SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been riding the R roller coaster for a few months now, but I'm beginning to think I'm just delaying the inevitable. How did you know it was over? How confident were you? I had someone once tell me "you'll know", but I'm not 100% (just 99.9%).

I wasn't 100% until after my divorce was final. I kept thinking that somehow the pending divorce would shock him enough to become the man I always thought he was and the man I deserved. Obviously, that didn't happen :) He did try to convince me to R between filing and final divorce, but by that time I'd become strong enough and had enough insight to see things more clearly and realize that the change I needed from him to even be a decent human being would be far beyond anyone's capability.

Good luck with your decision. I think it's very hard to ever know anything 100%. I can't think of the last time I felt 100% about a big decision. There are always unknowns and uncertainties that arise. You make the best decision with the information you have. Once the decision is made, you focus on the future and not regretting the past, and craft a fabulous new reality.

I knew when I found out that XWH was cheating again. Even with him cheating again, though, I can't say that I was 100% certain. Guess I was hoping for him to be the man I married, not who he is now. But I can hope all I want, it just isn't going to happen. I finally realized that the real decision for me was "do I want to be married to the man I see NOW?"

I will say that when he moved out, my mind became clearer and clearer with each passing day, and I do know it was the right decision for me.

When the thought of continuing to be married to him was more awful than the thought of being alone.

One day I looked at him and thought 'THIS is not how I want to spend the rest of my life'.

There were lots of little lighbulb moments along the way, such as realizing the example we were setting to our kiddos of what a relationship looks like. That was NOT what I wanted them to gravitate towards as adults.

So even though I knew I was done, there were continual validations all during the D process to reiterate my decisions (ie more As came to light, etc).

Its like a switch goes off. Something will hit you just right and you know. X, we lived in the country and when I was thinking about how I was going to manage garbage pick up - I knew I was done.

My therapist said to give myself permission to divorce. I didn't fail, it's not my fault the A happened. To FORGIVE MYSELF. When you look at your current situation as an outsider what would you tell yourself to do?

Ill add one more from someone who fought for years to R : if you're stuck in limbo, you are not getting better. If current state of the marriage is unacceptable, D is the only answer to a better life. Period.

(((Hugs)))

One day I looked at her and thought 'THIS is not how I want to spend the rest of my life'.

When the thought of continuing to be married to her was more awful than the thought of being alone.

^^^Both of these for me, I changed him to her. For me I realized that my W would not be able to do the work to make herself safe for me. Seh had already had 2 A's with one fo them being a 3 yr LTA. I refused to wait around wondering when #3 was going to be dropped in my lap. I was tired of being miserable and finally KNEW that the unknown of post D life couldn't be worse than what I was living now. figured I had been low long enough and had nowhere to go but up so I filed. Took me almost 2 years to get to that point and I wish i had done it sooner.

I didn't have one moment - it was all the little moments together, and knowing he really wasn't going to change. There was nothing consistent in his "remorse".

So even though I knew I was done, there were continual validations all during the D process to reiterate my decisions (ie more As came to light, etc).

^^ and this.

I knew on DD but raged against it.

I had a big few moments but deep down I knew this wasn't something I could live with - even if he had shown True Remorse, even if he had done everything I said I wanted.

He couldn't do what I wanted most - he couldn't unring that bell or unfuck those girls. He couldn't make our relationship clean again. It was forever tainted for me.

What he did before I found out, perhaps even before he actually cheated, those little betrayals of me over a 5+ year period. Then after.

The betrayals beyond infidelity nailed it for me.

I couldn't stay with someone who disrespected themselves, me, our M, our vows or our promises to each other.

I also knew I'd never feel safe again. For me it was no way to live.

His lack of remorse was a gift. He made a decision that might have taken me years to find the strength to make. Or worse - we may have had 30 more empty years together all because it wasn't good enough to stay yet not quite bad enough to leave.

When did i know 100%? Several times:

In Sept 2012, after DDay, and when I retained the service of an attorney.

Early Dec. 2012, when I found her email to a guy she dated in college telling him she loved him, was head over heels for him and was looking forward to bringing him to the family holidays next year. (Different guy from DDay...)

When we told the kids about the impending divorce in January, and she was not the least bit sad.

A few weeks ago when I learned she had started taking BC pills, after telling me there was no longer an OM.

There have been a few others in there but those are the biggies.

What I'm trying to get across is to be easy on yourself for having doubts. But, know that if this person is not willing or capable of putting in the hard work necessary to repair the relationship, there is really no chance. Don't listen to what the say, pay attention to their actions. But specifically how is he helping YOU?

