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I looked at heartbroken0903 post on "wedding rings - BS and WS replies welcome" today and found myself softly crying at the end of it. It wasn’t so much as to what was written down on the post but for what the question of “rings” means to me and my own circumstances.

Reading this post served to remind me that each and every day has the potential to expose some other facet of life that has been negatively affected by the A. Today, this post hit hard and the more I read and think about it, the more I wanted to sit and cry.

It’s not the first post on wedding rings that I have read on SI in the past 6 months but for whatever reason, today, the light went on and I had one of those WS moments. You know what I mean. It’s that moment in time when you have this sudden revelation about the affair and how you fucked up your whole life for something meaningless. I find that those “sudden realizations” seem to sneak up on you and wham; there you are, suddenly coming face to face with the full implications and impact of your actions. Reality hitting home with a vengeance.

I think that as I read this today, it finally dawned on me that I might never see my wife wearing her wedding ring again, even if we achieve R.

In reality, I didn’t wear my rings for the first 15 years of marriage because as a blue collar worker, rings represent a significant hand injury risk factor. And so, after the honeymoon, I put my wedding ring on my key chain and carried it that way.

My wife on the other hand always wore hers. She wore it proudly for 23 years but like many other BS’s, she took them off shortly after d-day. I know that taking off the rings is a common practice but I think the particular circumstances that exist in my A as compared to most others means that I face a greater uphill battle in ever thinking that one day, she might consent to wear it ever again.

I think that I ignored facing or thinking about this subject in the past months simply because I feel that there is simply no sense in ever thinking about or raising this subject. This is all related to the reason that my wife removed her rings. You see, see didn’t take them off because of the A itself, she took them off because of something which I wrote to the AP during the A.

They say that confession is good for the soul and so, I am opening up a part of the affair that is difficult to face and admit to. This is part of the ‘snake pit” that WS’s must face. A very ugly side of the affair that I desperately wish was not the ugly truth.

MY BS wrote to me the following letter a month after D day.

Honey, in one of your letters to the AP, you wrote that ““I have my fingers crossed, hoping that somehow, in some fashion, a miracle happens. Maybe I go home and my wife tells me that she wants to leave me. Maybe she dies in a car accident, maybe …

As I read them, I know that there is no dressing up these words with a nice meaning. The meaning and intent/wish is clearly written; there is no double meaning. I was devastated and again I came close to getting into the car and making your wish come true

It’s you wishing me dead that lead me to take off my rings. How could you make such a statement? It hit me that in all the emails and chats I've read from that period of time, you were able to declare your undying love for her without any hesitation, and that you could talk about a future with her without even thinking much about me… wishing me dead, even. How could I not make a decision to take them off at that moment?

Taking off my rings doesn’t mean that "I don't want to be married to you anymore" or that I don't want to work on our marriage but more as a reminder that I have to be an individual or I am an individual and I need to stand on my own and not only as the "other half" of you because I may not always be that. Being the other half of you was always the only thing I ever wanted and I was more than happy being that. I am now grieving that loss. Being two halves to make one was why our marriage was successful; at least that’s what I thought. Obviously, you did not.

That is my madness. It’s my lunacy and insanity coming around to bite me in the ass. It’s beyond being shameful and it’s beyond vile. How could I have ever said these words? You can’t ever imagine or envisage how depraved one has to be to write these words. I wrote them and I can’t even imagine how these words came from my lips. Shame and guilt and self-loathing are my boon companions.

If I only read the last paragraph of her letter, I confess that perhaps I can see and have some hope that one day, perhaps she might consider putting another new ring on her finger but each time that I recall the words I wrote in the first paragraphs, I know that this will never happen. I am afraid that my BS will never forget and how can I blame her? My behaviour and my words condemn me to be lower than scum.

New rings? I don’t think that they are on the agenda and perhaps may never be. I don’t think she will ever be able to separate my hateful words and the rings in her mind. I think the words wedding rings will forever bring back those hateful words and will forever bring back the painful memories of how I once wrote that I wished her dead so I could start a life with the AP.

