SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a feeling I may get some 2x4's on this but here goes anyway.

Since around October last year I've been completely NC with stbxWW. It's been great & I've also posted about it here a few times. Lately I've been really working on myself... mostly through a new found interest in spirituality, and specifically through something called "The Power of Now". I have to say it's changed my whole outlook on life.

A for instance is that while I still joke around on here about taking Valium, I absolutely have no need for it now. I am totally at peace with myself, and more importantly with what happened pre & post d-day, my D and life in general.

Obviously brevity is still a problem for me and the mini book above was a long way around at getting to what I need some advice on.

Since my life change, I've begun to communicate with stbx again quite often. All the convos are amiable and I've been pleasantly surprised by that. Please don't get me wrong here... I am in no way even remotely considering trying to get back together with stbx. That ship has sailed, never to return.

I guess what I want to ask the S/D tribe here is if something like this has ever happened to any of you. While I love that my current anger, hurt & pain level is zero, I can't help but also wonder if I'm setting myself up for a BIG fall by being so open & commutative, especially considering stbx's tract record of abuse. I don't feel like or think that I'm nuts... but who knows, in the whole scheme of things... maybe I am.

Comments please...

One possible problem with this is; you trusted her before but this is where it has gotten you so what makes you think that this isn't a pattern? Has there been some change?

ETA when I read what I responded with it seemed cold, wasn't my intent!

[This message edited by turned123 at 5:51 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

It makes me wonder if she wants something from you and is taking advantage of your decent and trusting nature to butter you up. Can you think of any reason that she might need your help, money, etc.? Has she been dumped and is hoping that you'll be her soft place to land?

Unless you need to talk to her about kids or finances, I would pull back and resume NC. She's jerked you around before, so why open yourself up to that possibility again?

There are no rules, only guidelines. If it works for you, really, who cares what anyone else thinks?

But you have to be honest with yourself; are you looking for something out of this contact? A friend,perhaps? Is that why you're worried that you may be headed for a fall? Because with friends like your stbx, who needs enemies?

Thanks for responding... much appreciated and all food for thought.

I've tried to consider this from every angle. I was the poster boy for codependency when married, so I have thought about what my subconscious may be after in all this.

Thing is, what's different this time is that I truly believe I've made a huge life change. I was so angry for almost two years that it ate at me like a Cancer. I was severely debilitated by it both mentally and physically and for the life of me I couldn't find a way out of it. That includes IC, loads of meds and constant exercise. Nothing worked.

I don't want to get all mushy, but this spiritual thing is what has raised me out of that rabbit hole and brought me back to life again. It has changed my mindset like nothing I've ever experienced before.

A large part of those teachings I now adhere to everyday are compassion and forgiveness. I'm loving the compassion part and know I'm incorporating it as part of my new life. Forgiveness not so much yet... but that too is OK as it will come in it's own time.

Even though I'm confident in my life change and the direction it's taking me, I still get that "Monkey" talking in my ear. You all know the one I mean. That insidious voice that always sounds like the robot on Lost in Space... "Danger Will Robinson... DANGER!" It's cause of that damn monkey I posted for advice.

Thanks again for listening and your advice.

Well, this is just my opinion (full disclosure: not currently thinking of S/D with my WW; though, we were at that stage quite a few months ago):

Given your situation (I've read some of your previous posts), what benefit could your STBX possibly offer you? Your STBX sounds completely full of lies, deceit and the primary source of your pain. I couldn't imagine why you would even want to give her the time of day. I would want to let her fumble around in her 'fog' (if you can even call it that), and make mistake after mistake while you move on to something MUCH more meaningful and deep than she could even fathom.

Then again, this is coming from someone who has NEVER kept in contact with my ex's. I just don't think it is a 'healthy' thing for me to do, ya know? I like to close chapters before moving on to new chapters, and I never go back and try to open up those previously-closed chapters.

Not sure if this is helpful or not, but thought I would offer it.

I don't think it's such a great idea for you to have a bunch of contact with your X just yet.

