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Apparently, I am informed, my stbx never loved me. He was along for the ride and was never honest about this small fact. And now he is sorry but has to be honest and tell me that he didn't ever love me at all. He only married me because he didn't know what else to do, nothing he said was true to his real feelings. 11 years apparently he's been telling me he loved me and just didn't. Now he knows what love is and can trust his feelings he can be honest and tell me this.

I don't know what to do with this information. I am sitting here looking back on 11 years of my marriage and feeling pretty f'ing worthless.

I don't understand. How do I deal with this?

HA! What an idiot. SO freaking predictable.

Sweetie, this has NOTHING to do with you.

THEY ALL SAY THIS. It goes hand in hand with ILYBIANILWY. WS Handbook, chapter 1, verse 1.

The title of the chapter? "Re-writing Marital History".

He's pathetic. A user and a MORON to boot.

One of your toenail clippings is worth more than he is.

Please MrsM, go NC with this twit. Its only going to get worse. He will spill whatever bile he needs to in order to hurt and control you. Have you seen a lawyer yet? It really needs to be done asap.

Hugs

Sammie

[This message edited by sammie at 2:35 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)]

(((mrsmooch))) So sorry for the pain you are going through.

Sometimes the cold truth is too difficult for a WS to accept. They know what they did is was selfish, cruel, and morally wrong on many levels. However, to convince themselves they were not a "bad" person, to shift the blame away from themselves, the WS will make a desparate effort to rewrite recent as well as past history.

One of the most common execuses for justifying an A is, "It was Ok because I didn't love you" or "I never loved you."

I know this type of justification is very painful (often devastating) for the BS, but accept this poor excuse for what it is, just another lie to protect the WS from revealing the truth about themselves.

It amazes the length's WS's will do to cover thier shame and guilt...but please, DON'T blame yourself for any of this!!

Been there. Done that. And it SUCKS and unfortunately in my case has lasting effects.

Not only did my FWH leave me and our 8-yr relationship (3 married) for someone he'd known less than a week and lived 1500 miles away, but he also played the "I never loved you" card. I was devestated and clinging with everything I had to him and he just wanted me to go away so he could be with his "true love". He's since said he said those things to be utterly mean and make me go away. And now I have to TRUST that that is actually true.

Only thing worse than losing your future is having your past taken away from you.

I agree -- he's telling himself that to make himself feel better. Nobody goes through 11 years with someone if they don't love them.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))

Going to try no contact. He's shifting ground again and the abuse is starting. It's strange, his entire personality shifts and he even uses a different kind of accent in his writing when he shifts.

I don't know if any of it is true or not. I just know he's ripping out the past from me as well as the now.

I have told the OWH today. This is not going to be pretty. But I feel huge relief not to carry their secret for them any longer, and knowing he isn't going to be blindsided by her taking everything from him. I suppose she still might, but at least I've given him a fighting chance.

Shit they are going to freak when they find out.

Call the cops and tell them of his past abuse. Tell them that you are expecting trouble and are very afraid. They will take it seriously and will check up on you. Then if he does get violent they will come down on him immediately and like a ton of bricks.

Hugs

Sammie

Prayers for you...

Everyone here is telling you good things...

Think about it...

the one who is false is...?

exactly.

Don't even accept anything from this false one! It's all lies.

Don't accept abuse.

Sammie gave you good advice.

I don't know how bad he is,

could you think of pre-programming the local police on speed-dial?

Go talk to one at the local station, get a # to call?

That way,

you can hold your finger on the button & just get it dialed...

Please don't leave yourself exposed! Leave a video cam-corder running...

turn on a voice-activated recorder.

Don't be alone with him...

abuse, huh?

Don't allow it!

hugs

jj

(((((mrsmooch)))))

He is spewing crap that is so predictable.

Sweetie...his A had nothing to do with you. He's trying to justify his behavior in his mind. He feels that if he says those things then his A is justified.

Don't buy his crap. Start the 180 and take care of you first.

Everyone else is right, mrsmooch. He's re-writing your history together in order to make himself feel less of a scumbag.

Please stay safe. Do you have friends or family you could possibly stay with for a few days until things calm down?

(((((big big hugs)))))

Of course he "never really loved you" because NOW he knows what real love is and somewhere down the road he'll realize that he was wrong and the new chick he's screwing behind OW's back is his first real real love.

I honestly doubt that this OW is even going to come close to the 11 years you had together. He is an ass, he's going word from word from the cheaters handbook and making you feel terrible.

Don't let his stupid fog speak get to you! You know that this is about him and not you, you know that he's blaming you because he can not face his demons or own his shit. deep down he knows what a terrible asshole he is, he knows that the words that slip off of his forked tounge are not necessarily true but they are serving a purpose right now and of course he'll never have the need to go back on them someday.

Plug your ears and hum a loud tune, he is speaking in bullshit. his words will only hurt and confuse you. distance yourself from him, go 180, go NC if possible. let him live in his fantasy world and take his lumps when BH gets ahold of him.

His nasty behavior and words are meant to make you upest. do not let them get to you. Use those emotions to fuel you into doing things for you, you've already made a giant step in respecting yourself by outting them to BH.

continue on feeling confidant knowing that YOU are not to blame. that YOU still remember your marital history as it really was and that YOU do not have to put up with this crap. it ends when YOU say it does.

(((((mrsmooch))))

Those are all ofthe signs of a "man" that doesn't want to look at himself and the disloyal, dishonorable, lying sack of shit he has turned into. How else can he look himself in the mirror without seeing the opposite of what he always told himself that he "really" was? It is how someone like that gets through their day...hell, someone can convince themselves of ANYTHING if they say it and justify it long enough.

Let him live that lie...it is not a genuine life, and he knows it.

Great job in finally telling the other spouse. It is about taking control back in your life and you just took a very good first step. Who cares what he wants or thinks at this point? The other BS needs to know. When he comes back at you all mad tell him that his A is his fault not yours, if he is mad that the other spouse knows he should have thought of that before he barged his way into their marriage.

one very angry WS. just verbal though. i was worried he'd get physical, but he's just texting me and showed up at 6am on the door step to berate me in front of our D. F'n d'head.

he said I should stay the 'fuck out of his life'. I said 'it isn't your life it's his' and proceeded to give him chapter and verse about how i did what i felt was right because i know what it is like to be blindsided by this and he didn't deserve it.

apparently I don't know what the OW has 'been through'!@!#@!$ What a crock of sh... and she's going to leave the BS - well, so what??? I'm supposed to take responsibility for that?

I said she's a grown up and it's not my problem. My concern is to live by my values.

Essentially, suck it up.

He's gone away, if sticking to usual pattern will have to spend some time thinking of new things he can say to hurt me. Expect a barrage this afternoon.

Gosh, only took an hour. I should stay away from the OW and her H. I'm trying to make them live by my rules, it's none of my business etc etc

She's texting me now saying I'm stalking them and have been malicious and hurt her H irreparably and if I talk to him again they'll take legal action (!?)

Told her to go crazy. Cops will love the story.

What kind of f'd up world are these people living in?

First of all I'd say don't let WH into your house. If he turns up at 6am don't open the door. These men think they can walk in like they still own the place.

I too received threats about legal action...for sending one TM to OW...informing her of the prostitutes. An AVO is near impossible to get...you have to go to mediation first.

Go NC. Do not respond to WH.