SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's a lot of story I don't want to go over but basically after several years of trying R, husband was depressed and gave up. He moved out of the house and ended up contacting the old AP. Eventually, he asked to move back in and I welcomed him back knowing he'd been in contact but believing it had ended. Of course, I find out it hadn't ended, they were still "friends". He claimed to call it off again only to find out several weeks later that he hadn't. I told him he had to make a choice, which he did, to stay but then he was obviously depressed after giving her up. I asked him to move out again, which he did. Of course, when he did, he contacted her again. He's like a drug addict, knows she's not something he needs in his life, but can't seem to stay away. Well, she had blocked his phone number and so he had his mom (who has been an issue in our 19 year marriage) contact her to get him unblocked. His mom then ended up calling the AP to get her to talk to him (without his knowledge.)

So, we are now trying again to reconcile. I do believe that there's no more contact, mostly because she has my e-mail address and would be happy to let me know if there were contact as she has on other occasions. For the first time, rather than saying we can't exist if he has anything to do with her, I have told him clearly that he has no chances left and I will divorce him if he screws up again. But, I don't know how we deal with the situation of his mom. He says I should only blame him because he was responsible, and I know he was responsible, but this woman who is my children's grandmother, showed no loyalty to me whatsoever and I'm not sure how to deal with her in the future. She's his mother, we can't cut contact like I might insist on if she were a friend who'd done that.

She and I have always pretended to get along, but we've never really been truly friendly. We have just tolerated each other, barely, now I don't know how to do that. I don't know how much I can expect if I want to R. But I feel I deserve and apology. Or a chance to let her know what I think about all of this. Right now, there's no communication between us. I really just want some opinions. Will be talking to my therapist about it at my next appointment. The whole situation sucks.

My MIL were best of friends before DDay. We talked multiple times a day, emailed all the time, sent pictures to each other, birthday and holiday cards/gifts, we even paid for them to vacation at our home and elsewhere since they didn't have the means to leave their home city. When I say we were tight, I mean we were TIGHT!

Then DDay happened. My H called his mom and told him he had done some things on the internet and asked if he could stay there for a few nights. She called me to see if I was ok, and I set the record straight... he didn't do something on the internet, he cheated on me! She said she was so sorry and if I needed anything to just let her know.

For the next several weeks/months, she slowly started cutting off contact with ME! I never said anything to her about my pain, I never demonized her son to her, I never even talked to her about the infidelity. I have no idea why she felt the need to cut me out. Not only did she cut me out though, she also cut out our children. Suddenly they were the only grandkids not allowed to sleep over with Grams and Gramps.

Eventually my H started trying to talk to her about the issues. He tried to ask her many times why she was cutting me out, and she would always change the subject or say that I won't ever listen to her and fix it so it doesn't matter. I also tried to reach out to her through email (mostly so my words couldn't get twisted, and so H could see what I was saying before I sent it to let me know that it couldn't sound like I was picking a fight). She rebuffed each of my attempts and gave me the same responses she gave my H.

Eventually my H told her that if she isn't willing to fix things with me, then he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. My H recognizes that he is the one that made this mess, and it's not right for his Mom to be so upset with me over it. And if she isn't willing to work on fixing the relationship between her and I, then he will not sit back and let her continue to cut me out and hurt me and our children for no apparent reason.

It's now been about 3 years since we've talked to her. I've attempted a few times during that time to extend the olive branch and let her know I'm still willing to work on this, and she continues to reply that I'll never get "it" and so there's no reason to fix anything. I have no idea what "it" is that she's speaking of.

And, FWIW, my MIL was never involved or had any knowledge of any of the A's until DDay. So it's not like she had anything to feel guilty about either. If she HAD been involved, then there is a high probability I wouldn't even want to work on things with her either.

Just because someone is family by blood or marriage, does not mean that they are entitled to have you in their life. Being in someone's life is a gift, not a requirement. If she's not willing to work on things, then she doesn't deserve the gift of your presence. And your WH is totally wrong in thinking that she's not guilty of anything. Yes, it IS his fault for cheating, but his mother was an accomplice in that cheating. If he robbed a bank, she'd be doing time right along side of him if she drove the getaway car or staked out the bank.

Thanks for your input. He thinks she'll be willing to sit down and talk it out. He says she's been taking responsibility for some of her past mistakes. I guess we will see. She's never been open to anything she sees as criticism in the past. I'm sorry your MIL cut you out and wouldn't explain why. It must be really frustrating.

hi there..i am sorry you are going through this. i recently found out that during the separation with my husband...that his brother and his father were actually communicating with the ow...and i kicked him out because of this ow. i broke my heart to learn this truth...and i learned it from the ow...she loved rubbing it in my face that she had been communication with his family. i dont think i will ever be "okay" with his family again. you just dont cross some boundaries...and the family acknowledging or communicating with the ap for any reason....in my opinion is just plain cruel. and not "a friend of the marriage."

i will never speak to them again unless it unvolves my son...and as of right now, my husband (who is back home), is the one to do the coordination. i am "done" with them.

After my MIL's most recent cutting words 3 months back....she was hung up on by me and call blocked since. With FWH's support. His siblings have treated me like a leper since DDay. As if I had been the one who cheated. At first he thought I was being overly sensitive. Then I told him that since I made him aware....watch the interactions for himself.

Lo and behold he saw it for himself. However, he has not confronted them about it. It is still blatant as she calls him on his cell and asks about him and DD. nothing about me.

Have not spoken to my MIL for the past 2 yrs. after she made the following comments to me:

1.” Honey, what do you expect him to do, grovel?”

2. “Honey, I blame you --you drove him to it”

3.” Honey, your children will never forgive you for betraying them if you don't take him back” (how have I betrayed them? I am not the one who was unfaithful---WH admits this one is wrong)

4.” Well honey, if you had kept the house cleaner & worn makeup more, this wouldn't have happened.” (I have 4 children & work outside of the home, & have no help from her, her son, or any family member, because my family lives far away----not that that matters, even if I were a lady of leisure without kids, how dare she try to blame me for the atrocious thing her son did!)

5. “Honey, if you don't take him back, there will be 20 women lined up at the door for him”

6. “Honey, it was just 1 little mistake.”

7. “Get over it honey”

8. (During the first few months after D day, during which he would not stop contact with OW--- I would not take him back until he did.) “Honey, he HAS to go out for lunch with OW alone, they work together” (WH has never gone out for lunch alone with any other woman he has ever worked with)

BTW, WH's mother is an unremorseful OW & cheater herself, can you tell?