SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I both started developing a close friendship with this man as soon as we met in November 2011. At one point close to his death, my husband said to him: "You're not a friend - you're family." I have had the chance to observe his behavior and I see a very kind man who is completely 5non judgemental and has an outgoing concern for others (agape).

He has left me earlier than we would both like during one of his visits so that he could get back to my old residence to give a ride home to a 90 year old woman after she's spent the day with her 91 year old husband in the rehab hospital, because "no one else there is willing to take take the time to do it."

We have discovered a few things in common already: a shared love of a VERY wide range of music, a shared understanding and use of things such as meditation, Reiki and the like; and a zest for adventure (we're going to the county airport tomorrow to find out how he can regain his pilot's license - he lost it because of 8 back surgeries and pain meds he took back then. We hope to go up in a 2 seater soon with him driving!)

My friend continues to spend a lot of time with me. It's usually just the two of us sitting in my apartment, listening to music and talking...sometimes having a drink or two. Or we go out with other friends in a group.

He still does not lay a hand on me or say anything off. Thursday night he paid for my dinner at a nice restaurant where we went with friends. And during our "alone" time he confessed that he has feelings for me and he feels guilty because he always felt that the wife or girlfriend or sister of his men friends was taboo. He also told me that he has only ever had a relationship with two women: his first wife and his (separated) current wife. I told him back that I HAD been wondering if he did have feelings, but didn't think so because of my weight. He hastened to tell me that personality was usually the main attraction as far as he was concerned.

I told him that I had started to have some feelings myself - which is true because since my husband died this man has been a rock. Someone who will just sit with you while you grieve is priceless! A few weeks after hubby died I had to put my 18 year old cat to sleep. He went with me and as we left (me still crying) he told me to look up and showed me the eagle that was cruising around overhead.

We agreed to go REALLY SLOW. I reminded him that I would NOT become the other woman, and he reminded me that he had already had the talk with his wife and she'd told him she wouldn't fight the divorce. Then we came home and talked for a while until he left.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 8:41 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]

Be careful that the friendship isn't turning into more because you need a shoulder, him too. You are both vulnerable and emotionally needing "something or someone" to get you through these hard times.

Don't rush and cause another wound when neither of you are ready to commit to someone new when the healing hasn't been achieved from past relationships yet.

It is good though to have good friends with you on the path to healing.

Good to hear you are communicating openly with him. I think this will be vital to success in either friendship or dating, whichever path you choose to pursue.

I understand how comforting his presence and friendship must be. Sometimes it is hard to make good decisions when we are still grieving. Grief can cloud our judgment. Going slowly makes a lot of sense.

I'm glad you're finding comfort with your new friend.

Amazonia, we are communicating a LOT! He doesn't seem to mind answering ANY question I have asked. I asked him today (after we found out that his pilot's license is still valid and that he needs to get his medical clearance updated to get back up in the air) just WHEN he started to know that he has feelings for me and he said it was when I moved away (March 1) and he began to really miss me.

Then, since he has been so completely hands off and I am STILL nervous about being so fat, I asked if he thought he would ever be physically attracted to me and he looked at me in astonishment and said "Of COURSE! It's just that I have to work through this thing about you being my friend's wife."

So I feel free to blurt out whatever crosses my mind - he has told me that he NEVER minds answering my questions.

He said something in passing today about "when I was still married". I responded with "but you're still married." He told me that since they'd been separated more than a year and his wife had said she wouldn't contest it, it wouldn't take very long to be final....and he plans to file next month.

I also asked about his first wife and he said that she'd been a drug addict. Friend's daughter has said that her mother messed her up mentally and that she's doing much better now that Mom's been moved out for quite a while.

Friend got a big smile today when he left today with my car (he's going to replace the power steering pump) and surprised with a very chaste and brief hug. My good gosh....man hugs are what I've missed the most!

I've been reading and sometimes responding to your posts for several years.

HBAT- You have always had your head straight when dealing with all of lifes punches. What I know of you, this friend isn't just someone to fill a void.

I worked in hospice for many years and when it's a prolong death, loved ones do many times heal very soon after the end.They have already done the grieving.

Healing and ready to move forward certainly doesn't lessen the love you had for H.

You have given this much thought and now you are giving yourself permission to continue to live your life.

I am very happy for you that you have someone that genuinely cares and loves you. Sometimes it might not seem like the right time in our lives to discover a new relationship but not opening yourself to the possibility would cause regrets later.

man hugs are what I've missed the most

Mmmmmm....I agree, I miss them too !

Enjoy the journey with friend and smile big,it's OK to be happy.

Gma

Thank you for the vote of confidence, gma56. Plato said "Know thyself." And I do. This is not my first rodeo - not by a longshot. And beloved hubby's 2 affairs (EA+PA) took away just about every gullible/naive bone I had.

Sometimes good things happen to good people and I would hate to miss something beautiful because of fear and/or cynicism.

My eyes are wide open, and so far nothing has flown up into them to make them water.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 8:59 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]