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1 and 1/2 years out from dday and "honeymoon reconciliation" phase seems over. Is this the rage I've read about?

My BS has agreed to go in for ic.  His words: I don't know if I want to scream, punch, yell or run away. For him the kids being home definitely make it worse bc I betrayed them as well.  He feels like he needs another life. He still doesn't understand how I could have had even one affair then continue with it and have another one. According to him the problem is he loves me.  I said there is a problem if that is a problem. He believes I'm doing everything I can and that if I could take it away if I could. He just doesn't know if he can continue living this way. I told him this scares me. He agreed he needs help sorting through all this and will go see our mc individually. He has never been one to respond to counseling,yet he has been on many occasions before the affair with me or the kids even before the affair.

He has been having rage fights with our son and daughter home from college. His rage is not a new thing. Oddly, it has been suppressed after the shock of the affair and when we were in honeymoon reconciliation phase. For many years, when the kids were growing up it was a problem. Never more than yelling but lots of it and loud. Always from a point of entitlement. That he does everything for the family and they should be more appreciative, helpful, spend less etc. We have good kids, now young adults. His dad was a drunk he became an over achiever.  So he believes our children don't know how bad it can be. He commonly yelled in reply, "you thing I'm yelling? You want to hear me yell!!!!" they never felt good enough. Ironically, he took more control around the house bc only he could do things right. We avoided doing things for fear of criticism.

Work update. He doesn't want me to quit my job. Nor transfer to another location where we cannot have our daily lunches. He would only relent to me quitting if I could replace the income with my own business. Way too much stress now to tackle sthing like that. Now my work is requiring me to work every 3rd Saturday and he says No Way. I worked Saturdays for a year and finally slid under approval to have weekends off, a luxury my coworkers do not have. Of course I will side with my husband with this and push back with the job, However it makes me very scared that I could give up the job and then he could give up on me.

I would guess that life has started getting back to "normal", that the "whooing" has subsided...

That is a very difficult place for a bs. "Normal" was where life was when the A happened. Its scary.

Also, I loved the caring, attentive person my H became in the first months of R. Of course its a fantasy to believe that will last for "ever after", but that doesnt make it easier to grasp.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 7:56 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

According to him the problem is he loves me. I said there is a problem if that is a problem.

The "problem" with him loving you is that it is causing conflict with the parts of him that "hate" what you did, the parts of him that struggle with self respect, the parts of him that want to punish or get justice from the offense and so on (of course I do not know what specifically he has conflict over, these are just generalizations).

It is good he is willing to do IC to help him through these conflicts. I would also suggest IC for you as well, you thinking that his "problem" is a "problem" indicates some work on your end as well to be done.

I told him this scares me .....However it makes me very scared that I could give up the job and then he could give up on me

Yes, the fear is on both sides. Yes, your H could choose to leave the M for any reason at any time, so could you, that is just a fact irregardless of infidelity. Your H though has to deal with the awareness that you could be unfaithful again (not saying you will but there are no guarantees for a BS are there, just as there are no guarantees for a WS that the BS will not one day consider the A a dealbreaker) and he could invest back into the M fully for a decade only to have this happen again. You both have this kind of awareness to deal with now.

Also, I would suggest you work on separating the infidelity issues with the pre A issues. This is not easy, but does seem to help.

Grace

Was he telling you before your affairs that he wanted a new life, wanted to run away, didn't like loving you, etc? If not, it's much more likely this is a phase in healing and not "life returning to normal."

According to him the problem is he loves me.

I get it. He doesn't want to have a cheating wife. He doesn't want to be one of "those" weak, desperate people who stays ... but he loves you too much to let go of your family. I was ticked about this for SO LONG.

Cheaters aren't the only ones who get flack for their decisions. People who stay do, too, and it takes a lot of inner struggle to accept those things. He's fighting his own ego to be with you. That's something special.

He doesn't want me to quit my job. Nor transfer to another location where we cannot have our daily lunches. He would only relent to me quitting if I could replace the income with my own business. Way too much stress now to tackle sthing like that.

Quit. Start the biz. It'll mean the world to your husband that you're following his advice.

We went through something like this, too. I wanted H to quit - his job was a big factor in our problems - but he was afraid. When he quit it was the happiest day of my life. It wasn't just that the job was gone, but he had a high enough opinion of me again to trust my opinion. That was a huge deal to me. It meant a lot, and I think it will mean a lot to your husband.

