Well, I feel like I'm in Jr. High writing this letter. I don't know if I will send it or discuss it in-person or send it then discuss it. It seems somewhat childish to send a break-up letter to a woman you've been married to for 14 years, but I'm having a difficult time bringing myself to do this in-person.
At first I wrote this letter for the purpose organizing my thoughts. Now, I'm thinking of giving it to my WW.
As I re-read it, it seems like I am trying to rationalize my decision to divorce. Damn, this sucks.
It is obvious to me that you do not want to reconcile. I have come to terms with this. The cheating, the lies and the betrayal of trust were extremely painful. Following is a few of my more favorite highlights from my reading the evening of June 10th:
“I love you [OM]”
“Kiss Kiss…I miss u baby”
“Snuggling with you in the blankets”
”25th25th…we have time to think about it”
“I just like feeling you against me…toasty warm”
“I love you more now”
“changing my profile pic…now I’m kissing you every time you look at me”
“K..I love you sweetness…kiss…bye”
“night love…wish I was sleeping with you…kiss”
I read this (and much more) in the evening and went straight to bed. Slept like a baby and woke up with a strange nightmare that you cheated on me. I went to work, and after about an hour I realized it was not a nightmare…it actually happened. That was truly one of the most surreal moments in my life. I rushed home to see if it was true and sure enough…the words were there.
When I feel in a particularly torturous mood, I’ll re-read these comments and just wonder how you could have done this. How you could throw me and your family away for someone you’ve been chatting with for a few months. Someone that you’ve never had to share the difficulties that come with raising a family, financial stress, maintaining a long-term relationship. Or for that matter, for someone that you haven’t shared life’s joys either. We have four wonderful children that will be affected by this deeply. I just don’t understand.
You know I really did want to make this work. I was desperate to. I was trying to cope with the pain, anger and confusion while trying to be a better husband and father, rarely succeeding at either. However, over time, your actions after the affair have been even more damaging then the affair itself. I tried to explain my pain to you, but I know you could not understand. I know you have your own pain too. I asked things that you could not provide:
• I asked you to stay off facebook…and you lied and snuck back on.
• I asked you to cut all contact with him….and you continued speaking with him, viewing his pics on facebook and leaving messages for him via yoville.
• I asked you to read books on how couples survive infidelity….and you would not.
• I asked you to go to MC….and it was a chore for you.
• I asked for affirmation that you wanted to be with me and only me… and we both know you have not been able to commit to this.
• I asked for your love.…and did not receive it.
• I asked you for an apology….and you wouldn’t
• I wanted remorse….and you couldn’t
You still desire your cheating partner and this is not acceptable to me. Your actions or inactions over the last eight months have drained my love for you. I am heartbroken and we cannot heal with you still clinging to your “lost love”.
I will make this easy for you. You no longer have to “do the right thing” by staying with me. You do not have to choose, I will. I choose not to be with you. I choose not to be in this unhealthy relationship. I choose divorce.
Can someone please just take over all decision making for me because I have the back-bone of a fucking jellyfish atm.
P.S. Should this by my first post in the "Divorce/Seperation" forum?
[This message edited by Just Crushed at 4:46 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]
