SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those that may not know, DDay was Sept. 2012. We tried in-house separation, and working on our relationship until December when I learned she was NOT working on our relationship, but ther was "another" OM. We stayed together through the holidays for the kids. STBX finally moved out in mid-January.

I finally filed for divorce in early April. Just Monday of this week, we had our temporary support hearing, and approved by the judge. Things seem to be going along fairly smoothly toward the dissolution of the marriage. Yes, there are days where I just hate her, but that is mostly when I think about how difficult this is on my boys. For the most part, I don’t get concerned about what she does.

So why am I stuck? I think it’s because I’m not doing very well with NC. I NEVER initiate contact. I never look for an excuse to call her or text her anything. I think I have called her twice in the past month; once was because I needed clothes for DS11, and the other was to finalize the temporary support agreement. So, kids or finances only. When I do have face to face contact, I never ask anything about her personal life, while she asks me about running, my races or cycling or whatever.

Sunday morning, April 14th, she called several times. I did not answer the first three times the phone rang, but did the 4th. She was crying and told me she was having a horrible day. I let her come over and cry on my shoulder about ‘this’. She told me she was sorry for ‘all of this’, and she wished we could go back to the way things were and even rhetorically asked, “It’s not like I could just move back in, could I?” I had tears too. I was compassionate, and I let my guard down. I told her that I also wished things were back the way they used to be, and that I have many bad days.

I did ask her if she really cared about me, and she replied, “Sometimes.” Crumb, maybe? She admitted that her coming over is only confusing things and that she needed to leave. I agreed with her. Later, she asked me to go to lunch with her and the younger two boys, but I told her I thought it was a bad idea. I realize she may miss the in-tact family, but she isn’t pining away for me. She is more so just feeling sorry for herself.

So, I need to know how I’m doing with NC. My IRL friend tells me I’m doing a lousy job, and I just need to NEVER answer the phone. He told me I need to let her know that unless she’s on the way to the hospital with one of the kids, not to call me or text me. Should I tell her I’m NC, and not to call or text, or just refuse to answer?

I admit I do answer the phone because I keep expecting her to call and tell me she’s finally pulled her head out of her ass and wants to come back; to make the family whole again; to finally own her shit. Now, I know this relationship is totally unhealthy for me, and she has shown no indication at all that she is even remotely capable of owning and fixing her shit. Do I want this relationship? HELL to the NO! But, I do want to feel less thrown away or tossed aside.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance SI peeps! You have been more of a help for me than you will ever know!

It seems to me that you are doing great. You a good person for letting her cry on your shoulder. It seems that you have your head on straight and that you are not becoming emotionally involved through this relapse of hers.

Don't feel obligated to allow her to come over because she is feeling bad, but I still think that you handled it well.

In order to get to the point of indifference you must maintain NC except for emergencies. All other communication can be e-mail, text, or in my case certified mail. It was the only way I could pull my life together and move on. The marriage to XWH#1 was dead and had been for a long time. He was having another EA?PA. I had enough. He didn't want the D, I was his meal ticket after all. Trying to reason with him was a waste of time, it was all my fault.

It was sweet of you to be her shoulder to cry on, but it just keeps you in pain and makes indifference harder. It doesn't sound like she really wants the marriage, but she wants you to be there for her when she needs you. You have to distance yourself from her and the craziness. It is possible that she may wake up and get her head back into your marriage, but only her actions will prove that. At this point I can't see her doing the work it would require to R with you. If she only cares about you "soometimes", then what does she expect you to do with that. I personally don't want someone who can turn their feelings off and on. (((HUGS)))

From my view, it looks like you need to decide to stop being her soft place to land.

Let me ask you: What did you gain by your little hugfest with her? Seems to me nothing but more confusion with a topping of her guilt thrown in.

I won't say it's easy, but the best way to do it is to go cold turkey NC on her (kids/finances the obvious ONLY reasons to answer her) and stick with it.

Crumbs is right. That's what she's throwing you. No real remorse. No real repentance. And because you've said yourself you are done, then so be it – BE DONE.

Sure, you can tell her you prefer she not contact you, but she seems to be the sort that will continue to poke you regardless of what you say. In that case, you're better off to show her you mean business and stop answering her calls for (pathetic) help.

AJ's MOM

I did ask her if she really cared about me, and she replied, “Sometimes.”

Fuck that bitch.

Seriously, fuck her.

How does she get off coming over to cry on your shoulder and then say she cares about you sometimes? No more of this.

You need to stop answering the phone. The only time I pick up the phone when ex-shat calls is when Teslet is with him. That's it.

It was hard for me at first too...I had to keep my phone on silent and put it away...he eventually got the picture (took a couple of weeks).

^^THIS.

Total NC helped me clear the BS fog - the fog that keeps you hopeful that the person you loved, married and had a family with is still in there somewhere. They were never 'in' there - it was a mask that is now hanging in their emotional gun cupboard.

I was crippled by hope in the early days. Tried to see signs that weren't there and tried to interpret meaning in everything he said or did.

All it got me with 3m of False R hell and made this all far more painful than it needed to be.

I will only answer the phone if my girls are with him. I will only talk to him if it is an emergency. I will only communicate via text/email. I will only see him if it is absolutely unavoidable. I don't allow anyone to give me ANY information about him.

NC = No New Hurts. It is true. I have had enough hurts - I don't need new ones.

This has all helped me detach. I no longer wonder what he is up to or with whom. I no longer get that pit of my stomach rage about his very existence. The wife in me has reached indifference and it has been so liberating.

There was a point where I realised it was up to me how painful this needed to get. I decided it was painful enough.

Now I'm free.

Free yourself KOM. It stops when you say it stops. You'll be stuck here only for as long as you allow it.

Thanks for the gentle feedback.

I realize I’ve been giving STBX a soft place to land just too often. I guess I’m not prepared to let her fall. Part of that is just ‘me being me’. I’ve always had trouble watching someone or something suffer, even when I’m not invested. And the other part is my relationship with her family. I have always been close to them, and part of my vow when I married her was to protect her. I don’t want to disappoint them, either.

But, I haven’t discussed the “why’s” of the divorce with them either. I don’t feel like it is my place to do that. STBX has kept them completely in the dark. They were surprised by her announcement that we were divorcing and have no idea why. Her mom cried a lot and told me they pray for me every day. I was tempted to tell them their daughter is a character disordered, remorseless, cheater, but I haven’t.

I gain absolutely nothing but pain and disappointment when I interact with her. I know this, or am learning this.

I did ask her if she really cared about me, and she replied, “Sometimes.”

Unfortunately, this isn't the only nugget she's tossed out there, that really hurt. Right after she moved out, she came crying back and told me she should have waited until DS15 graduated before leaving me. Seriously, Who says that?

And who puts up with it?... yep, that'd be me.

Fuck that bitch.

Seriously, fuck her.

How does she get off coming over to cry on your shoulder and then say she cares about you sometimes? No more of this.

Thanks Tesla! I need to re-harden my resolve. i feel like i have taken back control of this mess. of course this isn't the first time i've taken control of the situation. each time i do, she goes fishing to see if i'm still there, and i always take the bait.

Free yourself KOM. It stops when you say it stops. You'll be stuck here only for as long as you allow it.

Can't argue that one at all SBB. You're right.

A friend volunteered to be my NC accountability partner. Any time i feel the need to respond or contact STBX, i have someone i can text or message instead. Someone i don't want to disappoint!

Thanks again SI family! Been a great help as always.

peace, k