SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The other day was my oldest daughters 18th birthday. Traditionally, we (the family) go out to dinner and the guest of honor picks the restaurant. My STBXH left the home in January and we are processing through our D. Trying to keep things on an even keel for my daughters, we planned the family dinner including STBXH. I know....crazy for sure!!! We met my STBXH at the restaurant.

On our (me and my girls) way home, my youngest asked me if dad has a girlfriend. Oldest daughter who kinda knows what has been going on says "gee Mom, can't wait to hear how you answer this one!". I tell the youngest she needs to have a talk with her dad. She was so mad at me! She wants to freakin know! She asked me what her name is! Oldest says...."Yeah, I'd like to know that as well!" OMG. I was taken off guard. I really don't want to piss off STBXH and really, this story is something HE should have to tell them. NOT ME!!!! I didn't do this.

He has been with this same woman for 5 LONG YEARS! This didn't happen over night and she is not gone out of his life. He talks to her everyday and I assume he will move her physically into his life once our D is final. I told him about this conversation and asked him to please sit down with the kids. They have questions and I think he should explain to them. I told him if he decides not to do it and I am faced with more questions in the future, I will be forced to give them information. My youngest feels left out of the loop. This is her family and she is being kept in the dark as to how we ended up in this mess. It's like someone told her to finish a puzzle and a couple of the pieces are missing and she is frustrated because she cannot finish it!!! I am not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but she is angry with me for not answering her questions. I think my oldest has kinda given her some details of what she knows.

My STBXH called our youngest and told her he thinks they should have a talk. I imagine this will happen this weekend and I am scared of the outcome. The SHIT is going to hit the fan!!!!!! Ughhh.

(((((lost4now & DDs)))))

This part sucks out loud. My kids both figured it out and asked me - separately - if there was someone else. I confirmed it and told them that they could talk to me about anything they want at anytime.

I answered what I could, but many of my answers to questions about the A and OW were, "I honestly don't know, but you can ask your father."

Wasband was very angry at me for confirming their suspicions. I told him what I told my kids - I will not lie to them. I didn't out him, they figured it out. Kids are smart. And they deserve to have their questions answered.

Good luck to you all.

Yep, it will hit the fan. He is not going to want to be judge by his DD's, but don't we want them to make some sort of judgement about cheating...? *Sigh* And doesn't he want his DD's to only stay in faithful relationships... but the WS line about "grasping for happiness" is going to screw with them... and then there are those who "demand" respect because "I am your father!" Crimie - Actions meet consequences.

Just support the girls in their feelings! What else can you do...?

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:57 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

I struggle with this.

I was always taught that my parent's personal lives were none of my business. There is alot that happens behind a parent's closed door that kids shouldn't know about because they are adult issues and they are personal to just the parents. Just because the kids WANT to know, doesnt mean that they SHOULD know.

on the other hand.

Changes that a parent makes like moving another woman into a house, directly effects the children. And while some things should be explained....others maybe not so much.

There is no win here, its all about making less of a mess as possible.

I think you were 100% right in telling the girls that they needed to talk to their father, but if you really do end up having to say something to them, make sure that you do it gracefully and take the high road. They are still just children (even at 18)

I sat both of my sons down, at 13 & 16 and told them why I kicked their dad out.

I did it tactfully, after months of consideration and consultation with our dr's and therapists.

I didn't call him a mf'n bastard but I explained that I wouldn't tolerate the blatant disrespect for me, or them.

fuuuuuuuuck that guy

When my DS13 (12 then) asked me a week after H left what H did to hurt me, I said "You need to talk to Dad." DS13 said that Dad had only said that it was grown-up stuff and wouldn't answer his questions. Then DS10 (then 9) popped up with "It's so obvious. He cheated on her."

At that point, I told my boys the truth as I knew it at that time, including who she was. They didn't need to hear graphic details. But they both know what sex is and they understood completely what cheating meant. They lost a lot of respect for their dad that day. DS13 still hasn't recovered completely even though we are in R now. Dad was his best friend - Dad left him too.

I have told my boys the truth about the situation ever since...

ETA: And yes, my H was totally pissed when he found out that I had told them about OW4. But, does it really matter how the WS feels at that point? Your kids' mental health is so much more important IMO.

((hugs to you and your DDs))

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 11:53 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

He is suppose to have the girls this weekend but the oldest has yet to go to his place and now the youngest (15) is angry at him and she is refusing to go!!!

This is going to wear me out!

I think you can safely tell them that their father fell out of love with mom five or six years ago, without mentioning any woman. They can figure out that one on their own.

