SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted about this last summer, but just looked and couldn't find the thread to bump up. It's too old! There is a guy in my larger running group. I have no idea who he is, but we do have some friends in common. They have assured me that he's harmless. He's at least 15 years older than me.

He first sent me an e-mail last August, asking if I wanted to get together for a casual drink, and telling me how beautiful I was. I ignored him, thinking he had the wrong person, but then he sent another message.

I told him I had no idea who he was. He responded by telling me that we'd met at a group run in 2004 and he'd fallen for me then, but I was married. I have no recollection of this.

He'd creep me out by sending me occasional messages, telling me how I looked fantastic in my pink sports bra (or whatever I had on) while running that day, and always asking to meet for a casual drink. I responded that I still had no idea who he was, he's creeping me out, and I would never date him. More messages from him, which I ignored. (Including giving me his running/tri bio, giving me his height/weight stats, and promising to lose 20 pounds before the end of the year -- all without any comments from me.)

Last November at a race, apparently he was one of the sentries (stands at a corner to make sure cars wait instead of trying to hit runners.) I always thank the sentries, since I've been one before and I know how terrible it is to stand out in the cold! After the race, he sent me a message telling me how beautiful I was and how I'd made his day by saying hi to him (I did not know it was him; I just said thank you to all of the sentries! Another friend who ran the race confirmed it was him. I still couldn't pick him out of a crowd.)

I ignored this, and a few months went by without hearing from him -- I assumed he'd finally got the message. But then I just got another message from him! I checked, and it's now been 7 messages from him without a response from me. Plus, a bunch more messages earlier with the only response from me telling him he was creepy.

I just don't get this guy! I am going to maintain crickets, but if he were so interested in me, don't you think he'd come up and introduce himself to me at one of the races we are at together? I'm glad he's not because that would be awkward (and my friends always make sure I am not alone at these races in case he does approach.)

In this last message, he mentioned an upcoming race I am doing (the race website lists all entrants.) I don't feel scared at all, but it's just so weird and creepy.

Ick, ick, ick!

This would freak me out. I'm glad you have friends with you during your runs. Please be careful.

Mmm. Keep ALL of the email communication because I think you're going to need it.

I think you should contact the race organizers and inform them that you are being harassed by one of the ... volunteers? Is that what they are?

Also, you have enough personal information about the guy that you are within your rights to get a restraining order against him, which I would also do.

You might think this is overkill, but imho, he's obsessing about you, stalking you, and while sure, it could be benign, why risk it?

Also, do you know someone in the race community there that could intercede for you and speak to him and tell him to leave you alone? That would also be an avenue I would also pursue.

It would make me really uncomfortable that someone could so clearly pick me out of a crowd at public events when I'm clueless who they are. And the fact that you're reduced to always keeping someone with you to enjoy your primary fun outlet is an indication that you feel your safety is compromised even if you aren't really admitting that you feel that way to us or even to yourself. I for one am concerned for your safety given what you've described. And I hope you'll consider being a little more pro-active in protecting yourself beyond just crickets. You've read Gavin DeBecker's Gift of Fear right? This is how that shit starts.

I'm with cayc - report him for harassing you.

You are right to be creeped out.

I would report the harassment, however he's not getting the message by you ignoring him. He may be the type that needs to hear - Do not contact me again.

Nothing more, nothing less. And then report everything.

Have you ever told him to stop contacting you?

I think technically it is not harassment unless you clearly state that his emails are unwelcome and to stop contacting you. Make sure you do this step before you report.

Ya that is beyond creepy and I would report him. Also make sure you know what he looks like so you can spot him in a crowd.

I have been direct with him and told him to stop contacting me, but not since last fall since I've just been ignoring him.

On several of his messages, he'll start "it's been 6 weeks since I've contacted you. Pretty good, huh?" and then ask me out for a casual drink.

He's not a member of the organization, so I'm not exactly sure who I should report him to? He just shows up at races/runs since they are open to the public.

I live in a big city with major crime, so I can't imagine trying to get the cops involved ("this guy occasionally sends me e-mails telling me I'm beautiful and asking me out") They would laugh me out of the station!

I can reread The Gift of Fear as it's been awhile. The thing is, I'm not scared by any of this. I'll talk some more with my friends who also know him and see if one of them will have a talk with him.

Thanks for all of your comments and concern! I don't want you to think I'm dismissing your concern at all. I'll talk to my aunt and uncle who are a state trooper/cop to get their thoughts as well. At the very least they can run a background check.

I know he's an alcoholic, so I suspect he just sends me an e-mail on occasion when he's had too much to drink.

It would really bother me if he is at these events and he can pick you out but you can't pick him out. At the very least, you should probably find out what he looks like so you can continue to avoid him. Surely you know some big, scary guy that can tell him to back the fuck off.

Ok. You told him you feel he is creepy and to stop contacting you, and he is still doing it. You said you have a mutual friend who knows who he is. Why won't your friend tell you? This man is getting off on your discomfort. Report him to the police. I know it sounds stupid, but make sure you take all the emails including the one showing you asked him to stop contacting you. You have enough for a restraining order. Get one, and be careful.

Why won't your friend tell you?

The times I've been with friends who know who he is, he hasn't been there at that time. I only have about 4 friends that ever come to these runs who know who he is. But they're all on the lookout so they can point him out to me.

For example, if it's a 20 mile training run, some of my friends come for just 10 or so miles and then leave. This guy apparently comes late since they haven't been able to find him at the start. By the time we're finished, I'm with friends who don't know him (because my friends who do know him didn't do the entire run and are gone.)

I think I am doing a bad job of explaining the situation. It's not creepy in a scary-I-think-he-may-try-to-hurt-me kind of way; more in a WTF-is-he-thinking-could-he-be-more-repulsive-and-desperate kind of way.

I won't start anymore threads about him; I'm really not in any danger!

Lets call this exactly what it is. The dude is a stalker. Period end of story. His obsession with you is only going to grow with each time you allow him to get away with this. He needs to be shut down now. Contact the police ASAP. The problem with stalkers is that you never know if they are just harmless or phycho MF'ers. You need to assume that he is a possible threat to you and act accordingly.

I won't start anymore threads about him; I'm really not in any danger!

?

I've seen your other thread on him. Everyone here has pretty much told you to be careful. I am not sure why you aren't seeing it? His actions are creepy. There is nothing cute, romantic, sweet here, and even a misguided socially backwards guy would at least let you know at some point who he is. There is something wrong mentally with a man who keeps contacting you after you have asked him to stop and that you feel his actions are creepy.

Have you friends use their cell phones and take a picture of him.

Do you get the feeling HE thinks he is being romantic? Could you send him one more message that says this is unwanted and inappropriate contact, if he contacts you one more time, you are reporting him to the police?

If you google him, is there a photo that shows up so you at least know what he looks like?

creepy.

Where is the tipping point when he does become scary? Do you really want to find that point? This for me would be enough. You only think about him when he surfaces...but...how often is he thinking about you and has he started doing things you aren't aware of yet? Will he in the future escalate because he feels you aren't listening to him? A benign guy gets the picture and doesn't keep contacting you.