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Gomphus (original poster member #29779) posted at 8:48 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
I'd say I've been in mine for over 2 years. Part of it I spent drinking too much. Part of it I spent dating too much. Trying to 'deal' with the pain. And I was,in small ways, actually looking at myself, my contribution to the divorce, etc., but I was also seriously distracting myself from the 'real' NB stuff.
About six months ago I really changed a lot. I dropped the drinking and the dating dramatically, but not completely (I'm human!). I found a new and very helpful therapist and did EMDR. I guess I kinda thought I was 'done' - as we often do.
This week I've realized how conflict-avoidant I am and how poor I am at asserting my needs. This is true with coworkers, my employees, girls I date, friends. . . I have made small changes and been mostly aware of this but for some reason today it seems like I 'get it'. Monolithic, if you will.
Surviving infidelity, if you choose to pursue it, is the gift that keeps on giving. While it's hard to realize my my progress sometimes, we can nibble at our demons toward some ultimate success - all because we got dealt a shitty hand. That's pretty cool.
[This message edited by Gomphus at 2:49 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
for some reason today it seems like I 'get it'. Monolithic, if you will.
That's great, Gomphus. Sometimes things have to "steep" with me until they are strong enough to whack me upside the head. Hope today's light bulb leads to some leaps and bounds in healing for you. 
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
I'm a girl, I'm not conflict avoidant, but I have been anger avoidant in my 20s and 30s (Thanks Lt. Col. Dad)
How long did your Anger phase last, Gomphus?
[This message edited by ladies_first at 4:40 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 10:44 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
for some reason today it seems like I 'get it'. Monolithic, if you will.
Can you pinpoint what changed? EMDR success?
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
Gomphus (original poster member #29779) posted at 10:46 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
Thanks, gals. My anger hasnt stopped but it has shifted and diminished in both frequency and duration. I went through being mad at exWW, the world, the OM, and now, myself for letting myself become a doormat.
Gomphus (original poster member #29779) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
EMDR was huge, but lartly because i did cognitive behavioral work for a year or so prior. I understood what happened and how i was/am and the emdr helped me process it. Part was a choice of not letting exWW direct my life anymore and not clinging to the past instead if living in the present. I did the grieving, etc, now I just wanna move forward. I was stuck and CBT via EMDR helped me get unstuck.
SBB ( member #35229) posted at 11:36 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2013
Surviving infidelity, if you choose to pursue it, is the gift that keeps on giving. While it's hard to realize my my progress sometimes, we can nibble at our demons toward some ultimate success - all because we got dealt a shitty hand. That's pretty cool.
So very true. I've had lessons I wish I didn't need but I'm getting to a place of being grateful for the lessons. All parts of my life have changed for the better.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
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