SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I should be happy. New lawyer I think will fight for me. Girl time with friends, having lots of fun. I have a great family, great pets, great job. My son was baptized tonight at 9 years old, choosing it on his own, for all the right reasons.

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I feel so detached from STBXWH. My problem is my kids.

They knew MOW (and her kid the same age as my boys) for over a year without me knowing. They would hang out, play dates at the park, movies, lunches, dinners, fun nights at our home while I finally got out of the house once in a while (I work from home). And my boys never told me. After D-Day when I casually asked if they knew her, they said, "Yeah, of course. Dad told us not to tell you, that he would tell you." He bribed them with superheroes and other toys to keep their mouths shut.

I know my kids didn't really do anything intentionally to hurt me, but why didn't they tell me?? What if a neighbor had been raping them and told them not to tell me??

It feels like rejection. Like he is closer to them than I am.. I feel like not enough of a mother that they would keep secrets from me..

I guess the mind movies come sometimes imagining what my WH does with these OW, but involving my kids and having them lie to me is the worst part. I feel like such a failure as a mother..

Maybe if she and her kid weren't there EVERY time he sees them now, it wouldn't bother me, but the kids like her and have fun hanging out with her son. What a shot in the heart... This sucks so hard core

This is one of the saddest stories I

Have read Here.

I am so sorry.

Your boys are so young...

They probably would not have understood the dynamic of the situation. none of this is their fault or your fault. The blame must be laid squarely at their father's door.

He manipulated them and in some jurisdictions I would imagine that this would qualify as Parental Alienation. For me it feels like emotional abuse.

Remember the abuser not the abused are responsible.

Have you spoken to your sons about this? I think it is important that you reinforce to them that one person telling them to keep something a secret for a parent is wrong... You need to do this to protect them from abuse or manipulation in the future.

Have you been in IC? I think it could be useful to talk through your pain about this.

As for your boys enjoying the time with OW and her child.. I know it must Hurt like hell. But truly, it is better for them to be happy when with their Father than having them begging not to go as they hate it there so much.

Do you feel upset by their happiness as it feels like another betrayal?????

They know you are their mother...children should not feel that they have to be more loyal to one parent than another. Regardless of whatever we may think of their other parent I feel as divorced parents we need to give our children the gift of letting them know that they can love and be

Happy with both parents. However much we have to grit our teeth and pretend we are thrilled that they like the ow.

That's gotta be tough on you. ((Butterflygirl)).

Live in hope that one day the kids will see his manipulations for what they truly are. All you can do is keep reinforcing with your kids that they can tell you anything good, bad or ugly. There is no secret they can keep from you ever.

This is exactly what my WH did, although not for a full year. My kids never met MOW's kids but he and MOW would hang out at our house, go to the park etc. My kids have autism, so even though they are verbal, they cannot reliably answer questions like "what happened". It sounds like WH told the kids that I didn't like MOW (no shit!) so they shouldn't mention that they saw her.

Of all the things that happened during the A, I fucking hate him for that the most.

(((Butterflygirl)))

As horrible as it is to have been blindsided about the OW, you need to get your kids into some kind of therapy for exactly the reason you stated--what if they were being molested by someone who was bribing them into silence?? This is VERY serious.

Sadly, once again, you need to put your feelings on the shelf and make sure that your kids stay safe.

Thanks for the replies. I will try to answer some of the questions..

Have you spoken to your sons about this?

Absolutely. I am using every opportunity I can to explain why keeping secrets is wrong. Seeing a kid cheat on a test, seeing someone steal something, etc. I even tried to explain that when someone asks you to keep a secret and you don't see the harm in it, there must be something shady about it for it to need to be a secret..

Have you been in IC?

Yes, intermittently over my life and continuously since D-Day. I spent almost the whole session this last Friday crying about this very subject..

My kids have been to 4 sessions of counseling now as well and will continue weekly.

Do you feel upset by their happiness as it feels like another betrayal??

I guess the answer is yes. I know it's not their fault, but I must admit I do feel a level of betrayal from my children..

However much we have to grit our teeth and pretend we are thrilled that they like the ow.

My teeth are gonna fall out soon from gritting them so much lately. I try to be upbeat and positive, and even told them this morning to enjoy their time going to the comic book store to enter a board game competition with her and her son.

For me it feels like emotional abuse.

and

as divorced parents we need to give our children the gift of letting them know that they can love and be happy with both parents

These facts contradict themselves in my mind constantly. I feel like he is definitely emotionally abusive to me and them. So how do I encourage them to love and be happy with someone who emotionally abuses them??

what if they were being molested by someone who was bribing them into silence?? This is VERY serious.

