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I just see my future being more days of court and battles with SAWH.

I have two friends, one has been in an 18 month battle over SS. She lost and now has to pay all the legal fees. She has been D for 7 years.

The other friend has been battling her ex for 5 years over how much daycare costs!!!!

I know Cat and others on here are still batting too. Is this how my life will be?

I want to live not be in court, pay more lawyers and be fighting for the next 10 years.

Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. It's about what you are willing to let go.

I gave my ex about 65% of the marital assets (including the home). D was final in 3 months.

I think that's a good assessment. What you can let go or replace later on, is one more thing or way to eliminate time in court.

I have a friend who is a BS whose XH keeps coming up with ways to get to court again and then complains about the bills.

His nickname is "Cheaper to Keep Her", lol, but he blew it with A again and she finally had enough.

They are 3.5 years and still in and out of court, very bitter, and dig up dirt on each other and then spew it around.

This guy gets mad at copays for the doctor and will drag her in to find out if she could have fixed the problem herself at home and he tried to get custody of the older kid, thinking he could pay less child support...forgetting he had to pay for taking her to court. I think he's trying to hurt her back through their kids, yet she's the BS who was loyal and did what they planned. Pretty amazing.

My parents, years ago, on the other hand, were a few months, a few hundred dollars and all done. My father was the abandoned spouse though we don't think there was cheating-he was suspicious, but he's suspicious of anything, even the mailman!

He pulls down the shades when the assessors drive by, lol! Anyway...

My mother wanted very little of the marital belongings or assets and he wanted it over, so that helped. And we were all older so there's none of the visitation crap to deal with.

He's not materialistic and just wanted things like his stock and share of the house money and she wanted all new things, so maybe that helped?

So there are two examples I know of first hand, with some reasons of why it may get dragged out. My other thought is the ability to keep emotions out and make it almost like business maybe helps, so there's less room for error or delay or feuding?

My NL (Neighbor Lady) processed it very, very soon after DDay and I wonder if she had time to process more of it in her mind, would she have been a little bit better off getting through it?

And I try to talk to STBXH about things that come to mind before it starts, with hope that some of it could be done out of court and we just sign another paper.

I am told by STBXH that "I'm not going to be nasty, I'm going to be fair", but this doesn't gel with other things he's said and done.

It depends.

Yes, my ex is still a ginormous pain, non-compliant with the MSA, etc. But he is also NPD (diagnosed), so this is par for the course.

Others after the initial bent to "get" the other spouse, give up and sometimes become decent.

In my opinion, if you are dealing with some sort of personality or character disorder, brace yourself. It could likely be a long and difficult ride.

Figure out what you can and cannot live with. For my ex, he hates paying alimony (too bad--he owes a lot of it). I won't let him skate on that at all, nor on child support or his share of uncovered medical/dental/vision expenses. The other crap (trash talking, encouraging the kids to lie) . . . harder to prove and not worth the effort. Besides, the kids are starting to realize the dynamic and have started to resist his overbearing attitudes.

In my opinion, financial is mandatory and I would pursue it. In most states, the child support agency will pursue for you at no cost (check and see). You can also file for contempt pro se, which is not the greatest, but it is an option.

Cat

My advice,

Make a list of all marital assets use 3 columns: Things I can't live without, Things I would like to take with me but are negotiable, Things I don't want in my new life.

Now make another list of things you expect him to want.

Remember everything is negotiable... He got the tent,deep freezer and riding lawnmower - I got the pop up camper and walk behind mower. The values are app the same even though he got more items. I wasn't sleeping on the ground (or without AC) and I hated the riding lawnmower..He hated the walk behind. I would have liked the deep freezer... but I found a small fridge/freezer for my garage that actually fills my needs better.

As for CS expect to be brought back... kids needs change as they age and some of that cannot be anticipated. Although it can be planned for. You can stipulate in your divorce that you will do mediation for anything that comes up and if no agreement can be made then head to court.

Most judges are ordering people to mediation before allowing them on the court docket. Some things can be handled that way.

My X is NPD... he liked to file paperwork... all but one issue was handled in mediation.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

K

It depends. My D from XWH#1 took 2.5yrs and was hell. Once it was finally settled, he could not take me back for anything. If the co-pay wasn't much, I didn't bother trying to get it out of him. His CS came from his SSI, so no worries there. DS decided to move in with XWH#1 when he turned 14. I let him or rather I didn't fight it as it wouldn't have done any good. DS hated my WH#2. My lawyer negotiated with his lawyer on my CS payments and I paid them on time until he turned 18. We never went back to court after the D. It all depends on what you are willing to give up and what you want to fight about. If it can be replaced, it's not worth the time to fight about it. My XWH#1 wanted to fight about drop cords and hot wheel cars. He was stupid and it costs us a lot of money that would have been better spent elsewhere. He was trying to break me and even told me so, but in the end I won and refused to fight about anything else. I was totally NC for years after the D. If I needed to really tell him something, I sent a certified letter. My son was old enough to relay school and sports info, so I didn't worry myself about telling XWH#1 anything. They spoke daily and I never prevented my son visitation with his Dad or Dad's family.

