. Post often and keep up informed. We will help you as much as we can. And remember that here, you are not alone.

Booyah posted 10/25/2019 07:37 AM

"She took everything that mattered to me"?

Come on Myname you KNOW this is not true!!

You just mentioned that she was "selfish" in bed and there was barely any "intimacy".

Listen as others have pointed out to you it is VERY apparent that you have serious codependency issues.

This woman was NEVER someone you loved and now that she's gone you've built her up in your mind to someone that she NEVER was. You have got to see this!!!

Why in the world are you crying and whining and missing a woman that was selfish in bed, lazy, overweight and never did anything about it just complained about it all the time, a liar, a cheater, someone you dated for years and NEVER asked to marry you BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU KNEW YOU DIDN'T WANT TO COMMIT TO WHO SHE WAS.

You want to know how you get over this woman?

Go out and start dating other women.
I'm not talking about jumping into a relationship with the first woman that comes along but go out and have some fun.

If I was your dad I would be frustrated with you as well. One for not being able to help you, but because it's very apparent that this is NOT about this other man nor is it about your ex and the things she done to you.

You've known who and what she is for a long time.
You should have dumped her ass a long time ago before she started lying and cheating.

Now that she has lied and cheated she made it that much more easier to move on and away from her.

2 X 4 coming.
It's time to stop being a little whining BITCH and to wake up to the reality of who she was and how grateful you should be that she's out of your life.

You don't need to read any of the advice given in your posts.

Just go read all of the things you've written about her.

Now ask yourself this if you were reading about this from someone else (she was the girlfriend of someone else) what advice would you be giving?

You are TORMENTING yourself and the crazy thing is that ALL OF THE PAIN THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS SELF-INDUCED!!!!

It can end RIGHT NOW!!!

She is NOT the reason you're hurting. YOU ARE!!!

You built this fantasy in your mind of all these things you wanted to do in a relationship and it really didn't matter who this fantasy partner was because anyone would do.

It does matter who your partner is as you can obviously see now.

Time to stop playing make believe and start living in reality.

Go meet some other girls and start having fun.

sisoon posted 10/25/2019 10:18 AM

Wait! You've tied your whole being to her for duty sex every 2-3 weeks? And sex is important to you?

Take yourself out of the dating pool until you clear this woman out of your being. You cannot offer yourself as a partner to anyone until you are willing to act in your own best interests.

Are you in IC? If so, what are your goals? If not, I think you need help, and good IC can give you the help you need to get authentic, to value yourself, to be a good partner.

Stifling yourself, as you did in this 'relationship' that you are pining over, is NOT being a good partner.

Atg100 posted 10/25/2019 14:53 PM


I know we can’t post links on here and I agree with that.
Here is a suggestion - go to YouTube and look for “ Madea let them go”
It will bring you to an except of a theatre play , where the fictional character Madea, tells a young relative who sounds a bit like you ( sorry - us ) how to react after a break up and how she categories people in her life. ( leaves , branches , roots , seasonal people and life time people )
Her main message of course is “ get on with your life “
It is very powerful and has given me strength in weak moments. Personally I think it should be in the resource library, despite the unusual format .

BraveSirRobin posted 10/25/2019 21:36 PM

I'm relying on my memory of high school classics here, but wasn't "Medea" the Greek tragedy where the BW murders the OW, the OW's father, and her own children to get back at her WH?

ETA: I Googled the Tyler Perry version, and that's some excellent advice.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:39 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 10/25/2019 22:43 PM

In this case Madea is an African-American woman, who surely doesn’t accept any nonsense from anyone.
I will look up your recommendation

Booyah posted 10/26/2019 08:09 AM

The "Madea let them go" is good.

Hope you checked it out Myname.

The "Let them go" comes from TD Jakes.

Go to YouTube and look up "let them go" by TD Jakes.

Excellent advice.

Hope you're doing better Myname!!

All of this is an opportunity to work on yourself. To grow, to get stronger, wiser, to increase our faith, and you can't rush this.

The goal is to love yourself and to be comfortable in your own skin.

Booyah posted 10/28/2019 13:21 PM

How are you doing Myname?

Mynamedontfi posted 11/20/2019 09:51 AM

How are you doing Myname?

Hi, thanks for checking up on me. I am doing better. No more panic attacks. I've been able to refocus on how horrible she treated me instead of the "good times". Honestly as more time passes I can see that the good times weren't even good. They were just normal. They just seemed good because I was so used to her treating me like crap that whenever we had a normal day it seemed amazing.

She reached out yesterday because she heard my mom was in the hospital. But after a few messages we exchanged she got mad at me. I asked if she felt bad about cheating, lying, betraying me, threatening to call security on me etc. She just felt guilty and didn't like being reminded of how horrible what she did to me was. She said "this is why it didn't work between us, you are emotionally abusive" and then she blocked me again. I PRAY she never has to experience a real abusive relationship. She throws around the word "abuse" so easily. She has no idea what real abuse is as I am sure some people on SI do.

Fortunately the conversation didn't set me back emotionally. She is horrible. The logical part of me is thanking god that she is out of my life. I don't want to be with such a terrible person. She reached out to provide support for my mom and then ended up putting me down and blocking me. What kind of immature, inconsiderate person does that?!

Definitely going to maintain NC. I need to focus on my mom. Please pray for her. I don't want to lose my GF and my mom. Thank you for checking up on me.

keet posted 11/20/2019 13:08 PM


I am so happy for you! You're in a difficult spot (mom in hospital). Your XGF reached out and tried to tear you down, and you were strong!. I've had a hard week, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you have a win.


If you're following this thread, thank you for the story about the wolves. I think I've heard it before, but today it really struck a cord. <3

Mynamedontfi posted 11/20/2019 14:43 PM

thank you for the story about the wolves. I think I've heard it before, but today it really struck a cord

Booyah has given me a ton of great advice and feedback. I constantly remind myself to feed the good wolf everyday. I hope it helps you too. Stay strong!

Marz posted 11/20/2019 14:49 PM

No contact only works if you apply it fully.

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