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We have been attempting R since 3/12/2013, when I allowed my fWH to come home. The first week and a half or so he was pretty moody off and on, but after that he started acting more normal. A few things worry me though, he NEVER brings up the affair, the first week or so he got upset if I did, but since then he will answer any question have and talk about it with me only if I bring it up, he doesn't get upset anymore if I bring it up but he won't.

He sometimes seems to have a hard time looking at me, if he knows I'm looking at him. I have caught him looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking. This doesn't happen all the time, but enough that I noticed. It worries me because back when he was still in the A he told me he couldn't look at me because he felt to guilty. I'm 99% sure that he has no contact w/ her at all now.

And how do I get past the constant comparasions between me and her. Not by my husband but by me, he has told me many times that he doesn't compare and it's me he wants, but I have such a hard time believing that since he cheated in the first place.

R started March of 2013, I say it's pretty normal. My H at first did not want to discuss the A because "it's over, I'm ashamed and what good can come out of talking?" Was his attitude at the time. Then he would openly talk about it if something happened like I saw the MOW or something like that. He would apologize and we would discuss some things that happened. I would catch him looking at me and he usually had the same expression on his face, the " I can't believe I did so many horrible things and she's here with me working through this" look

I would ask him what he was thinking and he would just tell me "nothing just wanted to look at you" sometimes we catch each other staring and no words are needed. I feel like its two wounded animals that have been through hell and back and there are no need for words. Yes he's the one so caused my heart to be shredded to a bloody pulp. But he nearly destroyed himself in the process as well. I would never acknowledge that but its the truth. Especially for a remorseful WS.

I have never been through this. I mean R. So a lot of things made no sense to me when they happened. It's a roller coaster ride and everyone goes through different emotions at different times. He has never done something like this. So it was frustrating in the first few months that "things weren't back to normal " that I was that devastated after 1 yr. he gets it, he really does. At this point I don't see him doing this again ever.

Not that he can't, but if he does. There will be ZERO excuses, reasons. And zero reasons for me to forgive.

jct94- I understand exactly what you mean about the comparisons. I found myself doing this constantly. My DDay was Jan.31, 2013 and we are in the process of R. My H is doing all the right things and is so sorry for the A. We are in MC which has helped so much! But, I found myself constantly comparing myself to the OW who is 20 years younger. I was able to see pictures on her Facebook page. She is opposite of me, in fact looks like a stripper. I would think about her fake huge breasts and her lack of wrinkles due to her age. Last week I made a comparion chart just for me. I will share it with my H in time. But, It helped me so much! It was good to see this visual comparison to the OW. She has absolutly nothing on me. My wrinkles are from living and enjoying life and raising 3 great sons. She will have wrinkles in time. She is a waitress,(nothing against waitress at all) but I am a retired teacher that touched many childrens lives. Yes, she does have huge fake breasts that are used for attention.She even wrote on her FB page sometimes she gets depressed, but then remembers she has huge breasts and then feels so much better. I live a very moral life and she obviously has no values or morals. I would suggest for you to make a list also of comparisons. It really has helped me. Good luck!

So sorry to hear your struggles, but good to hear that things are progressing in R with you and your WH.

Comparing yourself to the AP is a common thing we do as BSs. I think it has to do with trying to find some reason why our spouse would stray, risk destroying their family unit, and violate their spouse. Naturally, you'd like to believe that the AP must have had something, in order to risk so much.

Sadly, though, the AP usually is pretty deficient in many areas. In my case, my WW's AP was somewhat younger than me (5'ish years), which wasn't really a factor, but socioeconomically, he was at the bottom of the barrel. Not only did he "make a living" gambling in budget casinos, but he likely also sold drugs to supplement his gambling income. Last I heard, he lives on the couch of one of his friend's parents. In fact, the last time my WW and he went on a "date", he had to borrow $20 from a 17-year old kid to cover the lunch bill. So, naturally, my mind searches for how this guy could have been worth all the risk that my WW was taking. Literally, she was betting EVERYTHING on him.

And that's when I finally came to the realization that it isn't about the AP (appearance, integrity (of which they have none, BTW), honesty, character, stability, security, etc.). What it's really about is the WS! The WS is trying to fill an empty void within themselves, and will likely take whatever comes along. Usually, they have such low self-esteem and self-image, that they will unknowingly seek out some of society's most unsavory people, as that is what they feel they 'deserve'. For a BS, it's a very strange concept, and likely not one that we'll ever understand (nor likely ever experience). But you can take solace in knowing that it is highly likely that your WH's AP was 'picked' from the bottom of the barrel, and can in no way compete nor compare with you. Once this really sinks in, and you truly acknowledge it, you'll likely shift from comparing yourself to the AP, to simply feeling sorry for your WH.

Not sure if that helps or not.

Just my $0.02.

Best of luck to you.