Say that he pretended he did, for a while wanting to live with his daughters and watch them grow up because their dad loves them so much. But after some time, he could no longer fool you about his true feelings, and for various reasons related to that fact he didn't love you, it made you feel terribly unloved even more to be faced daily with someone who didn't love you bac. That at some point, it became less painful and more healthy for your esteem and emotionally to not see yourself as someone resented by another for holding back his happiness, and to be seen again as a wonderful person with much to offer the world.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 5:33 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

^^Heavy Sigh, I usually agree with you but not in this case. They are 18 and 15 - I may be projecting here having 2 little girls of my own but that comes off as almost a gaslighting version.

They don't need the whole sordid story with photos but I wouldn't give them the Hollywood version either.

TBH I honestly don't know what the 'right' thing to say is.

lost, are they in IC?

At their age I would answer their questions.

IMO when he does tell them you need to sit down with them and answer their questions. Not sordid ones (which I believe they will have) but the overall picture.

Unfortunately they now feel lied to (in that dramatic teen way) by both of you.

If you don't want to discuss it with them further than what he tells them either because you believe it is a private matter or because of their age I would tell them that you are not ready to talk about it or that you don't know how to talk to them about it just yet.

You are right. You didn't do this. But its not your secret to keep. He should be the one to tell them for sure but they will also have questions for you.

I don't envy you this happening now and smack bang in the middle of your girls teen years. There is going to be resentment galore and I fear you will bear some of it. Be prepared for them to be angry that they weren't told. Be prepared for them to be angry that they've been duped. This is something that has happened to them too.

IC for your girls, IC for you - find the tools to help them and you deal with this whole mess and how to navigate your way out of it together, as a family - you and the girls I mean.

((lost4now))

Sorry Heavy Sigh but I agree with SBB.. That sounds like a big ole heaping plate of shit sandwich disguised as gas lighting with a side of trickle truth thrown in.

Do not perpetuate the lying by making up some crap ass story about falling out of love but wanting to stay for his kids-- please! Isn't that what waywards say to justify their affairs??

But I didn't love YOU anymore- I love HER now and when do I get to be happy?? whine, whine, whine. me, me, me!

Tell them to ask their father. He owes them an explanation. And when he trickle truths them, you can answer their growing questions with what you know.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 4:40 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

My boys were 18 when the shit hit the fan.

They knew. But they asked anyways. WH gave them the "we grew apart" bs. I told them the truth. Dad had a girlfriend. Told them we were going to try and save the marriage (although WH never tried). When he left, I told them why.

To this day, almost 18 months later, WXH has NEVER had a conversation with his kids about all of it. NEVER. And he never will. He's never invited them to his apt, even though OW and her daughter have been there....and he knows that his boys know. He decided that he was entitled to new life and that his kids did not need to be involved in that new life.

Neither son respects him, and one outright hates him. They can't even visualize where their dad is. And he doesn't care.

So, my two cents? Yeah, you can tell the kids to talk to the wayward parent....but they may never get an answer. I believe kids deserve the (age appropriate and matter-of-fact) truth. From somebody.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 5:19 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Hmm sounds like the girls have your back!! YaY! Let him look in their eyes and feel the shame!

I feel for your girls and hope they do well.

I wish I could tell my boys why we had to split up. They were 1 and unborn when the affair started. When we divorced they were 2.5 and 1. DS6 was 4 when he started yelling at me and being mad at me for "kicking dad out." Luckily, they both have adjusted to all of the changes the best that they can.

Do you think XH is going to tell DD the truth about how things went down?? Did she end up going over there this weekend?

Shit is going to hit the fan. My kids are close in age to yours. STBX walked out and didn't say good-bye to the kids. He wanted to be happy. He had visitations (3x a week for couple hours) ~ DD17 stopped going after 1 month. DS14 stopped going after 4 months. No communication at all.

Kids therapists say it is going to take many months, probably over a year before they would even consider starting family therapy with stbx.

I would suggest that you be honest with your answers. No details but no rug sweeping. I followed this reasoning:

Dr. Laura show

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

-------

And, my position on radical honesty and transparency in marriage, which was definitely not in the tool box of most counselors when I first brought it up, is now becoming much more accepted by therapists working in the trenches.

At first, whenever I came up with a new idea, I'd try it out on the couples I counseled. My goal was always to "do no harm" in my effort to help. I was very concerned about unintended consequences. But as I created methods that were logical outcomes of my basic theory, I found that these methods worked amazingly well every time they were implemented. That's why I can speak with such confidence today. I've personally witnessed thousands of successful outcomes when couples learn to meet each other's emotional needs, learn to make decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement, and learn to be radically honest with each other.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Best wishes,

Dr. Harley

Link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=157728&Number=2271446#Post2271446

I will be thinking of your DD's this weekend and I am encouraging you to answer your DD's questions honestly.