It helped us to detach and now we are able to be cordial when we need to be. Hopefully you will not be in court all the time. It does get easier the older the kids get and eventually they grow up to be adults and you become indifferent to the X's antics. (((HUGS)))

It depends. My D from XWH#1 took 2.5yrs and was hell. Once it was finally settled, he could not take me back for anything. If the co-pay wasn't much, I didn't bother trying to get it out of him. His CS came from his SSI, so no worries there. DS decided to move in with XWH#1 when he turned 14. I let him or rather I didn't fight it as it wouldn't have done any good. DS hated my WH#2. My lawyer negotiated with his lawyer on my CS payments and I paid them on time until he turned 18. We never went back to court after the D. It all depends on what you are willing to give up and what you want to fight about. If it can be replaced, it's not worth the time to fight about it. My XWH#1 wanted to fight about drop cords and hot wheel cars. He was stupid and it costs us a lot of money that would have been better spent elsewhere. He was trying to break me and even told me so, but in the end I won and refused to fight about anything else. I was totally NC for years after the D. If I needed to really tell him something, I sent a certified letter. My son was old enough to relay school and sports info, so I didn't worry myself about telling XWH#1 anything. They spoke daily and I never prevented my son visitation with his Dad or Dad's family.

It helped us to detach and now we are able to be cordial when we need to be. Hopefully you will not be in court all the time. It does get easier the older the kids get and eventually they grow up to be adults and you become indifferent to the X's antics. (((HUGS)))

I left most of the possesions, including the house, and no CS in exchange for being able to move far, far away. God has blessed me with a far greater income than if I had stayed. And karma hit X, and I eventually got ssi for children of disabled parent due to disability as a result of the bad choices that lead to D.

Life is good! Dont get hung up on the little things. It costs more to hang on to them.

This is year 3 of the D. He is fighting every little thing until recently when he had to withdraw his retirement to pay for all those lawyer bills.

Its not about the posessions, its about the child support, what he's paying for insurance and ofcourse private school tuition, sports fees. I hear about money all the time.

He tried to brainwash my kids so, yes, when my 13 year old turns 14 and my 17 year old turns 18, he can reduce it.

I won't get SS because I make a good living on my own.

Let us not forget that I had 10 months of no CS from him, he had to be ordered to pay.

My divorce took 2 months (fastest possible for the state of TX)and cost me less than $1000.

My divorce modification, initiated by my ex, is still going on at nearly 7 months and $15,000. I have been playing defense, and capitulating simply to try to minimize costs and antagonism (again, STILL GOING ON).

I fully anticipate that I will be back in court in the future. Not of my choosing.

It is what it is.

I didn't spend one day in court and my D should be final any day now. I had my attorney draw up the asset division and he guided me (because I was sick to my stomach every time he moved an item to her side of the ledger). He looked me in the eye and said - Do you want to keep your house and retirement (as much as possible)? Then give her the stuff you don't really need. It is well documented by me, I gave up almost all the cash, the timeshare, two of the cars, some of the house equity, 1/4 of my retirement. When she left she took a one time sweep of the house. Took furniture, most of the decor, anything she felt she needed for her condo. When I did the asset agreement, I agreed she could take the rest of her clothes. If she wanted anything else she needed to come up with a list. I get to approve the list. She also cannot enter the house without my approval. And she gets one shot in here. If she doesn't do it before the house is refinanced, she loses anything that is left. If she thinks she is taking anything out of here she feels is a gift of hers, she is mistaken. If it means that much to her, she can pay me for it to get it. Otherwise I may decide to sell it.

I stayed out of court. It cost me a lot. But I got rid of her and I control the cards from here on out.

Again... like many have said, it depends.

My ex was in court regularly with the mother of his daughter. My step-daughter's mother was continuously breaking the "rules" of the parenting agreement. Looking back and knowing what I've learned since, I believe she is suffering from NPD. Either that or she was simply a selfish bitch that did not want to share her child and thought she was above the law. But sadly, the one to truly suffer was the child. My ex was just trying to maintain his rights as a father.

Some people aren't satisfied with their life unless they are embroiled in some kind of game they must win. Does your STBX continuously have "issues" with neighbors, coworkers, bosses, authority figures, people performing services (mechanics, plumbers, etc)? Is he a confrontational person that has to win at any cost? Does he "punish" those that "defeat" him? If so, you could be in for a long haul.

My ex drug out our divorce for 14 months. Is should have been done in 6. But after that he had no more ammunition or power. That ended that. No kids, so no further contact necessary.

[This message edited by Snapdragon at 9:53 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

He has to win. He has a sense of entitlement. He was ok with allowing his credit, along with mine to be ruined just so he could take revenge on me for outing him to his family, the neighbors and the church people.

Yes, others, including some volunteers he works with have said he is a complete jerk sometimes and when he gets angry, he gets angry!

I think I will be doing as some have said here for my own sanity. If my kid chooses to live with him, go. If you want that, take it, just get out of my face so I can go NC, except for kids.