This part is so hard, especially giving my history and his history. I have a great family, but I was raped as a child by my older brother's friend about 10 times. He told me if I ever told anyone he would do it to my sister. I never told anyone till I was 15, when I told a friend of mine and he told his parents, who told my parents.. I've gotten therapy for this over the years and feel I have come to terms with a lot of it. I knew I needed help and sought it.

My WH has many FOO issues. He was also molested as a child by his biological father, father's friends, and neighbors (as well as forced to do drugs). He never told anyone. I had heard bits and pieces over the years of bad stories, but not much. His mother had stayed with the guy even though he was a drug addict and prostitute for both sides, but she left him when he went to jail for raping a 5-year-old girl. We did visit him on his deathbed (from AIDS) about 5 years ago as a family.

His mom had gone on to marry an abusive alcoholic and stayed with him for about 15 years till he died of liver disease. She is now on her 3rd husband, who left to be with an OW for over a year, but she has since taken him back.. On a side note, I think he thought I would be like his mom, always sticking around no matter what he did to me. I like his mother, but I question a lot of her decisions..

Soon after D-Day, my WH and I were having a heart to heart and he opened up about a lot of the pain and memories, telling me explicit stories I had never heard. I suggested he talk to his mom. His mom says she never knew anything about the molestation or forcing of taking drugs.. He told me after we separated to keep my mouth shut about those experiences and that he will never speak of them again. He obviously has issues, and I can't force him to deal with them.

This makes me so scared for our children. Maybe he has molested them and I don't know?? I've talked to my children many times about their private parts, that no one is allowed to touch them, etc..

I'm so struggling right now. I wish I could be that person that people have to 2 x 4 and tell me to be more mature and let it go and they need their dad, etc., but what if I really have one of the exes I'm supposed to be protecting my kids from?? I don't want him to be a horrible person, but I'm so scared he's actually a really fucking horrible person..

So how do I encourage them to love and be happy with someone who emotionally abuses them??

Have you talked to your IC about this? I don't have kids at all, but this is actually something I think about occasionally.

By the BS reassuring the kids that the WS really does love them, etc., aren't they giving the kids a false understanding of what love is and potentially putting them at greater risk of getting into a relationship (later in life, obviously) with someone who abuses them because they thought that's what love looked like?

I don't know what the answer is at all, but it does seem like a lot of people whose parents cheated wind up either being a BS or WS. (Obviously not all, and people whose parents didn't cheat can also wind up being a BS or WS.) I just wonder if it's partly because they were brought up thinking that love involves treating someone so horribly.

(((ButterflyGirl & kids)))

This is just messed up..... Your H and OW are the issue! Why are you questioning rather or not you're a good mom.

You're going to IC, you've talked to your kids about keeping secrets, you seem to be doing whatever you can to help your kids.

Why do we always turn on ourselves? Why do the OW or OM seem to think there isn't a problem with themselves. Where is the OW's compassion for th family she is ripping apart?

I was hurt and saddened by H cheating & divorce but Most of the hurt I feel now is just from humanity. I can't seem to get my head around how people do the things they do.

Your H and OW are the issue! Why are you questioning rather or not you're a good mom. You're going to IC, you've talked to your kids about keeping secrets, you seem to be doing whatever you can to help your kids.

Thank you for the much-needed push back into reality.. I am doing whatever I can to help them..

Maybe I feel like I was so dang naive. So many red flags I should have seen as a wife. Now I'm seeing red flags as a mom, and if I miss this one too, I will never forgive myself.

I didn't tell my mom about being molested. He didn't tell his mom either. Maybe I would have felt some of this whether he cheated on me or not, but I want to do everything I can to protect my kids from the hell I went through. His father actually was a pedophile, so it makes me more paranoid..

I try to be supportive of my kids and get them to open up about their feelings of mom and dad being separated, letting them know they can talk and ask me questions any time, but they refuse to talk about him anymore. They like to tell me about all the fun they have with her son, of course, but never about him.

About a week ago, my older son was telling me a story about their day at a video game place, and my younger son actually told him right in front of me, "You're not supposed to tell mom about that!" He's only 5!! And he is totally capable of manipulating me. And my WH is the one causing this behavior. It's so sick and twisted I just can't wrap my head around what I should be doing.. If they don't want to talk to me about him, I don't feel I should be pressuring them, but something seems so awfully wrong with this picture..