I get the feeling that you're involved in a field where your own business is pretty common, but if not, let me know. Based on this post, you would have an easy time making money writing web content and that kind of thing. It's what I've done for several years now, and I could point you in the right direction.

Good luck.

I second what the previous posters have said and would advise you to read this again:

"Normal" was where life was when the A happened. Its scary.

Scary stuff. And finally admitting that scared or allowing that scared feeling in can be overwhelming.

"Normal" was where life was when the A happened. Its scary.

Scary stuff. And finally admitting that scared or allowing that scared feeling in can be overwhelming.

Exactly this.

I'm not as far out as you and your BH are, but I know for me the anger and rage masks an extremely deep fear. Fear that fWH hasn't really changed, fear that he's still lying, fear that he'll have another A, fear that I will say or do something to push him away from me - it's all extremely confusing. I also react to that by yelling. Screaming. Always have - it's my natural reaction and I'm having to retrain 37 years of habit to change that, and that causes MORE fear (what if I can't do it?).

Please encourage your BH to be patient with IC and give it a chance. As an overachiever, it is extremely scary for me to admit that I need help doing anything, so I suspect he is the same way and folks like us can be very resistant to someone pointing out our faults, no matter how constructively or gently.

Are you still in MC? Are you in IC? Keep with that too.

Sending strength to both of you.

I'm not sure what you are asking for advice about, lotsofhope?

That your H isn't getting over this? It's been a year and a half - much of which you describe as the "honeymoon" phase. That's understandable because much of the first year for a BS is spent trying to find a way to bargain this thing away. He's not just mad because you had an affair. He's mad because he's finally starting to realize that - even with all your good intentions and efforts now - this thing isn't just going to go away. He loves you. He wants it to go away. But he's losing hope. And where you may look at this and think, "It's been a year and a half". He also looks at it and thinks, "It's been a year and a half". Read the posts in general and recon and see how many BSs are struggling with idea that they've given it this much time and it doesn't seem to be getting better. When you start to feel like YOU are just irrevocably broken, it brings a certain pressure that can often manifest itself as self-protective rage.

As far as the previous issues with rage...yeah, ok...he's got a problem. But what that tells me - and this is no pass for him - is that he already had poor coping skills and now he has this HUGE issue to try to deal with. I wouldn't expect any stellar performances from him right now. And frankly, if you were to see that, it should scare the shit out of you. Seriously. It sounds to me like you H. has been in "pause" mode for some time. You don't want him there.

As far as the work issue...Of course, he doesn't want you quitting. He doesn't want the pressure of the loss of income. Nor - honestly - does he want to feel like he can't walk away from this marriage if he needs to. I know that's not easy to hear but he needs to have that out. So long as he is choosing to be here, there is a real chance that he can work through these issues. The moment he feels trapped...not good.

The daily lunches, the Saturdays off - that's all to be expected. He's grasping for every little security he can find. He's trying to build trust again in the relationship. There may be some things that become inevitable (ie, work Saturdays or lose your job) but until that time, he needs to feel and see that you are fighting to give him those securities. And if those inevitables come about, that just puts more pressure on YOU to find ways to reassure him.

I'm not giving him a free pass, lotsofhope. And while I'm a BS, I'm also one with 7 years of healing under my belt. I'm not just taking an opportunity to beat up a WS. His healing is HIS responsibility. But if R. is what you are wanting, then it is up to you to keep him on the necessary life support until his own system can step up to the task.

Let me ask you one question to think about. Where is your H. feeling the most pressure?

He still doesn't understand how I could have had even one affair then continue with it and have another one.

We've been to one MC session. MC said that I need to know the truth. FWH said that he's confessed everything. MC said I need to know what was going on inside of him when FWH was cheating. And it's true. I need to know why it happened more than I need to know the details of what happened. I need to know because I need to know what has changed. How can I feel safe until I know things have changed? Until I can know that this will never happen again? I also need to know that FWH understands so he can prevent sliding down that slop again. Our relationship seemed great to me; I need to know why he turned to another.

Truthsetmefree:

Let me ask you one question to think about. Where is your H. feeling the most pressure?

Not sure. The kids being home really ramp it up.. I believe he has just been coasting and he doesn't have good coping methods. He feels bad about himself when he loses control. Yet he did before too. But couldn't help it then either.

Ask HIM, lotsofhope....

I can almost guarantee you that it's not his temper that's causing him the most pressure. That's just when whatever he is feeling spills over. There's something that's going on before he ever gets to that point. My guess is he's not talking about whatever it is...hence you feel like you are in the "honeymoon phase" - until suddenly you aren't.

