SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m an XBS, getting married on March 20 (as my tagline states). While I’m super-excited and really looking forward to life with my new husband… I’m feeling nagging self-doubts that just don’t seem to want to go away. Am I doing the right thing, can I really trust this other person that I’m more or less giving myself to, what is going to happen to me if he cheats on me, etc.

My STB-husband has never given me any kind of a reason to believe that he’d cheat on me whatsoever. We had a minor scare about a year ago where his boundaries were a bit weak, but he shored them up really, really quickly and there hasn’t been an issue since. I sometimes wonder if I didn’t seriously overreact back then – but hey, I’m not new to this infidelity crap, I’ve been burned before. I thought I had a genuine reason to panic, and I acted upon that reason.

Thankfully, he’s understood why that was, and he’s gone above and beyond to reassure me that it won’t happen again. “You’re stuck with me,” he often says. I can’t help but grin at that, because it’s a running joke from when we originally met.

I really do think that it’s leftover fear from the cheating XWH. There was so much betrayal involved in that situation, not only from the original OP, but from what I’d found out later on. (Cliff’s Notes version: my XWH had an A originally with an OW but also his best friend, an OM – who turned out to be HIV+. I am not HIV+, nor is he, though I credit that to EXTREME luck.) It’s a massive amount to try and heal from, and I wonder if I ever will be, really.

I don’t want to project those wounds onto my new husband. He had nothing to do with this sorry mess, and he’s as different from my XWH as he could possibly be. But, still.. I’m afraid that the second we tie the knot, everything’s going to change.

I told myself that I would never, ever get married again after my first fiasco. Yet, here I am, getting ready to pledge my life and my heart – once again – to a person that I love, and that I HOPE loves me, “enough”.

Has anyone experienced these kinds of feelings? Please tell me I’m not being stupid for feeling just scared out of my mind that I’m signing up for another round of hurt. It took me 10 years to “get over” the first marriage.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:04 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

I think everyone gets a little freaked out before their wedding. No matter who they are.

CONGRATS to you and your soon to be hubby. Enjoy it!!

How about taking a proactive approach: schedule one hour to review his & hers primary/secondary as identified in "The 5 Love Languages"? Go into *this* marriage with new tools for success.

((Fireball72))

Live, Love, Laugh

Congratulations!

I'm not near ready to remarry myself, but at every relationship progression I find little ways to reassure myself that things will be okay either way. Keep up with your friends, family, hobbies, goals. Maybe consider a pre-nup. There are ways to go all in without depleting yourself, which makes it much less scary.

Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

I haven't even dated so this is in no way connected to any personal experience. Just my own thoughts on how I would feel if I ever decided to do it again.

I agree 100% that your life and your passions and your friends/ family need to stay with you. Don't give up your identity because you are taking a partner in life. We've all made that mistake before and it's a big one.

So, if you keep your sense of self and stay true to who you are, you will be happy and content inside yourself. That's big when you add another person to the mix and if, God forbid, it doesn't work out for whatever reasons, you will be grounded and know exactly who you are and where you belong.

As far as what to think if this ever happens again, there is no way to guarantee. The very best you can do is know in your heart and mind that if you are faced with it again you will be ok. This requires a lot of trust in yourself. You can only go so far as to try to predict the future. Aside from being confident that he's a good man who morals and boundaries, there is nothing you can do to guarantee a particular outcome. You can only know - really know - that the hurt will subside and that life will go on and that you will be ok.

You're all right. I have to figure out how I'm going to navigate this marriage without losing all of the ground that I've worked so hard to gain over the years. I guess that's really what scares me to death - the thought of starting over at square one, because square one was unbelievably painful.

Pre-nup isn't an issue - neither of us have a damned thing financially! This is definitely a love match! Seriously, though, I have considered that, and if I had anything of financial value, I would.

We both took the "Love Languages" test - both of us have the same one, words of affirmation. Talk about lucky!!!! There is and has been no problem communicating on either side, which is a shock because SO is autistic - he never thought he'd ever find anyone who understood him. Says I'm the first. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, really.

12 days to go, and I'm excited, scared, dizzy, nervous, all at once. I think the excitement is taking over, though.

You all are the best. Thanks for talking me through "bridal nerves".

I’m feeling nagging self-doubts that just don’t seem to want to go away. Am I doing the right thing, can I really trust this other person that I’m more or less giving myself to, what is going to happen to me if he cheats on me, etc.

What if any of your doubts happen? Will the world end? Will you pick yourself up and come out the better?

And what if none of the doubts happen, is it worth walking away now just because they might?

Which risk is worse? Getting married and they happen. Or skipping marriage and they don't happen. I think the latter would devastate me more than the former.

If we had crystal balls, we'd probably never do anything - deciding it would be better to avoid the bumps we know will happen. But then, we miss all the smooth sailing and the wonder of life.

Fireball, it sounds like you have found a wonderful person to spend your life with - you have my best wishes for happiness and the strength of a relationship to avoid the bumps and the ones you can't avoid, you both come out the better for taking the risk.