SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I must be getting better at this. Or I'm so close on the deal that I don't care much any more.

I sent her the following yesterday.

"I am requesting the kids for one of my summer vacation weeks from Sunday June 16 to Thursday June 20."

AND

"Also on April 29th I will be at UVA for a technical conference. I hope to have my parents here for that weekend to handle Monday pick up and Tuesday morning drop off as I will be staying the night on Sunday and Monday. In the event they cannot be here that weekend I need your permission to have someone come stay with the kids Monday night and take care of them as per the agreement. This also assumes at this time that your parents would not be available."

Her response:

"That is fine for the June dates. I will probably get them when you get home for at least a night but we can discuss that later.

As for April the 29th if your parents can come down I could take the kids and you could have the kids wednesday and Thursday."

While I should of just let it go, I could not. I was not looking for a deal or for her to feel like she was helping me out. Quite on the contrary I sent back:

"1. When I return from that vacation it is my weekend. I’m not looking to make a deal with you, I’m letting you know that is one of my allowable vacation weeks over the summer that I will be using with the kids. I don’t actually need permission, but I am letting you know as a courtesy to make sure nothing else is scheduled. We will be leaving that Sunday morning which is Father’s Day so I would have the kids as of 9AM anyways. I may be able to give you the kids the Friday after we get back but no promises. If not you will get them the following Sunday as per the agreement.

2. For April 29th, I am not looking to swap days or for your help. You made it perfectly clear you were not going to help me anymore so I don’t need or want your help as of now. Maybe in time that will change, but I don’t believe we can co-parent amicably at this point. If you were so willing to help you would be doing a lot more for as much as you are being paid. I don’t know if my parents will make it as my mother is going through treatments again and may/may not be able to make the trip. I will talk with your parents as a back up for that day. If they cannot back up then there are only two choices. Either you exercise your first right of refusal and take the kids or you allow me to have someone come and stay with them and handle drop off."

Her calculated respone?

"Whatever"

I too am co-parenting with a muppet. Read your legal agreement and understand what it says. AND either be a parent or get out of my way so I can parent.

I can say I responded with no anger in me. So I think of that as progress. I only need to contact her for kid stuff and I want it to be perfectly clear my position and intentions. She should be prepared that every time something like this comes up she will get an email from me to make sure agreements are in place as required by our custody agreement. Failure to follow agreement - I call my attorney and we add it to the list.

Ahhh. I feel a lot better today.

To respond to her with no anger is incredible! I know that it is hard sometimes to be civil and right now,for me, it takes a huge amount of control. I look forward to being where you are. I can't imagine how my WH would have behaved if the kids were younger. Yuck

Good for you! Every time I feel like I'm getting over the anger, he does something else that sets me back. I'm hoping to find your state of indifferent zen soon... maybe once the D is done...

What a world of difference being out of the BS fog makes!

I'm so proud of you DTTC. You should be as proud as punch too.

Do you have a response as yet?

I would reduce the amount of personal info you're providing. I would write it out then cross out the bits she doesn't need to know. Remember, she's not entitled to that info anymore - giving it to her makes her feel important. Only put in what she needs to know and what you need a decision on. eg. something like:

"I have a commitment and will be away away DATES Sun/Mon nights. Either my parents or yours will do Mon pickup and Tue dropoff. Should they not be available please advise whether you will exercise your FRR. If not I will arrange for someone else to do it as per our agreement. Please respond by Xtime Xday otherwise I will proceed on the basis that you are not exercising your FRR."

Thanks SBB - great ideas there on my next email when I need to be away. She didn't really respond other than she finally said she wanted the kids. She knows I have 3 or 4 people that will back me up on taking the kids so she almost has no choice because it makes her look worse than she already is. Part of me hopes my parents are here so they can watch them. My kids tell me they don't really like it at her place anyways.

It IS nice, getting to that point where you can really just be all business, isnt it?

Doesn't mean it still won't hurt, but it means you're really on the right road. The road to indifference. Which, in my life, meant peace.

Sad - so true. Still days things hurt. Little reminders and triggers. But as each piece of the asset division gets cleaned up and finished it's like one more band aid being ripped off. Hurts for a moment in time. Then pain subsides. I keep moving forward. As you can see I've planned one summer vacation week and will plan another. I continue to move my ducks into that proverbial row. I still have times I want her to pay for what she did. I want her to feel the pain and suffering. Other times I just tell myself it might never happen, maybe she's become too calous to realize and care. So in that regard I almost feel sorry for her. She has lost everything and pushed asside everything she used to believe in. One of the last things I told her recently in a heated exchange was the I was truly disappointed in her. I thought she was a better person than this. She probably didn't really care what I thought and to some extent it felt like I was lecturing a 7 year old. In fact looking back, many of our conversations over the last 6 months felt like I was lecturing a 7 year old.

I guess that's what you get when you co-parent with a muppet.

My view is that karma has already visited. He lost me. He lost his intact family. I don't need him to be run over by karma because he has done it to himself. He is still doing it and for that I pity him.

I'm free but he's still... well... him. I'm out of that crazy cycle of love/hate/love/hate/betrayal/drama that he calls life.

His endless search for love will be derailed over and over because what each of his victims falls in love with is the same mask I fell in love with. It can be maintained for a few years but in the end it cracks and falls off. They see the real him and then its all over.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat. What a way to live. No thanks.

I've also told monster he is a massive disappointment. As a husband, as a father, now as an X. I had hoped for so much better. I still hold out hope that he will do better for my girls.

You're going to be OK DTTC. As you untangle from the crazy she'll become like that weird relative you have to see from time to time (aside from the co-parenting aspect - boy oh boy, lower muppets for sure).

Our kids only need one good parent - and we're great ones. They'll be OK too.