Through all of the crocodile tears STBX has shed, the regret she has expressed and the meager apologies, She has NEVER once tried to comfort me or help me to feel safe in the relationship. Never shown the least bit of remorse for the hell she's put me through for years of her bullshit. Now, I'm 100% committed to following through with the divorce.

Will I still have a shred of doubt when we sign the final decree? Most

Likely, yes. But as an engineer, I know that 99.9% is close enough to 100% for all practical purposes.

Hang in there, heavyheart. 99.9% is close enough.

Like others have said, it's like a realization hits you that you would rather be alone than be with this person. And that they are NOT willing to do the work to fix the relationship with you.

STBX was totally unwilling to do with work, be transparent, stop the lying and all his A behaviour. he failed to see that his word now meant nothing to me by this time. Only actions, and he wasn't showing it. The kicker was about 10 months after DDay. He came over to discuss finances and I confronted him about setting up spy cameras in the house to spy on me. He lied about the cameras (which I now had posession of) and then tried to justify the use of hidden cameras to spy on me. Not only did he show himself to be totally unremoserful, but so unsafe that I told him that I was divorcing him that night.

You do reach your limit and it really is true that you do get to the place where you realize that your life will be SOOO much better without them and you cut them loose.

I'm on the same boat with you, I have no idea what she is thinking anymore, I thought time will help her understands that we both make mistakes but our marriage was worth it and it was ok to let go about our mistakes, I think she wants out and doesn't want to be the one who makes the decision. I have three kids, a year ago I beleive that separation or divorce was for other people, 12 months after i'm posting this message. I have no clue when is time to throw the towel, but i thinks that we need to see the sign and start accepting reallity.

In my heart I feared/knew that what I found on DDay was it, that he was simply too horrible of a person to stay married to. However, I gave it eight more months as I went to IC, tried to force MC, put up boundaries, tried so very hard to do anything to save what I knew was a sinking ship. All he did was become a bigger, more secretive, remorseless asshole. Still I hung in there, hoping & praying that a literal miracle would happen and he'd see the light & change his ways.

Alas, I found yet again evidence of his infidelity and his unsafe nature. I realized that the children were not safe around him. That was a defining moment for me. One of those moment when time slows down, you're acutely aware of every physical sensation, the decision is made and you realize that the future for you is the path to divorce.

I kept thinking that somehow the pending divorce would shock him enough to become the man I always thought he was and the man I deserved. Obviously, that didn't happen

Exact same thing for me. I was willing to at least entertain the notion of R, should H show ANY sort of remorse prior to D being finalized. What I got was more of the same lying, vicious behaviour.

I've known that I'm D'd for 2 weeks. The sense of relief gets bigger every day.

My STBX has shown zero remorse and has shown zero responsibility for the consequences for his actions since Dday. After Dday, I begged him to go to MC to make sure a divorce is what was best for us and if it was, then a therapist could guide us in telling the children. Instead, he chose to leave one morning without saying anything to the children.

I was not left with a choice. My STBX is a selfish coward who is incapable of putting his children's needs before his dicks needs.

I am grateful to have not gone through false R ~ I can't imagine going through that pain again and having to pick up the pieces again ... especially with the kids.

[This message edited by dmari at 4:52 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

A lot of things hit at once, but the big kicker was that I *knew* that I would never be *safe* with him. Not my physical well being, not my emotional well being, not my spiritual well being, and certainly not my sexual well being. He would not stop. Ever. I would always wonder, always second guess, always want to check, and at that point, always sleep with one eye open.

He had an insatiable appetite for my destruction.

Done.

Wow. Just wow, guys. Thank you all so much. This is all so helpful (and much needed).

I'm at the place where I'm not afraid of being on my own. Rather I'm afraid of regretting my decision to leave, for both me and my daughter. I'm still not sure what today will bring, but I certainly feel stronger after all your openness.

I was about 95% sure. Think about hwat is holding you back right now. What is keeping you from making the plunge?

I will say that after I filed I felt hugely relieved.

When, during the last round of attempting R, stbxwh actually accused me of breaking him and ow up! I was so "overbearing and controlling" that I ruined their relationship.

At that point, his dellusion had reached such gradiose proportions that I realized he would never realize he is to blame for all that is wrong in his life...not me.

movingfast, yes I had one of those too who got all upset that I had 'ruined' his relationship with OW because 'I ruin everything'

heavyheart1 - that was a defining moment in deciding I was done, when he shed tears over OW ditching him when I found out. His complete disrespect for me, his lies, his nastiness - I just knew I could not live with this horrible man any longer.