Every time I read this letter from my BS again (at least monthly), it revolts me more than it did the time before. It’s unimaginable that she had enough love within her breast to even give me a second chance. And if that act of grace is unbelievable, then the mere word impossible seems to be the only word to describe the chance that she would ever accept a ring form me again.

Regardless of my remorse or anything else I do or say, I am utterly incapable of seeing how she can find the love to move beyond this. I don't think that she will but I do pray that she will. After all, she has already done the improbable already when she didn’t walk away on d-day. Perhaps angels do visit us mere mortals once a while but on a day like today, when my heart is heavy with shame and dishonour for my loathsome acts and reprehensible words, how can I ever dream of or hope for a day when the mere mention of wedding rings will not trigger anything but rage and anger and betrayal.

Should I ever talk about rings and what we should do with the old or should we buy new ones? No, I just don’t think that this is the time and place. Nope, better to keep my mouth shut for now and not even dream of it. Maybe, a nice diamond and emerald butterfly broach instead?

LoveFantasy, I am forever sorry that I ever thought of, much less expressed anything so vile and incomprehensible to you. I was crazy and out of my mind. I am sane now and I recant everything I ever said to her and in particular, for these hatful words. I know that I am in love with you and that she is meaningless to me. You may never want another wedding ring after I tainted the first ones but as God is my witness, my new commitment to you is not based on a circle of gold. It is based on my heart and my soul and they are yours forever now. I love you.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 1:24 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I am so sorry that you wrote those words and I am sorry that your wife had to read them.

Should I ever talk about rings and what we should do with the old or should we buy new ones? No, I just don’t think that this is the time and place. Nope, better to keep my mouth shut for now and not even dream of it. Maybe, a nice diamond and emerald butterfly broach instead?

why is it important to you for her to want to wear her rings?

for christmas, WH gave me this:

it has a very special meaning to us and i wear it on a semi-daily basis because of the special meaning. while i don't wear my rings anymore, nor do i want to wear any kind of relationship ring ever, i do wear this. it's like a substitute. i've traded something that held special meaning to me for something that holds special meaning now. i cherish this piece of metal as much as i did my rings.

maybe your BS could never wear rings again either, but she might be interested in some other kind of symbol that is associated with you in the future.

Wow, my heart breaks for your wife having to read those words....

The remorse that you have for writing them speaks volumes....there are some things that we can't take back...we can only move forward and hope the pain lessens with time....

I didn't wear my wedding rings for years...I ended up buying myself something I liked as a replacement...the original set ended up at a pawn shop and I can't say I felt bad letting them go...

Your wife may eventually decide she would like to wear rings again and she might not.

Just continue to show her how much you love her and how different you are from the man who wrote those words.

icbtih8 - why is it important to you for her to want to wear her rings?

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that it’s of some great importance for her to wear her rings. No, I fully understand her need to remove her rings and I also understand that she may never want to do “wedding rings” again due to the tainted nature of our vows etc. I think that I was referring to the symbolic significance of the rings more than anything else. The ring is the classic representation of “forsake all others” and today, I simply had the “moment” during which I realized in my heart that we may never experience this again in our relationship regardless of time and effort. I think my fears over this simply overpowered my hope for a bright future today.

With regard to some alternative jewelry, I personally designed a diamond and emerald broach (similar to the design shown) for her at Christmas with pink and yellow 21 carat twisted gold frame, a body of diamonds and emerald eyes. It wasn’t meant to be a buyoff, it wasn’t meant to replace the rings, it was just a gift from my heart. It was meant to show her that she was more precious to me than anything else.

I hope one day to renew our vows and maybe we will have rings and maybe we won’t. In truth, we don’t need rings or necklaces or broaches to be the symbol of our feelings. Perhaps the next time around, the symbol of our renewed commitment to one another will be some form of SI pin which will be able to symbolize that if we have survived this, we can survive anything as a couple together.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 3:05 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Hufi,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, I really am.

I just want to let you know that you are not a horrible person--or unique in what you thought about. While I never wrote those things down, even before the A those things were in my thoughts and at times in my wishes.

I told FBH about the thoughts.