When I ask him how he is he always responds with he just does not understand how I could have betrayed him not even once, but multiple times. He wishes he could explain it away on a ONS if I was drunk or something but that wasn't the case. He has had many opportunities but would never cross that line. He doesn't understand how I could have.

Then you need to figure out your "why."

I think he's having trouble understand how you could have d-day #1,see the pain and devastation it caused him,and then go on to have another affair.

And you need to figure out why you did that..and why you had the affair in the first place.

LotsofHope

I am very grateful as a BS that my h. stays calm when I hit 'rage' sometimes he becomes overly emotional and crying and pleading / bargaining. I feel more angry and sometimes become completely cold - because I feel manipulated by his emotions.

I am not sure if that gives some insight.

however- I noticed that you said he 'rages' at your (young adult) children.

In no circumstances would I expect my H. to tolerate poor or angry treatment by me towards our children - even the 16 yr old. Sometimes in the early weeks I would have a short fuse and snap at her. I have asked him to 'pull me up' as we have always done this.

I believe our children have a right to feel safe in our family home. They are innocent in this and have done nothing to invite my anger towards them.

I am not sure what you can 'do' about this but am letting you know that I thinki it is completely reasonable for you to not feel comfortable with his treatment of you children. and support you to consider how you might be able to progress this issue.

MegM

Yes I believe his anger is a symptom and a sign of his poor coping methods. I will continue to be there for him as he thanked me this morning for. I will discuss our mutual fears with him.

It is scary that last year at this time we were "dating" every night, enjoying our empty nest and now with 2 adult children home find urselves in stressful situations. Well, I'm not stressed except epwhen he gets stressed. He gets stressed when they dont act like he would like. He has always been that way. And I will try harder to keep,the affair issues separate from his anger issues. The anger issues were there before. It was my reactions that were different. I would withdraw and avoid. Bc confronting him would cause a fight bc he was always right.

Unfortunately we have stopped the mc bc it was precipitated by the affair and "brings it all up again" for him. I am in ic and believe I have found my why. I can see that I will want to withdraw, condone or self- medicate again when he returns to his old pattern of doing w hat I think is expecting too much of our children.

I will continue to strive to be his life support. Our mc advises both of us to "ask for what we need." the problem is he doesn't know.

Continued from last post.

My why. Our mc said my affair was a classic conflict-avoidance affair. But that doesn't explain why I would shame myself by committing adultery. Could it be any or the combination of these nature/nurture factors: Early childhood sab by a family member precipitated compartmentilizatioon. A childhood behavioral trait of lying. A teenage stage of need for excitement, adult-onset clinical depression, the resulting self-esteem issues…?How about a recently discovered lack of empathy which may be a result of medication? Enough?

Are these the whys?

We also went through about a year and a half of honeymoon/hysterical bonding phase. Then it all hit home for me. Trying to figure it all out. I have read every book, tried every forum, worked on forgiveness....everything.

I have recently read a book about triangles called "You, Him and The Other Woman". It also applies to other men. There is a chapter on acceptance. It sounds like your husband is right where I am - trying hard to make sense of it all in my head - trying to accept it all. It doesn't make sense to someone who was completely blindsided. Our brains keep trying to process it - it doesn't fit nicely into a little place in there and we continue to be angry. Even writing this I can see how I do it. My husband is doing everything right for R. Yet I am completely stuck. My husband can also compartmentalize. I don't have that ability so it makes it doubly hard to understand how it all was kept in little places in his head where no one would get hurt.

I hope your husband can do some IC to help him get through this stage - it totally sucks. Lots of anger. But more importantly - and I don't know if he feels this way or not - we (I) don't want my WW trying to comfort me. So it creates more stress and anger. And he feels really horrible - and I don't feel like comforting him.

I think sometimes it takes way longer for some people than for others. I'm one of them. I think we are on the 6-7 year plan of recovery. Which seems like a long time. But when you take into account of how long the marriage lasts and how long the affairs lasted - it's small potatoes.

I hope he can see that you are genuine and want things to work out. And I wish the best for both of you. I hope your husband can find some peace.

Thank you for your post stuck and the book suggestion. He doesn't read But maybe I can gather some helpful snippets for him.

He may be one of those who take a longer path.

Did you have a typo? I don't understand your sentence "we don't want WW comforting him"

Thanks again and hoping for your healing as well.