Heck, we all know how *easy* it is to get along with the ex or stbx when they aren't acting like assholes.

What I'm wondering is what is going to happen when she starts asking for *favors* or when she morphs back into Hyde, kwim?

There really are people in this world that just can't be trusted as anything more than a very distant acquaintance.

I just don't want her to *shake* your newfound, inner peacefulness. I'd hate to watch you go through a set-back after coming as far as you have......

Just stay aware, k?

Oh, and PA????

That *monkey* that you referred to is what most of the rest of us call our *gut*. LISTEN to yours......it seems to be screaming at you.

I was reading and thinking... what's wrong with the monkey? Then Gonna posted what I was going to say...

If it's working for you, great.

I can forgive, I can't forget. I can talk with my X without anger and with compassion. However I see no changes in his dealings with me. Why would I want to cultivate a 'friendship' with someone who doesn't value who I am?

That is the crux of why I do not engage X.

I don't get why anyone would want to pursue a friendship with a person that betrayed them. I get the whole forgiveness thing...but why does that mean you have to be friends? If you can forgive the betrayal, I think that's amazing. But why spend the effort on a friendship? To prove that you forgave them? If it works for you then go with it. But personally, I'd rather cultivate new friendships minus the baggage of betrayal.

Thanks again for all the input everyone. Points taken and valuable lesson learned. Amazing how that outta sight, outta mind thing works sometimes.

And merrily back to NC (other than essentials) I go....

Before you go....

I just had a talk with my IC about this. She was helping me with NC, citing what tesla said, why be friends with someone you can't trust. I recently told my IC that I can't stay angry with my ex, and asked if I should even try to. I also had co-dependency issues, which we have identified stemming from incidents/a relationship I had in childhood. She feels that it is not in my nature to hold on to anger, and as long as I am watching my co-dependence and not becoming his secretary, counselor, etc, there is something to be said for having a good relationship with your ex.

I have accepted and understand that my ex is not capable of fidelity, as much as he tried to be faithful. That IMO this does not make him a monster; it just makes him someone I cannot be with romantically. I benefit from being "friendly" with my ex. For example, when I was NC, my DD kept asking me for money. Legally, ex does not pay any support for her as she is over the age. He does pay half of tuition, room and board, books. But the money for toiletries, dress for a dance, incidentals, I was carrying alone. When ex found this out after NC ended, he told me to let him know whenever she needed money and he would give me half.

He also invites me to corporate events where wives are included, to give me an opportunity to eat in swanky restaurants that I would never spend my own money on, or play on golf courses that I could never otherwise afford, and it makes him look good to his bosses to have a good relationship with his ex.

He also offers to "give me a break" from some of the driving I do for DS. We're supposed to be 50/50 custody but due to ex'x current living situation, I have full custody for a while.

We also still share one joint bank account, and use that account to "give" each other money, pay each other back, or each deposit half of certain bills that we still share (DD's car ins)

I find that I enjoy his company still, and because I am not in the position of always walking on eggshells or trying to keep the peace, I can demand to be treated much better. I intend to remain friendly with him as long as I benefit from the relationship.

I suspect this is codependency. Your need to exhibit compassion may be driven by a desire to "help" your ex in her less "evolved" state of being.

Compassion as an inner state, in response to your perception that someone else has difficulties need not be acted on in such a way that you are in fact helping them.

NC is a boundary that protects those of us with codependent habits from ourselves acting in a way that is not in our own best interest. Don't make yourself vulnerable to her. That is not taking care of you.

I intend to remain friendly with him as long as I benefit from the relationship.

That's kind of the definition of friendship, isn't it? good for you! Afterall, the "benefit" can be camraderie, etc. not necessarily monetary. Nonetheless, we end friendships when they are a detriment, so no one could expect more.

PA -- I think you should drift FAR away from your STBX. Far, far away. No need to be officially NC or dramatic or even "announce" anything, but treat her as an acquaintence you run into sometimes and are friendly towards but do not seek out. That would be my advice. I think the short 6 months of NC and the screaming gut are significant.