Oddly enough, those thoughts have disappeared. After I confessed the A, a whole lot of anger about a whole lot of other things came tumbling out too. What I discovered was that I needed to vent my anger to QUIT having those thoughts.

FBH and I sometimes now occasionally joke about me "putting him in the car," my thoughts were usually about car accidents. Once right after the A was disclosed I told him I wished FOM was in the car, and he got jealous! He said that nobody but him should EVER be close enough to me to get put in the death car (meaning affect me that much emotionally).

We humans have a dark side that we love to disavow, I think. I truly believe that only when we accept all sides of ourselves can we become whole.

I would challenge nearly any married person if they said they NEVER had those thoughts EVER.

My FBH admitted that at times he too had had them--but it took me admitting it first.

I wish you peace.

Kwills

[This message edited by Kwills at 9:56 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

My BH threw his wedding ring away. He bought a replacement to fake out the kids, but he made sure I knew that was all it was and he frequently reminds me that nothing has changed.

It hurts.

We can never go back.

Your words actually made me gasp aloud.

you have been given a very precious gift and your wife is an amazing woman.

tts

In my life prior to the A, I don't recall having any regrets in my life but post A; my regrets have piled up beyond belief. This is one of them to my everlasting shame.

I am forever in my wife’s debt and am humbled before her for the grace she showed when she left me have a second chance with her life and her heart.

She is an amazing woman and my promise to her is my entire life. She will never ever hear anything but words of love and affirmation from my lips. She is my forever now. She may not see it now but with the next 23 years, I am sure that she will.

HUFI - DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD

Hufi & Kwills, thank you for admitting that because I also had those thoughts in my head at times. I've never admitted it before, not here or to my BS.

I think, for me, it was the ultimate expression of conflict avoidance. I wanted my problems to just go away. Of course, I know now many of my problems are within me, but that wasn't how I saw it at the time.

BTW, I tell my kids they can think as many horrible things as they want about me or each other, but it's their actions (including what they say) that count.

Hufi, I'm sorry you said them aloud, that your filter didn't stop you from expressing those awful feelings.

[This message edited by EmptyCup at 10:56 AM, March 12th (Friday)]

I don't think this kind of thinking is all that uncommon. When I was deep in the affair, I had many periods of not caring if any of the three of us died, just because that would make the problem go away. For me, as EmptyCup said, it was big-time conflict avoidance. I didn't have the tools within myself to prevent the problem in the first place, I didn't have the tools to solve it, so I wished for the easy way out. I didn't think about it all the time, but thinking about it just once is one time too many.

I was contacted by the OW. she sent me on the following text.

"He told me many many times that he wished you were dead"

That was it for me. My lawyer has an electronic copy of the text.

Count your lucky stars! Hufi- Pufi!

I don't speak to my WH

Hufi, thank you for writing this. Yes, what you wrote was incomprehensibly ugly and sad. And yes, your wife has given you a rare gift. But I guess my take away is that at least you don't gloss it over as 'affair speak', you don't blow it off, you don't minimize it as just another manipulation to keep the affair alive. You own it, and feel the full impact of it. And that in it's own small way is a gift. I hope that in time you and your wife find a different symbol to represent the new marriage you are building.

To share just a little bit, I relate to your post in an excruciatingly painful way. I will never wear my rings again. I can't. I tried and they literally made my arm hurt until I got them off and away from me. I can't even look at them. I know for sure I will never, ever put them back on.

I believe that the most hateful things WH said were not actually said to me, they were said to OW. I read in my WH's handwriting, the love of my life telling OW "Baby, I know it is difficult waiting and hoping, but it will get easier, and soon we will be able to experience each other fully with no more interference or issues. For right now, hope is all we have to bet on, but when it finally hits, the payoff will be huge. I can't wait to share my life with you" In one paragraph I went from a wife to "interference". My WH dismissed this as just some manipulative crap he threw OW's way to keep her hooked. To me, this understatement only makes it worse. So, like I said, at least you are acknowledging the pain that your words have caused. Acknowledgment of that pain, and validating it, makes it easier to have the grace to forgive.