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DS #1 was having a hard time tonight, so we had a long talk. He's very angry about the D; he puts up a good front about it and has been very positive about his dad's impending remarriage, but tonight... well, that front came crashing down. He was being very snippy with his siblings, and I called him on it-- told him that we are kind in my house, don't treat each other coldly and rudely, and he started to cry. Long story short, we started talking about the D after he acknowledged that his behavior was inappropriate. I have never said anything about the upcoming remarriage except to say that I knew about it. DS #1, however, told me that he was "confused" (uh oh... STBX won't like that) about his dad's relationship with Mrs. X. He said, and I quote: "It seems like it's going too fast. We hardly know her. I don't feel like she could be my stepmother."

Wow. My NINE YEAR OLD has the presence of mind to realize that STBX's fast tracking of this marriage doesn't seem right. I was very careful... I said that his dad had to make his own decisions, and I said that I would want to take any future relationships I might have slowly. DS #1 wanted to know if there was anything I could do to stop them-- like a law that would prevent it. I had to tell him no (even though we're not divorced yet!!!); his dad could remarry again quickly if he wants.

Man, I hope that I'm the example that my kids think about when they start dating some day. I am so afraid that their father is completely effing them up when it comes to relationships. He is being SUCH a poor example for them, and yet he thinks that I'm confusing the children by saying that the OW makes poor choices. Well, STBX, you're doing a fine job of showing our kids how capable of poor choices you are as well.

I'm so sorry. That must be rough for your kids.

Kids are so incredibly insightful! It always amazes me! I'm glad your son feels comfortable and safe to talk to you about these very difficult and confusing feelings. Hugs to all of you!!

Kids know a lot more than we give them credit for.

Long before infidelity reared it's ugly head in our relationship, when DS was 5 years old (he's now almost 28), he came rushing up to me when I came home from work and blurted out "Daddy had a girl in the house!" The X & I had never fought about our relationship; I had no problem with his having female friends, but somehow DS felt this was wrong.

It turned out to be a mutual acquaintance who stopped by to see our parrots. Who knows; something could have been going on at that time, but I found it funny and touching that DS had my back.

(((TA74 and DS)))

The OW has been in my children's lives for a while now. My kiddos were very hesitant, and guarded in the beginning, and my eldest questioned things like your DS. As excruciating as it was, I just kept reinforcing to him that the unknown is scary, and things would work out. I also had to reign in any conversations that I had on the phone, or in person since my little guy is excellent at hearing even the slightest whisper. At one point, he even tried to read over my shoulder when I was here on SI. Anyway, I had no idea that I was unknowingly projecting my hesitation onto him and making him feel panicked about my intense feelings for STBX's decisions in relation to the OW.

I don't like to admit this too often, but it has actually worked out okay. OW is nice to my children, and they now see that the 'pressure' is off to like her right away.

It is still uber-difficult to hear stories of the fun times they have when not with me, but it does help if I remind myself that their happiness is paramount, and that I need to really move on and not just pretend for their sake (repeat mantra).

My DS even asked for us to get back together several times, but each time I reminded him that their father and I are happiest unmarried to each other which seemed to help.

Are you in IC, or is there a school counselor that he can talk to?

Ugh. I totally know where you are right now, but it will get better.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 9:43 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

There is a school counselor that he's talked to a few times, and he's also in a support group for kids of D at school, which he really likes.

However, I am considering IC for all of us. If things get worse once the stepfamily is installed full-time, I know that I probably won't be able to handle that without professional help (for me and for the kids).

While I do my best to insulate the kids from the experience (hiding SI from them, talking on the phone when they're not around/well away from them in a whisper), I think that my kids are also going to see things for what they are without my interference. STBX is modeling the exact opposite of what we've taught our kids about relationships-- that you marry someone you really love and have spent a lot of time with first, you shouldn't rush relationships, etc. I've been saying those things long before DDay when my kids asked me about relationships. I think that DS #1 is questioning this from a healthy place, and I need to make sure that he knows I can be his sounding board if his dad and stepmommy are behaving in "confusing" ways.

It's just hugely disappointing that a grown man can't see the forest for the trees like his son can, but I suppose that if he could, I wouldn't be here in the first place.