The therapist I was taking DS1 to said that I should be honest with him when he asks questions and to not lie to him. I tend to agree. I will not lie to my kids. That being said, they are very young so I didn't tell them much because they wouldn't understand but I will continue to answer their questions and give them age appropriate answers when they come up. XH still says, "It's an adult thing....blah, blah, blah...."

With my adult kids I told WH: "either you tell them the truth or they will hear it from me". He did.

My almost seven-year-old grandson keeps asking why papa and I don't live together in the big house anymore. I'm not going to tell him about the sex obviously, but I have said that papa made some decisions that meant I couldn't be with him anymore.

This is exactly where I am too. XWH moved out in Jan, and has yet to tell DD18 that he has a girlfriend. Their conversations are superficial at best. For some reason, I feel like I am betraying XWH for telling DD18 about his girlfriend, the reason he left, etc. (yet he has no problems betraying me and his family).

When DD18 asked, I knew this was a critical moment...I could tell her what I knew, and continue an honest relationship with her; or I could lie for XWH again, and potentially ruin mine and DD18's relationship. I decided to tell her what I knew as facts. I am sure XWH will be pissed at me, but I know I have to remove myself from the role of always making other people happy, even if it makes me feel like crap.

So, I told DD18 that I will not bring up issues about XWH, but if she had questions, I would answer as honestly as I could. I told XWH that I would not lie for him anymore, that I would not risk my relationship with DD18 to protect him (not sure he really understood what I was saying, but then again, that is not my problem anymore).

Kids will find out the truth sooner or later; and I didn't want my DD18 to feel betrayed by me for lying about her dad. I agree, it is XWH's story to tell, but he won't do that.

[This message edited by hurting2much at 7:27 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

My first thought was "I will keep the kids out of it", don't want to ruin the relationship between the kids and their father.

Just found out H been cheating on me.

As time is going by, when I do leave him, what am I going to tell the kids. Am I going to tell them that I left him cause I do not love him anymore. That is not the case. I am leaving him cause he has been unfaithful and the children will know about it. Why the hell should I take the blame for his shitty decisions.

Base your decision on the age of the children, and to what extent you are willing to tell them. It is a tough one!

DS was an adult (age 20) when all of this happened. He was very close to both of us, but his father had always been his source of comfort. (I'm the advisor.) I didn't want him to hate his father, especially if we were able to R (we did not).

Our arguments were horrific at times and DS heard some of it. He was despondent because didn't explain what was going on. He went to his aunt (X's sister) and she approached me about his feelings, so I told him everything--the lies, the sneaking around, the discoveries, the viagra. Of course, the X minimized everything and lied to him, telling him she was just a friend and I was over-reacting. It was a mess.

DS figured out the truth and it damaged his relationship with his father. It sucks for both of them.

Don't lie; don't minimize. Be open and honest.

Hugs, this stuff isn't easy to navigate is it?

I agree with the poster that adult things need to be kept between adults... UNTIL it affects the children. Splitting a family is breaking that foundation of the kids lives. They will not look at anything with a feeling of permanence ever again. The reasons for the deconstruction of their family do affect them and need to be addressed. The truth cannot be worse than what they are imagining. My kids ALL thought they were the reason we were splitting. The last several months X and I argued about everything and with 4 kids a LOT Of those arguments were kid related. My kids needed to know that our breakup was NOT their fault.

When this all went down 10+ years ago my girls were 12, 12, 10 and 8. I put them in therapy. I continued with our MC now turned IC as H did not want to participate.

Both therapists agreed that XH SHOULD be the one to tell them the truth. BUT when they asked ME questions I should answer them as truthfully as possible WITHOUT going into emotions. Just the facts.

I kept to that for many years... then one by one my girls have had Boyfriends cheat... they now understand the some of the feelings I went thru. It isn't pretty, but it is honest. And we talk about those feelings now.

That honesty has helped my relationship with my kids. They know I will be honest, they might not like it, but I will not lie. They can count on that.

They can't say that about their father and his wife.

Be honest, and keep to the facts. He can be mad all he wants... but your relationship with your kids is YOUR priority. How he chooses to handle his relationship with them is his choice.

If you are not honest, they will think that they are the cause of it and you don't want to tell them that. - It's the way my kids minds work... as well as their friends.

Another way to handle it ... is to ask them what they think is going on? I am willing to bet they already think he is having an affair.. if they admit to it.. then you can say... that's what I believe also. And go on to say how it is wrong, disrespects your marriage etc.. and that is why you are living separately.

Hugs,